[Rain Man]

Can someone give me a synopsis of each quarterback? If possible, please let rank them by arm strength, accuracy, ability to progress through reads, ability to read defenses, mobility, pocket presence, poise under pressure, leadership, character, supermodel dateability, ability to inspire others to greatness beyond their wildest dreams, ability to entertain in interviews, ability to avoid interceptions on screen passes, and complete oppositeness in every way to every quarterback we've started over the past five years.