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4 months ago
Granite saleswoman: May I help you?
Me: I want to buy granite countertops.
(Conversation ensues.)
Me: I want the backsplash to look like this. It's kind of unusual. Can you do that?
Granite saleswoman: Yes.
Me: Then we have a deal.
1 month ago
Granite cutter: Here's your granite. How do you want it cut?
Me: Like this.
(Conversation ensues.)
Me: And I want the backsplash cut like this. It's kind of unusual. I want to make sure you understand exactly what I want.
Granite cutter: You don't have a backsplash on your order.
Me: Yes I do.
Granite cutter: No you don't.
Me: Yes I do.
Granite cutter: No you don't.
(Calls ensue to granite saleswoman, messed-up stuff gets fixed.)
Me: I'm going to send you a drawing that details exactly what I want on this.
2 weeks ago
Granite measuring guy: I'm here to measure for your countertops.
Me: Cool.
(Measuring ensues.)
Me: Are you clear about how we want the backsplashes to be installed? They're kind of unusual.
Granite measuring guy: You don't have a backsplash on your order.
Me: Yes I do.
Granite cutter: No you don't.
Me: Yes I do.
Granite cutter: No you don't.
(Calls ensue to granite saleswoman and granite cutter, messed-up stuff gets fixed.)
Yesterday.
Wife: The granite got installed today.
Me: How does it look?
Wife: It looks great! But why is there no backsplash?
Me: There's no backsplash?
Wife: No.
(Ring, ring.)
Granite installer: Hello?
Me: Why is there no backsplash?
Granite installer: You don't have a backsplash on your order.
Me: Yes I do.
Granite installer: No you don't.
Me: Yes I do.
Granite installer: No you don't.
(Ring, ring.)
Granite cutter: Hello?
Me: Where are my freaking backsplashes?
Granite cutter: What backsplashes?
Me: The backsplashes on my order! The backsplashes that we talked about in detail and that I sent you the detailed drawing for! I want my freaking backsplashes!
Granite cutter: You don't have a backsplash on your order.
Me: Yes I do.
Granite cutter: No you don't.
Me: Yes I do.
Granite cutter: No you don't.
Me: Look at the fax that I sent you. The one with the drawings.
Granite cutter: What fax?
(Ring, ring)
Granite saleswoman: Hello?
Me: You stupid, ugly, piece of feces! I want my freaking backsplash! I want it now! NOW!
Granite saleswoman: Who is this?
Me: It's Rain Man! RAIN MAN! I WANT MY *******, ********, ********* BACKSPLASH! NOW! OR I'M GOING TO COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND STRANGLE YOU WITH A PAIR OF YOUR OWN PANTY HOSE! NOW!
Granite saleswoman: You don't have a backsplash on your order.
Me: ************** ********** ****** YOU AND YOUR UNBORN CHILDREN! ****** AND YOUR MOTHER AND ******* AND A BUCKET OF FRIED CHICKEN! ****** ****** *******! *****!
Granite saleswoman: I'll look into it.
(Ring, ring)
Me: Hello?
Granite installer: Hey...uh...your order didn't show that you were getting a backsplash, so we didn't load it. We found it in the warehouse where it had already been cut, and we'll install it today.
Me: ****** YOU! *******! ****** - oh, wait. That's fine.
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