I am moving to the suburbs. What do I need to know?

[Strongside]

So my wife and I are urban yuppies and have lived in some sort of urban core / downtown for over 10 years now. We have just purchased a very nice home in Lenexa, KS and are leaving our loft in the River Market for a bigger yard (or just a yard, period), more square footage, and more rare police sirens and gunshots. We are anticipating children in the next few years, which is the main reason for our move.

What do I need to know? How do I make my grass look good? What do I need to do to my wardrobe so that I fit in with all of the other dads? What is the best lawnmower? What's the best brand of pool table? What do I do when I've had too much to drink and can't drive home? What time do I need to stop being loud on my deck and go to bed? Where can I get a legit beard trim and haircut by a real barber? Where is the best place to get a latte? How do I handle my road rage during a long commute?

Thanks in advance, old white dudes.

[TimBone]

Do most suburbs have HOAs? I've never lived in a suburb or city.

HOAs sound terrible though.

[gblowfish]

I am an old suburban guy. I will answer your questions with great dispatch:
1) Q: How do I make my grass look good? A: Pay someone like Ryan's Lawn Care.
2) Q: What do I need to do to my wardrobe so that I fit in with all of the other dads? A: Dockers, Nikes, Old Navy.
3) Q: What is the best lawnmower? A: Push: Toro, Riding: John Deere
4) Q: What's the best brand of pool table? A: Go to Armini's and test them.
5) Q: What do I do when I've had too much to drink and can't drive home?
A: **** whoever's neighbor's wife you got faced with, make sure her husband's not coming back before you can wake up and sneak out of there.
6) Q: What time do I need to stop being loud on my deck and go to bed?
A: In Suburbia, a man is measured by the size of his deck. Off the deck by 10 weeknights, 11 weekends, bed by 11 on weeknight, 1am weekends.
7) Q: Where can I get a legit beard trim and haircut by a real barber? A: In the city. Go to a black barbershop on Troost or Prospect. They kick ass.
8) Q: Where is the best place to get a latte? A: Real men don't drink lattes. Homo. Drink it hot and black and get it from Quik Trip or a Gas Station.
9) Q: How do I handle my road rage during a long commute? A: Don't **** with people on I-435 or I-35. Good way to get shot to death. Go home, grudge **** the wife.

You're welcome.

[mr. tegu]

Originally Posted by TimBone

Do most suburbs have HOAs? I've never lived in a suburb or city.

HOAs sound terrible though.

I feel like most on the Kansas side do. Ours is very minimal in cost and actually includes trash and recycling pickup. We don't have a pool in our neighborhood though.

[Toby Waller]

Don't give out cheap Halloween candy

[Bowser]

Originally Posted by Easy 6

Wow, gotta say that as minivans go, thats a Ferrari... nice work by Chrysler

If thats their new design its gonna sell like crazy

[TimBone]

Originally Posted by mr. tegu

I feel like most on the Kansas side do. Ours is very minimal in cost and actually includes trash and recycling pickup. We don't have a pool in our neighborhood though.

I've always thought my taxes covered trash pickup. I've never paid anyone else, and it's picked up every Thursday.

I've never heard anyone say good things about an HOA. Every time I hear about them it's because someone is complaining about their rules.

I just don't know if I could live under one.

[Donger]

HOAs keep out the riff-raff.

[DaneMcCloud]

Originally Posted by TimBone

I've always thought my taxes covered trash pickup. I've never paid anyone else, and it's picked up every Thursday.

I don't know where you live but my trash services are billed every two months through the Los Angeles Department of Water & Power (LADWP).

I've never heard of a city that bills trash collection through taxes.

[TimBone]

Originally Posted by DaneMcCloud

I don't know where you live but my trash services are billed every two months through the Los Angeles Department of Water & Power (LADWP).

I've never heard of a city that bills trash collection through taxes.

Small town Louisiana, bud. We pay two separate companies for water and power. I guess it's possible that it's part of our power bill.

[DaneMcCloud]

Originally Posted by Donger

HOAs keep out the riff-raff.

[mr. tegu]

Originally Posted by TimBone

I've always thought my taxes covered trash pickup. I've never paid anyone else, and it's picked up every Thursday.

I've never heard anyone say good things about an HOA. Every time I hear about them it's because someone is complaining about their rules.

I just don't know if I could live under one.

Trash through taxes? Sounds odd. It may be lumped into something else you pay?

HOAs serve a good purpose but I have never heard anyone around here complaining about a tyrannical one in this area. I don't know that we have any rules that aren't sensible like no couches or cars in your yard.

[DaneMcCloud]

Originally Posted by TimBone

Small town Louisiana, bud. We pay two separate companies for water and power. I guess it's possible that it's part of our power bill.

I wouldn't pretend to know anything about your municipality but waste management through a city tax is probably unique.

[Iowanian]

I've always liked Donger as a poster and figured he's a solid person.

That said, I think if he wore a go pro and followed me around for a weekend, the video would probably look like one of those Sling-Shot cams where the auntie screams for 2 minutes, throws up a little and passes out only to wake up screaming again.

Relax fella..it's ok.

[gblowfish]

Originally Posted by mr. tegu

Trash through taxes? Sounds odd. It may be lumped into something else you pay?

HOAs serve a good purpose but I have never heard anyone around here complaining about a tyrannical one in this area. I don't know that we have any rules that aren't sensible like no couches or cars in your yard.

In the city of Kansas City, since you pay earnings tax (1% of your income to KCMO) the only real perk you get for that is free city trash pickup.

[underEJ]

Originally Posted by gblowfish

In the city of Kansas City, since you pay earnings tax (1% of your income to KCMO) the only real perk you get for that is free city trash pickup.

It also helps with dumping problems other cities have where people who don't pay for their trash pickup drive around and dump in other peoples cans. Theoretically it shouldn't matter to me if someone uses my extra space, but I do a great job of recycling and not creating trash. I get really pissed when I put out my can once a month with very little in it, and some asshole fills it to overflowing.

My trash also doesn't stink because of my recycling and composting, but my can stinks like anyone else's because of those dumping assholes who fill it with gross food waste and diapers. People are so disgusting.