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Old 03-08-2006, 11:18 AM  
CosmicPal CosmicPal is offline
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A Million Little Pieces

It's all over. I've finally come clean. All the years, so many years of negative abuse upon myself. It all started with cigarettes. I then took my first hit from a joint at the bus stop. From there, I was smoking weed daily, and then it grew to the point I was smoking weed whenever I could get my hands on it. At the same time, I developed a fascination with popping pills every morning before school- speed, ludes, you name it.

My senior year in high school, I found my new love- alcohol. Drink and drown nights became very popular every Thursday night. How we ever made it home is beyond me. In college- I was drinking, smoking pot, smoking cigarettes, and being introduced to acid and shrooms.

Upon leaving college, I became hooked on coke. Somehow I was able to hold down jobs, but relationships were another thing. Nary a night would go by that I wasn't under the influence of something whether it be pot, alcohol, or coke. I enjoyed being high. It was my place of happiness and peace. I was rarely, rarely an angry drunk. I was always the happy drunk.

A couple of months ago, I snorted my last line of blow. It was an easy choice 'cause I believe I have grown an allergic reaction to blow- I would end up with severe allergies for a couple of weeks upon snorting on any night. About the same time, I smoked my last joint. It just wasn't doing anything for me anymore.

The most difficul thing has always been the willingness to quit drinking and smoking cigarettes. It's been over two weeks now since I've had either. I still have a pack of cigarettes lying on top of my bookshelf. I see it every time I come home. It looks dead- like an abandoned corpse. I have no idea how many cigarettes are in the pack. I just know it's there and I don't want that shit anymore.

I have a bottle of vodka on my desk. I have a case of beer in the fridge. I know they are there, but I don't see them. This is all good. This is really a giant step for me. But, here's the thing: I feel like absolute shit. Every gawddamn organ in my body is wrenching in pain. I can't breathe. I have persistent headaches. I get dizzy spells nearly every day. It *****ing sucks! I know my body must be surprised. For as long as I can recall, I've been putting shit into my body to ***** it up and now I'm all clean and I feel worse than ever.

You don't need to pray for me and I am not sure why I am saying all of this except maybe I need to get it off my chest to somehow make sense of it all. I'm lucky. Very lucky. I haven't killed anyone. I've never been in an accident. I've only *****ed up some relationships and hurt some very good people in the past. I'm not going to AA. I'm not going to any support group. I'm simply sick and tired of living the way I had been for so long. I don't feel free, and I may never feel free. But, I do know this- I'm going to be *****ing clean for some time. And that's the best thing I've done for myself in a very long time.

Peace out.
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Old 03-08-2006, 11:24 AM   #2
Count Zarth Count Zarth is online now
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So, this was YOUR house? I guess you learned your lesson the hard way.

http://tinyurl.com/o8z59

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Old 03-08-2006, 11:27 AM   #3
wutamess wutamess is offline
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Well good luck with it all.
Can you please follow up & let us know if you lapse or how long you've been completely "free"?

Once again... good luck and congrats.
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Old 03-08-2006, 11:30 AM   #4
NewChief NewChief is offline
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Whatever. We'll soon find out that you're actually a transvestite nun living in cloister in Siberia and this is all just a way for you to make a buck and live out a few fantasies. Fool me once Mr. Frey...fool me. Fool me twice and...well you know what they say....fool me twice and...can't get fooled twice.
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Old 03-08-2006, 11:33 AM   #5
cdcox cdcox is offline
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Good luck, Cosmic. I was laughing at your body's reaction to your new lifestyle in your 2nd to last paragraph, but the last one showed me how much sobering up means to you. Sounds like you've come a huge distance already. I'm pulling for you.
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Old 03-08-2006, 11:36 AM   #6
Brock Brock is offline
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I have always been told it's one day at a time. Sweet Jesus.

Good luck.
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Old 03-08-2006, 11:37 AM   #7
Mr. Laz Mr. Laz is offline
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the pain is your body healing itself...


surprising how the thought that pain is a GOOD thing.


gotta push through it ... keep pushing

Last edited by Mr. Laz; 03-08-2006 at 11:59 AM..
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Old 03-08-2006, 11:40 AM   #8
NewChief NewChief is offline
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As for a serious post:

Good luck with this. Start working out more. Give it some time and your body will start to feel better. I remember the quitting smoking. There really is a patch there where it gets much, much worse. My throat was always itchy and sore, my allergies were worse, I felt like I had the flu all the time. That lasted for probably a month, then one day it went away and I started to feel better.

Good luck and keep at it!
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Old 03-08-2006, 11:42 AM   #9
Phobia Phobia is offline
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Outstanding, Cosmic. Your body will thank you in the long run. I don't have much experience in what you're facing but I've quit tobacco. I know that's difficult enough so I admire you recognizing a problem and dealing with it. Best of luck, man. Remember you have to replace those habits with something productive.
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Old 03-08-2006, 11:43 AM   #10
Reaper16 Reaper16 is offline
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Good luck; it's an admirable task.

I know I wish my father could sack up and do the very thing you're doing. He's set an example that made me decide to not even start with any of it, even cigs and alcohol, ever.
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Old 03-08-2006, 11:50 AM   #11
kregger kregger is offline
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Sounds like you've hit the proverbial "rock bottom". Good for you to tackle this on your own terms. I wish you all the luck on your cold turkey program. Hopefully those that are close to you will support your endeavor.
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Old 03-08-2006, 11:58 AM   #12
Bwana Bwana is offline
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Way to sack up and make a positive choice for yourself. Hang in there, it will be worth it.
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Old 03-08-2006, 12:02 PM   #13
QuikSsurfer QuikSsurfer is offline
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"a million little pieces" - great book btw
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Old 03-08-2006, 12:06 PM   #14
NewChief NewChief is offline
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Quote:
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"a million little pieces" - great book btw
Other than being a complete pile of made up horseshit pawned off as a memoir.

Go check out JT LeRoy as well while you're at it.
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Old 03-08-2006, 12:09 PM   #15
CosmicPal CosmicPal is offline
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Thanks for the support. I sincerely appreciate it. Really.

I did read "A Million Little Pieces" several months ago, long before the media hype, and have been thinking about my own life ever since. Frey has been lambasted by the media, but he has one thing right- You have to go it alone. That book could have been written about me.

But, the fact of the matter is- I'm simply sick and tired of it all. I'm not enjoying the very things I love like golfing, skiing, hiking, swimming, and the adventurous lifestyle I had before I was so consumed by my addictions. The realization that I'm missing out on the things I love most is the reason I've quit. Besides, you soon realize the friends you thought you had weren't really friends at all. They just needed someone to party with.

I will replace my addictions with another adventure: taking up golf again, going on a long hike in the mountains with my dog, hitting the gym in preparation for next winter's ski season. My life is coming back to me, one day at a time.
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