I'm cohabitating... would appreciate any advice.

[Silock]

Originally Posted by Fat Elvis

at least in marriage, you have the (supposedly) stated committment to each other

It's not just supposed. Studies have shown that people in cohabitating relationships are much less committed to the relationship, on average, than married people. It's why they're less likely to stick it out when things get tough and break up, and why they're more likely to cheat.

[stlchiefs]

Originally Posted by Silock

It's not just supposed. Studies have shown that people in cohabitating relationships are much less committed to the relationship, on average, than married people. It's why they're less likely to stick it out when things get tough and break up, and why they're more likely to cheat.

Exactly. There's nothing holding the two together, no formal commitment. It's very easy to p.u. your stuff and walk out.

If you do go through with it, nothing but the best of luck to you, but I hope you can see that it may not be in the best interest of your relationship.

[Adept Havelock]

Originally Posted by stlchiefs

Exactly. There's nothing holding the two together, no formal commitment. It's very easy to p.u. your stuff and walk out.

If you do go through with it, nothing but the best of luck to you, but I hope you can see that it may not be in the best interest of your relationship.

I disagree with this in the extreme. Maybe we're an exception, but we've never needed the state or church to validate or strengthen our commitment. Love, Time, Effort, and Mutual Respect have done that. Without those, no piece of paper is going to mean anything at all.

If you consider that "nothing holding us together"......each to their own.

IMO, that piece of paper has absolutely no intrinsic value whatsoever, nor does it add much. All it does is place some legal obstacles if you decide to break up. If you need those as incentive to stay together in the rough times...as I said, each to their own.

[stlchiefs]

Originally Posted by Adept Havelock

I disagree with this in the extreme. Maybe we're an exception, but we've never needed the state or church to validate or strengthen our commitment. Love, Time, Effort, and Mutual Respect have done that. Without those, no piece of paper is going to mean anything at all.

If you consider that "nothing holding us together"......each to their own.

IMO, that piece of paper has absolutely no intrinsic value whatsoever, nor does it add much. All it does is place some legal obstacles if you decide to break up. If you need those as incentive to stay together in the rough times...as I said, each to their own.

First, congrats to you on your successful relationship.

Second, I'm not saying a piece of paper or some authority is what keeps a relationship together, but as Silock pointed out studies have shown that statistically without the formal commitment this setup is not usually the best long term option. Again, as you said love and respect is what it comes down to in the end.

[Adept Havelock]

Originally Posted by stlchiefs

First, congrats to you on your successful relationship.

Second, I'm not saying a piece of paper or some authority is what keeps a relationship together, but as Silock pointed out studies have shown that statistically without the formal commitment this setup is not usually the best long term option. Again, as you said love and respect is what it comes down to in the end.

Thanks. I'm certainly not saying it's for everyone, but it works for us. One of the first things we decided was we didn't need the state or a church to validate our relationship or decision. I realize not everyone can approach it in that manner, for whatever reason. I'll also say that if we had reproduced, we may have started looking at it differently.

[Silock]

Originally Posted by Adept Havelock

IMO, that piece of paper has absolutely no intrinsic value whatsoever, nor does it add much. All it does is place some legal obstacles if you decide to break up. If you need those as incentive to stay together in the rough times...as I said, each to their own.

I agree with that.

The fact that cohabitating relationships tend to fail is because of the different nature of the relationship. Each person feels more independent and they develop communication strategies based around that. It tends to be more of a "Is this person good enough for me?" approach than it is a "Am I good enough for this person, or what can I do to be a better partner for them?"

I would seriously advise working on communication. Cohabitating couples don't communicate very well because they're used to the independence aspect of the relationship.

I have a whole Powerpoint presentation complete with research studies and notes if you're REALLY interested in how to give your cohabitating relationship the best possible chance to succeed.

[Adept Havelock]

Originally Posted by Silock

I have a whole Powerpoint presentation complete with research studies and notes if you're REALLY interested in how to give your cohabitating relationship the best possible chance to succeed.

I appreciate the offer, but we after this many years through good times and bad, I think we're OK.

Agreed, communication is absolutely a key.

[Silock]

Originally Posted by Adept Havelock

I appreciate the offer, but we after this many years through good times and bad, I think we're OK.

Agreed, communication is absolutely a key.

Sorry, that was for Direckshun

[Adept Havelock]

Originally Posted by Silock

Sorry, that was for Direckshun

No apologies necessary. Either way, it's kind of you to offer it. It's not an easy road, but no relationship worth having ever is.

[Radar Chief]

Originally Posted by Silock

It's not just supposed. Studies have shown that people in cohabitating relationships are much less committed to the relationship, on average, than married people. It's why they're less likely to stick it out when things get tough and break up, and why they're more likely to cheat.

Wow, guess Mrs. Radar and I are the exception then.
We lived together for almost 2 years before I popped the question and will have been married for 10 years in December.

[Silock]

Originally Posted by Radar Chief

Wow, guess Mrs. Radar and I are the exception then.
We lived together for almost 2 years before I popped the question and will have been married for 10 years in December.

Definitely the exception Congrats