Have we had this thread yet? Best movie rants?

[Direckshun]

Stop me if we have.

Was talking with a friend yesterday and ended up discussing my own personal favorite rants in movies.

The best one of all time remains Alonzo's deranged "King Kong" speech in "Training Day":

Aww, you mother****ers. Okay. Alright. I'm putting cases on all you bitches. Huh. You think you can do this shit... Jake. You think you can do this to me? You mother****ers will be playing basketball in Pelican Bay when I get finished with you. SHU program, *****. 23 hour lockdown. I'm the man up in this piece. You'll never see the light of... who the **** do you think you're ****ing with? I'm the police, I run shit around here. You just live here. Yeah, that's right, you better walk away. Go on and walk away... 'cause I'm gonna' burn this mother****er down. King Kong ain't got shit on me. That's right, that's right. Shit, I don't, ****. I'm winning anyway, I'm winning... I'm winning any mother****ing way. I can't lose. Yeah, you can shoot me, but you can't kill me.

But there's always the classic crazy-ass Wonka:

Wrong, sir! Wrong! Under section 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if - and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy - "I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained," et cetera, et cetera...”Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum," et cetera, et cetera...”Memo bis punitor delicatum!" It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole fizzy lifting drinks. You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get nothing! You lose! Good day sir!

And there's roughly 10 great rants in Fight Club:

Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.

[percysnow]

Spe3aking of Glengary Glen Ross:

Blake: That watch costs more than you car. I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? **** you! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here - close! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you one who sucks the penis? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit? You don't like it, leave.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blake: You got leads. Mitch & Murray paid good money. Get their names to sell them. You can't close the leads you're given, you can't close shit, *you are* shit, hit the bricks pal, and beat it, 'cause you are going *out*.
Shelley Levene: The leads are weak.
Blake: "The leads are weak." The ****ing leads are weak? You're weak. I've been in this business fifteen years...
Dave Moss: What's your name?
Blake: **** you. That's my name.
[Moss laughs]
Blake: You know why, mister? 'Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove an eighty thousand dollar BMW. *That's* my name.

[Fire Me Boy!]

Ferris Bueller's Day Off:

The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good non-specific symptom; I'm a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but, uh... you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor's office. That's worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school...Incredible! One of the worst performances of my career and they never doubted it for a second.

[Fire Me Boy!]

Roxanne:

Obvious: Excuse me, is that your nose, or did a bus park on your face; Meteorological: Everybody take cover, she's going to blow!; Fashionable: You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger, like Wyoming; Personal: Well, here we are, just the three of us; Punctual: All right Dellman, your nose was on time, but you were fifteen minutes late; Envious: Ooh, I wish I were you, to be able to smell your own ear; Naughty: Pardon me sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away...Sympathetic: Ooh, what happened, did your parents lose a bet with God?; Complimentary: You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on; Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides?..."), before finishing with the hostile, taunting "Dirty: Say, your name wouldn't be - Dick, would it?

[Fire Me Boy!]

Silence of the Lambs:

You're so-o ambitious, aren't you? You know what you look like to me, with your good bag and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube. A well-scrubbed, hustling rube, with a little taste. Good nutrition's given you some length of bone, but you're not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you, Agent Starling? And that accent you've tried so desperately to shed - pure West Virginia. What does your father do? Is he a coal miner? Does he stink of the lamp? You know how quickly the boys found you. All those tedious, sticky fumblings in the back seats of cars, while you could only dream of getting out. Getting anywhere, getting all the way to the F...B...I"); and then after Clarice retorts, he adds his famous line of dialogue: ("A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chi-an-ti. You fly back to school now, little Starling. Fly, fly, fly. Fly, fly, fly.

[Fire Me Boy!]

A Few Good Men:

You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know - that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives; and my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall -- you need me on that wall. We use words like "honor," "code," "loyalty." We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punch line. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you" and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand the post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to!

[Fire Me Boy!]

Pulp Fiction:

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

[Fire Me Boy!]

Pulp Fiction:

Well, there's this passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. 'The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.' I been saying that shit for years. And if you heard it, that meant your ass. I never gave much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was some cold-blooded shit to say to a mother f--ker before I popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. See, now I'm thinkin', maybe it means you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9 Millimeter here, he's the shepherd protectin' my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could mean you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. Now I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo, I'm tryin' real hard to be the shepherd.

[TinyEvel]

Well, I can't find clips or quotes, but I've always done the Nicolas Cage from Honeymoon in Vegas rants. Like when he's in the airport ticket line behind Ben Stein.

"You're not even flying today??!!

Or on the payphone, trying to get directions "Is it Pa-a-a-a? Or Pa-a-a...Isit two a's or three a's??!!"

I'm SO that guy some times.

[Direckshun]

Originally Posted by Fire Me Boy!

Soylent Green:

I love the take on Soylent Green from Futurama.

"That's Soylent Green."

"Really? Is it any good?"

"It varies from person to person."

[Fire Me Boy!]

Independence Day:

Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. Mankind - that word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the 4th of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: 'We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!" We're going to live on! We're going to survive!' Today we celebrate our Independence Day!

[Baby Lee]

Clark: Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?

[Chiefnj]

Steve Martin has two great rants in Planes, Trains & Automobiles. The first to John Candy:

You got a free cab, a free room, and someone who will listen to your boring stories. Didn't you notice on the plane when you started talking, I started reading the vomit bag? Didn't that give you some clue that this guy's not enjoying it?

Everything's not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting. You're a miracle. Your stories have none of that. They're not even amusing accidentally. Honey, meet Del Griffith. He's got some amusing anecdotes. Here's a gun so you can blow your brains out. You'll thank me for it.

I could tolerate any insurance seminar. For days, I could listen to them go on and on. They'd say, "How can you stand it?" And I'd say, "'Cause I've been with Del Griffith. I can take anything." You know what they'd say? "I know what you mean. The shower curtain ring guy."

It's like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll. There should be a string on your chest that I pull out. Except I wouldn't pull it out, you would.
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

By the way, when you're telling these little stories, here's a good idea. Have a point. It makes it more interesting for the listener.

The second was his rant to the rental car lady -

Welcome to Marathon. May I help you?
Yes.
How may I help you?
You can start by wiping that ****ing dumb-ass smile
off your rosy ****ing cheeks.
Then give me a ****ing automobile.
A ****ing Datsun,
a ****ing Toyota,
a ****ing Buick.
Four ****ing wheels and a seat.
I don't care for the way you're speaking.
I don't care for the way
your company left me in ****ing nowhere
with keys to a ****ing car that isn't ****ing there.
I didn't care to ****ing walk down a ****ing highway
and across a ****ing runway
to get back here to have you smile
at my ****ing face.
I want a ****ing car
right ****ing now.

[Demonpenz]

do you have your reciept?
Well then your ****ed!

[Fire Me Boy!]

Originally Posted by frazod

Pacino's courtroom rant at the end of And Justice For All is my favorite.

"MY CLIENT, THE HONORABLE... JUDGE... HENRY T. FLEMING.... SHOULD GO RIGHT TO fuckING JAIL, THE SONOFABITCH IS GUILTY!!!!!!"

"You're out of order! You're out of order! The whole trial is out of order! They're out of order! That man, that sick, crazy, depraved man, raped and beat that woman there, and he'd like to do it again! It's just a show! It's a show! It's "Let's Make A Deal"! "Let's Make A Deal"! Hey Frank, you wanna "Make A Deal"? I got an insane judge who likes to beat the shit out of women! Whaddya wanna gimme Frank, 3 weeks probation?"

[Fire Me Boy!]

I'm out for now... gotta get back to work.