Dallas Cowboys Release Jerry Jones

[Hammock Parties]

http://www.onionsportsnetwork.com/ar...ry-jones,2815/

IRVING, TEXAS—In an attempt to cut the franchise's losses and "move forward in a positive direction," the Dallas Cowboys severed ties with controversial owner Jerry Jones Monday, ending their tumultuous 20-year relationship with the divisive figure.

According to sources within the Cowboys organization, the decision to release Jones was influenced by the lack of any playoff victories in more than 12 years, the owner's distracting sideline antics, and his selfish, "me first" attitude, which many said was having a cancerous effect on the clubhouse.

"We value Jerry's contributions to the Cowboys over the past two decades, but it has become painfully clear that we just don't share the same priorities," Cowboys public relations director Richard Dalrymple said. "This wasn't an easy choice to make, but we're confident it is a decision that can only make our team better."

"Losing to our NFC East rivals the Giants in our brand-new stadium was really the last straw," added Dalrymple, who said Jones "insisted" that the $1.2 billion facility would solve all of the team's problems. "The Cowboys need to focus on winning, and we can't do that with Jerry's incessant ego-boosting publicity stunts, or this opulent sports venue that's devoted more to himself than achieving postseason success."

Cowboys officials called Jones Sunday night to inform him he was being cut from the team, ordering the 66-year-old owner to clean out his luxury box and remove his personal belongings from the premises immediately. Jones, who was reportedly stunned to be removed from his ownership duties, issued a statement on his website thanking himself for all his hard work and years of service.

"Well, damn, looks like the 'Boys couldn't handle Double J anymore," the blog post read in part. "I'll never forget my time in the Big D, and how I single-handedly won three Super Bowls. Don't worry, Jerry Jones will land on his feet somewhere, and when he does, Dallas better watch out."

Jones' questionable conduct on and off the field almost certainly played a role in sealing the troubled owner's fate. Although some members of the Cowboys' management have reportedly contemplated Jones' termination for the past several years, sources said his recent association with known criminals as well as a perceived lack of character and poor leadership qualities provided ample reasons for his release.

Ultimately, team officials said that Jones had become an embarrassment to the storied franchise.

"Between the opportunistic condemnations of game plans, the uninformed evaluations of draftees, and the paranoid delusions that players and coordinators were scheming against him, it's no wonder the Cowboys have had enough," NFL Today commentator Boomer Esiason said. "Maybe his absence will finally give the team a chance to start living up to its full potential."

"Just watching the Cowboys practice without Jones leering at them, you can tell that morale has already greatly improved," Esiason continued. "They seem so loose and relaxed and their faces are just lighting up with smiles. This is the first time Tony Romo has had fun since he put on the Cowboys uniform."

Former Cowboys head coach and Fox Sports analyst Jimmy Johnson speculated that the team's real motivation for cutting Jones was that the aging owner, who turns 67 in October, is well past his prime and would have continued to cost the ball club too much money.

"His skills have really diminished the past few years, and he just can't make the moves that he used to," said Johnson, adding that the rest of the NFL was passing Jones by every day. "When you get older you start to slow down, and as you try to compensate, you wind up making poor decisions."

"He had to eat more than $9 million dollars of salary cap just to get rid of Terrell Owens," Johnson added. "In this economy? What was he thinking?"

Though his publicist would not say whether the former Cowboys owner was entertaining offers from any other teams, an anonymous NFL source told reporters that, immediately after Jones cleared waivers Tuesday, Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis offered him a record-setting three-year $120 million deal.

[Royal Fanatic]

Originally Posted by evolve27

This has to be a joke. Isn't he the owner of the team?

Epic fail.

[Baby Lee]

Originally Posted by Omega

http://www.onionsportsnetwork.com/ar...ry-jones,2815/

I'd love to laugh about Dallas' lack of playoff success, but they did beat Philly in 2010 WC.

[BoneKrusher]

i assume the Cowboys will have plenty of Crap Space after such a bold move.

[Iconic]

Originally Posted by Jerry "Delusional" Jones

"Well, damn, looks like the 'Boys couldn't handle Double J anymore," the blog post read in part. "I'll never forget my time in the Big D, and how I single-handedly won three Super Bowls. Don't worry, Jerry Jones will land on his feet somewhere, and when he does, Dallas better watch out."

God what a ****ing tool this man is.

[Baby Lee]

Originally Posted by Jerry "Delusional" Jones

"Well, damn, looks like the 'Boys couldn't handle Double J anymore," the blog post read in part. "I'll never forget my time in the Big D, and how I single-handedly won three Super Bowls. Don't worry, Jerry Jones will land on his feet somewhere, and when he does, Dallas better watch out."

Originally Posted by Iconic

God what a ****ing tool this man is.

[Royal Fanatic]

Originally Posted by Iconic

God what a ****ing tool this man is.

Dude. It was satire. Jones didn't really say it.

Duh.

[Deberg_1990]

The Cowboys won a playoff game a few years ago.

[Rooster]

Originally Posted by Iconic

God what a ****ing tool this man is.

Yes, he is an ass.

[ReynardMuldrake]

Originally Posted by Baby Lee

I'd love to laugh about Dallas' lack of playoff success, but they did beat Philly in 2010 WC.

The article is from 2009.

[Baby Lee]

Originally Posted by ReynardMuldrake

The article is from 2009.

Eh, maybe I should have been tipped by the '12 years' part since the last win prior to 2010 was the end of 1996. But c'mon, who'd expect a >2yo onion blurb would be posted as a new thread, particularly if you had to go to the site to see the date as it's not referenced in the thread?

[Dartgod]

Which funnier? The article, or the fools that believed it to be true?

[splatbass]

Originally Posted by Dartgod

Which funnier? The article, or the fools that believed it to be true?

I've come to the conclusion that a lot of people just don't get satire. I also spend some time on a political forum where I've seen people get all bent out of shape about something from an Onion article. I just think some people aren't wired to get satire.

[Demonpenz]

great title onion. That joke would be on my trophy case if I wrote it.

[ClevelandBronco]

Originally Posted by Baby Lee

Eh, maybe I should have been tipped by the '12 years' part since the last win prior to 2010 was the end of 1996. But c'mon, who'd expect a >2yo onion blurb would be posted as a new thread, particularly if you had to go to the site to see the date as it's not referenced in the thread?

Anyone who read the last paragraph.

[GloryDayz]

Wow....Asshole or not, he'd be a MAJOR upgrade compared to our piece of F***ING shit owner... The biggest asshole on our team is the owner, so get rid of that family, and we might make some progress as a football city. If they stick around, much like their inability to corner the silver market, they'll continue to fail at football too. Wow, this would be so cool if it were true.

Hey, you Clark lurkers, tell Clark and that whole ownership group that they suck hairy balls and I hope they sell and get replaced by some football people... They are the worst of the worst. And tell them to never come back to KC, we don't need their usless asses here!