Dear Internet Porn - Page 2

**pr_capone** · 01-08-2008, 02:02 PM

Dear Internet Porn,

These last ten years have been quite a trip, have they not? My letter to you now, however, is not one of celebration... I don't feel like we are the same anymore. We just don't have that passion we used to.

When we first met I was a loser, and you were there for me. My parents told me that you were no good for me, but I didn't listen. You showed me that there were plenty of people like myself getting laid. It was beautiful and passionate. Your softcore erotic videos were a tasteful introduction to my budding sexuality.

As I got older I started seeing girls on the side. I knew you were jealous, but you have always held a special place in my heart. You became naughtier and it affected my relationships. I started wanting all the things I had seen you do. I wanted to be just like you. I wanted to cover my girlfriend's face, put it up her ass, choke her.

But that's when I realized your dark secret, Internet Porn. You aren't real: you are a fake and shallow individual. No girl wants a load on her face! Anal sex hurts and humiliates, and choking only leads to bruises that friends and loved ones ask about. You lied to me and changed my sexual expectations. Now no girl can please me.

I know it isn't all bad. You've taught me so much. I can surf the internet with either hand and I know all the keyboard shortcuts for my browser. I know positions that aren't even in the Kamasutra. But you have such a dark side. I've been late for work more than once and I find myself wanting to jerkoff at six in the morning. That's what you've done to me.

Even now, on the eve of Christ's birth, I sit hunched over my computer, penis in hand. I had to turn the nativity scene around so that Jesus wouldn't see your filth. Try as I might, I can never hide you well enough either. It is harder to find you squirreled away on my hard drive than it is to get into my online bank account. Yet there is always lingering evidence. I've told you time and again to stop leaving your things at my place. But you ALWAYS forget something: a shortcut here, an unclear history there.

There's no acceptance when you are discovered either. It might have been ok when we started - just innocent flirting with softcore. But now my girlfriends discover my asphyxiation collection, or that one goat video. I hate that you always invite your shadiest friends over when you come.

So I have one request. I know I can't get rid of you... you are the psychopathic stalker to my teenage horror film. But if you won't leave me alone, can you at least do me one favor? If I ever die, can you please format my hard drive? All of them? If you can't do that, just burn my place down. My family can never know of my shame.

- Your shamed lover

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/518589816.html

LMFAO

Ebolapox · 01-08-2008, 11:31 PM

wow, george carlin really outdid himself.

or was that ted nugent?

mcan · 01-08-2008, 11:38 PM

Pretty funny. Here's one of the custom motivational posters I made on another thread a couple of months ago.

**TinyEvel** · 01-08-2008, 11:41 PM

That's why all my shiznit goes into a folder named "VW parts schematics'

**doomy3** · 01-08-2008, 11:58 PM

Agent V · 01-09-2008, 12:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TinyEvel

That's why all my shiznit goes into a folder named "VW parts schematics'

I put mine in the "Chiefs vs. Broncos 1998 Playoffs Film" folder. Nobody looks in there.

Zeke Ziggle · 01-09-2008, 12:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chief103182

I put mine in the "Chiefs vs. Broncos 1998 Playoffs Film" folder. Nobody looks in there.

I had a friend who put his in a folder named elton john under the assumption that know one would look for straight pr0n in a gay man

teedubya · 01-09-2008, 12:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TinyEvel

That's why all my shiznit goes into a folder named "VW parts schematics'

hah. Mine is in a folder called Insurance Seminar.

88TG88 · 01-09-2008, 12:51 AM

My best pr0no flick is named "super bowl IV".

DenverChief · 01-09-2008, 02:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ari Chi3fs

hah. Mine is in a folder called Insurance Seminar.

Video Hardware Drivers

Archie F. Swin · 01-09-2008, 07:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pr_capone

I wanted to cover my girlfriend's face, put it up her ass...

Why would you want to put your girlfriend's face up her ass?

01-08-2008, 02:02 PM
pr_capone ** SOC & ** YOU Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Chiefs Hell Casino cash: $10008214	Dear Internet Porn Dear Internet Porn, These last ten years have been quite a trip, have they not? My letter to you now, however, is not one of celebration... I don't feel like we are the same anymore. We just don't have that passion we used to. When we first met I was a loser, and you were there for me. My parents told me that you were no good for me, but I didn't listen. You showed me that there were plenty of people like myself getting laid. It was beautiful and passionate. Your softcore erotic videos were a tasteful introduction to my budding sexuality. As I got older I started seeing girls on the side. I knew you were jealous, but you have always held a special place in my heart. You became naughtier and it affected my relationships. I started wanting all the things I had seen you do. I wanted to be just like you. I wanted to cover my girlfriend's face, put it up her ass, choke her. But that's when I realized your dark secret, Internet Porn. You aren't real: you are a fake and shallow individual. No girl wants a load on her face! Anal sex hurts and humiliates, and choking only leads to bruises that friends and loved ones ask about. You lied to me and changed my sexual expectations. Now no girl can please me. I know it isn't all bad. You've taught me so much. I can surf the internet with either hand and I know all the keyboard shortcuts for my browser. I know positions that aren't even in the Kamasutra. But you have such a dark side. I've been late for work more than once and I find myself wanting to jerkoff at six in the morning. That's what you've done to me. Even now, on the eve of Christ's birth, I sit hunched over my computer, penis in hand. I had to turn the nativity scene around so that Jesus wouldn't see your filth. Try as I might, I can never hide you well enough either. It is harder to find you squirreled away on my hard drive than it is to get into my online bank account. Yet there is always lingering evidence. I've told you time and again to stop leaving your things at my place. But you ALWAYS forget something: a shortcut here, an unclear history there. There's no acceptance when you are discovered either. It might have been ok when we started - just innocent flirting with softcore. But now my girlfriends discover my asphyxiation collection, or that one goat video. I hate that you always invite your shadiest friends over when you come. So I have one request. I know I can't get rid of you... you are the psychopathic stalker to my teenage horror film. But if you won't leave me alone, can you at least do me one favor? If I ever die, can you please format my hard drive? All of them? If you can't do that, just burn my place down. My family can never know of my shame. - Your shamed lover http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/518589816.html LMFAO
Posts: 19,884

01-08-2008, 11:31 PM	#16
Ebolapox remember, remember Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: como Casino cash: $1539903	wow, george carlin really outdid himself. or was that ted nugent?
Posts: 26,440

01-08-2008, 11:38 PM	#17
mcan Apr 13,1949 – Dec 15, 2011 Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Kansas City, MO Casino cash: $9996085	Pretty funny. Here's one of the custom motivational posters I made on another thread a couple of months ago. Attached Thumbnails
Posts: 3,761

01-08-2008, 11:41 PM	#18
TinyEvel Just a li'l Evel Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Bald. Goatee. Jorts. Casino cash: $5187131	That's why all my shiznit goes into a folder named "VW parts schematics'
Posts: 11,823

01-08-2008, 11:58 PM	#19
doomy3 Supporter Join Date: Aug 2005 Casino cash: $4993539
Posts: 12,856

01-09-2008, 12:51 AM	#23
88TG88 don't tell me about collage Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Los Angeles Casino cash: $10009184	My best pr0no flick is named "super bowl IV".
Posts: 6,274