Should I confront my fiance over text messages I found?

[Frazod]

You seem blindsided by this, so she's obviously very good at putting up a false front. Which means she's a skilled liar. If she's lying about this, what else is she lying about?

One word of advice, though. Confront her AFTER Christmas. Don't **** up the holiday for your family. Take the high road for another couple of days.

[Imon Yourside]

Originally Posted by frazod

You seem blindsided by this, so she's obviously very good at putting up a false front. Which means she's a skilled liar. If she's lying about this, what else is she lying about?

One word of advice, though. Confront her AFTER Christmas. Don't **** up the holiday for your family. Take the high road for another couple of days.

Yup, that would scare the shit outta me.

[Bowser]

Originally Posted by frazod

You seem blindsided by this, so she's obviously very good at putting up a false front. Which means she's a skilled liar. If she's lying about this, what else is she lying about?

One word of advice, though. Confront her AFTER Christmas. Don't **** up the holiday for your family. Take the high road for another couple of days.

I'll second this, especially the 'what else is she saying that you have no idea about' part.

Your fiancee' has trust issues if she can't talk to you about stuff like this. Might be a blessing that you found all of this out before you married her, maybe.

[KurtCobain]

Originally Posted by frazod

You seem blindsided by this, so she's obviously very good at putting up a false front. Which means she's a skilled liar. If she's lying about this, what else is she lying about?

dick move putting that in his head

[Frazod]

Originally Posted by Argo

dick move putting that in his head

Yeah, like it wasn't there already, idiot.

[KurtCobain]

Originally Posted by frazod

Yeah, like it wasn't there already, idiot.

Jesus it was a joke

We're all men here. We know what the **** is going on.

[Frazod]

Originally Posted by Argo

Jesus it was a joke

We're all men here. We know what the **** is going on.

Fair enough. Although you might want to try adding a smiley or something next time.

[KurtCobain]

Originally Posted by frazod

Fair enough. Although you might want to try adding a smiley or something next time.

Smilie etiquette. I need to get that figured out.

[Chiefshrink]

Wanna be cruel but gentle about it ? Oxymoron I know, but this will work. But it will take some skill in pulling it off but you can do it because I can tell you are hurt and pissed.

While sitting at the Xmas dinner table with everyone around, casually bring up the topic of technology and specifically phones and it's effects on society where nothing is private anymore but yet soooooooooo easy to be secretive. You then take your exact situation and carbon copy it in a story about a fake friend you have and then tell the exact same details of what this friend found on his or her significant other's phone depending on how you tell the story. You should get a lot of reaction from trust to privacy etc... which is good because it is all generic and gets the group conversation going.

But as you begin to state specifically what this friend found, you look around the table getting everyone's reaction and purposely end your look always looking at her after every detail and asking her every time you state a detail, "Honey can you believe he/she would say that about the person's family he/she is about to marry"? I am so glad you love and appreciate my family as I do yours".

Like I said, you have to be coy about this and very casual but like Frazod said early on in this thread your fiance' is a skilled liar thus she is smart enough to get the message and then you can have your talk on the way home in the car. I always instruct couples to go for drives when discussing sensitive serious topics because either party can't run away and both must maintain control because of the safety factor of driving a car therefore conversations about very serious touchy subjects usually go pretty well. I love road trips because a lot sh** gets aired out that doesn't usually get done at home because of all the distractions and excuses.

Bottom line: Whether she gets it or not during the table discussion, she won't let on that she does nor will she ever be honest with you and admit she feels the same way. Her ego is too prideful because she is a person who really thinks "her sh** don't stink" and your family's stinks to high heaven in her mind and she just tolerates them and you. You then on the way home say, "Hey you know my friend I mentioned at the dinner table? That was me.

Enjoy and make it good because this will end your relationship because her type of personality and character doesn't have the maturity to endure and work through it. Don't waste your time because you don't want a woman like this who will be condescending to your family AND to you as well for the rest of your life. My guess is you have a tendency to date women who always have the upper hand, meaning you like being led by the nose a lot emotionally. I bet you have taken a lot of emotional abuse from women in your past relationships who could take or leave you at anytime? And now you are going to actually marry one ???

Sack up and be a BIG DOG for a change and start respecting yourself and have fun doing this. AND DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR LOOKING AT HER PHONE WHATSOEVER !!! Every time she tries to divert by saying why did you look at my phone? You say, "Why didn't you tell me you felt this way about my family?

And don't back off !!

Have fun !!!

[Jim Jones]

Originally Posted by frazod

You seem blindsided by this, so she's obviously very good at putting up a false front. Which means she's a skilled liar. If she's lying about this, what else is she lying about?

One word of advice, though. Confront her AFTER Christmas. Don't **** up the holiday for your family. Take the high road for another couple of days.

Originally Posted by CaliforniaChief

I don't think you can just pretend you never read that and act like all's well.

Doing that will put everything else she says/does in question.

Do approach it cautiously, even with an apology for looking at her texts but just letting her know how hurt you feel. If you come off accusatory in any way, she'll get defensive and focus on you reading her texts. If you share how hurt you are in an "I feel" kind of way, you'll probably fare much better.

Just don't make any references to Jovan Belcher during the conversation.

Good shit guys. Appreciate the thoughts. I've decided I'm definitely going to confront her, but wait until after Christmas. I like the stuff about not being accusatory. My natural inclination would be to become totally accusatory and start bitching her out, but that wouldn't end well.

[Sorter]

Originally Posted by Jim Jones

Good shit guys. Appreciate the thoughts. I've decided I'm definitely going to confront her, but wait until after Christmas. I like the stuff about not being accusatory. My natural inclination would be to become totally accusatory and start bitching her out, but that wouldn't end well.

I mean, how much do you really like her?

[jspchief]

Originally Posted by Jim Jones

My natural inclination would be to become totally accusatory and start bitching her out, but that wouldn't end well.

So you invade her privacy and typically jump her shit afterwards? You sound like a prize. Sounds to me like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree that she doesn't like.

She didn't choose your family, she chose you. If you really disliked her family, do you think you might discuss it candidly with people close to you? A friend or a brother?

Honestly you sound like a douchebag that needs to work on himself before he starts looking for reasons to fight with a girl he probably doesn't deserve.

[Mr. Flopnuts]

Originally Posted by frazod

You seem blindsided by this, so she's obviously very good at putting up a false front. Which means she's a skilled liar. If she's lying about this, what else is she lying about?

One word of advice, though. Confront her AFTER Christmas. Don't **** up the holiday for your family. Take the high road for another couple of days.

This is actually an even better post from Frazod, but he is nailing it here. She's a great liar. Yuuuuuuuuuck.

[mdchiefsfan]

Originally Posted by Mr. Flopnuts

This is actually an even better post from Frazod, but he is nailing it here. She's a great liar. Yuuuuuuuuuck.

Yup that's why I would use this bit of info he's discovered to try and get a read on a tell she might have. This way you can identify if she is lying about anything else.

[Mr. Flopnuts]

Originally Posted by mdchiefsfan

Yup that's why I would use this bit of info he's discovered to try and get a read on a tell she might have. This way you can identify if she is lying about anything else.

Yeah, I'd just dump her. Red flags are up. But hey, different strokes, for different folks.

My wife and I have an open relationship. Not like that, freaks. We don't delete emails, or texts and have each others passwords to everything. I don't know if my wife checks my shit, and she doesn't know if I check hers. Because we have nothing to hide from each other.

How did that come about you ask? We've asked each other to pull something up for us at one time or another, and given each other our passwords. We have nothing to hide. And frankly, I thought that was perfectly normal. You guys are making me think it may not be. I don't care. We've been together for 10 years, without kids, so nothing is "keeping" us together. We love each other. That said, it didn't start until a couple of years into our marriage, so we'd been together for 4-5 years. I'm sure that's part of it.

As Mr. Fax said, there are times it would be much easier if we could just lie to one another, but our relationship doesn't work that way. It's called life. It's a roller coaster. Hold on tight.