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And so it came to pass that all the people saw the HBO, and heardest they the bellowings of the coaches, and they saw the defensive speed and the cuttings of the dead wood and of the 3rd string quarterback: and when the people saw it, they believed, and stood afar off in wonderment and awe.
And they said unto Herm, Speak thou with us, and we will hear: but let not Carl speak unto us, lest we die and perceive mighty diseases upon our loins. And Herm said unto the people, Fear not: for Carl is come to prove you, and that his fear may be before your faces, that ye bitch not and no more shalt thy bitch.
And the people stood afar off, and Herm drew near unto the thick darkness of the office where Carl was. And Carl said unto Herm, Thus thou shalt say unto the people, Ye have seen that I have talked with you from mine office and from mine office hath I spoken unto you. Ye shall not make unto me trophies of silver, neither shall ye make unto me trophies of gold.
An altar of cash thou shalt make unto me, and shalt sacrifice thereon thy mortgage payments, and thy insurance premiums, and thy food budget for thine season tickets and for thine two ticket packages shalt thy sacrifice: and in all places I will come unto thee, and I will bless thee with parking and beer containers like unto a thimble.
And if thou wilt make me an altar of cash, thou shalt not build it of hewn Dammit Carl t-shirts: for if thou lift up mine name upon it, thou hast polluted thy garments. And Herm did speak now in the ears of the people, and let every man borrow of his neighbour, and every woman of her neighbour, jewels of silver, and coins of gold, and borrowings of every kind and giveth them they unto Carl.
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