How do you handle the death of a loved one?

[TLO]

Hey everyone.

My grandmother is quite ill, and I believe we're all at the stage where we know the time for her to be taken from this life has come. The only question that remains is for how much longer will we have her?

I've never had a close family member die before - and I'm fearful for how things will go for my family and I when she does go.

Suggestions. How you handled similar situations. All would be most beneficial.

Thank you everyone

[New World Order]

Crying actually does help.

[Chiefshrink]

Originally Posted by New World Order

Crying actually does help.

Amen!!

American men especially are still learning how to cry and that is okay.

[bevischief]

It all depends on who and how close you were with that one. I am approaching a dying bred. One of the only that knows both sets of grandparents, parents and great grandparents. And my brother doesn't remember because he was too young.

[Crush]

Cherish the time you still have left with her and don't let her illness distort your memories of her. Remember the good times you had with one another. Although her illness can take her body, it can't take her essence. It can't take your memories of her. It can't take the love that you have for one another. Just remember that.

Also, don't let anyone tell you how to grieve. Everyone grieves differently.

[Kaepernick]

There is no prescription for handling death and each instance is different.

But Life is for the living. Ultimately, you want to grieve and hold the person's memory close, but not lose yourself in the grief or grieve too long. Everyone who has passed on or is about to pass on, wants you to be happy and enjoy your life, not mope over them or become depressed.

Since my baby brother died from cancer at 39, my other brother has never been the same. Years later, he is still wallowing in a backdrop of grief, and it is hurting him in multiple ways. It is not his fault, but he just can't deal with the loss. My baby brother would not have wanted this and I have no way to help him out of it.

Meanwhile, I just remember all the good times I had with my baby brother. All the movies and music and books he recommended for me. Driving him around in my 300 HP Mustang when he was 3 years old. Seeing Star Wars 3 times in a row when he was 6 years old. Watching his college graduation ceremony where he wore his Darth Vader helmet collecting his diploma. Dragging him on vacation around the west to look for a forever home, which he found in Seattle. Seeing him jam on stage. Etc.

It hurts like hell that I don't have access to speak with him and do things or listen to him jam on his guitar, but I try to dwell on the blessings and good times and not indulge the grief that he is gone. I know he would not want that.

Sometimes I talk to him like he can hear me in Heaven. He turned me on to Joe Satriani music and when a favorite song comes on, I will look up and say "Thanks, Chris!", like he can hear me. It helps me in any case.

Live is for the living. You are going to hurt and grieve, but you have to move on, even though the hurt never stops. You just deal with it and count your blessings regarding that person.

There is no road map for this.

Heavy subject, so I will end it on a fun note with the Obituary I wrote for my brother, in which I reference his favorite movies, TV shows, books, restaurants, and music.



Chris Ferreira

Chris Ferreira was born the last of 5 children by Al and Claire Ferreira on January 11, 1975, into the Hollywood blockbuster era of Star Wars, Close Encounters and Indiana Jones, spanning epics like Lord of the Rings. He fled Sacramento's wilting heat for the cold rain of his forever home in Seattle's bohemian University District with its funky theaters, groovy video stores, diverse cuisine and inviting walks. He walked a rut around Green Lake. Chris was a voracious reader and avid film buff, with a connoisseur's palate for gourmet cooking. His knowledge of films, actors and directors was encyclopedic. He was a classically trained virtuoso guitarist with an affinity for Jazz and performed with many accomplished artists. He was happiest with the rejuvenating plasma of music coursing through him. Music was his calling, his passion and his life.

Chris returned to the Wheel of Time at 39 years old on March 16, 2014, and is now teaching jazz guitar to Obi Wan Kenobi while convincing Roger Ebert that Paul Giamatti was more neurotic in Sideways than American Splendor, and haunting Mike McCarthy's dreams for neglecting the Green Bay Packers defense. Some say his spirit never left, which might explain why each morning the staff at Scarecrow Video find their Blu-Ray playing "Magnolia", while hot plates mysteriously go missing from Costa's, Red Mill, and Taste of India. Some say he isn't gone, but is living in Banff, Canada's Chinatown, cutting demo discs between hikes around Lake Louise and passing off bad checks signed "Dale Cooper" at 12 Monkeys Video, and saying "you bastards!" to pursuing RCMP. Who knows? The truth is out there. I say Chris is somewhere above, blithely lost in an everlasting jam session with Miles Davis, Charles Mingus, Charlie Parker, Buddy Rich and Thelonius Monk, writing new material for when we meet again. Heaven sounds a little richer now. We love you Chris.

May the Force be with You!


- See more at: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/sea....X3ApXkle.dpuf

[Kaepernick]

Originally Posted by kcxiv

day by day! There is nothing you can do, its going to suck for a long long time. i lost my sister 4 years ago. You dont really recover you just learn to deal with it. It doesnt get easier.

She was like my 2nd mom. I needed anything i could count on her 100 percent. She was basically the 2nd person in this life that i would trust with anything number 1 being my actual mother.

It just sucks man! You will get through it though.

No, it doesn't get easier but the pain decays. Something used to remind me of Chris daily. Now it is once in a while. The passage of time helps to take the edge off it. But yeah, the pain never goes away. You just can't let that get you down.

[WilliamTheIrish]

Kape

That was tremendous.

[Valiant]

However you can. My stepdad who basically has been the father figure for me since the 80s was diagnosed with stage 4 last year. My parents had their retirement planned. Saved money were going to do stuff which everyone encouraged.
Sadly the time frame they gave hime 2 to 4 is getting less. Chemo and immunotherapy are not working. New tumors keep happening and day by day gets worse. Seeing a vibrant man have his life taken slowly does not have an apt feeling or word that Ican describe.

So I spend as much time as I can. That is why we went to Louisiana to fish. Though there was no fish caught I have new memories. I am trying to get him to do some video recordings of his memories to individuals, kids, family dear friends.

It is just hard. My goal in life was a happy family and kids that get to spend time with their grandparents. No kids, no wife yet, and soon to be one less important parent. I try to focus on the positives day by day. But it gets ****ing hard.

To make matters worse, what my mom is going through I cannot fathom. I just try to be there for her. But her best friend has stage4 also. Then takes care of my grandma and her aunt, she is the only one of my grandmas children who will. My mom is amazing and it is heartbreaking.

I would say talk to your friends and family, cry it out if you have to. **** it, talk with strangers.

Best wishes.

[GloucesterChief]

I am sure it is worse when someone dies relatively quickly. I know I didn't cry when my maternal grandfather died but it was a long slow decline that took about a decade that at the end left him bed ridden for the last 8 months or so of his life. A man who was quite active and happy till he no longer could do it. It was quite clear about 7 years before he died that it was a matter of when not if, he just kept getting progressively more fragile and weak. When he went it was more of a relief that it was all over. I am sure being bed ridden was pretty much hell for him as his main hobbies were gardening and lapidary.

Of course I still think of him. He was the kindest most patient man that I have ever known. I only know of one time where he ever snapped at someone in anger. It looks like my paternal grandmother is going through the same decline now and it hurts.

[displacedinMN]

GC. I have been through both. Dad went in seconds. Heart attack. He had just been here to see my kid in a show. Mom suffered. Watching her ups and downs was unbearable. There were times I did not think she would be there the next day and then recover. Then the slow decline. She told my sister she was ready. I saw her the next week and then gone.

Never easy. They died two years apart.