NFT: The "Do Not Touch" List

[Ecto-I]

So I wrote this little ditty on my blog and I thought I'd share it with you all and see if any of you have had similar experiences or pet peeves.

The "Do Not Touch" List

I'm a fun-loving super social guy who loves giving high fives and making up new crazy handshakes with all of my friends. I am also well aware that people's hands carry more germs than almost anything else you can touch.

In general, I don't mind being exposed to moderate amounts of foreign germs. It seems logical that the more germs I am exposed to, the stronger my immune system will become as it adapts to each foreign particle introduced into my system. I hardly ever get sick, so this must be true to some extent right?

There is one exception to my germ exposure though. Anything coming from a bathroom is not welcome anywhere near me! I (as should any sensible person) have a tremendous aversion to anything emanating from the bathroom. As a result, one of my biggest pet peeves are the lazy sicko's who don't wash there hands after going to the bathroom!

DISGUSTING!

My aversion to this has resulted in my personal "Do Not Touch" list. That's right. If I am in the bathroom and catch you exiting without a wash, you are automatically flagged on my mental list. In fact, once you're on this list, it's virtually impossible to get off this list for a few reasons.

1) If you are already a friend, you're automatically dropped at least two tiers by virtue of you're laziness for hygiene.
2) You are definitely not coming over to my house with the potential of contaminating my sterile possessions.
3) I'm not coming to your place knowing that everything I'm touching has potential remnants from your Johnson.
4) I don't make a habit of going to the bathroom in herds (a la every female I know) so I don't know if your lack of awareness is a one time slip or a repeated offense.

Bottom line, you will not be getting any type of a handshake or high five from me. I know what you're thinking. "But Arun, what if Joe Dirtyhands approaches with an open hand to give me a handshake or a high five? Am I just supposed to make things awkward by blowing off his attempt to be friendly???"

Don't worry, I have a solution to this dreaded situation! This is where we get to enjoy the glorious invention known as the "Knuckle Touch!" The knuckle touch is awesome because not only are you being hip AND friendly, but you are avoiding the highly contaminated finger/palm area! When they come at you with an open hand, just counter with a closed fist and they'll automatically go in for a friendly knuckle touch.

Disaster Averted!!!

A Couple of other gross bathroom observations:

Observation 1:

Why is it that guys have absolutely NO aim in public toilets? I mean, if you go in there on a busy night, its like a war zone in there with urine all over the floor and toilet seat.

I find myself peeing with my feet in like a karate stance positioned on the only two dry spots on the floor! When finished, I carefully balance on one foot, and judo kick the handle to flush. This is tricky because you have to judo kick around the raised seat (if it is indeed raised, because if it's not, there's no way I'm touching that seat to raise it) and balance on your one foot on the ground. Slipping is not an option!!!

Observation 2:

About a month ago a friend and I stopped by my favorite Irish Pub in San Diego, The Field, for a beer. I had to go to the bathroom pretty bad, and the guys was full, so I snuck into the girls bathroom which consisted of two stalls.

It became immediately clear when I was inside pissing away that I had company in the stall next to me. I had always wondered whether girls are capable of making the violent sounds I have heard in men's bathrooms. Well she answered this question for me with a resounding (and I mean RESOUNDING) yes! Without going into the disgusting details, she was absolutely DESTROYING the poor toilet next to me.

So I'm standing there peeing away and I realize that by the sound of the stream hitting the water, its pretty obvious that a guy is in the stall next to her. So, to preserve any embarrassment for her (and me) I frantically re-aim my stream so that it banks off the porcelain right above the water line, thus disguising the telling sound of male urination.

As I'm wrapping up, I notice that she is also by the sounds of the miles of toilet paper shes pulling off the dispenser. I REALLY don't want to see whoever this is or have any type encounter, so I'm trying as hard as I can to squeeze out the last few drops and get the hell out of there.

I run out of the stall, but there's no way I'm leaving without washing my hands. As I'm washing, I hear a flush. Time is running out, and there's no time for drying! I dash for the door, and just as I'm about to open it, it flies open as two girls are entering. The first girl exclaims "WHOA!!! Isn't this the GIRLS bathroom!"

Simultaneously, I here the stall door which my noisy neighbor was in, open and she gives a incredulous, "HUH!?!?!" Without looking back, I ran the hell out of not only the bathroom, but the bar as well. There was no way I was going to risk bumping into that girl.

After the battle that was going down with her porcelain thrown, she better have washed her hands. Either way, she's still solidly on the "Do Not Touch" List.

[Spott]

Actually, it's cleaner to wash your hands before you go to the bathroom instead of doing it afterwards(assuming you go #1). Your bathroom faucet probably has more germs on it than anyone's Johnson.

[Dr. Johnny Fever]

Originally Posted by KC Fish

Most office desks carry more germs than a bathroom... it would be safer to lick the urinal than the office copier....

This is true. I recently saw results of a study that ranked the top 5 bacteria carrying public "area's." The handles on shopping carts are the most germ covered, followed by the mouse on public computers... can't remember what was third or fifth... but public restrooms where fourth.

[Frazod]

I was walking into the restroom at a restaurant one day. Obviously, I wasn't paying much attention to what I was doing. I went in the door on the right (generally, the mens room is on the right and the ladies room is on the left). Well, that's not how it's set up at the Fazoli's on Missouri Boulevard in Jefferson City.

The first thing that seemed odd was that there were no urinals; but not a problem, since I was on a "sit down" mission anyway. At some point thereafter, right in the middle of taking care of business, I noticed something else odd. I remember saying out loud, "what the fuck is that little trash can by the toilet for?"

Then it hit me.

THEN I HEARD THE DOOR OPEN.

Visions of pointing, screaming women and cops accusing me of being a fucking pervert danced in my head. But, luckily it was the wife, who had watched me walk in the wrong door. Although she did wait a few interminable seconds before announcing her identity and informing me that I was an idiot.

[Iowanian]

These are the reasons you'll never see me stick my hand into the a bag or bowl of chips or snack mix at a tailgate.....

[Smed1065]

Originally Posted by frazod

I was walking into the restroom at a restaurant one day. Obviously, I wasn't paying much attention to what I was doing. I went in the door on the right (generally, the mens room is on the right and the ladies room is on the left). Well, that's not how it's set up at the Fazoli's on Missouri Boulevard in Jefferson City.

The first thing that seemed odd was that there were no urinals; but not a problem, since I was on a "sit down" mission anyway. At some point thereafter, right in the middle of taking care of business, I noticed something else odd. I remember saying out loud, "what the fuck is that little trash can by the toilet for?"

Then it hit me.

THEN I HEARD THE DOOR OPEN.

Visions of pointing, screaming women and cops accusing me of being a fucking pervert danced in my head. But, luckily it was the wife, who had watched me walk in the wrong door. Although she did wait a few interminable seconds before announcing her identity and informing me that I was an idiot.

I hate to admit that my first visit to Arrowhead stadium was a not a good memory. I attended with my mom and dad. My dad and I went to the concession stand. While waiting in line for food, I decided I could not longer wait to use the restroom and bolted for the restroom by myself.

I ran into the closest restroom door only to find that there was only women inside (they all started laughing). It took me a second to register what I had done but I did forget about the emergency at that point and ran back out, the color of a beet.

[88TG88]

Originally Posted by Mr. Plow

Do you have a lot of problems with Dirty Penis? Maybe washing your hands isn't what you should be washing.

[Ecto-I]

When I was in that stall next to the chick, I kept thinking about "Battle Shits" from Harold and Kumar.

[Mr. Plow]

Hail storm on a pond.

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by JimNasium

When I take a leak I'm probably touching the cleanest thing in the bathroom.

[Note to self: insert colostomy bag joke here when you have the time.]