Gorilla Trapping.
 

Well, here's the problem as I see it. Bananas might work, but gorillas in the wild aren't used to finding them just laying on the ground. Gorillas are likely genetically inclined to climbing trees for those and distrustful of earth-bound bananas. Alternatively, using a sexually attractive female gorilla for bait is a possibility. Unfortunately, selecting an attractive female gorilla is difficult at best, I mean, how can you tell what a gorilla looks for in a girl? Flat nose? Sloping forehead?

Then, there's the problem of the trapping device itself. Do you use a big net and sling up the gorilla with snare ropes when he comes by? Or, do you use a bamboo box trap hung from the trees and drop it on the bugger? How fast are gorillas anyway? Anybody know? The one thing you don't want is an almost trapped, pissed off gorilla looking for the big joker that tried to catch him in a box.

I know that you, the Planeteers, are men of science and are well versed in the ways of metalurgy, explosives, and sexual tension. So, I figured that, if a guy wants to know how to trap a gorilla, this would be the best place to start. To that end, please advise as to the methods you would employ and thanks.

FAX

Disclaimers: Sorry if repost.

Wal-Mart sells a product called Gorilla glue. Smear some of this on his feet while he's sleeping and then smack him in the face and run like hell. (I hope this is a quick drying glue). Also might be a disaster if you accidentally got some on yourself. I'd sure hate to be glued to a pissed-off gorilla.

Seems to me the answer could be as simple as luring said gorilla onto a peice of ground you have saturated with Gorilla Glue.

Dammit.

The female gorilla idea sounds like a lock, but how my good sir, would you obtain the female in the first place?

I'd say your best bet is purchasing one off of the black market.

holy shit this is a bad idea. too many things could go wrong.

Call Northwest Missouri State. They always seem to beat the Pitt State Gorillas.

Maybe Pitt Gorilla could give us a few pointers.

Perhaps you could make a banana sculpture in the shape of a female gorilla as bait? As for what constitutes an attractive gorilla, I suggest asking Ron Jeremy's lover. There may well be some common ground.

As for capturing one, I seem to recall reading somewhere that one of the problems conservationists in Africa were having with preserving the Gorilla population was their tendency to be caught in Antelope traps.

Good luck in your gorilla-capturing efforts.

Edit- After considering "Hummus" Jenkin's post below, you might also try a banana sculpture of Sigourney Weaver.

FAX, I would recommend that you invest in a reliable sprinkler system with an effective mist setting. I've heard that Gorillas are attracted to the mist.

Antifreeze you dumbasses.

First, you need to dig a big ass hole, big enough for a gorilla to fall in to. Then get some leaves to cover it up so as it will be unseeable to the naked gorilla eye. Then put a banana in the center of the hole. When the gorilla tries to get the banana, jump out and scare it. It will faint, gorillas don't like suprises. Then it's yours to beat to death, take a picture with, compare penises, whatever one would do with a passed out gorilla.

I was thinking that, if we could get our hands on some Gorilla pheromones, we could spray paint a lady with those and let her coax the interested gorilla into a giant rubber ball thing with a spring loaded door.

Once inside, we just close the door and roll the gorilla home. But, the pheromone-painted lady would still be inside, so it's hard to recruit for that position.

FAX

Well, you could get a stripper to do it. Plus, they have experiencing attracting gorillas (See Patrick Ewing's involvement in the Gold Club Trial).

Gorillas don't even know what that is.

And, you call me a dumbass.

FAX