[Rain Man]

The interview phase is now closed.

The answers that I, as a hiring manager and the boss of the person being hired, was looking for, are as follows:

1. You are at a party, and you meet a brand manager at Burger King. She mentions that she thinks the whole psychotic king ad theme is getting old, but she’s not sure. What do you say or do?

+10 points if the answer involves saying, "You should do some market research to find out. Here's my card, and let's do lunch."
+2 points if the answer involves dressing up as the King in order to maintain contact with the client.
0 points if the answer involves a random string of words that can't be deciphered
-10 points if the answer involves attempting to sexually molest the potential client.

2. You are in a meeting with the president of the firm, two other senior managers, three other analysts, two interns, and a client who’s picky about their report. Suddenly, a Nazi soldier throws one of those potato masher hand grenades into the room. What do you say or do?

+10 points for merely throwing the grenade out of the room to eliminate the Nazi and save everybody
+5 points for cheating ahead, realizing that the boss has an anvil collection, and pushing the largest anvil in front of the grenade
+ 3 points for throwing the newest intern on top of the grenade
+2 points for throwing the nearest intern on top of the grenade
0 points if the answer involves a random string of words that can't be deciphered
-1 point for throwing your toughest competitor for a promotion on top of the grenade
-5 points for running to save yourself
-10 points for using the boss as a shield to save yourself


3. You are on a cruise ship with your boss when it hits an old Nazi sea mine and sinks. There are only two life preservers left, and you, your boss, and your boss’s prized rare medieval anvil are alone on the deck. What do you say or do?

+10 points for any answer that involves giving your boss both life preservers
+7 points for any answer that involves giving your boss one life preserver
0 points if the answer involves a random string of words that can't be deciphered
-2 points for giving your boss and the anvil a life preserver. New employees are a pain to hire
-10 points for anything that involves your boss dying a tragic death in the North Atlantic

4. You and your boss are on your way to an interview. You arrive early and visit the restroom, and while inside you see a pair of feet under a stall and a competitor’s proposal sitting on the counter with another document titled, “Our Top-Secret Plan to Beat [your company]”. What do you say or do?

+10 points for any answer that involves giving the document unopened to the client and reporting that the competitor ineptly must've dropped the documents on the parking lot and that ethics doesn't allow you to open them.
+5 points for any answer that involves defecating on the documents.
0 points if the answer involves a random string of words that can't be deciphered
-2 points if the answer involves stealing the document, but is converted to +2 if it includes a plan for plausible deniability by the boss.
-10 points if the plan includes seeking a job from the competitor

5. You are on a business trip with your boss. At dinner, your boss stands up and accidentally hits a tray being carried by a waiter. The tray tips and the waiter falls. As he goes down, he clutches frantically and accidentally grabs the strapless evening gown of a beautiful woman at the next table, pulling it off of her. Screaming, she jumps up and tries to cover herself with the tablecloth, pulling all of the food off the table. One of the candles ignites the Baked Alaska, and the carpet catches on fire. Everybody runs, and within minutes the entire restaurant goes up in flames. You and your boss are separated amidst the chaos, and you have to hitchhike home because he had the airline tickets. Once you arrive back at the office, what do you say or do?

+10 for any answer that involves never mentioning the incident again
+5 for any answer that involves blaming the waiter
+2 for any answer that involves putting a picture of the beatiful woman on a web site and sending the boss the link
+1 for any answer that involves taking the blame yourself
0 points if the answer involves a random string of words that can't be deciphered
-10 for any answer that involves blackmailing the boss

6. Your boss mentions that he’s going to have to move his anvil collection this weekend, and asks for volunteers to help. What do you say or do?

+10 for any answer that involves sending people to help the boss with yourself along
+8 for any answer that involves sending people to help the boss without you being along
+2 for any answer that involves avoiding going (No bright candidate would actually move the anvils.)
0 points if the answer involves a random string of words that can't be deciphered
-5 points for any answer that involves profanity

Personality Questions

7. If you were a planet, dwarf planet, moon, or asteroid, which one would you be, and why?

+10 points for "Callisto."
+8 points for "Ceres."
+7 points for answering with any type of asteroid other than Ceres
+2 points for answering any moon other than Callisto
+1 points for answering any type of dwarf planet
0 points if the answer involves a random string of words that can't be deciphered
-5 points for any type of planet other than Uranus
-10 points for "Uranus."

8. Excluding all Americans and English, which major or minor leader or general during World War II do you most resemble in personality, and why?

+10 points for any German general other than Rommel
+8 points for any leader from the Low Countries
+7 points for Tito
+6 points for any Russian general
+5 points for any figure not included in the other scoring
+4 points for Stalin
+1 point for Tojo
0 points if the answer involves a random string of words that can't be deciphered
-1 for any Japanese general
-4 points for Hitler
-6 points for any French figure. Any French figure
-8 points for Mussolini
-10 points for Rommel, because the whole invading Africa thing could be taken as a metaphor for racism and we don't tolerate racism
Immediate elimination if


9. If you could change one thing about your current grocery store, what would it be and why?

+10 points if the response involves making life more convenient for your boss
+5 points if the response involves making life more convenient for yourself, but only if you say that the reason is so you can spend more time at work
+5 points if the response involves making life more convenient for yourself, but without the clause above
0 points if the answer involves a random string of words that can't be deciphered
-3 points if the response involves nudity, since that violates health codes. However, if male nudity is specifically eliminated, then the score can be adjusted back to 0 points since that would elimate half the nudity
-10 points if the answer involves gunfire, bombs, or fire

10. Tarzan lived during the 1930s, as played by Johnny Weismuller. He’s got to be dead by now. How do you think he died?

+10 points for anything involving jungle diseases
+7 points for anything involving an animal attack
+6 points for natural causes other than jungle diseases
+4 points for anything involving an accidental shooting by a Great White Hunter
0 points if the answer involves a random string of words that can't be deciphered
-2 points for anything involving Jane and self-defense against domestic violence
-4 points for a love triangle involving Jane and Cheetah
-5 points for any answer that involves Idi Amin or that Mbuto guy
-7 points for anything involving gunfire, bombs, or fire, unless it's an accidential shooting by a Great White Hunter
-10 points if the answer involves life insurance-related murder by Jane or Cheetah

11. A priest, a hooker, and Paris Hilton walk into a bar. What happens next?

+10 points for any answer that involves unnatural acts betwixt Paris and the hooker
+7 points for any answer that does not involve sexual perversity
0 points if the answer involves a random string of words that can't be deciphered
-10 points for any answer that involves unnatural acts betwixt the priest and anybody other than Paris or the hooker

12. I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 100. What number do you think it is?

The number is 3. Add 50 to your score, and then subtract the difference between your number and the number 3. For example, if your number is 20, you will receive a net score of (50-(20-3))=33. If your number is within 1 of the number 3, you get a bonus of 20 points, because you either can really understand what I'm thinking, or you're really lucky, and my company values both traits.