A Million Little Pieces
 

It's all over. I've finally come clean. All the years, so many years of negative abuse upon myself. It all started with cigarettes. I then took my first hit from a joint at the bus stop. From there, I was smoking weed daily, and then it grew to the point I was smoking weed whenever I could get my hands on it. At the same time, I developed a fascination with popping pills every morning before school- speed, ludes, you name it.

My senior year in high school, I found my new love- alcohol. Drink and drown nights became very popular every Thursday night. How we ever made it home is beyond me. In college- I was drinking, smoking pot, smoking cigarettes, and being introduced to acid and shrooms.

Upon leaving college, I became hooked on coke. Somehow I was able to hold down jobs, but relationships were another thing. Nary a night would go by that I wasn't under the influence of something whether it be pot, alcohol, or coke. I enjoyed being high. It was my place of happiness and peace. I was rarely, rarely an angry drunk. I was always the happy drunk.

A couple of months ago, I snorted my last line of blow. It was an easy choice 'cause I believe I have grown an allergic reaction to blow- I would end up with severe allergies for a couple of weeks upon snorting on any night. About the same time, I smoked my last joint. It just wasn't doing anything for me anymore.

The most difficul thing has always been the willingness to quit drinking and smoking cigarettes. It's been over two weeks now since I've had either. I still have a pack of cigarettes lying on top of my bookshelf. I see it every time I come home. It looks dead- like an abandoned corpse. I have no idea how many cigarettes are in the pack. I just know it's there and I don't want that shit anymore.

I have a bottle of vodka on my desk. I have a case of beer in the fridge. I know they are there, but I don't see them. This is all good. This is really a giant step for me. But, here's the thing: I feel like absolute shit. Every gawddamn organ in my body is wrenching in pain. I can't breathe. I have persistent headaches. I get dizzy spells nearly every day. It *****ing sucks! I know my body must be surprised. For as long as I can recall, I've been putting shit into my body to ***** it up and now I'm all clean and I feel worse than ever.

You don't need to pray for me and I am not sure why I am saying all of this except maybe I need to get it off my chest to somehow make sense of it all. I'm lucky. Very lucky. I haven't killed anyone. I've never been in an accident. I've only *****ed up some relationships and hurt some very good people in the past. I'm not going to AA. I'm not going to any support group. I'm simply sick and tired of living the way I had been for so long. I don't feel free, and I may never feel free. But, I do know this- I'm going to be *****ing clean for some time. And that's the best thing I've done for myself in a very long time.

Peace out.

So, this was YOUR house? I guess you learned your lesson the hard way.

http://tinyurl.com/o8z59

http://www.funny-spot.com/pics/weed09.jpg

Well good luck with it all.
Can you please follow up & let us know if you lapse or how long you've been completely "free"?

Once again... good luck and congrats.

Whatever. We'll soon find out that you're actually a transvestite nun living in cloister in Siberia and this is all just a way for you to make a buck and live out a few fantasies. Fool me once Mr. Frey...fool me. Fool me twice and...well you know what they say....fool me twice and...can't get fooled twice.

Good luck, Cosmic. I was laughing at your body's reaction to your new lifestyle in your 2nd to last paragraph, but the last one showed me how much sobering up means to you. Sounds like you've come a huge distance already. I'm pulling for you.

I have always been told it's one day at a time. Sweet Jesus.

Good luck.

the pain is your body healing itself...


surprising how the thought that pain is a GOOD thing.


gotta push through it ... keep pushing

As for a serious post:

Good luck with this. Start working out more. Give it some time and your body will start to feel better. I remember the quitting smoking. There really is a patch there where it gets much, much worse. My throat was always itchy and sore, my allergies were worse, I felt like I had the flu all the time. That lasted for probably a month, then one day it went away and I started to feel better.

Good luck and keep at it!

Outstanding, Cosmic. Your body will thank you in the long run. I don't have much experience in what you're facing but I've quit tobacco. I know that's difficult enough so I admire you recognizing a problem and dealing with it. Best of luck, man. Remember you have to replace those habits with something productive.

Good luck; it's an admirable task.

I know I wish my father could sack up and do the very thing you're doing. He's set an example that made me decide to not even start with any of it, even cigs and alcohol, ever.

Sounds like you've hit the proverbial "rock bottom". Good for you to tackle this on your own terms. I wish you all the luck on your cold turkey program. Hopefully those that are close to you will support your endeavor.

Way to sack up and make a positive choice for yourself. Hang in there, it will be worth it.

"a million little pieces" - great book btw

Other than being a complete pile of made up horseshit pawned off as a memoir.

Go check out JT LeRoy as well while you're at it.

Thanks for the support. :thumb: I sincerely appreciate it. Really.

I did read "A Million Little Pieces" several months ago, long before the media hype, and have been thinking about my own life ever since. Frey has been lambasted by the media, but he has one thing right- You have to go it alone. That book could have been written about me.

But, the fact of the matter is- I'm simply sick and tired of it all. I'm not enjoying the very things I love like golfing, skiing, hiking, swimming, and the adventurous lifestyle I had before I was so consumed by my addictions. The realization that I'm missing out on the things I love most is the reason I've quit. Besides, you soon realize the friends you thought you had weren't really friends at all. They just needed someone to party with.

I will replace my addictions with another adventure: taking up golf again, going on a long hike in the mountains with my dog, hitting the gym in preparation for next winter's ski season. My life is coming back to me, one day at a time.

Hey, buddy-Chiefs Planet can be your support group. It's open 24/7 and you can keep digging this thread back up when you get tempted. Good luck.

The other thing too- addictions require money. It's not that I've never had money, it's just that all of my money went to support my addictions.

Should I stay clean, I am going to reward myself with a couple of trips this summer- and one of them will be to Chiefs Training Camp: A few days of fishing, football, golf, and hiking. I wanted to do it last year, but like anything else- I could never save up the money 'cause it always went to drugs and alcohol.

You will be stunned and amazed at how your wallet will suddenly be overflowing with money.

The thing that amazes me about smokers/heavy drinkers, and we all know a few if not many of them, is how the f**k they can possibly afford it. Those are EXPENSIVE habits. If you're doing drugs in any kind of remotely serious quantity, then I really have no idea how you do it all. Especially since you more or less have to get up and go to work to afford all those bad habits. :eek:

Oh yeah, and keep it up. Best of luck to you. Going cold turkey on multiple fronts ain't easy, but it sounds like you've got the right attitude about it all.

That's exactly what you need to do. Replace things that are bad for you, with things that are not and you enjoy doing. Like I tried to tell another poster here not long ago, life is full of choices, you can make good ones or bad ones, it's all up to you. It sounds like you are ready to make not only the right ones, but the smart ones.

Gah! Beat me by 2 minutes on the money thing!! :)

:clap: :clap: :clap: NA, even if you don't think you need it. I think it is worth checking out.

Clear your damn PMs, CP.

Thanks. I'm truly overwhelmed by the support. I'm really looking forward to leaving one life behind me and launching into a new life ahead of me.

First step...
 

Funny thing about AA is they preach you need support to stay drug free BUT to quit you must go it alone. It's not easy but if you start working out on a regular basis and eat right you will feel better in about 3 months....It really takes about that long.

It was my uncles advice that got me thinking about ....What does it really do for you? Nothing.

I haven't really looked at into it yet but I'm sure I've saved a chit load of money since quiting....problem is now that money is being funneled to my gym membership and supplements....

Good luck. My only addition other than Chiefsplanet is for sweets, so I'm kind of lucky, I guess. Pot-bellied, but lucky.

Just curious, How many cats have you lost ?

Women?

Now that was a good one.

ROFL

Oh and if by chance you do work out and take a protein supp. go light for the first couple of weeks....The side affects of to much protein will even drive your dog out of the house... :fart:

He was talking about old burn out. Just one more reason to quit, you could end up like this dude.

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=134311

If I were an addict, I'd sell used bikes to support my habit.

Good luck Cosmic Pal, but be forewarned, sitcoms aren't really very funny and there aren't as many hot women in the world as you used to think.

sounds like you need a drink, cosmic. you've been through a lot.

first round's on me.

Good luck with it all; maybe in time as your body becomes less dependant on the toxins you'll eventually feel better. :thumb:

To celebrate, everyones invited to Quiksurfers house.

naw dicksurfer would try and get us to pet his kitty

ROFL

Thanks for the thought. I'll just stay sober and watch you get drunk and when you pass out, I'll sleep with your girlfriend.

Wait a minute. It's all coming together now.

GIMME MY BIKE BACK, COSMIC!

God hates a quitter.

if I pass out, its probably more from the tussin and pot.

but, hey, that's what the coke is for.

Didn't he himself quit after 7 days?

I would definitely use a condom!

ROFL
Just funnin' with ya'.

One thing I know for sure:
If someone is ready to quit there is nothing you can say to make them start again.
If someone is not yet ready to quit there is nothing you can say to keep them from starting again.

You'll soon find out which one applies to you.

A lot of people think that, but it's technically not true. On Days 8 through 14, he made an enormous sculpture out of popsicle sticks, and on Days 15 through 21, he built a ship in a bottle.

I'm sure its tough, and the only thing I can relate to, is quitting caffine this week, and the dull headache that comes with it.

Congratulations on deciding to get off your ass and do something positive with yourself and your life. I'd offer luck, but that won't help. Determination and followthrough are what you need.

Oh yea? Well, where's this so-called enormous popsicle stick sculpture?

:hmmm:

Have you ever been to Sri Lanka?

.

while i didnt quit all my bad habits i sure as hell cut down on the majority of them. but i quit smoking weed years ago, and quit taking pills on top of drinking.(:p might explain my behavior in the past to regulars:p)

like bwana said its all about hard choices,the correct ones are rarely easy.
but youll be stronger as each day goes by even though you may not realise it for abit,though once you do youll wonder why you wasted so much of your life ****ing around in the first place.

regards.

All good things in moderation. It's perfeclty fine to party so long as you do it on your own terms at times of your own choosing.

There is a third option beside all or none: some.

hell yeah, so would I

Don't sweat it you are through the tough times it will slowly get easier and easier and then you will feel twice as good as you ever did before..

Good job and keep it clean! Maybe drink some coffee

Dave

good luck cosmo, stick it out, it'll be worth it!!

That's the spirit!

I think that's Vishnu's sculpture. God's is off in another dimension, one where plate tectonics produce giant popsicles instead of mountains. Or at least, that's how I interpret the Bible.

That dimension sounds delicious. I hope Everest is grape flavored.

Either way still Still made Out of sticks

yeah, now that you've cleansed your body of the harmless pot, get your self addicted to caffeine. :thumb:

good for you...however, the only real response I can muster is...

I'M THE JUGGERNAUT, B*TCH!!

-EB-