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Old 01-26-2011, 11:09 AM  
Skyy God Skyy God is offline
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Why Monogamy is Ridiculous

http://bigthink.com/ideas/24738

Dan Savage: Yeah, absolutely we need to rethink love and commitment. You know 60 years ago was when we decided that men had to be monogamous too. Men were not monogamous. For all of recorded human history men had concubines and whores, and 60 years ago straight relationships began to become more egalitarian and it was less of a property transaction—a marriage had been a property transaction for most of recorded human history—and it became a union of two equals. And at that moment instead of deciding to allow women to have the same sort of freedom and leeway that men did we decided to let men have the same limitations, impose the same limitations what women had and we put monogamous sexual commitment at the heart of all relationships, all long-term commitments, all marriages and we have watched.

We should now be able to recognize the consequences of that, which are a lot of short-term relationships, a lot of divorce. Because monogamy is ridiculous and people aren’t any good at it. We’re not wired for it. We didn’t evolve to be. It’s unnatural and it places a tremendous strain on our marriages and our long-term commitments to expect them to be effortlessly monogamous. Because what we said is "If you’re in love you shouldn’t... you won’t want to have sex with anybody else and what we need to tell people is that if you’re in love you can make a monogamous commitment and you will refrain from having sex with other people, but you will still desperately want to f**k the shit out of other people." But people understand love means I don’t want to f**k other people because of these misconceptions pumped into people’s heads about romance, love and what it means. And so they meet somebody else that they’re attracted to and they’re attracted to this other person. They go "Well, I must not be in love with my partner anymore otherwise I wouldn’t be attracted to this person." Or they feel threatened when their partners are attracted to other people because it makes them feel insecure and we just need to get passed that and we talk about monogamy the way we talk about virginity, that you’re monogamous until you f**k somebody else and they’re you’re not. You’ve ruined it. You popped your monogamy hymen and destroyed your monogamous relationship.

We need to talk about monogamy the way we talk about sobriety, which you can be monogamous and fall off the wagon and then sober back up. You can monogamous back up and get back on the wagon. And the truth of the matter is that if you’re with somebody for 40, 50 years and they only cheated on you a few times they were good at being monogamous, not bad at being monogamous. They were good at it. So I do think there needs to be some leeway. And a lot of really good loving relationships are destroyed because somebody wants a little variety or isn’t getting a need met and feels they have to step out and it explodes the relationship. I'm conservative. I think that we should do what we can to preserve marriages and long-term relationships, and one way to do that is to encourage people to have more realistic attitudes about sexual exclusivity.
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Old 01-26-2011, 12:20 PM   #46
BucEyedPea BucEyedPea is offline
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That's all well and good, but the person you would need to sell that to is the person you're with, and good luck with that.
And I bet most people that say monogamy is outdated would probably have a change of heart the first time their wife got all dolled up and picked up at the house by some dude, and then didn't come home until 10:30 the next day.
Yeah ever see how many swinging couples survive their marriage or jealously? Uh hmmm.
I think Pittsie might be a satyr.
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Old 01-26-2011, 12:21 PM   #47
Hammock Parties Hammock Parties is offline
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Did you ever figure out how to keep it up through ejaculation?
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Old 01-26-2011, 12:28 PM   #48
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Yes.
Did you have to resort to ED medication?
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Old 01-26-2011, 12:32 PM   #49
Skyy God Skyy God is offline
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Originally Posted by BucEyedPea View Post
Yeah ever see how many swinging couples survive their marriage or jealously? Uh hmmm.
I think Pittsie might be a satyr.
True story. Ex employee of a friend and her husband are/were swingers. Their relationship fell apart because the husband was not sleeping with a woman.
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Old 01-26-2011, 12:32 PM   #50
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Old 01-26-2011, 12:34 PM   #51
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when I was in college I had a girlfriend, and she would get soooo jealous when I cheated on her. I'd be like "well if you didn't get fat, I wouldn't have to. Instead of crying, step on a treadmill with 8 on incline, because I'm not sticking around with back fat." And she'd be like "I'm not fat, I'm pregnant." and I'd be like "whatever, it's gross! now clean it out"
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Old 01-26-2011, 12:34 PM   #52
suzzer99 suzzer99 is offline
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actually, the OP is stating a fact. One of the reasons mankind has been so successful over time is that there has always been a dual role structure in the relationship. Mama sat in the cave and took care of junior, thus increasing the odds that junior would grow up and populate. Meanwhile, dad was out getting as much ass as possible. Again, increasing the odds that he was increasing not only the population as a whole, but his genetic fingerprint on it. Tha is why we have evolved so quickly, while most other species have either died out, or are very similar to what they were a million years ago. If people were completely monogamous from the get go, we would have died out long ago when the population bottleneck occured and took us down to around 5,000 individuals thousands of years ago.
So conversely we should promote monogamy now since there are already way too damn many people in the world, right?
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Old 01-26-2011, 12:36 PM   #53
Hammock Parties Hammock Parties is offline
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Did you have to resort to ED medication?
It helps. It's best use is prolonging stamina. I had a Peter North experience on that stuff. It rocks.
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Old 01-26-2011, 12:36 PM   #54
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I'm not reading through the replies, but if it's that hard for someone to be with one person, then don't freakin get married. If you dont want commitment, then dont commit, nobody is forcing you to get married.
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Old 01-26-2011, 12:37 PM   #55
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I think porn has actually saved more relationships than it's ruined. It's an opiate of sorts- satiates some of the inevitable boredom, without the subsequent drama that goes along with cheating.
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Old 01-26-2011, 12:38 PM   #56
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Old 01-26-2011, 12:39 PM   #57
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Old 01-26-2011, 12:39 PM   #58
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Just one ole' lady is headache enough for me.


Actually after more than 35yrs together I wouldn't trade her in for anyone else.
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Old 01-26-2011, 12:43 PM   #59
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Just one ole' lady is headache enough for me.


Actually after more than 35yrs together I wouldn't trade her in for anyone else.
same here especially because her credit score beats mine all to hell.
sec
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Old 01-26-2011, 12:48 PM   #60
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same here especially because her credit score beats mine all to hell.
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Lol Mine too.
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