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Old 03-16-2017, 07:46 PM  
TLO TLO is offline
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How do you handle the death of a loved one?
Hey everyone.

My grandmother is quite ill, and I believe we're all at the stage where we know the time for her to be taken from this life has come. The only question that remains is for how much longer will we have her?

I've never had a close family member die before - and I'm fearful for how things will go for my family and I when she does go.

Suggestions. How you handled similar situations. All would be most beneficial.

Thank you everyone
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Old 03-17-2017, 07:43 AM   #31
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Old 03-17-2017, 08:01 AM   #32
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Big Smoke I am very sorry for you and your family. I had lost several family members prior but when my maternal grandma passed it was very very hard for me. She was basically my 2nd mom and I told her everything and she was always there for me. She lived a long life, 95, but it still didn't make it easy.

I also understand what you mean about being fearful for your family. My grandma was the glue of that side of the family. She kept everybody close and had gatherings etc and I knew that when she was gone everybody would go their separate ways and that is exactly what happened.

But just so you know, it does get easier with each passing day. My mom passed 3 years ago and my dad is getting close and then that will be it. It will be rough for awhile but does get easier with time.
This is exactly what happened when my paternal grandma died. I was only 11, but all of my holiday memories include her in the kitchen cooking. Every Christmas included my grandparents house for me, my brother, and all of our cousins on that side of the family. Now, I've seen those cousins who live in Springfield once or twice in the past 25 years (typically family funerals). Personally, I'm going to take the memories I have of my grandma and try to be that for my son.

I guess that would be my snippit to add to all of the other excellent advice offered in this thread. Take the good parts of them and apply those things to your life when possible. Kind of keeps their spirit living through you. Very sorry to hear about your impending loss.
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Old 03-17-2017, 10:02 AM   #33
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Old 03-17-2017, 10:23 AM   #34
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I'll add a few things.

1. There are signs in the dying process, but everything moves differently with everyone. Don't try to be there at the "right time", just be there as much as you can.

2. Tell her what she means to you. Tell stories. Talk about your life. Talk about anything. Even when or if she goes into a non-responsive rate, scientists tend to believe based on brain waves that people are still very much perceiving what's going on around them.

3. I don't know if this applies to you, but my faith has played a huge part in grieving and going through this. I've found great strength in God's presence and the knowledge that He's with me.

Praying for you!
I will second this.....especially #2 and #3.

I spent the last 2 weeks of my dad's life sitting with him in hospice and doing nothing but reliving all the great stuff we did together and laughing at all the bone head stuff we both did. There were nothing left unsaid to him or he to me. Because of that, when he finally passed I cried because I would miss him not because of what I didn't say or tell him.

As for grieving I don't think you ever have a time limit on it. My dad has been gone for 5 years now and I never know when sentimentality will hit. There is a song out now by the Zac Brown Band called "My Old Man"....it's been out over a month now and still every time I hear it I cry.
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Old 03-17-2017, 10:49 AM   #35
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Every death is different and dealt with in different ways. I've been to far too many... Grandparents who died of cancer when I was young, and one who was old and sick enough to understand it was time...aunts and uncles to terrible disease, babies to accidents, toddlers to leukemia, friends killed in several ways through HS and as young adults.

it's always shitty, but at least with the old timers you can at least reflect on their life and be happy they aren't suffering their sickness any longer. It's the kids that are the toughest.
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Old 03-17-2017, 11:35 AM   #36
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If there is any money involved, just plan on not ****ing getting it. Inheritance can turn otherwise reasonable humans into raging dickholes. Be prepared for that. THAT in my experience is far worse than the loss of the loved one. If it happens, get away from it right damn now.
This right here, is the truth. And good advice.

Not to muddy this thread up but I've been through this recently. It sucks. I had a feeling beforehand so as soon as it started I just went on home. Let them all fight it out. I don't need it. The things that mattered to me were already taken care of at that point.
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Old 03-17-2017, 11:52 AM   #37
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Talk. Have fun with those around. Grieve.

No one can tell you how to do those things. It will get better.

If it does not, then you need to find help.

Remember-everyone has been there.
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Old 03-17-2017, 12:07 PM   #38
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Lots of good advice here. Thankfully you have time to say some goodbyes and prepare for it. I know everyone is different, but I had a much harder time dealing with my brothers death from a car accident and my best friend from a heart attack than I did from my grandparents. Even though I was really close to them, I knew that it was coming and had a chance to spend time with each of them.
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Old 03-17-2017, 12:19 PM   #39
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Just glad I got to see the Royals win another.
My grandma was a huge Royals fan (as I was) and a Cubs fan. When you went over to her house in the summer she had the Cubs on WGN and listened to the Royals on the radio. She really would loved the last 3 years.
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Old 03-17-2017, 12:32 PM   #40
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Old 03-17-2017, 02:39 PM   #41
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As has been said, everyone's different. No idea how you process things, but for me, when my dad died unexpectedly, I had to spend a lot of time thinking about it. I really had to be honest with myself about how I felt. I can clam up a little when I'm in pain. I leaned on my girlfriend (now wife) a LOT. Sometimes I'd just bring him up like "I know this is out of nowhere and we've talked about it a lot, but I need to talk." She was great about it and never seemed to tire of hearing my feelings on the subject.

He died (my God) almost 5 years ago and I still deal with my feelings about it. I'm actually tearing up a little writing this post. I'm so sorry for your loss. Hang in there and be open with those you love about the pain if you can. I think it'll help.
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Old 03-17-2017, 02:53 PM   #42
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Many years ago, my wifes mother died. Wife's uncle was an English professor and writer. He wrote the most amazing eulogy I have ever heard. I said every one should be able to go out that way.

When my dad died a few years ago, I wrote one for him. It really helped. My sister did one for my mom. (two years apart)

If you think you can do something like that. It may help.
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Old 03-17-2017, 03:09 PM   #43
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Like quite a few have already said, cherish the remaining time you have with her. I just lost my grandmother back in January, and it was pretty tough on me as I didn't get to spend as much time with her as I wanted to. It is always tough to lose a family member. While I can't tell you how you need to grieve, just make sure that you celebrate her life, and be there for the rest of the family.
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Old 03-17-2017, 08:01 PM   #44
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Continue living is the most basic way to put it. It just takes time, sometimes longer than others. Grandpa was 89 and had cancer, had been the hospital for a couple of months prior to his passing away, I came to terms with that ok. About year and half ago 18 year old brother commited suicide, don't know if a have come to terms with that yet. It varies from person to person and the different circumstances.

Just keeping on with life is the way I do it.
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Old 03-17-2017, 08:33 PM   #45
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A lot of excellent advice in this thread. The only thing I will say to keep in mind when discussing "grieving" is that this is the soul's way of getting rid of the mental, emotional and actual physical toxins from being potentially stored up in the soul of which you do not want. And we all know those who have not grieved in a healthy way. When you feel the emotional tears come on embrace them and let them flow no matter where you are, what time it is, etc...... By resisting the emotional, mental and physical side of grieving you hold all those toxins back which negatively affects your soul which is not good and only works against you.

Real men cry .
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