|
It's tough. My daughter is 20, so I've been through what you're going through. There are no easy answers. You are going to have to feel your way and make mistakes, watch her make mistakes, and hope everyone comes out in one piece a the other end of the meat grinder. Here is my advice after having a tougher road than most, but not as tough as some:
1. She's not an adult yet, but she is on her way. In 5 years (not very long) she will be 18 and legally an adult. That transition doesn't magically happen the day she turns 18. It happens every day, starting now. You are going to have to start thinking about her in different ways.
2. You can't control her. She is her own person and as the years go by, will be away from the eyes of you and your wife more and more. She is going to do what she is going to do.
3. If you are always snooping in on her, she is going to turn on you. If you go spying, you aren't going to like everything you see. I would give her space and privacy unless you think she is doing something "big". See below.
4. Focus on the big stuff. You and your wife have to decide what the big things are.
5. You and your wife absolutely have to be on the same page. Your daughter's game (she's already working it) is going to be divide and conquer. You might have to give some ground on a small issue to get your wife to be rock solid on a big issue. Once your wife agrees to a boundary, hold her to it (in private, not in front of the daughter).
6. Establish important boundaries and stick to them. Make sure your daughter knows what those boundaries are and what the consequences are for violating them. She'll test you, so you need to follow through. Make sure the consequences are something realistic that you can follow through on.
7. Pray for miracles. You'll need them.
|