How do you handle the death of a loved one?

[TLO]

Hey everyone.

My grandmother is quite ill, and I believe we're all at the stage where we know the time for her to be taken from this life has come. The only question that remains is for how much longer will we have her?

I've never had a close family member die before - and I'm fearful for how things will go for my family and I when she does go.

Suggestions. How you handled similar situations. All would be most beneficial.

Thank you everyone

[Mr. Laz]

You don't handle it, you just survive it.

[TLO]

I really appreciate the input, everyone.

[Demonpenz]

Originally Posted by Mr. Laz

You don't handle it, you just survive it.

this sentence is life.

[cdcox]

I remember a moment from the early 1970's when many aunts, uncles, and cousins were all at a resort at the Lake of the Ozarks at the same time. I was an early teenager. It was just so good that we were all together having a good time. Our family seemed so strong at that moment and I still remember the feeling of overwhelming optimism and belonging encapsulated in that glorious moment.

Of all the adults that were there that day, only my parents are still living. I'm here in KC visiting them now. My mom has been in a nursing home for just shy of three years with advanced stage Alzheimer's. My dad is still in great health and goes to see my mom every day for around 6 hours. A lot has happened in the many years in between. Mostly these days I see my cousins at funerals and weddings.

Just cherish every moment of your life and every person in it. Change is the nature of our existence. Appreciate the good times and during the bad times, reflect back on the good. With time your grief will fade to memories of the best moments you spent with them.

[listopencil]

Try to record as much as possible, especially her voice. You will be surprised at how quickly you lose the memory of exactly how someone's voice sounds. Don't be intrusive about it. Maybe sing her favorite songs with her to get her laughing and talking. If she is religious then use those songs. Ask a lot of questions, and listen closely to the answers. This is a point of view that you will be losing. Soak up as much wisdom as you can. Tell her that you love her every chance you get because you are running out of chances to do that. Also, this is going to hurt. A lot. Celebrate her life and do things in her honor after she passes away for as long it is meaningful to you and your family. Be ready for some people to have very odd-seeming fixations with what will seem to you to be very minute details of her life. Don't judge. Roll with it. Do what you have to do to deal with it. Therapy, alcohol, more family time, more activities in general. It's OK to laugh. It's OK to be silly. It's OK to tell hilarious stories of 'remember when' with her as the main character. Don't feel guilty for having a good day at some point afterwards. Don't let yourself feel guilty because you're still alive.

[Buehler445]

I'm bad at this. I've handled all the deaths of close ones in my life pretty well, but none of them were surprises really.

Start coping now. The longer you have to process it the better.

I'm with Iowanian. When shit gets tough, I work like a son of a bitch. I don't know why, I don't know why it helps - maybe because people leave me the **** alone and I can process it myself - which works for me. I'm not a talk it out guy.

Fraz brings up a good point. Be cool at the funeral. Everybody goes through this stuff differently. Be cool man.

If there is any money involved, just plan on not ****ing getting it. Inheritance can turn otherwise reasonable humans into raging dickholes. Be prepared for that. THAT in my experience is far worse than the loss of the loved one. If it happens, get away from it right damn now.

Biggest thing, if you need help get it. Depression is real. Some people handle shit, some people need some help.

Sorry for your impending loss.

[LiveSteam]

I don't think you really ever do. You just somehow keep on keeping on. Clay has that MNF music thread. I just tried to listen to the original version. I had to stop. It exposed that hole and void left by my Pops. It's been almost 15 years now, he's been gone. Sucks!!

[DaNewGuy]

I don't know man... I lost my dad at 16 and just lost my gma at 22. That's my only family and I'm struggling, I just send my love your way

[Coochie liquor]

Everybody grieves differently. When we lost our son to suicide it was very apparent, because every family member took it differently. Even seven years later we still do. I can still barely talk about him because I just start crying all over like the wound is still fresh. My wife and daughters can talk about him openly now, and seem to be able to hold themselves together. I guess I'll always be this way. Seems kinda unfair because most of the time I just have to blank it all out of my mind so I can continue with my life. I still miss him like crazy every day, but can't stop living life. So every time I go out I put on my happy face and try to hide the pain I harbor from the rest of the world. It's all I can do to push on.
Very sorry to hear about your grandma Smoke, enjoy the time you have with her. I'm sending some positive vibes your way my brotha!! Bless up!

[J Diddy]

Big Smoke,
I lost my grandmother this past year at the age of 93. She went from such a vibrant lady who picked up the slack after my mother died to a shell of herself after beginning to show signs of dementia in 2012 which got progressively worse. At the end she would get confused when my wife went to see her and every other time would call her my exwife's name. The last time I saw her she didn't remember who I was nor my son (they had a special bond as he was born on her 80th birthday). Point is she was in bad shape.


During that past year I changed my position from praying every day that she continue to be with me to accepting the fact that it was her time. I resolved myself to the fact that she had a wonderful at times and tragic at times life. Once I accepted that any want of her to continue on in the shape she was in was purely for my own selfish reasons and not at all what she wanted it became easier.

Don't get me wrong, it still sucked. However the pain evolved to a feeling of nostalgia stemming from a natural loss from what began as a feeling of being robbed of more time with her.

I apologize for rambling and my prayers are certainly with you, just remember death is a part of life and if you are going to go, you want to leave the tank empty. If she did, and judging by your words she did, then she did it right. The mourning is for us. The celebration is for her.

[Msmith]

Visit her as often as possible. Record your visit with her, just conversations, or reading her some stories or news. Or maybe you pray with her.

[notorious]

I don't like the recording part. That will remind you of how weak of a state she was in at the end.

I rememeber my friends and family with thoughts, conversation, and video/photos of the good times when they were strong and 100% themselves.

[WilliamTheIrish]

About a month ago, the last remaining sibling of my Dad, passed away at 90. He had one brother and 7 sisters. All of them are gone now. His entire generation gone. But at this stage of my life, I didn't find it to be an occasion for grief.

It was a beautiful celebration of her life, and to their lives as a family and even to the lives of the children of all his siblings. Those 9 children brought 60 children into this world. So every gathering was an incredible crowd.

Because I remember them all so well and to be around them as much we were when I was growing up has left an incredible mark on my life. I probably didn't realize it then, but today I do. To see the oldest child of each of those families together again in one place made me think back to days of wandering through my uncles one pump gas station/feed store/hardware store combo. To put my hand on the salt blocks and touch my finger to my tongue, to rush out to gas up a big farm truck or help (get in the way) when my uncle was changing a tire on a grain truck. To ride in that big fuel truck filling up tanks on local farms.

The stories they told. Of real Irish wakes. Of having funerals in the home of the deceased and putting him in his favorite chair and putting a drink in his hand as they raised a glass in honor of his life. Because that's how they knew him.

When it's my time, I want a gathering of people. But not to grieve. Because as you age, you realize that your life on earth is just a tiny speck of time. So raise a glass or three. Lead me to my resting place with sound of bagpipes, and celebrate the times we had together with no regrets.

That's my wish.

Not sure that helps any Lil Smoke, but death is sorta personal, so take a little from each person that's posted and maybe through that, you find your niche.

Top o the day to ya.

[El Jefe]

Originally Posted by Demonpenz

You don't know how you will feel, don't be surprised if you laugh at weird times and sad at happy times. When people die you really get to see the outside world doesn't dictate our emotions, it's the way we approach the outside world. If you look at loved ones as "they ae gone, let's say goodbye to grandma" well you are going to have a sense of loss. If you approach it like "Her physical body is not alive but her conscience or soul is still here" or something like that it makes the grief a bit bearable. If you are real scholar you could journal about it and that way when death comes to the next person you won't have fear weighing you down. Also if you want to cry shout whatever do it man. You have a right to express what you are feeling **** those pussies fronting like they are hard. You know everyone hurts at some point.

So true, society puts a connotation about men crying showing weakness, and that's bunch of garbage. Show me a man who says he has never cried over the loss of a loved one, and I will show you a liar or someone who has never had a loved one he knew die.

[Comanche]

Originally Posted by Mr. Laz

You don't handle it, you just survive it.

Woodrow F. Call in the movie Lonesome Dove: The best thing you can do with death is ride off from it