The Secret Tape - Page 2

**Rain Man** · 05-29-2007, 07:50 PM

I’ve got this friend who’s got a cousin who works with a guy who does HVAC work. You know, heating and air conditioning stuff. Ventilation too, I guess, or otherwise he would just do HAC work. The guy has a unique idiosyncrasy, in that he has an obsession with the fact that some rich guy will make him a bet someday for a Lamborghini, and he’ll win it, and then the rich guy will renege on the bet and he won’t have any proof of it and will be out a Lamborghini.

Now, you may be wondering what this has to do with the Chiefs, but it is actually relevant. You see, because he’s afraid of the whole Lamborghini thing, he always goes around with one of those little portable tape recorders, just so he can nail the rich guy to the wall when it comes time to settle the bet. And while it seems hard to believe, it turns out that the air conditioning in the Chiefs’ war room went out on Day One of the draft, and who did they call to fix it? That’s right, the guy who works with the cousin of a friend of mine and has a fear of getting gypped out of a Lamborghini.

So he shows up to fix the air conditioning, and he’s got his tape recorder on, and lo and behold, he accidentally recorded the entire Chiefs draft that first day. Via my extensive network of contacts and my willingness to have my Freon replaced at full retail price with that new stuff, I have managed to obtain a copy of this very valuable tape, and I present excerpts of it to you here today.

Let’s start with the Chiefs’ pick in Round 1. Note that the Chiefs war room consists of General Manager Carl Peterson, Bill Kuharich (who has some title that I don’t remember), Denny Thum (who has some title that I don’t remember), Head Coach Herm Edwards, and offensive coordinator Mike Solari.

[Door opens and closes]

Carl Peterson: Are we up? Are we up?

Herm Edwards: Aw geez, Carl, where have you been? Cleveland just traded up in front of us! You weren’t here when Jerry Jones called!

Carl Peterson: I was out at the concession stand negotiating for a hot dog.

Herm: You’ve been gone an hour!

Carl: Well, I’m not going to back down. I know what I can pay, and I was willing to wait until the two sides could make a deal.

Bill Kuharich: Where’s your hot dog?

Carl: Um…it’s holding out.

Bill: I knew we should’ve sent Denny with you.

Mike Solari: Dang it! Cleveland just took Brady Quinn.

Denny Thum: We’re up! We’re up!

Carl: Who’s on our draft board?

Mike: We need an offensive lineman.

Bill: We’re showing Alan Branch, Dwayne Bowe, Dwayne Jarrett, Joe Staley, and Paul Posluz – Pozlus – that one linebacker guy.

Mike: We need an offensive lineman.

Carl: Who’s rated number one?

Bill: Branch.

Denny: Who’s his agent? Because if it’s Ethan Locke, we can’t draft him.

Carl: Denny, sit the **** down and shut the **** up. I’ll draft whoever I want to draft. Is it Branch?

Herm: We could use Bowe. Bowe’s a blocker. A good blocker. Bowe’s like an offensive lineman out there.

Mike: We need an offensive lineman.

Carl: Yeah, but Branch weighs a hundred pounds more than Bowe. He’s a lot cheaper in price per pound.

Herm: I can live with Branch. But if we get Branch, we’ll probably have to cut Sims.

Carl: Who?

Herm: Sims.

Carl: Who?

Herm: Sims.

Carl: Whatever. So Branch is our pick?

Bill: I like this pick. You know the old adage. Offense sells tickets, defense wins games, and kicking wins championships.

Carl: Whoa, hold the phone! What did you just say?

Bill: You know, that old football adage.

Carl: Say it again. Slowly.

Bill: Offense … sells … tickets … defense ... wins games … and kicking … wins … championships. Don’t tell me you haven’t heard that.

Carl: Offense sells tickets? Okay, Branch is out. What offensive players are on the list?

Bill: Carl, it’s just an adage. It’s…

Mike: We need an offensive lineman.

Herm: We’ve got Bowe. Hello!

Carl: Bowe it is. Call it in.

Bill: But seriously, Carl, it’s just a saying.

Carl: Bowe! Make the call!

Denny: Who’s Bowe’s agent?

(Phone rings.)

Carl: Hello?

(Pause.)

Carl: Why yes, I do have a great tight end.

(Long pause. Phone slams on receiver.)

Carl: That was disgusting.

Herm: Trade offer?

Carl: No.

Bill: So where were we?

Carl: I mean, that was really disgusting.

Herm: I think we’re drafting Bowe. Right, Carl?

Bill: Seriously, it’s just an adage.

Carl: Make the call. Bowe.

(Phone rings.)

Carl: Hello?

(Pause.)

Carl: Why yes, I do love Damon Huard.

(Long pause. Phone slams on receiver.)

Carl: That was disgusting.

Herm: Pervert?

Carl: No. It’s the Dolphins, offering us a sixth-round pick for Trent Green.

Bill: So seriously, can we make the call now? We’re almost out of time.

Carl: I mean, that was really disgusting.

Bill: The phone, Carl! Time is running out! Don’t be a laughingstock like the Vikings.

(Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep.)

Carl: Hello, Commissioner Goodell?

(Pause.)

Carl: Do you have a great tight end?

(Pause.)

Carl: No? Well, that just kills the joke. Anyway, we’ll take Dwayne Bowe.

(Pause.)

Carl: Yeah, I think my refrigerator is running.

(Pause.)

Carl: Actually, I’m not sure if we can stop it. Our defense has had a lot of trouble stopping the run.

(Pause.)

Carl: Huh. He hung up on me.

(Sound of feet kicking up on table.)

Bill: Well, men, let’s welcome Mr. Dwayne Bowe to the Chiefs family. And now we can relax for a –

(Sound of door slamming open.)

Gunther Cunningham: Guys! Guys! I’m here! Somehow my memo had the wrong room number on it! I’ve been looking for you guys everywhere!

(Long pause.)

Carl: Oh. Yeah. Sorry about that.

Gunther: I was listening on my Sony Walkman as I was running! Branch is available! BRANCH! TAKE HIM!

Carl: Too late, Gunther. We took Dwayne Bowe.

Gunther: You what?

Carl: You know the old saying. Kicking wins championships, defense wins games, and offense sells tickets.

Gunther: You didn’t take Branch?

Mike: We need an offensive lineman.

Herm: Hello! We took Bowe.

Gunther: AAAAAAAAUUUGGH! You didn’t take Branch?!?! Branch was my tackle! He was big! He was tough! He ripped the sleeves right off his shirt at the combine! Right off! No sleeves, people!

Carl: We went with Bowe. Sorry you, uh, missed it.

Gunther: Branch even told me he was thinking about growing a beard! And you passed him up for a wide receiver?!?!? A wide receiver whose name sounds like a little cartoon animal saying ‘rainbow’!?!?! That’s not tough!

Carl: Gunther, sit the **** down and shut the **** up. Do you want me to have to fire you over the Internet? Because I’ll do it, believe me. I’ll do it.

Herm: I threw away my computer. Don’t even use it any more.

Gunther: But Branch was a top five prospect! Top five!

Carl: Eh, stop complaining. He’ll still be available in the second round.

Bill: I bet he won’t.

Herm: Me, too.

Mike: We need an offensive lineman.

Carl: Wanna bet?

(Long pause. Sound of jingling keys.)

Carl: I’ve got a bright red Lamborghini in the parking lot that says we get Branch in the second round. Anyone? Anyone? Hey, you. Yeah, you - the guy over there fixing the air conditioner. Come over here for a minute.

The tape recorder ran out of tape here, so I don’t have the rest of the first round, but perhaps someday I’ll publish the transcripts of the other rounds. They’re hard to get at the moment because no one can find the HVAC guy. But nonetheless, I think that this transcript really provides a good feel for what things are like in the wheelin’, dealin’ war room of the Kansas City Chiefs.

Hammock Parties · 05-29-2007, 09:03 PM

The guy who goosed Alicia Silverstone?

ChiefaRoo · 05-29-2007, 09:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs

The guy who goosed Alicia Silverstone?

No, the guy who liked to talk to Carl in the Day room of the Mental hospital.

**Bugeater** · 05-29-2007, 09:39 PM

We're not worthy.

Well...at least I'm not.

wutamess · 05-29-2007, 09:42 PM

(Phone rings.)

Carl: Hello?

(Pause.)

Carl: Why yes, I do have a great tight end.

(Long pause. Phone slams on receiver.)

Carl: That was disgusting.

Herm: Trade offer?

Carl: No.

**Smed1065** · 05-29-2007, 09:56 PM

Too funny (and probably true!)

05-29-2007, 11:00 PM

This would have been worth buying a magazine for....

yeti · 05-29-2007, 11:08 PM

that was absolutely capital!

**Dunit35** · 05-29-2007, 11:36 PM

ha, hilarious. Great work Rain Man.

StcChief · 05-30-2007, 07:46 AM

Rainman. Excellent as always.

crazycoffey · 05-30-2007, 08:33 AM

HA, what a fun read, and very funny Mr. Rainman, but I'm confused.

Did he get the Lamborghini from Carl?

Chief Chief · 05-30-2007, 08:51 AM

Anyone else out there got a feature-length movie script they wanna try out on us as well?

oldandslow · 05-30-2007, 09:01 AM

Mr. Rainman...

That was outstanding. I do not know if you are a writer by trade, but you should be.

Seriously, this is better than anything I have seen published concerning the Chiefs in a long time.

Reerun_KC · 05-30-2007, 09:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by oldandslow

Seriously, this is better than anything I have seen published concerning the Chiefs in a long time.

I bet there is more truth to this than we know or want to know....

Great Job Rainman...

Adept Havelock · 05-30-2007, 03:27 PM

Brilliant, Rain Man. Thanks.

**DaFace** · 05-30-2007, 03:34 PM

You suck, Rain Man.

(Just don't want you to go getting too big of a head over this.)

05-29-2007, 07:50 PM
Rain Man NFL's #1 Ermines Fan Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: My house Casino cash: $1848491 VARSITY	The Secret Tape I’ve got this friend who’s got a cousin who works with a guy who does HVAC work. You know, heating and air conditioning stuff. Ventilation too, I guess, or otherwise he would just do HAC work. The guy has a unique idiosyncrasy, in that he has an obsession with the fact that some rich guy will make him a bet someday for a Lamborghini, and he’ll win it, and then the rich guy will renege on the bet and he won’t have any proof of it and will be out a Lamborghini. Now, you may be wondering what this has to do with the Chiefs, but it is actually relevant. You see, because he’s afraid of the whole Lamborghini thing, he always goes around with one of those little portable tape recorders, just so he can nail the rich guy to the wall when it comes time to settle the bet. And while it seems hard to believe, it turns out that the air conditioning in the Chiefs’ war room went out on Day One of the draft, and who did they call to fix it? That’s right, the guy who works with the cousin of a friend of mine and has a fear of getting gypped out of a Lamborghini. So he shows up to fix the air conditioning, and he’s got his tape recorder on, and lo and behold, he accidentally recorded the entire Chiefs draft that first day. Via my extensive network of contacts and my willingness to have my Freon replaced at full retail price with that new stuff, I have managed to obtain a copy of this very valuable tape, and I present excerpts of it to you here today. Let’s start with the Chiefs’ pick in Round 1. Note that the Chiefs war room consists of General Manager Carl Peterson, Bill Kuharich (who has some title that I don’t remember), Denny Thum (who has some title that I don’t remember), Head Coach Herm Edwards, and offensive coordinator Mike Solari. [Door opens and closes] Carl Peterson: Are we up? Are we up? Herm Edwards: Aw geez, Carl, where have you been? Cleveland just traded up in front of us! You weren’t here when Jerry Jones called! Carl Peterson: I was out at the concession stand negotiating for a hot dog. Herm: You’ve been gone an hour! Carl: Well, I’m not going to back down. I know what I can pay, and I was willing to wait until the two sides could make a deal. Bill Kuharich: Where’s your hot dog? Carl: Um…it’s holding out. Bill: I knew we should’ve sent Denny with you. Mike Solari: Dang it! Cleveland just took Brady Quinn. Denny Thum: We’re up! We’re up! Carl: Who’s on our draft board? Mike: We need an offensive lineman. Bill: We’re showing Alan Branch, Dwayne Bowe, Dwayne Jarrett, Joe Staley, and Paul Posluz – Pozlus – that one linebacker guy. Mike: We need an offensive lineman. Carl: Who’s rated number one? Bill: Branch. Denny: Who’s his agent? Because if it’s Ethan Locke, we can’t draft him. Carl: Denny, sit the ** down and shut the up. I’ll draft whoever I want to draft. Is it Branch? Herm: We could use Bowe. Bowe’s a blocker. A good blocker. Bowe’s like an offensive lineman out there. Mike: We need an offensive lineman. Carl: Yeah, but Branch weighs a hundred pounds more than Bowe. He’s a lot cheaper in price per pound. Herm: I can live with Branch. But if we get Branch, we’ll probably have to cut Sims. Carl: Who? Herm: Sims. Carl: Who? Herm: Sims. Carl: Whatever. So Branch is our pick? Bill: I like this pick. You know the old adage. Offense sells tickets, defense wins games, and kicking wins championships. Carl: Whoa, hold the phone! What did you just say? Bill: You know, that old football adage. Carl: Say it again. Slowly. Bill: Offense … sells … tickets … defense ... wins games … and kicking … wins … championships. Don’t tell me you haven’t heard that. Carl: Offense sells tickets? Okay, Branch is out. What offensive players are on the list? Bill: Carl, it’s just an adage. It’s… Mike: We need an offensive lineman. Herm: We’ve got Bowe. Hello! Carl: Bowe it is. Call it in. Bill: But seriously, Carl, it’s just a saying. Carl: Bowe! Make the call! Denny: Who’s Bowe’s agent? (Phone rings.) Carl: Hello? (Pause.) Carl: Why yes, I do have a great tight end. (Long pause. Phone slams on receiver.) Carl: That was disgusting. Herm: Trade offer? Carl: No. Bill: So where were we? Carl: I mean, that was really disgusting. Herm: I think we’re drafting Bowe. Right, Carl? Bill: Seriously, it’s just an adage. Carl: Make the call. Bowe. (Phone rings.) Carl: Hello? (Pause.) Carl: Why yes, I do love Damon Huard. (Long pause. Phone slams on receiver.) Carl: That was disgusting. Herm: Pervert? Carl: No. It’s the Dolphins, offering us a sixth-round pick for Trent Green. Bill: So seriously, can we make the call now? We’re almost out of time. Carl: I mean, that was really disgusting. Bill: The phone, Carl! Time is running out! Don’t be a laughingstock like the Vikings. (Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep.) Carl: Hello, Commissioner Goodell? (Pause.) Carl: Do you have a great tight end? (Pause.) Carl: No? Well, that just kills the joke. Anyway, we’ll take Dwayne Bowe. (Pause.) Carl: Yeah, I think my refrigerator is running. (Pause.) Carl: Actually, I’m not sure if we can stop it. Our defense has had a lot of trouble stopping the run. (Pause.) Carl: Huh. He hung up on me. (Sound of feet kicking up on table.) Bill: Well, men, let’s welcome Mr. Dwayne Bowe to the Chiefs family. And now we can relax for a – (Sound of door slamming open.) Gunther Cunningham: Guys! Guys! I’m here! Somehow my memo had the wrong room number on it! I’ve been looking for you guys everywhere! (Long pause.) Carl: Oh. Yeah. Sorry about that. Gunther: I was listening on my Sony Walkman as I was running! Branch is available! BRANCH! TAKE HIM! Carl: Too late, Gunther. We took Dwayne Bowe. Gunther: You what? Carl: You know the old saying. Kicking wins championships, defense wins games, and offense sells tickets. Gunther: You didn’t take Branch? Mike: We need an offensive lineman. Herm: Hello! We took Bowe. Gunther: AAAAAAAAUUUGGH! You didn’t take Branch?!?! Branch was my tackle! He was big! He was tough! He ripped the sleeves right off his shirt at the combine! Right off! No sleeves, people! Carl: We went with Bowe. Sorry you, uh, missed it. Gunther: Branch even told me he was thinking about growing a beard! And you passed him up for a wide receiver?!?!? A wide receiver whose name sounds like a little cartoon animal saying ‘rainbow’!?!?! That’s not tough! Carl: Gunther, sit the down and shut the ** up. Do you want me to have to fire you over the Internet? Because I’ll do it, believe me. I’ll do it. Herm: I threw away my computer. Don’t even use it any more. Gunther: But Branch was a top five prospect! Top five! Carl: Eh, stop complaining. He’ll still be available in the second round. Bill: I bet he won’t. Herm: Me, too. Mike: We need an offensive lineman. Carl: Wanna bet? (Long pause. Sound of jingling keys.) Carl: I’ve got a bright red Lamborghini in the parking lot that says we get Branch in the second round. Anyone? Anyone? Hey, you. Yeah, you - the guy over there fixing the air conditioner. Come over here for a minute. The tape recorder ran out of tape here, so I don’t have the rest of the first round, but perhaps someday I’ll publish the transcripts of the other rounds. They’re hard to get at the moment because no one can find the HVAC guy. But nonetheless, I think that this transcript really provides a good feel for what things are like in the wheelin’, dealin’ war room of the Kansas City Chiefs.
Posts: 142,610

05-29-2007, 09:03 PM	#16
Hammock Parties I'll be back. Join Date: Nov 2002 Casino cash: $3240478	The guy who goosed Alicia Silverstone? __________________ Chiefs game films
Posts: 285,744

05-29-2007, 09:39 PM	#18
Bugeater The Maintenance Guy Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Renovated Bugeater Estate Casino cash: $4032680	We're not worthy. Well...at least I'm not.
Posts: 70,535

05-29-2007, 09:42 PM	#19
wutamess MVP Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Lee's Summit Casino cash: $4771637	(Phone rings.) Carl: Hello? (Pause.) Carl: Why yes, I do have a great tight end. (Long pause. Phone slams on receiver.) Carl: That was disgusting. Herm: Trade offer? Carl: No.
Posts: 8,287

05-29-2007, 09:56 PM	#20
Smed1065 Supporter Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Returning From Hell Casino cash: $6823673	Too funny (and probably true!)
Posts: 9,977

05-29-2007, 11:00 PM	#21
Phobia Guest Casino cash: $	This would have been worth buying a magazine for....
Posts: n/a

05-29-2007, 11:08 PM	#22
yeti Kansas City Chiefs Football Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Texas Casino cash: $8463278	that was absolutely capital!
Posts: 1,028

05-29-2007, 11:36 PM	#23
Dunit35 Keepin it Real Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Oklahoma Casino cash: $87045	ha, hilarious. Great work Rain Man.
Posts: 10,496

05-30-2007, 07:46 AM	#24
StcChief Playing for #1 Draft Pick Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Just West of Lambs land Casino cash: $10004900	Rainman. Excellent as always.
Posts: 25,901

05-30-2007, 08:33 AM	#25
crazycoffey .......... Join Date: Dec 2006 Casino cash: $4817901	HA, what a fun read, and very funny Mr. Rainman, but I'm confused. Did he get the Lamborghini from Carl?
Posts: 28,344

05-30-2007, 08:51 AM	#26
Chief Chief Veteran Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Kansas City MO Casino cash: $10004900	Anyone else out there got a feature-length movie script they wanna try out on us as well?
Posts: 3,072

05-30-2007, 09:01 AM	#27
oldandslow Veteran Join Date: Apr 2004 Casino cash: $4973149	Mr. Rainman... That was outstanding. I do not know if you are a writer by trade, but you should be. Seriously, this is better than anything I have seen published concerning the Chiefs in a long time.
Posts: 4,579

05-30-2007, 03:27 PM	#29
Adept Havelock Obligatory Thoughtcriminal Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Flux,awaiting an observer Casino cash: $10004900	Brilliant, Rain Man. Thanks. __________________ No matter how cynical you are, it is impossible to keep up. -Lily Tomlin I'd rather be a climbing monkey than a falling angel. -Terry Pratchett
Posts: 14,305

05-30-2007, 03:34 PM	#30
DaFace Kind of a mod Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Donkey Land Casino cash: $556899	You suck, Rain Man. (Just don't want you to go getting too big of a head over this.)
Posts: 52,311