Critique my article

[Jenson71]

Okay, I'm not as good as Dave Barry, but I'd like to be (for the college newspaper). With him in mind, I wrote this article:

[trndobrd]

Watch transitions between verb tense and using "you" instead of "I". You were there, write in the first person, it's more interesting.

[Jenson71]

Some person from Canada wrote a letter to the editor...

--------------

RE: “Miss Cleo’s influence ...”

I think Mr. Jenson had more interest in finding a story he could mock, rather than even attempt to report. Clearly he does not hold faith in divination, but it has existed since long before the birth of many of the worlds prominent religions.

Perhaps it would have been interesting, even enlightening, to read an article about the modernization of this ancient practice – whatever peoples private views on it may be.

However, what we ended up with was a page of high-school comedy draped in a one-sided preconceived opinion.

I’m sure Mr. Jenson thought he was being quite smart with his little asides and snaky comments. I just found it sad. I hope that Mr. Jenson will take the time to reflect on this experience so that he may grow from it and become a more mature writer... otherwise, I’m afraid that a career in journalism is not in his cards.

– ------ -------

Now I don't feel like doing too many more articles like that anymore.

[sedated]

I don't see shit

but my hand looks really weird

[Jenson71]

Originally Posted by sedated

I don't see shit

but my hand looks really weird

I edited it out of the thread starter. trndobrd has the basic gist of it.

[Jenson71]

bump for simplex and friends

[Simplex3]

Never mind.

[Jenson71]

Originally Posted by Simplex3

Never mind.

Never mind that letter to the editor guy?

[Simplex3]

Originally Posted by Jenson71

Some person from Canada wrote a letter to the editor...

--------------

RE: “Miss Cleo’s influence ...”

I think Mr. Jenson had more interest in finding a story he could mock, rather than even attempt to report. Clearly he does not hold faith in divination, but it has existed since long before the birth of many of the worlds prominent religions.

Perhaps it would have been interesting, even enlightening, to read an article about the modernization of this ancient practice – whatever peoples private views on it may be.

However, what we ended up with was a page of high-school comedy draped in a one-sided preconceived opinion.

I’m sure Mr. Jenson thought he was being quite smart with his little asides and snaky comments. I just found it sad. I hope that Mr. Jenson will take the time to reflect on this experience so that he may grow from it and become a more mature writer... otherwise, I’m afraid that a career in journalism is not in his cards.

That is the EXACT type of reaction I would have been looking for. Perfect.

[Simplex3]

The reason Mr. Cleo would have been interested in reading how the practices have changed is because he's a closet gypsy. He's going to be WAaaay in the minority on this one. As a journalist any piece you write is going to piss off somebody. Here you pissed off the lunatic fringe. That's ideal. This guy will read your next article and he'll keep doing it until you stop pissing him off.

[Jenson71]

Originally Posted by Simplex3

That is the EXACT type of reaction I would have been looking for. Perfect.

I was a little surprised. Especially since the guy's from Canada!

[J Diddy]

Originally Posted by Jenson71

I was a little surprised. Especially since the guy's from Canada!

were you looking for a molson blue

[Miles]

Do you have a version since trndobrd quoted it?

[Jenson71]

Originally Posted by Miles

Do you have a version since trndobrd quoted it?

http://fp.uni.edu/northia/article2.a...5776&SECTION=3

[ClevelandBronco]

Originally Posted by Jenson71

I was a little surprised. Especially since the guy's from Canada!

You'll understand the lunatic fringe in Canada better once the Penguins move to K.C.

As an Avalanche fan here in Denver, I've done more that my fair share of time on the Canucks board. A good many of those folks are nothing like us, despite what you might have assumed, given our geographic proximity and common cultural heritage.

I've come to understand that the majority of them are too far gone to care about anymore. Then again, they generally hate all things American, so they'd probably take my scorn for them as a point of pride.

All that aside, keep writing daily. Don't let a day go by without writing on a new subject. You're trying to find your voice and you'll never get there if you rely on anyone else to tell you what that voice should be.

You mentioned Dave Barry. He had to come up with something fresh (or at least readable when he was off his game) every day until he made his bones.

[Miles]

Originally Posted by Jenson71

http://fp.uni.edu/northia/article2.a...5776&SECTION=3

Congrats on having an article in the school paper. Way too late at night to say much in the way of constructive feedback, but with a cursory look your writing is very solid.