Neighborhood Crackhead Problem
 

So just this last Saturday a toothless black guy came up to the house wanting to mow my lawn. Considering he was only wanting $25 for my bitch of a yard I said, ok. While he was mowing I was thinking how I shouldn't even answered the door because I don't want him coming around. Well tonight I come home from the gym and my wif said a dirty old man, that she could barely comprehend, woke her up from a nap saying he knew her husband and wanted 35 cents. Like a dumb woman she gave it to him. Now this mofo is probably going to stop by all the time and I need it to quit without pissing him off, because I dont want him to steal my shit either. Do I need to purchase a gun and some fake home security signs? The wif already knows not to answer the door when he stops by and to keep the doors locked at all times. Any suggestions besides antifreeze?

the fact you mention he was toothless
is troublesome

or this zelda sword
http://us.st11.yimg.com/us.st.yimg.c..._1954_35779555

M-1 Rifle and some C4 explosives should do the trick.

Call his mama and have her come yell at him and smack him on the head. In fact, in his cracked out state he probably won't be able to tell the difference so any large black woman should do.

Invite Bwana over for a week or so. Pay him in beer and brisket.

Ding Ding ROFL

A brilliant idea.

The next time the fuggers come to your door just call the cops.

On a side not, this story just reminded me I need to run down some bird bombs. I only have ONE shell left which won't do with the 4th of July so near and the neighbors likely launching bottle rockets again.

http://www.westernwildlifecontrol.com/Prod12ga1.html

:evil:

Uh - bowl of antifreeze?

Drano

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...chef_folks.gif

Thomas McElroy: Dammit, monster, I ain't givin you no treefiddy.

*ahem* I believe he did say this...

Fill a Super Soaker up with vinegar....

fill a supersoaker with mayonasse

Just shoot him.

Oh, well I was reading the thread, watching a 4 year old, and last Saturday night's SNL. I got confused.

Fill a Supersoaker up with gasoline while carry a lighter.

Buy a large jar of jalapeños.....

Drain juice in to Super Soaker....

*nods*

That's the problem with these dirtbags - you give them a buck or handful of change once and they mark you as their personal free ATM forever.

Are pitbulls legal where you live?

Just call the cops.

Get a 1.75 of your favorite whiskey....

Fill Super Soaker with it...

Shoot yourself in the mouth repeatedly until you forget about the bum at the door...

Yeah no pitbulls allowed here. I do have a pussy Golden Retriever though. I mentioned about getting a German shepard to the wif but she isnt down with that.

... LMAO ...

You got any black friends?

May I recommend a stab in the face?

Yep, why?

WTF is up with the "wif" schtick?

Instead of saying the wife I say the wif.

Pronounced whiff, as in, get a whiff of that thang?

Find a way to get him onto your dental plan and get him some new teeth. Thats all he wants, once he gets those he will either leave you alone or bite you with them to get more money for crack.

Yeah

He does now. :)

Move.

You can start by just waiting for the next time he comes around and just laying it out like it is:

"Hey man, I helped you out twice. At this point, though, you're freaking my wife out. If you'd like I'll help you out one last time and drive you to a shelter. Otherwise, thanks for mowing the lawn. Good luck and God bless."

He's done this before, he knows what time it is.

Then if he doesn't get the hint start calling the cops.

Take back pants from "wif", go obtain the crack ho eating German Shepard you want. :hmmm:

Belgian Malinois

Racist.

ROFL That is priceless!

For some reason, I think you can look forward to Dave Chappel characters' with powder on thier faces, crapping behind your trashcans for the remainder of your stay.

You might as well just put some cots in your garage now, and save them the trouble of breaking into your car.


Yesterday, 2 American _________ Terriers became property of the city in which I live, after one tackled a 60 year old female meter reader and chewed holes big enough to hide golf balls in her arm and back....and another American ________ Terrier attacked a lady's dog that she was walking.

I think their just in holding until they're destroyed anyway....I'll bet you could borrow one of these friendly, loving family pets to defend your crackdom.

http://www.costumesandprops.com/grap...ket254x173.jpg

Was going to suggest busting out the noisy cricket, but he might think its drug paraphernalia.

Switch out your house number with the neighbor next door. When he comes to the door...answer it and act like you don't know him. Tell him he has the wrong house. If he's on crack....he'll get confused and leave.

Just be honest with the man and tell him not to keep dropping by your house looking for favors.

ROFL

Heh... goggle crackhead repellent.

This is the first thing that came up.

:spock: sorry index finger twitching aggain.

edit: it really is twitching, I didn't mean to type again with 2 g's... ROFL

You're absolutely right. I don't know why people can't just communicate the simple stuff. Folks seem to take drastic measures when basic communication skills would probably resolve the problem very simply.

Nice post.

Basically, Im going to say what Simplex3 and micjones mentioned earlier. And I'm definitely going to keep in mind what Simply Red said about someone suing me. Because there are a couple of areas where someone could easily get hurt. Hell, a month ago a couple of Mexicans came by wanting to mow until I showed them the back yard. Then they realized it was going to be too much work and backed out. I about shitted myself. I wanted to ask them if they were Mexicans or Mexicants but that would be pretty effed.

Dumbass. Call the police.

And the fun in that is?

Have him mow your yard again...prior to that, dig large hole in said yard...As he passes over it, he will drop into the hole...backfill with dirt....overseed with new grass seed....

The benefit is two-fold...no more hobo and a new mower

throw a rubbersnake on him.

Get a pitbull and tie him to a tree in the front yard. If anyone asks if it's a pitbull, just tell em it's a mutt you got from the pound.

We have a neighborhood guy who is mute, or plays one, who has the balls to ring your doorbell to ask for $$ [on his little notebook]. That I could weather graciously. But then, last year he came up to me while I was sweating my balls off dragging brush off my yard after the big storm. It's a billion degrees, I'm in shorts and a tank top, sweating buckets, tugging a bundled metric ton of brush down the alley, my electricity has been off all week, and he wants $$. I think I was polite, but I definitely was firm in my refusal. Haven't seen him in a while.

AntiFreeze Brownies.