Death and Old Age

[Rain Man]

I just got back from my cousin's funeral.

He was eight years older than me, and the first person in my generation of family to die. I didn't know him extremely well, because we generally saw each other only on holidays, and even then only during my childhood. But he nonetheless had a notable impact on me.

Whenever we would visit his house, I had two things on my agenda. The first was to go to the bathroom and rinse the vomit out of my mouth, because they lived along some winding country roads that had the perfect harmonic pattern to make me carsick. But the second was to go check out my cousin's bolo tie collection. He was a big collector of bolo ties and always had interesting ones to look at.

The coolest bolo tie to an eight year old was one that had a small dead scorpion encased in lucite or some such thing. I'd see that, and I'd think, "Daayyyummmm, how cool are you when you're wearing a bolo tie with a scorpion in it?"

When I was 8 he was driving, and when I was 10 he was married, so we were always in a different life stage. In that way, he wasn't part of the pack, but it was good to have an older cousin because he was the leader of our generation. My parents and aunts and uncles were all adults, and I knew I'd never be an adult, but this guy was one of us. He was a cousin, and yet he had it all put together. He had a car. He had a girl. He wore cool bolo ties with scorpions. If he could do it, maybe the little dweebie kids like me could do it.

So I went to his funeral this weekend. It was a catholic funeral and I had forgotten that he was raised a catholic. Whether it was tradition or a compromise of physical space, they caught me by surprise with the his coffin. I walked in, signed the guest register, turned, and "Whoa! Dead person right behind me!" Are catholics big on funeral practical jokes?

Anyway, I'd never been to a catholic funeral, and it was good exercise. I stood and I sat and I stood and I sat. It went on a while, and at some point the priest even stopped and had a snack. Then he invited the other catholics to come up for a snack but he didn't invite the non-Catholics, and I understood a little better why northern Ireland has had those hostilities. Rather than fomenting armed conflict, I used that opportunity to head to the bathroom and then came back the next time everyone sat down and stood up.

I haven't been to a funeral in years, and remembered that I don't enjoy them. You've got family crying and friends crying and cousins trying not to cry, and the whole process seems like it's designed to make you cry. I don't like crying in public, and it generally only happens during funerals and playoff losses. That's not my gig.

My cousin's father is still alive, and he seems pretty sharp mentally though he's in a wheelchair now and he looks really old. We went to the grave service after the funeral and I saw him sitting there, and I thought, "Wow. That's a bad day for you when you're burying your only son." The guy also buried his wife three months ago after more than 60 years of marriage, and now he's got to move to an assisted living facility since he lost most of his family this year and can't really take care of himself at this point.

Then we went to the post-funeral dinner, and I have to say that the catholics shined here. The church members whip up a dinner, and while the vegetables were pretty sparse and overcooked they sure had a lot of desserts.

My elderly diabetic parents loaded up on the desserts, insisting that they're "usually pretty good about watching their sugars". They had six types of cookies on the kitchen counter when I went to their house to spend the weekend, but they're usually pretty good about watching their sugars. They ate dessert at every meal and made cinnamon rolls in the morning, so the smart bet is on diabetes to win in the long term.

So I'm sitting there, and my uncle is in his wheelchair thinking about his move and my cousin is gone. My elderly parents are gnoshing on cheesecake and my other aunt and uncle are talking about selling their rural house because they need better access to healthcare. And about this point I realize that Time is about to swing a very large scythe through my personal history. The next ten years is going to be a rough ride.

I've always declared that I will be the world's oldest human being. I love this little blue planet and I love my life. But man, I'm looking around and there's not a good end game. You either go out like my cousin and get cheated out of twenty or twenty-five years, or you go out like my uncle where you're in a room with four walls and no one knows you exist other than the Social Security Office. And I see once-omnipotent relatives getting more hunched and more forgetful and counting every penny because retirement is hard, or hobbling to work because retirement is not possible, and I'm just not seeing what I want to see. And when I don't shave my beard stubble looks really silver.

I don't know about this whole thing. Those financial ads show retired people on yachts with nautical captain hats and powder blue sweaters tied around their necks. But I don't know anybody with a yacht and I don't know that many people with powder blue sweaters, and I don't think that's really how it ends, anyway.

I'm in conflict. I absolutely don't want to go early like my cousin did, because he got cheated. But I'm not really liking how it ends for the older ones, too. We all got put onto this ride and right now we're laughing and screaming and holding our hands up in the air, but I don't think we're going to be collecting our belongings and exiting to the right when it's over. And I don't really like that. Maybe I'll start looking more into the Walt Disney disembodied head option.

There needs to be a rewind button or something.

[TimBone]

Originally Posted by Bacon Cheeseburger

There's a movie about Nebraska? Is it just 90 minutes of nothing?

Originally Posted by Rain Man

There are a couple of funny parts, but otherwise, yeah.

That is the best description of the movie. I thought those few funny laughs were worth it though. They were quality laughs.

[Trivers]

Sorry for your loss. You have great sense of humor. You are making your own path.

You only live once; make the most of it. Don't be become a hippie and frequent nude beaches of old fat people; nor become a money obsessed miser.

Perhaps before it is all over, and you feel your body fading away, you can tell the Grim Reaper that you go peacefully as the Chiefs won a SB again!

[jamesincanada]

Knowing the future is a bitch. I was tested for Huntington's because it runs in my family and I've got it. I don't have any symptoms yet, but it is surreal trying to wrap my head around it. Seeing my Mom is a front row seat to my future. The hardest part to accept is that now my daughter has a 50-50 chance of getting it.

Whoever said "Ignorance is bliss" wasn't ****ing kidding.

[cmh6476]

I think the deciding factor really could be if you really want someone else to have to wipe your ass again.

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by jamesincanada

Knowing the future is a bitch. I was tested for Huntington's because it runs in my family and I've got it. I don't have any symptoms yet, but it is surreal trying to wrap my head around it. Seeing my Mom is a front row seat to my future. The hardest part to accept is that now my daughter has a 50-50 chance of getting it.

Whoever said "Ignorance is bliss" wasn't ****ing kidding.

Sorry to hear that. A friend of mine has it, and that's a tough break to catch.

[jamesincanada]

Thanks. Sorry to hear about your friend. It is a shitty disease. It seems like because it's pretty rare that it doesn't get many research hours/dollars.

[Hammock Parties]

Maybe if you live long enough you can finish this Sandbox Simulations Football thing.

[Hammock Parties]

Originally Posted by BigRedChief

This is why you don't **** around and live life. It ain't no dress rehearsal. Regrets have to be the worst possible last feeling you can possibly have.

I've already decided I'm going somewhere exotic and strange next year. With sand. And I don't plan to sit in it and drink fruity alcohol.

[WilliamTheIrish]

Kev,

As a non practicing Catholic, I actually enjoy the funeral service. The Irish perfected it many centuries ago by having "the wake". It used to be the wake took place in the home of the deceased. And in my Dad's generation you would walk in to the home and the body would be there in the casket.
Many are the stories I recall of my parents telling me they said goodbye to friends at these wakes. The drinks flowed freely as well as the stories. And who can spin yarns better than the Irish? There were times where the the decedent was taken out of the casket and put in his favorite rocking chair or recliner and his life was toasted in celebration.

My mothers service was packed into a church in downtown Topeka where they flowed out from the vestibule onto the sidewalk. As the story of her life was told (a very tragic life) and completed, she was greeted by 600 people giving her a standing ovation. In death. She deserved it in life.

I'm of that age where I think about my mortality. Being 51 was difficult for me because that was the age that my father passed. I made it past that and some of those ghosts have relented. But some remain.

I'm sorry to hear about your cousin. The bolo tie story is magnificent.

Life is good.

[cdcox]

In the past year, my FIL went from a normal guy, to delusional dementia, to dead -- every tradition was very sudden. My mom went into a nursing home with late stage Alzheimer's disease after my dad had a minor stroke and couldn't care for her any more. Dad is actually doing well, but his actuarial clock is something like 7 years. Yes, I've reflected a great deal this past year, which has been one of the most noteworthy and interesting of my nearly 53 years.

The end is the dues you pay to play the game. You can't change the dues, so it is imperative to get the most out of the game as you can, while you can, however you define it. One of the true good things of your life is that you define what a good life means. In the end, I rate that as a pretty damn good deal and I would the whole thing again if I could, a thousand times over. The real tragedy isn't the way it ends, but rather the fact you can't put another quarter in the pinball machine for another go.

[Direckshun]

Homer Simpson, of all people, had probably the best quote bet about death, totally summarizing how I feel about it:

"I'm not afraid of dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

[BucEyedPea]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

Anyway, I'd never been to a catholic funeral, and it was good exercise. I stood and I sat and I stood and I sat.

Heh!Heh! That used to get to me. Sorry to hear about your cousin's death. What did he die of?

It went on a while, and at some point the priest even stopped and had a snack. Then he invited the other catholics to come up for a snack but he didn't invite the non-Catholics, and I understood a little better why northern Ireland has had those hostilities.

You sure it wasn't the communion wafer part of the ceremony?

Then we went to the post-funeral dinner, and I have to say that the catholics shined here. The church members whip up a dinner, and while the vegetables were pretty sparse and overcooked they sure had a lot of desserts.

The Italian Catholics really go to town on serving a meal after a funeral.

[TribalElder]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

I just got back from my cousin's funeral.

He was eight years older than me, and the first person in my generation of family to die. I didn't know him extremely well, because we generally saw each other only on holidays, and even then only during my childhood. But he nonetheless had a notable impact on me.

Whenever we would visit his house, I had two things on my agenda. The first was to go to the bathroom and rinse the vomit out of my mouth, because they lived along some winding country roads that had the perfect harmonic pattern to make me carsick. But the second was to go check out my cousin's bolo tie collection. He was a big collector of bolo ties and always had interesting ones to look at.

The coolest bolo tie to an eight year old was one that had a small dead scorpion encased in lucite or some such thing. I'd see that, and I'd think, "Daayyyummmm, how cool are you when you're wearing a bolo tie with a scorpion in it?"

When I was 8 he was driving, and when I was 10 he was married, so we were always in a different life stage. In that way, he wasn't part of the pack, but it was good to have an older cousin because he was the leader of our generation. My parents and aunts and uncles were all adults, and I knew I'd never be an adult, but this guy was one of us. He was a cousin, and yet he had it all put together. He had a car. He had a girl. He wore cool bolo ties with scorpions. If he could do it, maybe the little dweebie kids like me could do it.

So I went to his funeral this weekend. It was a catholic funeral and I had forgotten that he was raised a catholic. Whether it was tradition or a compromise of physical space, they caught me by surprise with the his coffin. I walked in, signed the guest register, turned, and "Whoa! Dead person right behind me!" Are catholics big on funeral practical jokes?

Anyway, I'd never been to a catholic funeral, and it was good exercise. I stood and I sat and I stood and I sat. It went on a while, and at some point the priest even stopped and had a snack. Then he invited the other catholics to come up for a snack but he didn't invite the non-Catholics, and I understood a little better why northern Ireland has had those hostilities. Rather than fomenting armed conflict, I used that opportunity to head to the bathroom and then came back the next time everyone sat down and stood up.

I haven't been to a funeral in years, and remembered that I don't enjoy them. You've got family crying and friends crying and cousins trying not to cry, and the whole process seems like it's designed to make you cry. I don't like crying in public, and it generally only happens during funerals and playoff losses. That's not my gig.

My cousin's father is still alive, and he seems pretty sharp mentally though he's in a wheelchair now and he looks really old. We went to the grave service after the funeral and I saw him sitting there, and I thought, "Wow. That's a bad day for you when you're burying your only son." The guy also buried his wife three months ago after more than 60 years of marriage, and now he's got to move to an assisted living facility since he lost most of his family this year and can't really take care of himself at this point.

Then we went to the post-funeral dinner, and I have to say that the catholics shined here. The church members whip up a dinner, and while the vegetables were pretty sparse and overcooked they sure had a lot of desserts.

My elderly diabetic parents loaded up on the desserts, insisting that they're "usually pretty good about watching their sugars". They had six types of cookies on the kitchen counter when I went to their house to spend the weekend, but they're usually pretty good about watching their sugars. They ate dessert at every meal and made cinnamon rolls in the morning, so the smart bet is on diabetes to win in the long term.

So I'm sitting there, and my uncle is in his wheelchair thinking about his move and my cousin is gone. My elderly parents are gnoshing on cheesecake and my other aunt and uncle are talking about selling their rural house because they need better access to healthcare. And about this point I realize that Time is about to swing a very large scythe through my personal history. The next ten years is going to be a rough ride.

I've always declared that I will be the world's oldest human being. I love this little blue planet and I love my life. But man, I'm looking around and there's not a good end game. You either go out like my cousin and get cheated out of twenty or twenty-five years, or you go out like my uncle where you're in a room with four walls and no one knows you exist other than the Social Security Office. And I see once-omnipotent relatives getting more hunched and more forgetful and counting every penny because retirement is hard, or hobbling to work because retirement is not possible, and I'm just not seeing what I want to see. And when I don't shave my beard stubble looks really silver.

I don't know about this whole thing. Those financial ads show retired people on yachts with nautical captain hats and powder blue sweaters tied around their necks. But I don't know anybody with a yacht and I don't know that many people with powder blue sweaters, and I don't think that's really how it ends, anyway.

I'm in conflict. I absolutely don't want to go early like my cousin did, because he got cheated. But I'm not really liking how it ends for the older ones, too. We all got put onto this ride and right now we're laughing and screaming and holding our hands up in the air, but I don't think we're going to be collecting our belongings and exiting to the right when it's over. And I don't really like that. Maybe I'll start looking more into the Walt Disney disembodied head option.

There needs to be a rewind button or something.

Catholic services are always an event and they typically make sure all the non Catholics realize they are not in the club by disallowing them communion and shit like that.

Sorry for your loss, dying sucks. You mention he went 20-25 years early or so, I have to ask. Which type of frozen pizza was he selecting on the previously posted frozen pizza life scale?

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by TribalElder

Sorry for your loss, dying sucks. You mention he went 20-25 years early or so, I have to ask. Which type of frozen pizza was he selecting on the previously posted frozen pizza life scale?

He was a humble guy. While he was probably in the Red Baron phase of life, I have a feeling that he never chose to go past Totino's.

Originally Posted by BucEyedPea

Heh!Heh! That used to get to me. Sorry to hear about your cousin's death. What did he die of?

Pancreatic cancer. Came as a surprise.

Originally Posted by BucEyedPea

You sure it wasn't the communion wafer part of the ceremony?

I can't put anything by you.

[Buehler445]

Sorry to hear RM. I'm in the same boat. Since I moved back to Scott everyone has decided to do all their aging in the last 5 years.

I can't be old. Fortunately I'm pretty sure it won't happen.