The Secret Tape

**Rain Man** · 05-29-2007, 07:50 PM

I’ve got this friend who’s got a cousin who works with a guy who does HVAC work. You know, heating and air conditioning stuff. Ventilation too, I guess, or otherwise he would just do HAC work. The guy has a unique idiosyncrasy, in that he has an obsession with the fact that some rich guy will make him a bet someday for a Lamborghini, and he’ll win it, and then the rich guy will renege on the bet and he won’t have any proof of it and will be out a Lamborghini.

Now, you may be wondering what this has to do with the Chiefs, but it is actually relevant. You see, because he’s afraid of the whole Lamborghini thing, he always goes around with one of those little portable tape recorders, just so he can nail the rich guy to the wall when it comes time to settle the bet. And while it seems hard to believe, it turns out that the air conditioning in the Chiefs’ war room went out on Day One of the draft, and who did they call to fix it? That’s right, the guy who works with the cousin of a friend of mine and has a fear of getting gypped out of a Lamborghini.

So he shows up to fix the air conditioning, and he’s got his tape recorder on, and lo and behold, he accidentally recorded the entire Chiefs draft that first day. Via my extensive network of contacts and my willingness to have my Freon replaced at full retail price with that new stuff, I have managed to obtain a copy of this very valuable tape, and I present excerpts of it to you here today.

Let’s start with the Chiefs’ pick in Round 1. Note that the Chiefs war room consists of General Manager Carl Peterson, Bill Kuharich (who has some title that I don’t remember), Denny Thum (who has some title that I don’t remember), Head Coach Herm Edwards, and offensive coordinator Mike Solari.

[Door opens and closes]

Carl Peterson: Are we up? Are we up?

Herm Edwards: Aw geez, Carl, where have you been? Cleveland just traded up in front of us! You weren’t here when Jerry Jones called!

Carl Peterson: I was out at the concession stand negotiating for a hot dog.

Herm: You’ve been gone an hour!

Carl: Well, I’m not going to back down. I know what I can pay, and I was willing to wait until the two sides could make a deal.

Bill Kuharich: Where’s your hot dog?

Carl: Um…it’s holding out.

Bill: I knew we should’ve sent Denny with you.

Mike Solari: Dang it! Cleveland just took Brady Quinn.

Denny Thum: We’re up! We’re up!

Carl: Who’s on our draft board?

Mike: We need an offensive lineman.

Bill: We’re showing Alan Branch, Dwayne Bowe, Dwayne Jarrett, Joe Staley, and Paul Posluz – Pozlus – that one linebacker guy.

Mike: We need an offensive lineman.

Carl: Who’s rated number one?

Bill: Branch.

Denny: Who’s his agent? Because if it’s Ethan Locke, we can’t draft him.

Carl: Denny, sit the **** down and shut the **** up. I’ll draft whoever I want to draft. Is it Branch?

Herm: We could use Bowe. Bowe’s a blocker. A good blocker. Bowe’s like an offensive lineman out there.

Mike: We need an offensive lineman.

Carl: Yeah, but Branch weighs a hundred pounds more than Bowe. He’s a lot cheaper in price per pound.

Herm: I can live with Branch. But if we get Branch, we’ll probably have to cut Sims.

Carl: Who?

Herm: Sims.

Carl: Who?

Herm: Sims.

Carl: Whatever. So Branch is our pick?

Bill: I like this pick. You know the old adage. Offense sells tickets, defense wins games, and kicking wins championships.

Carl: Whoa, hold the phone! What did you just say?

Bill: You know, that old football adage.

Carl: Say it again. Slowly.

Bill: Offense … sells … tickets … defense ... wins games … and kicking … wins … championships. Don’t tell me you haven’t heard that.

Carl: Offense sells tickets? Okay, Branch is out. What offensive players are on the list?

Bill: Carl, it’s just an adage. It’s…

Mike: We need an offensive lineman.

Herm: We’ve got Bowe. Hello!

Carl: Bowe it is. Call it in.

Bill: But seriously, Carl, it’s just a saying.

Carl: Bowe! Make the call!

Denny: Who’s Bowe’s agent?

(Phone rings.)

Carl: Hello?

(Pause.)

Carl: Why yes, I do have a great tight end.

(Long pause. Phone slams on receiver.)

Carl: That was disgusting.

Herm: Trade offer?

Carl: No.

Bill: So where were we?

Carl: I mean, that was really disgusting.

Herm: I think we’re drafting Bowe. Right, Carl?

Bill: Seriously, it’s just an adage.

Carl: Make the call. Bowe.

(Phone rings.)

Carl: Hello?

(Pause.)

Carl: Why yes, I do love Damon Huard.

(Long pause. Phone slams on receiver.)

Carl: That was disgusting.

Herm: Pervert?

Carl: No. It’s the Dolphins, offering us a sixth-round pick for Trent Green.

Bill: So seriously, can we make the call now? We’re almost out of time.

Carl: I mean, that was really disgusting.

Bill: The phone, Carl! Time is running out! Don’t be a laughingstock like the Vikings.

(Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep.)

Carl: Hello, Commissioner Goodell?

(Pause.)

Carl: Do you have a great tight end?

(Pause.)

Carl: No? Well, that just kills the joke. Anyway, we’ll take Dwayne Bowe.

(Pause.)

Carl: Yeah, I think my refrigerator is running.

(Pause.)

Carl: Actually, I’m not sure if we can stop it. Our defense has had a lot of trouble stopping the run.

(Pause.)

Carl: Huh. He hung up on me.

(Sound of feet kicking up on table.)

Bill: Well, men, let’s welcome Mr. Dwayne Bowe to the Chiefs family. And now we can relax for a –

(Sound of door slamming open.)

Gunther Cunningham: Guys! Guys! I’m here! Somehow my memo had the wrong room number on it! I’ve been looking for you guys everywhere!

(Long pause.)

Carl: Oh. Yeah. Sorry about that.

Gunther: I was listening on my Sony Walkman as I was running! Branch is available! BRANCH! TAKE HIM!

Carl: Too late, Gunther. We took Dwayne Bowe.

Gunther: You what?

Carl: You know the old saying. Kicking wins championships, defense wins games, and offense sells tickets.

Gunther: You didn’t take Branch?

Mike: We need an offensive lineman.

Herm: Hello! We took Bowe.

Gunther: AAAAAAAAUUUGGH! You didn’t take Branch?!?! Branch was my tackle! He was big! He was tough! He ripped the sleeves right off his shirt at the combine! Right off! No sleeves, people!

Carl: We went with Bowe. Sorry you, uh, missed it.

Gunther: Branch even told me he was thinking about growing a beard! And you passed him up for a wide receiver?!?!? A wide receiver whose name sounds like a little cartoon animal saying ‘rainbow’!?!?! That’s not tough!

Carl: Gunther, sit the **** down and shut the **** up. Do you want me to have to fire you over the Internet? Because I’ll do it, believe me. I’ll do it.

Herm: I threw away my computer. Don’t even use it any more.

Gunther: But Branch was a top five prospect! Top five!

Carl: Eh, stop complaining. He’ll still be available in the second round.

Bill: I bet he won’t.

Herm: Me, too.

Mike: We need an offensive lineman.

Carl: Wanna bet?

(Long pause. Sound of jingling keys.)

Carl: I’ve got a bright red Lamborghini in the parking lot that says we get Branch in the second round. Anyone? Anyone? Hey, you. Yeah, you - the guy over there fixing the air conditioner. Come over here for a minute.

The tape recorder ran out of tape here, so I don’t have the rest of the first round, but perhaps someday I’ll publish the transcripts of the other rounds. They’re hard to get at the moment because no one can find the HVAC guy. But nonetheless, I think that this transcript really provides a good feel for what things are like in the wheelin’, dealin’ war room of the Kansas City Chiefs.

**Skip Towne** · 05-29-2007, 08:02 PM

What does this have to do with boobies?

**KcMizzou** · 05-29-2007, 08:03 PM

Quote:

Herm: I can live with Branch. But if we get Branch, we’ll probably have to cut Sims.

Carl: Who?

Herm: Sims.

Carl: Who?

Herm: Sims.

Hammock Parties · 05-29-2007, 08:08 PM

Rain Main is a genius.

blueballs · 05-29-2007, 08:16 PM

I love you

RJ · 05-29-2007, 08:24 PM

Kevin, that is a classic.

pikesome · 05-29-2007, 08:31 PM

Quote:

Carl: Yeah, but Branch weighs a hundred pounds more than Bowe. He’s a lot cheaper in price per pound.

unothadeal · 05-29-2007, 08:32 PM

I shit myself.

Joie · 05-29-2007, 08:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kdog414141

I shit myself.

You had to turn this into a poop thread.

RJ · 05-29-2007, 08:35 PM

By the way, Lamborghini Guy was the best part. It was all great, but you really had me going there. Lamborghini Guy is an interesting character.

**HemiEd** · 05-29-2007, 08:45 PM

That was a fun read Kevin!

unothadeal · 05-29-2007, 08:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joie

You had to turn this into a poop thread.

It just wouldn't have seemed right without it.

Joie · 05-29-2007, 08:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kdog414141

It just wouldn't have seemed right without it.

Go drink a bowl of antifreeze.

Thread complete

Slick32 · 05-29-2007, 08:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skip Towne

What does this have to do with boobies?

Real or bolt on?

ChiefaRoo · 05-29-2007, 09:00 PM

Sometimes when Rainman writes these posts I think he looks and acts like this guy on the left.

05-29-2007, 07:50 PM
Rain Man NFL's #1 Ermines Fan Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: My house Casino cash: $3058491 VARSITY	The Secret Tape I’ve got this friend who’s got a cousin who works with a guy who does HVAC work. You know, heating and air conditioning stuff. Ventilation too, I guess, or otherwise he would just do HAC work. The guy has a unique idiosyncrasy, in that he has an obsession with the fact that some rich guy will make him a bet someday for a Lamborghini, and he’ll win it, and then the rich guy will renege on the bet and he won’t have any proof of it and will be out a Lamborghini. Now, you may be wondering what this has to do with the Chiefs, but it is actually relevant. You see, because he’s afraid of the whole Lamborghini thing, he always goes around with one of those little portable tape recorders, just so he can nail the rich guy to the wall when it comes time to settle the bet. And while it seems hard to believe, it turns out that the air conditioning in the Chiefs’ war room went out on Day One of the draft, and who did they call to fix it? That’s right, the guy who works with the cousin of a friend of mine and has a fear of getting gypped out of a Lamborghini. So he shows up to fix the air conditioning, and he’s got his tape recorder on, and lo and behold, he accidentally recorded the entire Chiefs draft that first day. Via my extensive network of contacts and my willingness to have my Freon replaced at full retail price with that new stuff, I have managed to obtain a copy of this very valuable tape, and I present excerpts of it to you here today. Let’s start with the Chiefs’ pick in Round 1. Note that the Chiefs war room consists of General Manager Carl Peterson, Bill Kuharich (who has some title that I don’t remember), Denny Thum (who has some title that I don’t remember), Head Coach Herm Edwards, and offensive coordinator Mike Solari. [Door opens and closes] Carl Peterson: Are we up? Are we up? Herm Edwards: Aw geez, Carl, where have you been? Cleveland just traded up in front of us! You weren’t here when Jerry Jones called! Carl Peterson: I was out at the concession stand negotiating for a hot dog. Herm: You’ve been gone an hour! Carl: Well, I’m not going to back down. I know what I can pay, and I was willing to wait until the two sides could make a deal. Bill Kuharich: Where’s your hot dog? Carl: Um…it’s holding out. Bill: I knew we should’ve sent Denny with you. Mike Solari: Dang it! Cleveland just took Brady Quinn. Denny Thum: We’re up! We’re up! Carl: Who’s on our draft board? Mike: We need an offensive lineman. Bill: We’re showing Alan Branch, Dwayne Bowe, Dwayne Jarrett, Joe Staley, and Paul Posluz – Pozlus – that one linebacker guy. Mike: We need an offensive lineman. Carl: Who’s rated number one? Bill: Branch. Denny: Who’s his agent? Because if it’s Ethan Locke, we can’t draft him. Carl: Denny, sit the ** down and shut the up. I’ll draft whoever I want to draft. Is it Branch? Herm: We could use Bowe. Bowe’s a blocker. A good blocker. Bowe’s like an offensive lineman out there. Mike: We need an offensive lineman. Carl: Yeah, but Branch weighs a hundred pounds more than Bowe. He’s a lot cheaper in price per pound. Herm: I can live with Branch. But if we get Branch, we’ll probably have to cut Sims. Carl: Who? Herm: Sims. Carl: Who? Herm: Sims. Carl: Whatever. So Branch is our pick? Bill: I like this pick. You know the old adage. Offense sells tickets, defense wins games, and kicking wins championships. Carl: Whoa, hold the phone! What did you just say? Bill: You know, that old football adage. Carl: Say it again. Slowly. Bill: Offense … sells … tickets … defense ... wins games … and kicking … wins … championships. Don’t tell me you haven’t heard that. Carl: Offense sells tickets? Okay, Branch is out. What offensive players are on the list? Bill: Carl, it’s just an adage. It’s… Mike: We need an offensive lineman. Herm: We’ve got Bowe. Hello! Carl: Bowe it is. Call it in. Bill: But seriously, Carl, it’s just a saying. Carl: Bowe! Make the call! Denny: Who’s Bowe’s agent? (Phone rings.) Carl: Hello? (Pause.) Carl: Why yes, I do have a great tight end. (Long pause. Phone slams on receiver.) Carl: That was disgusting. Herm: Trade offer? Carl: No. Bill: So where were we? Carl: I mean, that was really disgusting. Herm: I think we’re drafting Bowe. Right, Carl? Bill: Seriously, it’s just an adage. Carl: Make the call. Bowe. (Phone rings.) Carl: Hello? (Pause.) Carl: Why yes, I do love Damon Huard. (Long pause. Phone slams on receiver.) Carl: That was disgusting. Herm: Pervert? Carl: No. It’s the Dolphins, offering us a sixth-round pick for Trent Green. Bill: So seriously, can we make the call now? We’re almost out of time. Carl: I mean, that was really disgusting. Bill: The phone, Carl! Time is running out! Don’t be a laughingstock like the Vikings. (Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep.) Carl: Hello, Commissioner Goodell? (Pause.) Carl: Do you have a great tight end? (Pause.) Carl: No? Well, that just kills the joke. Anyway, we’ll take Dwayne Bowe. (Pause.) Carl: Yeah, I think my refrigerator is running. (Pause.) Carl: Actually, I’m not sure if we can stop it. Our defense has had a lot of trouble stopping the run. (Pause.) Carl: Huh. He hung up on me. (Sound of feet kicking up on table.) Bill: Well, men, let’s welcome Mr. Dwayne Bowe to the Chiefs family. And now we can relax for a – (Sound of door slamming open.) Gunther Cunningham: Guys! Guys! I’m here! Somehow my memo had the wrong room number on it! I’ve been looking for you guys everywhere! (Long pause.) Carl: Oh. Yeah. Sorry about that. Gunther: I was listening on my Sony Walkman as I was running! Branch is available! BRANCH! TAKE HIM! Carl: Too late, Gunther. We took Dwayne Bowe. Gunther: You what? Carl: You know the old saying. Kicking wins championships, defense wins games, and offense sells tickets. Gunther: You didn’t take Branch? Mike: We need an offensive lineman. Herm: Hello! We took Bowe. Gunther: AAAAAAAAUUUGGH! You didn’t take Branch?!?! Branch was my tackle! He was big! He was tough! He ripped the sleeves right off his shirt at the combine! Right off! No sleeves, people! Carl: We went with Bowe. Sorry you, uh, missed it. Gunther: Branch even told me he was thinking about growing a beard! And you passed him up for a wide receiver?!?!? A wide receiver whose name sounds like a little cartoon animal saying ‘rainbow’!?!?! That’s not tough! Carl: Gunther, sit the down and shut the ** up. Do you want me to have to fire you over the Internet? Because I’ll do it, believe me. I’ll do it. Herm: I threw away my computer. Don’t even use it any more. Gunther: But Branch was a top five prospect! Top five! Carl: Eh, stop complaining. He’ll still be available in the second round. Bill: I bet he won’t. Herm: Me, too. Mike: We need an offensive lineman. Carl: Wanna bet? (Long pause. Sound of jingling keys.) Carl: I’ve got a bright red Lamborghini in the parking lot that says we get Branch in the second round. Anyone? Anyone? Hey, you. Yeah, you - the guy over there fixing the air conditioner. Come over here for a minute. The tape recorder ran out of tape here, so I don’t have the rest of the first round, but perhaps someday I’ll publish the transcripts of the other rounds. They’re hard to get at the moment because no one can find the HVAC guy. But nonetheless, I think that this transcript really provides a good feel for what things are like in the wheelin’, dealin’ war room of the Kansas City Chiefs.
Posts: 141,648

05-29-2007, 08:02 PM	#2
Skip Towne Supporter Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: T-Town Casino cash: $10004900	What does this have to do with boobies?
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05-29-2007, 08:08 PM	#4
Hammock Parties I'll be back. Join Date: Nov 2002 Casino cash: $4450478	Rain Main is a genius. __________________ Chiefs game films
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05-29-2007, 08:16 PM	#5
blueballs Banned Join Date: Feb 2006 Casino cash: $10004900	I love you
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05-29-2007, 08:24 PM	#6
RJ Supporter Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: In a shotgun shack Casino cash: $9955202	Kevin, that is a classic.
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05-29-2007, 08:32 PM	#8
unothadeal HOF 20?? Join Date: Dec 2006 Casino cash: $5115120	I shit myself.
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05-29-2007, 08:35 PM	#10
RJ Supporter Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: In a shotgun shack Casino cash: $9955202	By the way, Lamborghini Guy was the best part. It was all great, but you really had me going there. Lamborghini Guy is an interesting character.
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05-29-2007, 08:45 PM	#11
HemiEd Supporter Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Ozarks Casino cash: $3020564	That was a fun read Kevin!
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05-29-2007, 09:00 PM	#15
ChiefaRoo MVP Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Austin,TX Casino cash: $5027505	Sometimes when Rainman writes these posts I think he looks and acts like this guy on the left.
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