ROFL

FAX

Why would a person want to trap a Gorilla anyway, just shoot the sunofabitch.

There's your answer. Go to his nest between 6pm and 6am and hit him in the head.

I'll be waiting for the reports of a short child sasquatch caught on tape in Iowa, lol

Two words...banana daquiri...strong, and lots of em. And wait for him to pass out.

This deserves to be bumped so we can hopefully reduce the Shula Rumors.

Okay, I've been giving this a lot of thought.

It's a very complicated problem, and in part, I think that's because we don't truly know the motive for trapping the gorilla. Do we want to eat gorilla burgers? Is the gorilla trampling our suburban garden? Is it a man-eating gorilla that has kidnapped our wives or significant others? This is the first question that must be answered.

The second key question involves the gorilla itself. Do we want a graceful capture that does no harm to said gorilla? Or do we just need a gorilla in a box, and it doesn't matter whether the gorilla will need years of therapy afterward?

I propose a couple of plans that are based on varying scenarios.

Scenario 1. The "Environmentallly Sensitive Gentle Capture" Scenario.

Step 1. Do a study of gorilla habitats, global warming, and gorilla migration patterns. Identify a place that is not gorilla habitat, but where, 10 years from now, gorillas in search of food will migrate.

Step 2. Plant a bunch of bamboo so that, when mature, it will form an inpenetrable thicket that is so intertwined and interwoven that a gorilla cannot break through. Plant it in a maze pattern so that, when mature, it will form a maze that takes 12 hours to negotiate. (That part is important, as seen later.)

Step 3. When the bamboo has grown, it will create a maze that ends in a room. On the spot where that room will be, plant a bunch of the gorillas' favorite plants and shoots. Make sure to include aromatic plants that the gorillas can smell.

Step 4. Find a hiding spot and wait for 10 to 20 years while the bamboo grows.

Step 5. At some point, gorillas will migrate to the area in search of food. At that point, the bamboo maze will have tall, inpenetrable walls and an aromatic cornucopia of gorilla food at its terminus. Wait for a gorilla to enter.

Step 6. When the gorilla enters, run to the entrance and plant a bunch of that real fast-growing bamboo that grows 10 feet in 24 hours.

Step 7. Report capture of gorilla.

Scenario 2. The "Somewhat Environmentallly Sensitive Somewhat Gentle Capture" Scenario.

Do the same as Scenario 1, but shoot the gorilla with a tranquilizer gun as soon as it arrives in the area, and drag it into the maze.

Scenario 3. The "Environmentally Non-Sensitive, Non-Gentle Capture" Scenario.

Shoot the gorilla and drag it into a cage. This presumes that the gorilla need not be alive when trapped.

The above three are all related, but a more effective one could be below. I've seen this method work on higher-functioning simians a lot.

Scenario 4. The "Golden Handcuffs Capture" Scenario.

Hire a gorilla, and give it a job in a cubicle. Over the next few years, add benefits to the gorilla's compensation package that would be lost if the gorilla switched jobs, such as more vacation, a stock savings plan, and a more senior job title. At some point, the gorilla will realize that he shouldn't be sitting in a cubicle typing Excel spreadsheets, but at that point the gorilla will realize that, if he flees back to the jungle, he will lose all of his accrued sick leave, vacation time, and matching, along with the three newer gorillas who now report to them. Even though he desperately wants to leave, he'll stay to keep these benefits, gradually becoming more and more bitter and jaded as he realizes that he's trapped in his job.

I've seen it happen a million times.

Just wait till he's asleep and smack him in the head.

That'll work, too.

Scenario 4 is inhumane.

Yeah. PETA would be all over that, and I don't blame them.

In a similar vein to #4 I was considering introducing a young gorilla just out of high school to an attractive but "loose" young female gorilla. Make certain the female isn't using birth control and, voila. Before the young male gorilla knows what happened he's changing diapers full of baby gorilla poop and doing indentured servitude in his father-in-law gorilla's AllApe insurance office. Two years later there's another rug monkey and that hot little lowlander is now 30 pounds overweight with a hairy butt. You can't remember the last time she ate your parasites and she's putting the same tasteless microwaved banana casserole on the table every night. And all that gorilla can think is....

It's like a jungle, sometimes it makes me wonder how I keep from going under....ooh ooh ooh...

There you have it, trapped gorilla.

Mr. FAX are you lonesome or just plain horny ..you know there's laws against porkin' your gorilla ....

In case ur worried about the gorillas.

The mom from Goodtimes could be used as bait.

Time-Warp ape hunting..now there's a speciality hunt .....

The gorilla trapping problem was solved in episode 21 of Gilligan's Island.

I could be wrong but I'm just guessing that there's probably only one physical attribute that male gorilla's look for in a female. :D

I always put a little lipstick on her... something understated... don't want her looking trampy... and a pretty dress with flowers and butterflys on it. Cut down to there. Works like a charm.

Well, unless "trampy" is what the male gorilla is looking for; maybe try both looks to see which yields the best results.

Yea... I'm just telling you what has worked for me.

Studies done at the University of Northeastern North Dakota have shown evidence that most gorilla males are more attracted to the classic beauty types than the more elusive "prostorilla" andiginous to the lusher jungles of midde western Zimbabwe and parts of Sudan.

:thumb:

Success!!!

Well, to be perfectly honest, it wasn't a gorilla, but some sort of strange hedgehog-looking deal with squinty eyes. I'm working my way up from mice to gorilla in increments.

Caught the noisy dude in a live trap (using carrot bait) under my deck sometime during the night. He looks pissed, but then again, so am I since (according to the beautiful and witty Mrs. FAX) I must now transport an angry hedgehog (or whatever it is) to another location.

I feel kind of bad, though. The little fella probably has a family and Mrs. Hedgehog is, no doubt, worried sick as are his little Hedge Children. How will they eat? Who will help them plan their vacations? Maybe I'll just let him go. He was making noise, but that might be better than dealing with my conscience.

FAX

Gorilla trapping is easy. Place the cage, cut a hole in the back end just large emough for your hand to stick through. Put on a rubber glove and place a jar of vaseline next to it. Stick your hand through and wait. When the gorilla comes running slam door shut. Caution : make sure cage is large enough for several gorillas as they.ve been known to come in three or four at a time using this method.

Okay. Final decision. I'm turning the hedgehog loose.

I did some research and found that a leading hedgehog expert from someplace has warned that, unless drastic steps are taken, hedgehogs could be totally wiped out by 2025. I can't participate in a hedgehog holocaust.

Home Depot has some stuff that you can spray around your yard that will supposedly keep hedgehogs away. I'm going that route and saving a hedgehog for the Earth.

FAX

So now you will force them out of their homes to wander the streets? All the hedgehogs want is to have a place to call home, where they can feel safe from the everyday grind, and where they can relax and enjoy the company of friends and family.

And in the depths of winter too!

You better hope that the hedgehog does not take up residence in a gorilla habitat. There will be hell to pay.

1. Politely hand the gorilla a banana flavored gobstopper
2. Profit

You think I'm heartless or something, Mr. Hydrae? Of course I thought about that. It's good to know that I'm not the only hedgehog advocate on this board, though.

Just so you know, I don't believe this particular hedgehog actually lives under my deck full time. I think he cruises through there as part of his evening foraging efforts. Actually, I think he probably lives in the forest behind my house (it's a very large area with lots of trees and hedgehog-looking land replete with grubs and nuts). If he has a home, it's probably there and that's where his wife and kids are hanging out wondering where he's been. I only pray to God that his wife doesn't think he's been with a hedgehooker all night, or something.

It's either death by shovel, relocation, or freedom. I have chosen freedom for this hedgehog because I don't want to live in a world where hedgehogs go the way of the dinosaur and turn into birds.

FAX

I don't think your heartless at all Fax, misunderstood maybe but not heartless. Good for you for letting that hedgehog go. When you come back from your vacation Fax you can tell us if that hedgehog has come back or if you've seen it latley. That sure is interesting stuff.