[DJ's left nut]

I'll toss some advice out there that's not applicable for many (if not most) but it is for SOME and it's invaluable if it turns out that way.

Kids are all different, right? Nobody argues that - but so are parents man. When my first kid was born I came back to the office and everyone was like "isn't she perfect? Wouldn't you have killed for her the minute she was born?" and my answer was always "Yes, of course..."

I lied. My WIFE would've killed for her and meant all those fawning complements she threw at the baby, but I was just saying what I was supposed to say. For a couple months she was just...there. She was a crying poopmonster who stressed out my house and lacked the cognitive development to actually show real emotion. Smiles don't mean anything at that age, they can't hardly see anything so they don't recognize you and don't react much either. Until they hit a couple months old, their brains are just trying stuff out so nothing means anything and it was just a very trying time. I was really coming down hard on myself because I thought I was just this awful cretin for not feeling like this was the greatest experience of my life. It was a rough adjustment period and I felt like I was letting my family down but it just wasn't 'clicking'.

Then at about 2-3 months old everything came together. She started actually smiling on purpose and trying to find my voice anytime I came into a room. She started to develop a personality and knew her 'her people' were and would light up whenever we were around. For me, once tipped just a bit from a glorified fetus into a baby with real emotions and feeling and thoughts, everything changed. From then forward she was my little angel and yeah, I'd set a mother****er on fire for looking at her sideways.

Maybe you'll be the guy that's crying in the delivery room and won't let her out of your sight from the second she's born - that's great. If that's how it works out for you then no worries. But if you're like me and a few other people I've talked to, don't beat yourself up. My best friend was huge here; he was the same way and I had a drunken chat with him about it and he told me all of this happened to him as well. Once his infant became a baby and the synapses started working, the bond formed.

Beyond that, I'm a little different from others here in that I can imagine my life without my kids. And it's not obviously worse, it's just different. There are times that being a parent is just ****ing hard. And at those times you can bet your ass that I look back longingly on the days that our biggest concerns were making sure the dogs had water. Financial pressures mount with kids, time is at a premium for everyone and aggravation mounts with seemingly limited opportunities for release. Again - that shit is HARD. And again, when it is - don't beat yourself up for getting pissed off or frustrated. You just have to roll with it because there are other times that it's a lot of fun. Battle through and be present, you truly will get out what you put in.

As for raising boys - man, I have to disagree with the 'boys are easy' part. At least for the babies. My girls have been a breeze. They're clever and funny and engaging and manipulative and you can see their little wheels turning constantly. The boy, OTOH, is an idiot. He's spent his entire life to this point actively trying to kill himself. He has no awareness of his surroundings and is 1000 mph at whatever is presently in front of him. He climbs on things, gets all kinds of pissed off when he can't do something is just generally a bowling ball. I'm certain at this point that boys become mama's boys because their fathers are just exasperated by their never-ending stupidity and their mothers spend their first several years defending them and saying "oh he's smarter than you think he is..." No, no he is not. And if he is, it's only because I've set the bar somewhere above houseplant but below goldfish.

Because he's not as manipulative as the girls are, he's also more gregarious but in a generally whorish sort of way. He's just everybody's buddy - well that's all well and good for Grandma and Grandpa but he doesn't act much differently when my wife and I come to pick him up than he does when the pizza guy comes to the door. Well fine then, I'll remember that next time I can either change your diaper now OR let you sit in shit for a few minutes while I finish sanding a tabletop.

Oh who am I kidding - the damn boy will sit in shit and be happy as a clam. Because he's a boy and boys are stupid. I guess this only partially applies to first time parents because they don't know any better - he's your only child so the contrast won't be obvious. But if he's like my boy or my friends boys, he's going to need to be constantly re-directed and entertained because that's just the way boys are.