Should I confront my fiance over text messages I found?

[Jim Jones]

I guarantee this thread isn't going to be about what the thread title might have led you to think it's about. Sorry about that...

Anyway -- was reading text messages on my fiance's cell phone (Yes, I do that, I'm a privacy invader...but past relationships have led me to be a little paranoid).

I read texts between her and her sister and mom, basically trashing my family, which is who we're spending Christmas Eve with. It wasn't just like your usual, "not really looking forward to going to the in-laws", but it was actually pretty vicious stuff. She was trashing my mom's cooking, basically saying she doesn't like my mom at all (my family has been AMAZING to her)..complaining that all we do is "sit around and talk with a sports game on the TV), trashing my parents house, my sister and her "annoying kid". It was really nasty stuff and a side of her I haven't really seen before.

Question is -- do I confront her? This is all that's gonna be on my mind tomorrow, but confronting her means I have to admit to reading her text messages. I don't know how I can move forward knowing she's been talking all this shit about my family though.

[Hootie]

I guess the reason I'm participating in this thread is...

I'm pretty disappointed my last girlfriend and I didn't work out. There were a lot of factors that worked against us and we still remain close friends. It's tough since we broke up so close to the holidays.

I just know I'd be kicking myself and beating myself up constantly if the reason our relationship ended was because I was a complete dumbass and read her text messages. Perhaps your fiance is like a typical women and likes to dramatize things just, you know, to be dramatic?

My sister is happily married with two beautiful young boys who I got to spend the day with...happy as could be. Great husband...his family, mom in particular...basically a bat shit insane lunatic. She gets very annoyed by her and her sister-in-law who is very self-centered. This is something everyone already knows but she plays the part. Does she talk to my mom about it sometimes? Vent about it a little? Sure. That's what you do with in-laws.

Meh. Whatever. I think the OP needs to look at himself in the mirror and correct his actions before he starts a fight with someone he might care about and potentially ruin something that might really be good for him. I think violating someone's privacy is far worse than talking shit about your S.O.'s parents/family.

[KS Smitty]

Originally Posted by AustinChief

Doing it on the sly is dishonest and he is at fault there... but I don't have a real problem with him reading her texts as long as it is an established two way street. People in serious relationships shouldn't keep (current) secrets (obviously a person's past before the relationship is a different story). The problem is... he should have been clear about this from the onset and she should have been forewarned that he didn't agree with having boundaries in that regard.

BTW I disagree with those here who say he should start with an apology about it.. that's not going to help one bit. If I was in his shoes I would confront her about the problem and treat the reading of each other's texts texts as if it is not an issue and act as if she is the crazy one if she tries to make it an issue. Of course, I wouldn't be in the market to salvage things with a chick who says vicious things behind, my back about my family.

Has he been letting her read his texts? Or does he expect her to since he does hers without her knowledge? Maybe she was just venting about how different his family is from hers. I know I say things to my sis in confidence that are more of a between you and me thing that really isn't ncessarily the real truth of the matter just getting it off my chest.

2 families becoming one is not a cakewalk and it takes a lot of give and take on both sides. I really don't see her as being dishonest, maybe she wants this to work and it helps to have someone to talk to confidentially.

[Chiefshrink]

Wanna be cruel but gentle about it ? Oxymoron I know, but this will work. But it will take some skill in pulling it off but you can do it because I can tell you are hurt and pissed.

While sitting at the Xmas dinner table with everyone around, casually bring up the topic of technology and specifically phones and it's effects on society where nothing is private anymore but yet soooooooooo easy to be secretive. You then take your exact situation and carbon copy it in a story about a fake friend you have and then tell the exact same details of what this friend found on his or her significant other's phone depending on how you tell the story. You should get a lot of reaction from trust to privacy etc... which is good because it is all generic and gets the group conversation going.

But as you begin to state specifically what this friend found, you look around the table getting everyone's reaction and purposely end your look always looking at her after every detail and asking her every time you state a detail, "Honey can you believe he/she would say that about the person's family he/she is about to marry"? I am so glad you love and appreciate my family as I do yours".

Like I said, you have to be coy about this and very casual but like Frazod said early on in this thread your fiance' is a skilled liar thus she is smart enough to get the message and then you can have your talk on the way home in the car. I always instruct couples to go for drives when discussing sensitive serious topics because either party can't run away and both must maintain control because of the safety factor of driving a car therefore conversations about very serious touchy subjects usually go pretty well. I love road trips because a lot sh** gets aired out that doesn't usually get done at home because of all the distractions and excuses.

Bottom line: Whether she gets it or not during the table discussion, she won't let on that she does nor will she ever be honest with you and admit she feels the same way. Her ego is too prideful because she is a person who really thinks "her sh** don't stink" and your family's stinks to high heaven in her mind and she just tolerates them and you. You then on the way home say, "Hey you know my friend I mentioned at the dinner table? That was me.

Enjoy and make it good because this will end your relationship because her type of personality and character doesn't have the maturity to endure and work through it. Don't waste your time because you don't want a woman like this who will be condescending to your family AND to you as well for the rest of your life. My guess is you have a tendency to date women who always have the upper hand, meaning you like being led by the nose a lot emotionally. I bet you have taken a lot of emotional abuse from women in your past relationships who could take or leave you at anytime? And now you are going to actually marry one ???

Sack up and be a BIG DOG for a change and start respecting yourself and have fun doing this. AND DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR LOOKING AT HER PHONE WHATSOEVER !!! Every time she tries to divert by saying why did you look at my phone? You say, "Why didn't you tell me you felt this way about my family?

And don't back off !!

Have fun !!!

[Brock]

Originally Posted by Capt Tasty Cheeks

I think violating someone's privacy is far worse than talking shit about your S.O.'s parents/family.

It is. He should not have done that. But having done it, he found out something worth knowing, and IMO something worth moving on over. I don't care about much, but that's a deal breaker for me.

[AustinChief]

Originally Posted by Capt Tasty Cheeks

of course the last two girlfriends of mine and I have broken up because I date college seniors who always move away when the relationships get good and I'm too much of a dipshit to take a chance and move with...or as my friends put it, "Rick why do all of your girlfriends always move 3000 miles away after three months with you?" which is something I should probably look in to.

Ha, I had one move to Australia! Pretty sure that is almost as far away as you could possibly go from Texas.

[Hootie]

I've gone out of my way in the past NOT to read my girlfriends text messages. In fact, I rarely ever ask about a girl's past. I like the line in Jerry Maguire where Zellwenger says "lets not tell each other our sad stories."

[Brock]

Originally Posted by Chiefshrink

But as you begin to state specifically what this friend found, you look around the table getting everyone's reaction and purposely end your look always looking at her after every detail and asking her every time you state a detail, "Honey can you believe he/she would say that about the person's family he/she is about to marry"? I am so glad you love and appreciate my family as I do yours".

Mr. Subtlety.

[Hootie]

Originally Posted by AustinChief

Ha, I had one move to Australia! Pretty sure that is almost as far away as you could possibly go from Texas.

the last four girls I've dated have all been 22...and different times in my life. Once I was 23, then 24, then 25, then 27...

I think I'm done with it. The count down until graduation/move away/what now? is just not fun anymore.

The last relationship it was the elephant in the room from the day we started dating..."oh in 5 months you move 4 hours away to student teach for a whole semester!"

It just can't work anymore. I'm the creepy 27 year old who still goes to the 19-22 year old bars because I'm simply not attracted to older women. I don't know what it is. So I'm just done. No more drinking for me, which means no more girls for me either.

It's depressing.

[Chiefshrink]

Originally Posted by Brock

Mr. Subtlety.

It works !!

[AustinChief]

Originally Posted by KS Smitty

Has he been letting her read his texts? Or does he expect her to since he does hers without her knowledge? Maybe she was just venting about how different his family is from hers. I know I say things to my sis in confidence that are more of a between you and me thing that really isn't ncessarily the real truth of the matter just getting it off my chest.

2 families becoming one is not a cakewalk and it takes a lot of give and take on both sides. I really don't see her as being dishonest, maybe she wants this to work and it helps to have someone to talk to confidentially.

Exactly right. She may not really feel that way at all and actually has issues with her family and they "bond" by mutually talking shit about others. Maybe her family is feeling insecure about time spent away and she was talking shit to make them feel better. We really don't know enough... and it sounds like he may not either... well, that, or she could just be a complete two faced bitch.

[Hootie]

That's what I'm saying. She could just be pulling the typical "woman" and over-dramatizing something just to have a topic to gossip about. This is why you don't read your girlfriends text messages.

I would never date someone I didn't trust. Reading text messages that aren't yours...whether they are your mom's, your girlfriend's, your best friend's, etc...is just downright CREEPY and IRRATIONAL.

[AustinChief]

Originally Posted by Capt Tasty Cheeks

It just can't work anymore. I'm the creepy 27 year old who still goes to the 19-22 year old bars because I'm simply not attracted to older women. I don't know what it is. So I'm just done. No more drinking for me, which means no more girls for me either.

It's depressing.

Hey, I'm 38 and I tend to date in the 24-30 range.. what does that make me!

Asshole calling me creepy!

[KS Smitty]

Originally Posted by AustinChief

Exactly right. She may not really feel that way at all and actually has issues with her family and they "bond" by mutually talking shit about others. Maybe her family is feeling insecure about time spent away and she was talking shit to make them feel better. We really don't know enough... and it sounds like he may not either... well, that, or she could just be a complete two faced bitch.

Well said!

[Hootie]

Originally Posted by AustinChief

Hey, I'm 38 and I tend to date in the 24-30 range.. what does that make me!

Asshole calling me creepy!

well in Champaign, IL where you can get into campus bars at age 19...I'm lucky I pull off 23 well because when a girl finds out I'm 27 they are like "why in the **** are you here?!?!" It's actually pretty funny and I use it to my advantage.

There is a karaoke night every Wednesday that is guaranteed 'find a girl and take her home' night for me and my roommate and it was never like that when we were 22. Older, wise, richer and the bartenders who are used to getting shitty tips from 20 year olds all night love us (because we tip) so we get more attention from them and we become the life of the bar...it's fantastic.

AND I'M GIVING IT ALL UP =( I think this is the most depressed I've been in my life. I google'd "what to do in Champaign that doesn't involve drinking" this week.

At least I've confirmed to myself I have no dependency on alcohol...I don't miss drinking one bit and it has been two weeks. I just miss the social scene that comes with alcohol that you can't find anywhere else without it.

[Mosbonian]

I get...and agree that what he did was a bit wrong. But I'm still of the mind that honesty about her feelings toward his family are necessary.

Now...having read some of the more recent posts I understand we have to look at the context.

I'm in the ballpark with many others who hides none of my texts from my spouse....and she hides none from me. If she has something to say she has the fortitude to say it to me directly...not behind my back to someone else whether it is family or best friend.

And we've last this long.