[Bill Lundberg]

Congratulations, my first is due any day now. Let me help you out with some lessons I've recently learned. First and foremost, pregnant women are crazy. My wife is not a crazy person, she did however become one from time to time during the pregnancy. Here are a couple of my chronicles if you will; they are a great example of what NOT to do.

Example 1:

Well the first blow up happened along with a raging case of stupidity. Last Sunday she was doing some work from home to get caught up. She still hasn't told her employer that she is prego. For some reason she wants to hide it as long as possible, who am I to argue. So she gets done with her work and faxes a bunch of documents to her office's general fax machine. We have an all in one printer, scanner, copier, fax machine that rarely ever gets used. While this is going on, I'm outside doing yard work. Then out of no where she comes darting through the back door, screaming "YOU MOTHER FOCKER!! SON OF A BITCH!, GODDAMNIT, FOCK!" I stop to think for a moment...I haven't done anything wrong since I lied about going to a strip club, it took 3 weeks for her to get over that but its behind us right??... I ask her what's wrong? "YOU LEFT THE MOTHER FOCKING SONOGRAM PICTURES ON THE SCANNER AND I JUST FAXED THEM ON EVERY PAGE I SENT TO WORK!! YOU DUMB MOTHER FOCKER! NOW I HAVE TO DRIVE ALL THE WAY IN AND HOPE TO GOD NO ONE IS WORKING ON A SUNDAY! FOCK YOU FOR RUINING MY DAY!" I did what any man would do in this situation and laughed hysterically while pointing at her. I said it's no big deal it's a Sunday, besides who gives a shit if you're pregnant they're going to find out sooner or later. She flipped me off and stomped to the garage and peeled out of the driveway. I called her after an hour or so, she said nobody was working and she intercepted the fax before anyone saw them. I then made the mistake of telling her in no way was it my fault that she was too stupid to check the scanner before sending a fax. Big mistake. I'm learning how and when to pick my battles, I'm learning the hard way, but I'm learning.

Example 2:

This morning my wife had to drop her car off for service and needed to be at the dealership by 7:00 in order to make it to work in time to get a few things done before her 9:00 appointment. I sleep until 8:00 every morning. I'm self employed and am at the office by 8:30 to work out every morning and working by 9:30.

At 7:10 the phone rings I get out of bed and answer. "Bill Lundberg, I'm at the dealership and I just noticed I have on black pants with my navy jacket and navy shoes. I can't go to work like this!! Will you go to my closet and get the Navy pants that go with this suit and bring them to me at the dealership?" I oblige and go to the closet find the right pants and head on my merry way.

It is important to note that I'm not a morning person and I don't have to endure rush hour traffic due to the close proximity of my job in relation to my house. I head straight into, rush hour bumper to bumper 5 miles an hour on the interstate, traffic which is 10 times worse than usual because its raining. 25 minutes later, I've made it 10 miles to the dealership and find her waiting.

She gets in and I hand her the pants and offer to drive her the rest of the way to work so she wouldn't have to ride in the dealer shuttle with some jackass she doesn't know. At this point I'm feeling pretty good about myself, I've done a very nice thing, a reward should be given, perhaps a BJ tonight.

Instead I get, "What the fock! Look at how wrinkled these are! It looks like someone slept in them. Why in the hell didn't you run the steamer over them!!" I honestly couldn't see the wrinkles she was speaking of. I lost it and reacted like anyone who felt they did a good thing even though the didn't want to would after being kicked square in the nuts. This lead more screaming and eventually crying as I dropped her off at work... What a way to start off the day.