need advice with family issue

[Fat Elvis]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

Let's do a scenario analysis. Others can chime in if I'm missing something.


Scenario 1. You go and he goes. You both want to be with your mother on the holiday. You both have equal access, and it shows that he can't control her access. It's a draw until she decides that he has to go.

Scenario 2. You don't go and he goes. It shows him that he can further control your mother just by showing up. He limits her interaction with you, and he wins. I don't think it'll force a long-term breakup, so there's no direct win here other than maybe a short-term win by creating Scenario 3.

Scenario 3. You go and he doesn't go. If he doesn't go at your mother's request, it may put her more at risk for abuse later, though I think it's a long-term win. However, it probably causes her some short-term resentment toward you and won't do anything to solve the long-term problem. It's a win for you, but with some damage.

Scenario 4. You don't go and he doesn't go. Your mom eats a bunch of turkey and falls asleep on the couch during the Lions game.

My MIL is an absolute bitch of epic proportions. My wife and I have nothing to do with her, and her only contact with our oldest daughter has been mediated by the courts (she has no contact with my youngest daughter). My wife's step-father's family disowned him (step father is actually a pretty good guy) when he entered into a relationship with my MIL. Disowning him only drew him closer to my MIL.

If you don't go to support your mother, you are only pushing her closer to the bastard. She will feel as though she has lost her family and will turn to the one person she feels she has a close relationship with--no matter how bad and destructive that relationship is.

Maybe you could invite her (without her significant other) and your brother's family to your place. I know it is inconvenient for you, but it is a minor inconvenience compared to the importance of your relationship with your mother.

Have you explained to her that you don't feel comfortable having your children (her grandchildren) around the guy?

[rabblerouser]

I mean, will your kids wonder why they're not going to grandma's house, or will it be no big thing??

I mean, if your kids don't notice or won't care, then **** it, don't go.

If there will be awkwardness and tension for you kids to pick up on...the **** it, don't go.

I wouldn't take my daughter to some bullcassel like that.

[Iowanian]

Short of kicking his ass for touching your mother, you're doing it right.

Your mother is being abused. You can't support that in any way.

If you go, you go alone and you have a serious discussion outside with Capt Morgan.

[Saul Good]

Stay away from bad people and keep your kids away from bad people. You can't control your mother, and if she continues to associate with this loser, she can do it without her children and grandchildren. Tell her that you will come a different time when he won't be around or that she can come visit you sometime without him.

This isn't about sending a message to either of them. It's about protecting yourself and your kids.

[Predarat]

Either don't go, or go and kill him to death.

[Cephalic Trauma]

As far as I'm concerned, what this guy has done is irreparable. Don't go. Tell your mother you are there for her, but you can't help her unless she wants it. I'm sure your mom knows what this guy is doing is very, very wrong, but she may be afraid to be alone. Sad, sad situation.

[Coogs]

I'd still have her come to your house. Then you are on your turf. He could come if he wants... I suspect he wouldn't... and if he chooses to not let her come to your house, then he looks like the bad guy that he is.


EDIT: and while it may be an inconvenience for you, you could always offer to go get her, and take her back home if necessary.

[Iowanian]

Maybe slip up the night before and make sure he's eating applesauce for Thanksgiving is an option.

I can't imagine being in your shoes and not losing my mind with rage with some new guy doing that to my mother, and talking shit about about my father. You're a stand up guy.


Maybe if she wants to talk about history, remind her that you weren't raised to tolerate that treatment and abuse of women and that she knows it's not right. I would guess she's just afraid of being alone.

[BlackHelicopters]

Support and love your Mother. Things like this tend to turn out poorly. Praying for you and your Mother.

[Mile High Mania]

In situations like this, I think it's best to use the "How would the Sons of Anarchy handle the situation", then proceed from there.

[Fire Me Boy!]

Originally Posted by Mile High Mania

In situations like this, I think it's best to use the "How would Walter White handle the situation", then proceed from there.

FYP.

I've never seen Sons of Anarchy, so I needed to make it something I'd understand.

[Omaha]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

It seems to me like he shouldn't push you out of your own family. Just go and keep your distance from him. Your mother will eventually have to be the one who makes the final call on the guy, and you can't control that.

Originally Posted by Dartgod

Are you?

I don't know what your relationship with your mom is like, but if you are really "there for her" then you should be there.

Originally Posted by C-Mac

This.

Showing respect to your mom is also respecting your principles.
Lack of self control or allowing him to get between you and your mom would not be respecting your principles.
You can always excuse yourself and just leave if an issue arises.

Originally Posted by patteeu

I like this approach best of the ones posted so far. As long as your mother wants him there, I don't know why you (tooge, not Rain Man) think it's a good thing to put her in a position of having to choose between the two of you.

It depends on your relationship with your mom. Are you prepared to just stay away from her if she get's back together with the guy? If not, the guys I've quoted above are spot on.

[Mr. Flopnuts]

Originally Posted by Old Dog

Stick to your guns

Originally Posted by Pestilence

I wouldn't go. **** that.

I wouldn't have read any further if I were you. Young, and old, both telling you the same thing. You are doing the right thing. And you can use it as a lesson for your children.

[Ace Gunner]

Always listen to your mom If you pull out on her now, she could get harmed etc. Get involved on a respectful level -- let this go her way and the minute something occurs that supports your angle, confront her with your thoughts and this way, she will be more likely to consider your lead on this. it's not easy, this thing called life and it seems most complicated between family members.

[Saul Good]

Let's look at it differently.

What would you want your children to do if you died and your wife was dating an abusive man (far enough in the future when they would be the same age that you are now)?