ChiefsPlanet - View Single Post - Life Do you ever feel like a disappointment?

**Buehler445** · 04-24-2023, 09:03 PM

Yes. A lot. But it drives my performance. I am scared of failure, most notably financial failure. It's why I grind.

Many moon ago I spent some serious mental capital reflecting on my own (un)happiness. I determined that I have to give everything my best shot, and **** everything else. I objectively looked at my emotional state and what I wanted and what made me happy. That stuff has changed over the years, but IMO it was good for me. Rather than floating through life, just doing whatever, I was able to (albeit hamfistedly) work towards what I wanted instead of just whatever happened.

But that's me. And at the time I did that, I was really unhappy. I'm much happier now, but there is always some level of perpetual dissatisfaction. Maybe I'm ****ed up. You probably have to be to work as much as I do. But if I'm giving everything (work, family, finance, whatever) my best shot, that's where I achieve happiness. Probably not satisfaction, but happiness.

To answer your questions more specifically, here goes

Family Depends on the level. I don't think my wife and kids are ever disappointed in me. Many many times I'm disappointed in the manner that I behave or the effort I put into the relationship. But again, they get my best shot. So I can live with it.

My parents/siblings - couldn't give less of a ****. I quit caring what my sister thought forever ago. She doesn't shy away from telling me every way that she feels she's been slighted, and I just can't muster a single ****. Nope. Not happening. My brother is a much more reasonable human, but we're so far apart in the way we live our lives that there really isn't any way to compare, but if we did, I probably wouldn't care what he thought of me.

As far as my parents go, it would suck at some level if they were disappointed in me, since I work pretty closely with them. But over the aggregate, I probably wouldn't care, because I'm giving really all there is to give. And if they don't like it, tough shit.

Anybody further out than that, whatever.

Friends If you're giving good faith effort, and your friends are disappointed, you need new friends.

SO There is no way to be that close to someone and not disappoint them on some level sometimes. Many times it is improper expectations, sometimes it is structural, but the best part of a healthy relationship is working through it. And after awhile, as long as nobody is being a ****head, everybody is happy.

Others The only time I've ever felt like a disappointment in the eyes of others I care about is when I said I'd do something and didn't do it. I've since cut that shit out. I have a pretty good handle on what I'm good for and what is likely to fall through the cracks.

All along I've said I've been giving everything my best shot, and I do almost exclusively. However, if I don't - if I cut a corner or half ass something and it goes to shit, I feel like ****ing hell and that further motivates me to get shit right.

If that's applicable to you - if you're half assing shit or letting shit slide for the sake of being lazy - quit that shit. The feeling you get is your mind telling you to **** off with that noise. Internalize it and drive that behavior from your life. The big thing IMO is be honest with yourself. That's critical to taking an objective look at your life.

On a bit of a tangent, finding inner peace or happiness or whatever you want to call it can be difficult, especially if shit outside your control is ****ing up your life. 2022 was 20% drier than the driest year ever here. And this year is shaping up to be worse. Needless to say, my best laid plans are good and rightly ****ed. Plus I'm on the coop board which is losing money because nobody can grow anything, and I've taken on a fairly sizable expansion that includes a bunch of overhead expense I can't defray with MPCI. That's a long winded way to say everything I see every day is ****ing terrible.

It ****s with the mind a bit. My attitude has been shit, and I've had to reign it in around other people (employees, family, stakeholders - pretty much everybody I see), and I see other people's attitudes go to shit too. And the thing is, my situation isn't really that bad. It sucks given the potential I've lined up, but it isn't the end of the ****ing world. It's something I'm struggling with.

Perhaps more scary though, is my wife and kids went to Easter with the in-laws and I stayed back and did some herbicide application. I was straight ****ing miserable. Like super down, worried about depression kind of miserable. I was getting nothing but bad news from the farm and apparently my wife and kids are a sizable support structure for me. Then they came back Monday and everything was fine. But it was pretty scary.

Understanding your mental position is a big job and it's ever changing. But it's important work. Things can get away from you pretty quickly (I think - I've always been able to maintain control of my mental health).

04-24-2023, 09:03 PM	#39
Buehler445 Supporter Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Scott City KS Casino cash: $-1675266	Yes. A lot. But it drives my performance. I am scared of failure, most notably financial failure. It's why I grind. Many moon ago I spent some serious mental capital reflecting on my own (un)happiness. I determined that I have to give everything my best shot, and ** everything else. I objectively looked at my emotional state and what I wanted and what made me happy. That stuff has changed over the years, but IMO it was good for me. Rather than floating through life, just doing whatever, I was able to (albeit hamfistedly) work towards what I wanted instead of just whatever happened. But that's me. And at the time I did that, I was really unhappy. I'm much happier now, but there is always some level of perpetual dissatisfaction. Maybe I'm ed up. You probably have to be to work as much as I do. But if I'm giving everything (work, family, finance, whatever) my best shot, that's where I achieve happiness. Probably not satisfaction, but happiness. To answer your questions more specifically, here goes Family Depends on the level. I don't think my wife and kids are ever disappointed in me. Many many times I'm disappointed in the manner that I behave or the effort I put into the relationship. But again, they get my best shot. So I can live with it. My parents/siblings - couldn't give less of a . I quit caring what my sister thought forever ago. She doesn't shy away from telling me every way that she feels she's been slighted, and I just can't muster a single . Nope. Not happening. My brother is a much more reasonable human, but we're so far apart in the way we live our lives that there really isn't any way to compare, but if we did, I probably wouldn't care what he thought of me. As far as my parents go, it would suck at some level if they were disappointed in me, since I work pretty closely with them. But over the aggregate, I probably wouldn't care, because I'm giving really all there is to give. And if they don't like it, tough shit. Anybody further out than that, whatever. Friends If you're giving good faith effort, and your friends are disappointed, you need new friends. SO There is no way to be that close to someone and not disappoint them on some level sometimes. Many times it is improper expectations, sometimes it is structural, but the best part of a healthy relationship is working through it. And after awhile, as long as nobody is being a head, everybody is happy. Others The only time I've ever felt like a disappointment in the eyes of others I care about is when I said I'd do something and didn't do it. I've since cut that shit out. I have a pretty good handle on what I'm good for and what is likely to fall through the cracks. All along I've said I've been giving everything my best shot, and I do almost exclusively. However, if I don't - if I cut a corner or half ass something and it goes to shit, I feel like ing hell and that further motivates me to get shit right. If that's applicable to you - if you're half assing shit or letting shit slide for the sake of being lazy - quit that shit. The feeling you get is your mind telling you to off with that noise. Internalize it and drive that behavior from your life. The big thing IMO is be honest with yourself. That's critical to taking an objective look at your life. On a bit of a tangent, finding inner peace or happiness or whatever you want to call it can be difficult, especially if shit outside your control is ing up your life. 2022 was 20% drier than the driest year ever here. And this year is shaping up to be worse. Needless to say, my best laid plans are good and rightly ed. Plus I'm on the coop board which is losing money because nobody can grow anything, and I've taken on a fairly sizable expansion that includes a bunch of overhead expense I can't defray with MPCI. That's a long winded way to say everything I see every day is ing terrible. It *s with the mind a bit. My attitude has been shit, and I've had to reign it in around other people (employees, family, stakeholders - pretty much everybody I see), and I see other people's attitudes go to shit too. And the thing is, my situation isn't really* that bad. It sucks given the potential I've lined up, but it isn't the end of the **ing world. It's something I'm struggling with. Perhaps more scary though, is my wife and kids went to Easter with the in-laws and I stayed back and did some herbicide application. I was straight **ing miserable. Like super down, worried about depression kind of miserable. I was getting nothing but bad news from the farm and apparently my wife and kids are a sizable support structure for me. Then they came back Monday and everything was fine. But it was pretty scary. Understanding your mental position is a big job and it's ever changing. But it's important work. Things can get away from you pretty quickly (I think - I've always been able to maintain control of my mental health).
Posts: 60,044	2 0