I am moving to the suburbs. What do I need to know?

[Strongside]

So my wife and I are urban yuppies and have lived in some sort of urban core / downtown for over 10 years now. We have just purchased a very nice home in Lenexa, KS and are leaving our loft in the River Market for a bigger yard (or just a yard, period), more square footage, and more rare police sirens and gunshots. We are anticipating children in the next few years, which is the main reason for our move.

What do I need to know? How do I make my grass look good? What do I need to do to my wardrobe so that I fit in with all of the other dads? What is the best lawnmower? What's the best brand of pool table? What do I do when I've had too much to drink and can't drive home? What time do I need to stop being loud on my deck and go to bed? Where can I get a legit beard trim and haircut by a real barber? Where is the best place to get a latte? How do I handle my road rage during a long commute?

Thanks in advance, old white dudes.

[tooge]

I like Lewdog. Having said that, the constant "your life will end and all your cool shit will be ruined when you have kids" thing is so.....I don't know, so.....ignorant. My existance was incredible before kids. Hunting, fishing, camping, golfing, bbqing, working out, traveling, hanging with buddies, etc. Then when I had kids, my life actually started. Now I do all the same stuff I did before, but I have taught my kids how to do it with me. Hell, I hunt and fish more than I ever did, and now my son goes to the gym with me. Your life starts AFTER kids, not before. Takes a man to make a man, as they say, until then.......

[Donger]

Originally Posted by Strongside

Sat out on the deck yesterday for a while during inspections.

Listened to the leaves rustle, birds chirping, wind chimes rattling.

Not once did I hear a car horn, a couple yelling, my downstairs neighbor's dog barking, or a gun shot. Not once did a homeless guy approach me and ask for money because he lives in Liberty and his friend dropped him off and he needs bus fare to get home, but really just needs to score a pint of Wild Turkey or a spot of crack. Not once did someone puke on my sidewalk. My car was not stolen, vandalized or broken into, all of which have happened multiple times in my current apartment.

I'm gonna love this shit. **** you guys.

Good for you. I hope you continue to enjoy it.

[Bewbies]

Originally Posted by Discuss Thrower

Money. Money is better than parenthood.

Too many men believe this lie. You couldn't be more wrong here.

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by Discuss Thrower

Money. Money is better than parenthood.

I'm going to have to side with Discuss on this one. The diaper thing alone is a dealbreaker.

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by Bewbies

Until your only dining options not 30 minutes away are Chili's and Applebee's or variations thereof.

I haven't been in a Wal-Mart in probably 15+ years, either, and I think I've been to a Target "superstore" less than three times. I live in the middle of a major metro area, but I really just live in a little village that is mostly small businesses.

[ThaVirus]

Originally Posted by Bewbies

Until your only dining options not 30 minutes away are Chili's and Applebee's or variations thereof.

Maybe what I think of and the places I've lived aren't truly suburbs, but my perception is that most 'burbs tend to have small shopping plazas that crop up near them over time.

If you have to drive 30 minutes (traffic aside) to dine in at a restaurant you're probably not in the suburbs, you're in the country.

[Discuss Thrower]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

I'm going to have to side with Discuss on this one. The diaper thing alone is a dealbreaker.

At last estimate, it costs around $250,000 to raise a child from birth to legal adulthood.

That's insane.

[ThaVirus]

I've been having some legitimate baby fever lately.

It really is a shame that kids are so expensive and the best time, biologically, to have them is while you're young but finances at that time generally don't permit it.

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by ThaVirus

I've been having some legitimate baby fever lately.

It really is a shame that kids are so expensive and the best time, biologically, to have them is while you're young but finances at that time generally don't permit it.

Studies have consistently shown that parents are less happy than non-parents. Maybe get a kitten or something. Kittens are adorable when they chase string.

[Discuss Thrower]

Originally Posted by ThaVirus

I've been having some legitimate baby fever lately.

It really is a shame that kids are so expensive and the best time, biologically, to have them is while you're young but finances at that time generally don't permit it.

1) Save money.

2) Go on the healthiest diet you can manage, especially in terms of your balls and spermatozoa.

3) After a good month or so of a healthy diet, lukewarm showers and wearing loose fitting undies, empty your nuts into a sample bottle at a clinic.

4) Have your baby batter frozen.

5) Live your life for the next 5 years as you please with an extra effort toward saving money for when you're better suited financially for parenthood.

6) Settle down with a lady, make sure she's reproductively fit herself and IVF that shit with your John Wayne'd sperm which, in theory, is better suited for an ideal conception considering the age in which you froze your gametes and the health kick you went on 5-10 years prior.

[ThaVirus]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

Studies have consistently shown that parents are less happy than non-parents. Maybe get a kitten or something. Kittens are adorable when they chase string.

Maybe so. I originally would have been ok with never having children but lately I've been wanting them.

I don't think most people ever regret having children in the long run but they definitely do regret not having them. I think it's something I have to do.

[ThaVirus]

Originally Posted by Discuss Thrower

1) Save money.



2) Go on the healthiest diet you can manage, especially in terms of your balls and spermatozoa.



3) After a good month or so of a healthy diet, lukewarm showers and wearing loose fitting undies, empty your nuts into a sample bottle at a clinic.



4) Have your baby batter frozen.



5) Live your life for the next 5 years as you please with an extra effort toward saving money for when you're better suited financially for parenthood.



6) Settle down with a lady, make sure she's reproductively fit herself and IVF that shit with your John Wayne'd sperm which, in theory, is better suited for an ideal conception considering the age in which you froze your gametes and the health kick you went on 5-10 years prior.

Solid, logical plan but I'm old fashioned.

I'm emptying my nuts straight into uterus like nature intended.

[DaneMcCloud]

Originally Posted by ThaVirus

If you have to drive 30 minutes (traffic aside) to dine in at a restaurant you're probably not in the suburbs, you're in the country.

You missed his point entirely.

What he's saying is that the suburbs are filled with chain restaurants like Chili's, Olive Garden, Applebee's, et al, and to find a unique dining experience, you'd need to drive 30 minutes or more.

[Discuss Thrower]

Originally Posted by ThaVirus

Solid, logical plan but I'm old fashioned.

I'm emptying my nuts straight into uterus like nature intended.

The older you are when you go the natural route, the more you bring birth defects in to play. That's compounded by the age of the hapless woman you're inseminating.

Mitigate risk, homie.

[ThaVirus]

Originally Posted by DaneMcCloud

You missed his point entirely.

What he's saying is that the suburbs are filled with chain restaurants like Chili's, Olive Garden, Applebee's, et al, and to find a unique dining experience, you'd need to drive 30 minutes or more.

Ah, yes. I see that now.

Still not true in my experience.