Deadspin: Why the Chiefs suck

[Sorter]

Originally Posted by Discuss Thrower

Yeah... I glanced at that and now I'm for sure not going to write for them. No way in hell am I good enough.

According to that article, Rodney Hudson came on strong at the end of last year.


WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[mdchiefsfan]

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...ers-1165681778

Your team: Oakland Raiders

Your 2012 record: 4-12. I bet the people at NFL Films seriously considered doing the season highlights video using sock puppets just to spice things up. They know a lemon when they see it. In the past 10 years, the Raiders have lost 11 or more games eight times. The Tom Cable/Hue Jackson Years represent the apex of your past decade. Having fans who dress up like a third-tier ECW tag team does nothing to mask this team’s suck.

By the way, that was the team’s first full season under new management. I keep waiting for Mark Davis to pull his scalp off and reveal that his father’s brain was transplanted into his skull upon death.

Your coach: Dennis Allen. Who is he? Do we know if he’s an actual person and not simply a cardboard cutout of a stock photo placed along the sidelines in a shrewd cost-cutting maneuver? He strikes me as useless in a Pat Shurmur kind of way.

Your quarterback: (spins wheel) Oh hey, it’s millionaire Wally Pipp impersonator Matt Flynn! Flynn takes over for the departed Carson Palmer. And since the Raiders exhausted roughly five entire drafts to acquire Carson Palmer and Terrelle Pryor, Flynn’s supporting cast consists of the leftover parts of Darren McFadden plus a host of wideouts acquired from a nearby kennel.

Your one fantasy player everyone will hate: McFadden, who deserves some kind of reward for sustained non-excellence over such an extended period of time. I want all of McFadden’s decent career performances stricken from the record as a matter of principle. The day this guy logs his 250th carry of the season is the day I grow a penis out of my forehead.

Why your team sucks: If you never read Jim Trotter’s SI piece on how the Raiders fell into massive disrepair under Al Davis, prepare to be not-at-all shocked. This team didn’t even have a greenskeeper until a year ago. Afghanistan can be rebuilt quicker than this flaming shitwreck. No wonder they have such a terrible roster: GM Reggie McKenzie has had to spend the past year sweeping old toenails out of the attic. They have no quarterbacks. Their running corps is strictly a theoretical exercise. They lost their best wideout in the offseason, which is a terrifying thought because Darrius Heyward-Bey shouldn’t even be the best receiver on a ****ing Arena League team. Josh Cribbs is now the team’s best wideout, which is bad because he doesn’t even really play wideout.

So desperate are the Raiders for good personnel that they willingly spent a first round pick on a dude who is one freak hit away from vomiting up his own aorta. They signed Charles Woodson (who, given his injury history, will likely just take road games off to rest) and he immediately became, by far, the best player on the roster. At least under Al, there was some fun to be had in the Raiders’ wretchedness. They were bad AND evil, which was mildly amusing. Now they’re the Jaguars with nicer unis. I miss Al’s overhead projector.

We did this preview last year and I said that all Raiders fans were just dipshit posers. I would like to issue a correction to that: They’re for real, all right. They aren’t pretending to be violent, horrible people. They ARE violent, horrible people. In addition to leaving the team a roster devoid of talent, Al Davis also screwed over the Raiders by catering specifically to the tiny, Tea Party-with-machetes lunatic fringe of his fanbase. The Raiders have pandered to the denizens of the Black Hole pretty much at the expense of everyone else in the stadium: women, children, people who won’t mistake your mouth for a urinal, etc. Be sure to attend Knife Night this year! You get five bucks off your ticket if you bring your knife!

Under Davis, the Raiders were PROUD to play in a stadium that looks and feels like a ****ing prison, and they did virtually nothing—certainly not football-wise—to win over people who just wanted to root for a normal team and not a ****ing chapter of the Sons of Anarchy. It’ll take McKenzie years and years to undo the damage, and that’s assuming he’s even good enough to do the job. He might very well not be. He might be worthless.

Why your team doesn't suck: Maybe Pryor will unseat Flynn and become the darling of the NFL, just like Russell Wilson did. Although that’s unlikely, because you only win the CHARACTER GUYS. (I love how dumb that expression is—“He’s a real character guy. NOT A GLORY BOY.”)

The 15 worst Raiders ever:

1) JaMarcus Russell. Want to hear something terrible? Apart from Nnamdi, the best Raiders first round pick of this century was probably a kicker.

2) Todd Marinovich

3) Barrett Robbins. “Get ready for two weeks at the happiest place on earth: Tijuana!”

4) Norv Turner

5) Anthony Wayne Smith. I bet Al Davis nodded in solemn approval when Smith got tagged for murder. KILLIN’ FOLK… NOW THAT IS RAIDERS FOOTBALL.

6) Crystal Skull

7) Justin Fargas. He still might break out!

8) Darrell Russell

9) Cole Ford. Attempted to kill Siegfried and Roy, which is stupid because there’s a TIGER right there to do the job for him. Did you see his beard? That is one fine nutjob beard.

10) Billy Joe Hobert

11) Andrew Walter

12) Javon Walker

13) DeAngelo Hall

14) Larry Brown

15) Desmond Howard. You have to really make an effort to be this awful at free agency.

[mdchiefsfan]

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...ers-1155533770

Your team: San Diego Chargers

Your 2012 record: 7-9, which is actually kind of better than I remember them being. I totally thought they had gone 4-12. Either way, if you have to go 0-16 in order to purge your franchise of AJ Smith and Norv Turner for good, you do what you have to do. AJ Smith was the absolute worst.

Your coach: Mike McCoy, who could go 2-14 and blow up a church this season and still be liked by Chargers fans simply for not being Norv Turner. It's like the grace period after winning a Super Bowl. No team that fires Norv Turner has ever come to regret it. Norv was the coach of this team for six seasons, but six seasons under Norv feels like 38. You poor, poor bastards.

Anyway, McCoy comes to the Chargers after a stint in Denver in which he milked all of the Magic Jesus Powers out of Tim Tebow. He'll need to pull that trick off one more time, because his new quarterback is...

Your quarterback: Neo-Promise Keeper Philip Rivers, aka Marmalard, aka King Laserface. I watched the Chargers game last night and within three seconds of tuning in, Marmalard had already thrown a pick and was in the ref's grill with his arms outstretched in his best THE ****, BRO?! stance. I'd give anything for someone to post a Vine of Rivers getting redassed at his local Walmart clerk. It would be a thing of majesty. His temper is like clockwork. I want him to retire, join the Monday Night Football booth, and spend the entire broadcast yelling, "Well, that is just shit, right there. THAT IS A SHIT PLAY."

Rivers is now 31 years old. He has 26 children and no functional knees or shoulders. He is done. So very done. Every game this season will feature him turning the ball over three times in the first 57 minutes of play, then furiously racking up 200 yards in the final three minutes of a blowout to help get his fantasy score out of negative integers. His receiving options include a healthy stable of #4 wideouts and Antonio Gates' two club feet.

Your one fantasy player everyone will hate: Ryan Mathews, who has been thoroughly hateable every year of his professional career. He is the perpetual motion drinking bird of shitty fantasy players.

Despite the fact that the Chargers have finally hired a new head coach and GM, the team's deepest problems remain exactly the same. They play in a shit stadium. They are constantly on the verge of skipping town. They have a rapidly-aging QB who is one season away from the Carson Palmer tier of washed-up journeymen. And they have one of the NFL's many, many Tommy Boys for an owner. Dean Spanos, still operating in the shadow of his not-dead-yet father, acts with all the urgency of a temp nurse at an assisted living complex. He let Smith drive virtually everyone talented out of town, and now McCoy is left with one of the absolute worst rosters in the NFL.

Remember those early Norv years when people would stupidly pick the Chargers to make the Super Bowl because they were just so gosh darn talented on paper? No one's doing that this year. The offensive line is a train wreck. The best skill position player on the roster could very well be ****ing Danny Woodhead. OMG FACKIN' WOODHEAD HE'S GAWT A MOTAH! The secondary is a disaster. The special teams remain historically atrocious. The two most notable names on defense are Dwight Freeney—here to cash in his golden parachute—and a slow, undersized linebacker who got busted for having a fake dead girlfriend. Having a fake dead girlfriend is a poor fit for this organization, because it generally trades in real dead players. Signing with the Chargers instantly downgrades your lifespan by a solid 10 years.

By the way, San Diego has the nicest weather on Earth, and yet no one lives there. And this is because it sucks. It's the Tampa of California. Half of its population consists of Navy plebes who will accuse you of being gay within seven seconds of you walking into a local tavern. The rest of the city is populated by bodybuilders and dental hygienists. You have to work hard to make a town this lovely this uninhabitable.

Why your team doesn't suck: What if McCoy just took the Tebow offense and ran it with Woodhead as the quarterback? I would have to duct tape the windows of my home just to keep from the resulting Peter King seminal tidal wave from rushing in. FACT: "I think I love Danny Woodhead" is a real sentence you will find in SI's fantasy preview.

The nine worst Chargers ever:

1.) Ryan Leaf

2.) Terrence Kiel. O HE GON DRANK

3.) Bryan Still

4.) Mikhael Ricks. Drafted the same year as Ryan Leaf (AND Bobby Beathard traded a first rounder to get him), which could make the 1998 Chargers draft class the worst in history.

5.) Motorola Razr

6.) Billie Joe Tolliver

7.) Craig Whelihan

8.) Mossy Cade. Again, raped his aunt. Never forget.

9.) David Boston

[ptlyon]

That was awesome! And anybody with a Tony Casilas reference knows their shit.

[TEX]

Originally Posted by ptlyon

That was awesome! And anybody with a Tony Casilas reference knows their shit.

Still to this day don't understand why the Cowboys weren't fined in some capacity for that whole deal. Well - yes I do - Paul Tagliabue

[Frosty]

His receiving options include a healthy stable of #4 wideouts and Antonio Gates' two club feet.

[MahiMike]

I look forward to the second coming of Marty.

[BlackHelicopters]

Ruthless

[Frazod]

Originally Posted by theelusiveeightrop

Ruthless

Apparently Hamas Jenkins writes for Deadspin. Who knew?

[ChiliConCarnage]

I give it a solid B. Nice work to the author throwing in a Die Hard reference