|
|
11-19-2012, 09:20 PM | #1 | |
I'm with the banned.
Join Date: Sep 2006
Casino cash: $5658955
|
Quote:
You have kids, dude. No jail.
__________________
"Faith and reason are like two wings on which the human spirit rises to the contemplation of truth ..." – Pope Saint John Paul II |
|
Posts: 28,113
|
11-19-2012, 10:32 PM | #2 |
best in the biz
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Under Pressure
Casino cash: $1115273
|
they don't call it tough love for nothing.
|
Posts: 72,520
|
11-20-2012, 07:24 AM | #3 | ||
Mindful Taoist German
Join Date: Aug 2000
Casino cash: $7501662
|
You only have 2 options:
A) Avoid a bad situation. This is family. You decide when it's worth being around or not. B) Realize you can't change or fix this. The only good you can inject in the situation is behaving the way you believe is right/moral/justified and let the chips fall where they may. You going to jail changes nothing and only hurts your life and family and future. You'll be in a cage and he'll be there with your mother...
__________________
Quote:
Quote:
|
||
Posts: 74,858
|
11-20-2012, 11:38 AM | #4 |
MVP
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Liberty, MO
Casino cash: $2654112
|
Quick update:
So I stick to my guns. She says she understands about my principles. Then she texts me that the BF is really hurting over this. I tell her that I don't intend to "hurt" him, but that his actions have consequences and time, therapy, and not apologies are what it will take with me. Today she basically tells me to **** off and she and the BF need time and not to call her for "a while". Wow. Sad. |
Posts: 16,009
|
11-20-2012, 12:28 PM | #5 | |
Guest
Casino cash: $
|
Quote:
|
|
Posts: n/a
|
11-20-2012, 12:29 PM | #6 | |
CHANGEd your mind yet????
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Lunatics Anonymous
Casino cash: $10005234
|
Quote:
Unfortunately what she has been able to accomplish with your good intentions (remember the road to hell is paved with them) and involvement is transference. From him being the bad guy to you being one. The one who will ruin her holiday. The one who doesn't understand or appreciate her. The one who hurts her due his actions and words... All of this plays right into the hands of the abuser boyfriend. He likely thrives and survives on divide and conquer.
__________________
Meet the new boss same as the old boss. BigChiefDave:"Anyone who thought we would only be in Iraq for a few years is either stoned or just stoopid." "It is unknowable how long that conflict will last. It could last 6 days, 6 wks. I doubt 6 mths." Rummy 2/7/03 Last edited by memyselfI; 11-20-2012 at 12:41 PM.. |
|
Posts: 32,000
|
11-20-2012, 01:33 PM | #7 | |
Supporter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Scott City KS
Casino cash: $844734
|
Quote:
I'd be inclided to take Phil's advice and go ahead and continue your relationship. Mad props for sticking to your guns. |
|
Posts: 57,682
|
11-21-2012, 08:19 AM | #8 | |
Replaced by a future HOFer !!
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: donkey land
Casino cash: $6637901
|
Quote:
What I underlined in your quote is actually you being co-dependent to your mom and her attempt to manipulate your feelings using guilt. I realize you are new to all of this boundary setting and still learning to recognize the co-dependent emotional manipulation still attempted by the unrepentant enabler to the addict. But you will get much better at it as you keep setting your boundaries(sticking with your guns, as you say). You really don't give a shit about her BF's feelings nor should you. The only reason you said that was that old habit of her manipulating your feelings of feeling responsible for her feelings kicked in again. But you will get better at recognizing the manipulative games she plays. You see the 'enabler' is the alcoholic without the alcohol if that makes sense. Her addiction is to feel responsible for her dysfunctional drunk and get you to always feel responsible for her happiness(feelings) so she can continue the addiction that tears apart your family. The sick part of co-dependency is that if her BF truly got healthy taking responsibility for himself and his own feelings and respecting boundaries of others and setting his own boundaries and she still stayed the same she would move on from him and find another drunk to satisfy her addiction of taking care of and feeling responsible for that new drunk. Don't give in too soon either, because this is another game addicts play when the pain of reality starts to set in as the boundaries do their work(addict is no longer getting other people to clean up their messes-alone in their mud puddle of life). It usually takes a long time for true admittance of a problem and true remorse to take place. Hang in there brother and keep loving your kids and wife as you are doing. You are absolutely doing the right thing ! |
|
Posts: 27,062
|
11-21-2012, 09:15 AM | #9 | |
FINALLY! The wait is over.
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: The Future Is Now!!!
Casino cash: $19947565
|
Quote:
And on a side note, I'd like to give props to Chiefshrink. That was great stuff. I've said my fair share of nasty things to you in DC, and questioned whether or not you were a real psychologist, but no doubt you are. Fantastic analysis. |
|
Posts: 56,649
|
11-20-2012, 02:02 PM | #11 |
MVP
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Liberty, MO
Casino cash: $2654112
|
yeah, I generally regard Phil's advice as very well thought out and sound. I am going to follow it. I will call her regularly every week or two, and I'll keep the conversation very clear of the BF. In fact it'll be very trivial talk about the kids and such. Thanks to all of you for your input. Hollidays shouldn't have to be ruined by things like this, but such is life. I'm looking at this as just another lesson life gives me that will help me to do something better next time a difficult situation arises. Happy Thanksgiving all.
Tooge, the bummed out |
Posts: 16,009
|
11-20-2012, 02:17 PM | #12 | |||
Mindful Taoist German
Join Date: Aug 2000
Casino cash: $7501662
|
Quote:
__________________
Quote:
Quote:
|
|||
Posts: 74,858
|
11-20-2012, 03:08 PM | #13 | |
CHANGEd your mind yet????
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Lunatics Anonymous
Casino cash: $10005234
|
Quote:
Tooge, in all honesty, I think you are focusing too much on the symbolism and tradition of the holiday at the expense of the big picture. Thanksgiving is one day on the calendar. Your mother's issues transcend that day. She is dealing with some deep shit right now. Your challenge is to develop a healthy boundary of concerned son vs. willing participant/figurative punching bag. Lastly, get over the image of the perfect holiday. It does not happen except on the Hallmark Channel and in marketing campaigns. Holidays are generally a stressful time for fully functional families. It can be sheer hell for dysfunctional or addicted/codependent families. Lots of drama and ignored dynamics come to play in a big way at a time when we are lead to THINK everyone else is having a great time with their families. Sounds like the BF probably has had this very scenario played out in his midst before. It likely is not the first Thanksgiving he's ruined. Rather, your families first. So do yourself a favor and adjust that image of what a successful, happy, and healthy Thanksgiving 'should be.' With that said, toxic people are not required to be around you or your children no matter what their blood type or relation to you is or what the date on the calendar says.
__________________
Meet the new boss same as the old boss. BigChiefDave:"Anyone who thought we would only be in Iraq for a few years is either stoned or just stoopid." "It is unknowable how long that conflict will last. It could last 6 days, 6 wks. I doubt 6 mths." Rummy 2/7/03 |
|
Posts: 32,000
|
11-20-2012, 03:51 PM | #14 |
'Tis my eye!
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Chiefsplanet
Casino cash: $10239900
|
|
Posts: 100,035
|
11-20-2012, 04:54 PM | #15 |
Guest
Casino cash: $
|
I don't think I've ever agreed with Denise almost universally in a thread in the *gasp* 15-20 years I've known her. When did she get smart?
|
Posts: n/a
|
|
|