An ode to the Professional Softball Player

[cadmonkey]

http://www.barstoolsports.com/article/Softball_Dude/252/

Softball Dude

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m the best fucking softball player you’ve ever met.

Just ask the opposing teams in the 4 leagues I’m in this summer. I flat out rake. You could populate a small country with all the pitchers I've taken deep.

I just spent three hours in the batting cage and hit the shit out of the ball. Line drives, big flies, opposite field shots. I can do it all. Some kids next to me in the cages were staring and pointing at me. I can’t blame them. They’ve probably never seen a 40 year-old man wearing Oakley Blades and batting gloves who can hit bombs like me. Especially not with shorts this tight.

This season, I’m making sure we sweep all 4 leagues.

Especially the Men’s League at St. Anthony’s. We were two outs away from winning that baby last year and now I can taste it. I’ve gotta get my hands on that 10-foot plastic trophy. It’s all I think about. Rumor has it the league winners get 2 free pitchers at Murphy’s Pub after the season. No way we lose with the trophy and 78 ounces of Busch on the line.

I just bought all new equipment for this season. You should see the acrylic baseball pants I got. Super tight. I picked up a new set of wristbands, a tube of eye black and a pair of 3-inch mud cleats, you know, just in case I need to break up a double play. I also got my hands on a $350 titanium bat for a little extra power. It cost me a week’s pay, but screw it, when I start cranking 400-foot shots it will be worth it. Plus I might need it to beat off all the trim that will be chasing me after the games.

Softball groupies love guys who can go deep.

I can’t wait for that first at bat. I’m bringing a tape deck to the game, so that I can blast The Scorpions when I walk to the plate. Nothing gets me fired up to play ball more than The Scorpions. Except maybe AC/DC, but I save that for the playoffs.

I feel sorry for the other teams. They have no idea what I’m about to unleash on them. Actually, I don’t feel sorry for them. You think that anyone felt sorry for me when that bastard coach cut me from the 8th grade baseball team? You think Babe Ruth or Dave Kingman felt sorry for the other team when they took them deep?

They should have known better than to get into a league with me.

This year I’m focused. I practiced like a son of a bitch in the winter and got the call to play third. That’s right, the hot corner. Only the best play the hot corner. I have to be sharp, so no more beer during the games. I’m going to wait until after the game to starting pounding cold ones and I’m still going to drink you under the table.

My initials might as well be M-V-P. That stands for Most Valuable Player for all you non-softball players.

The League starts Tuesday night. I took the day off of work.

Why do I take softball so seriously?

fuck you. You’re just jealous.

[Valiant]

Originally Posted by mmaddog

Couldn't have said it better!!

I've been playing ball since I was 6 and bugged my dad to play on the 9 to 12 y/o league he coached. No one was more competetive than I was in my earlier years. BUT, I never once took softball so seriously that I lived my life around it, screamed at my friends when they screwed up and dressed liked I just walked out of MC Sports.

As I have imparted to everyone here on an thread a month or two ago, I am playing my "goodbye year" this summer, because it's time to turn this game over to the younger guys, and spend more time coaching my kids. But I will tell you this year has been an eye opener for me in terms of seeing myself when I was younger.

The company is sponsoring a team made up of mostly guys who work there, or the husband of a wife who works at the company. We ended up having to get into a league that was a step above our competition level due to getting our team in late. But, what was supposed to be a "C" league has 3 teams who are more like "A" teams who couldn't get into any other league because no one wanted to play them. And now I know why.....it is 3 whole teams made up of the very type of person that this thread describes. Two of those teams get pissed if they don't destroy every team they play, except each other,within 3 innings. And if they are ahead by 15 runs after a couple of innings, they spend their last at bat making a game out of trying to ding the pitcher.

All 3 of these teams have played together for several years, even switching players amongst each other, but completely destroying any competition. What makes two of these teams less desirable to play is that they love being obnoxious during the game...and even more obnoxious afterwards.

Hey...I don't mind losing to a much better team, and expect it considering we are mostly a bunch of guys who enjoy playing ball for fun. But it's just a game, and making target practice out of the pitcher and taunting your opponent takes all the fun out of it.

I bet Pitt Gorilla, if he plays softball here, could probably name the teams I am talking about...no one really likes them anymore.

mmaddog
*******

Those teams do not play the upper divisions because noone wanted to play them, these types of teams drop down levels to practice on your teams and humilate your teams... These are the asses of the higher divisions.. It pisses me off how many of these clubs that are A and B that play D divisions...

[Jenny Gump]

My 7 year old's coach pitch team played against a team that was full of boys like that guy. Damn, you should have seen them making double plays and stuff. Our team is modeled somewhat after the Bad News Bears compared to them.

[Demonpenz]

reminds me of high school alumni basketball

[WilliamTheIrish]

Originally Posted by BigRedChief

I played fast pitch softball until about age 25. Its was about drinking beer and having a good time to me. Those dudes just got too serious. Reliving failed dreams or something. Pathetic.

Completely different animal. Fast pitch is a game with strategy. Base stealing. Moving the runner over with the bunt. Pitch outs. Throws to 2b to nail a runner. Taking the extra base. It's a game where you need a short compact swing, not the high leg kick followed by UUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!! that you see in slow pitch.
You have to be competitive just to play. I played catcher on a local team for 15 years. Loved every minute of it.

It's too bad that it's a dying sport. There were some great teams in the Kansas City, Topeka, St Joe area. Not many good pitchers left. Lots of good players, just a lack of pitchers.