|
Originally Posted by Rain Man
Okay, I've been giving this a lot of thought.
It's a very complicated problem, and in part, I think that's because we don't truly know the motive for trapping the gorilla. Do want to eat gorilla burgers? Is the gorilla trampling our suburban garden? Is it a man-eating gorilla that has kidnapped our wives or significant others? This is the first question that must be answered.
The second key question involves the gorilla itself. Do we want a graceful capture that does no harm to said gorilla? Or do we just need a gorilla in a box, and it doesn't matter whether the gorilla will need years of therapy afterward?
I propose a couple of plans that are based on varying scenarios.
Scenario 1. The "Environmentallly Sensitive Gentle Capture" Scenario.
Step 1. Do a study of gorilla habitats, global warming, and gorilla migration patterns. Identify a place that is not gorilla habitat, but where, 10 years from now, gorillas in search of food will migrate.
Step 2. Plant a bunch of bamboo so that, when mature, it will form an inpenetrable thicket that is so intertwined and interwoven that a gorilla cannot break through. Plant it in a maze pattern so that, when mature, it will form a maze that takes 12 hours to negotiate. (That part is important, as seen later.)
Step 3. When the bamboo has grown, it will create a maze that ends in a room. On the spot where that room will be, plant a bunch of the gorillas' favorite plants and shoots. Make sure to include aromatic plants that the gorillas can smell.
Step 4. Find a hiding spot and wait for 10 to 20 years while the bamboo grows.
Step 5. At some point, gorillas will migrate to the area in search of food. At that point, the bamboo maze will have tall, inpenetrable walls and an aromatic cornucopia of gorilla food at its terminus. Wait for a gorilla to enter.
Step 6. When the gorilla enters, run to the entrance and plant a bunch of that real fast-growing bamboo that grows 10 feet in 24 hours.
Step 7. Report capture of gorilla.
Scenario 2. The "Somewhat Environmentallly Sensitive Somewhat Gentle Capture" Scenario.
Do the same as Scenario 1, but shoot the gorilla with a tranquilizer gun as soon as it arrives in the area, and drag it into the maze.
Scenario 3. The "Environmentally Non-Sensitive, Non-Gentle Capture" Scenario.
Shoot the gorilla and drag it into a cage. This presumes that the gorilla need not be alive when trapped.
The above three are all related, but a more effective one could be below. I've seen this method work on higher-functioning simians a lot.
Scenario 4. The "Golden Handcuffs Capture" Scenario.
Hire a gorilla, and give it a job in a cubicle. Over the next few years, add benefits to the gorilla's compensation package that would be lost if the gorilla switched jobs, such as more vacation, a stock savings plan, and a more senior job title. At some point, the gorilla will realize that he shouldn't be sitting in a cubicle typing Excel spreadsheets, but at that point the gorilla will realize that, if he flees back to the jungle, he will lose all of his accrued sick leave, vacation time, and matching, along with the three newer gorillas who now report to them. Even though he desperately wants to leave, he'll stay to keep these benefits, gradually becoming more and more bitter and jaded as he realizes that he's trapped in his job.
I've seen it happen a million times.
|