An ode to the Professional Softball Player

cadmonkey · 06-30-2005, 06:57 AM

http://www.barstoolsports.com/article/Softball_Dude/252/

Softball Dude

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m the best fucking softball player you’ve ever met.

Just ask the opposing teams in the 4 leagues I’m in this summer. I flat out rake. You could populate a small country with all the pitchers I've taken deep.

I just spent three hours in the batting cage and hit the shit out of the ball. Line drives, big flies, opposite field shots. I can do it all. Some kids next to me in the cages were staring and pointing at me. I can’t blame them. They’ve probably never seen a 40 year-old man wearing Oakley Blades and batting gloves who can hit bombs like me. Especially not with shorts this tight.

This season, I’m making sure we sweep all 4 leagues.

Especially the Men’s League at St. Anthony’s. We were two outs away from winning that baby last year and now I can taste it. I’ve gotta get my hands on that 10-foot plastic trophy. It’s all I think about. Rumor has it the league winners get 2 free pitchers at Murphy’s Pub after the season. No way we lose with the trophy and 78 ounces of Busch on the line.

I just bought all new equipment for this season. You should see the acrylic baseball pants I got. Super tight. I picked up a new set of wristbands, a tube of eye black and a pair of 3-inch mud cleats, you know, just in case I need to break up a double play. I also got my hands on a $350 titanium bat for a little extra power. It cost me a week’s pay, but screw it, when I start cranking 400-foot shots it will be worth it. Plus I might need it to beat off all the trim that will be chasing me after the games.

Softball groupies love guys who can go deep.

I can’t wait for that first at bat. I’m bringing a tape deck to the game, so that I can blast The Scorpions when I walk to the plate. Nothing gets me fired up to play ball more than The Scorpions. Except maybe AC/DC, but I save that for the playoffs.

I feel sorry for the other teams. They have no idea what I’m about to unleash on them. Actually, I don’t feel sorry for them. You think that anyone felt sorry for me when that bastard coach cut me from the 8th grade baseball team? You think Babe Ruth or Dave Kingman felt sorry for the other team when they took them deep?

They should have known better than to get into a league with me.

This year I’m focused. I practiced like a son of a bitch in the winter and got the call to play third. That’s right, the hot corner. Only the best play the hot corner. I have to be sharp, so no more beer during the games. I’m going to wait until after the game to starting pounding cold ones and I’m still going to drink you under the table.

My initials might as well be M-V-P. That stands for Most Valuable Player for all you non-softball players.

The League starts Tuesday night. I took the day off of work.

Why do I take softball so seriously?

fuck you. You’re just jealous.

06-30-2005, 07:00 AM

What's the point?

Eleazar · 06-30-2005, 07:04 AM

Until you play with a guy like that you don't understand.

**Saulbadguy** · 06-30-2005, 07:06 AM

Those are the guys in "League 1". I'm glad I play in "League 10".

**Lzen** · 06-30-2005, 07:25 AM

Heh, we just played a team on Sunday that had a guy or 2 like that.

We get 'em again tomorrow. These guys were drinking and still kicked our butts. Nothing wrong with being a little competitive. Hell, I'm pretty competitive myself. But guys like this are just nuts.

KCTitus · 06-30-2005, 07:41 AM

Oh yeah...played in a few leagues in college and there was allways a few teams that were the absolute worst with a group of a-holes like this one.

ridiculous.

Eleazar · 06-30-2005, 07:50 AM

My team is pretty bad, to be sure, we play in the lowest league but it's a good time. Anyway, this is the complete fat guy, truck driver, dubtee beer league. So a couple weeks ago we're playing a team of older guys (late 30s probably) and our catcher notices they are using an illegal bat. He pointed it out and of course they were ready to run us over with their camaros after that.

I mean, how empty is your life if you have to drop several hundred dollars on an illegal bat at the most pathetic level of softball to get a couple of wins?

**Old Dog** · 06-30-2005, 08:02 AM

If you've ever hit a titanium bat you'll know that they don't offer a "little" extra power. They easily add 60 feet to the normal swing.

They're illegal in every sanctioning body though, too dangerous.

beavis · 06-30-2005, 08:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cochise

I mean, how empty is your life if you have to drop several hundred dollars on an illegal bat at the most pathetic level of softball to get a couple of wins?

Oh, the irony.

Brock · 06-30-2005, 09:11 AM

I've never really understood why super-competitive types don't just play baseball. Why slow-pitch softball? Weird.

06-30-2005, 09:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brock

I've never really understood why super-competitive types don't just play baseball. Why slow-pitch softball? Weird.

Because slow pitch softball is vastly popular and readily available. How many large ballparks are available that could handle rec players driving a baseball 400 feet?

I play softball and I take it kinda seriously because it's fun for me. I realize it's not for everybody. I'm nowhere near this guy's level of ignorance, though. Once I spent $100 on a used $350 bat. One other time my wife bought me a $250 bat for about $180. But, I don't wear batting gloves, sliding shorts, and all the other softball specialty gear. I do wear coach shorts that are probably fairly tight. Heh heh.

ChiefsCountry · 06-30-2005, 09:26 AM

That is very true article.

Goapics1 · 06-30-2005, 09:30 AM

This you Phil?

06-30-2005, 09:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChiefsCountry

That is very true article.

Bah. It's an exaggeration. I've played ball for 15 years. There's a select few who are this bad. Most of the rec softball players are out there to have a little competition and work up a sweat.

tyton75 · 06-30-2005, 09:30 AM

This cracks me UP.. I play occasionally in a Softball league with a friend of mine who is quickly becoming "that" guy...

never played baseball, but has the whole outfit.. the baseball pants, shoes, his own softball bats, baseball bag.. the whole 9... and he is in 3 leagues..

I just don't get it.. its fun hanging out with friends and doing something.. but thats about it

06-30-2005, 06:57 AM
cadmonkey Please no Vick!!!!!! Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Boston, Ma Casino cash: $10004900	An ode to the Professional Softball Player http://www.barstoolsports.com/article/Softball_Dude/252/ Softball Dude Allow me to introduce myself. I’m the best fucking softball player you’ve ever met. Just ask the opposing teams in the 4 leagues I’m in this summer. I flat out rake. You could populate a small country with all the pitchers I've taken deep. I just spent three hours in the batting cage and hit the shit out of the ball. Line drives, big flies, opposite field shots. I can do it all. Some kids next to me in the cages were staring and pointing at me. I can’t blame them. They’ve probably never seen a 40 year-old man wearing Oakley Blades and batting gloves who can hit bombs like me. Especially not with shorts this tight. This season, I’m making sure we sweep all 4 leagues. Especially the Men’s League at St. Anthony’s. We were two outs away from winning that baby last year and now I can taste it. I’ve gotta get my hands on that 10-foot plastic trophy. It’s all I think about. Rumor has it the league winners get 2 free pitchers at Murphy’s Pub after the season. No way we lose with the trophy and 78 ounces of Busch on the line. I just bought all new equipment for this season. You should see the acrylic baseball pants I got. Super tight. I picked up a new set of wristbands, a tube of eye black and a pair of 3-inch mud cleats, you know, just in case I need to break up a double play. I also got my hands on a $350 titanium bat for a little extra power. It cost me a week’s pay, but screw it, when I start cranking 400-foot shots it will be worth it. Plus I might need it to beat off all the trim that will be chasing me after the games. Softball groupies love guys who can go deep. I can’t wait for that first at bat. I’m bringing a tape deck to the game, so that I can blast The Scorpions when I walk to the plate. Nothing gets me fired up to play ball more than The Scorpions. Except maybe AC/DC, but I save that for the playoffs. I feel sorry for the other teams. They have no idea what I’m about to unleash on them. Actually, I don’t feel sorry for them. You think that anyone felt sorry for me when that bastard coach cut me from the 8th grade baseball team? You think Babe Ruth or Dave Kingman felt sorry for the other team when they took them deep? They should have known better than to get into a league with me. This year I’m focused. I practiced like a son of a bitch in the winter and got the call to play third. That’s right, the hot corner. Only the best play the hot corner. I have to be sharp, so no more beer during the games. I’m going to wait until after the game to starting pounding cold ones and I’m still going to drink you under the table. My initials might as well be M-V-P. That stands for Most Valuable Player for all you non-softball players. The League starts Tuesday night. I took the day off of work. Why do I take softball so seriously? fuck you. You’re just jealous.
Posts: 13,115

06-30-2005, 07:00 AM	#2
Phobia Guest Casino cash: $	What's the point?
Posts: n/a

06-30-2005, 07:04 AM	#3
Eleazar Beyond the Rapids Join Date: May 2003 Location: Langley, VA Casino cash: $-370000	Until you play with a guy like that you don't understand.
Posts: 80,659

06-30-2005, 07:06 AM	#4
Saulbadguy When a nightmare becomes real Join Date: Nov 2003 Casino cash: $736966	Those are the guys in "League 1". I'm glad I play in "League 10". __________________ http://www.goemaw.com
Posts: 47,020

06-30-2005, 07:25 AM	#5
Lzen Banded Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Oz Casino cash: $-629308	Heh, we just played a team on Sunday that had a guy or 2 like that. We get 'em again tomorrow. These guys were drinking and still kicked our butts. Nothing wrong with being a little competitive. Hell, I'm pretty competitive myself. But guys like this are just nuts. __________________ Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know.
Posts: 42,476

06-30-2005, 07:41 AM	#6
KCTitus Archivist Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: The Ethernet Casino cash: $9882732	Oh yeah...played in a few leagues in college and there was allways a few teams that were the absolute worst with a group of a-holes like this one. ridiculous. __________________ Anything you post on this BB can and will be used against you...
Posts: 26,199

06-30-2005, 07:50 AM	#7
Eleazar Beyond the Rapids Join Date: May 2003 Location: Langley, VA Casino cash: $-370000	My team is pretty bad, to be sure, we play in the lowest league but it's a good time. Anyway, this is the complete fat guy, truck driver, dubtee beer league. So a couple weeks ago we're playing a team of older guys (late 30s probably) and our catcher notices they are using an illegal bat. He pointed it out and of course they were ready to run us over with their camaros after that. I mean, how empty is your life if you have to drop several hundred dollars on an illegal bat at the most pathetic level of softball to get a couple of wins?
Posts: 80,659

06-30-2005, 08:02 AM	#8
Old Dog Supporter Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: North Central Kansas Casino cash: $2490201	If you've ever hit a titanium bat you'll know that they don't offer a "little" extra power. They easily add 60 feet to the normal swing. They're illegal in every sanctioning body though, too dangerous.
Posts: 10,769

06-30-2005, 09:11 AM	#10
Brock Say hello to my little friend Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Larryville Casino cash: $9598422	I've never really understood why super-competitive types don't just play baseball. Why slow-pitch softball? Weird.
Posts: 47,314

06-30-2005, 09:26 AM	#12
ChiefsCountry The Insider Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Lake of the Ozarks Casino cash: $-1541248	That is very true article.
Posts: 52,105

06-30-2005, 09:30 AM	#13
Goapics1 Ghetto Superstar Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Midwest Casino cash: $10004900	This you Phil?
Posts: 4,756

06-30-2005, 09:30 AM	#15
tyton75 Veteran Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: KC North Casino cash: $3748386	This cracks me UP.. I play occasionally in a Softball league with a friend of mine who is quickly becoming "that" guy... never played baseball, but has the whole outfit.. the baseball pants, shoes, his own softball bats, baseball bag.. the whole 9... and he is in 3 leagues.. I just don't get it.. its fun hanging out with friends and doing something.. but thats about it
Posts: 3,331