Critique my article

[Jenson71]

Okay, I'm not as good as Dave Barry, but I'd like to be (for the college newspaper). With him in mind, I wrote this article:

You missed a couple words - other than that it was interesting.

[Simplex3]

I don't feel like I ever got the point.

It kind of acts like it's going a few different places, but never seems to take me there. It has potential, though.

[Hammock Parties]

Who did you write this for?

[MIAdragon]

Originally Posted by Simplex3

I don't feel like I ever got the point.

It kind of acts like it's going a few different places, but never seems to take me there. It has potential, though.

I agree, give the end a little more attention and it will become a good piece.

[Demonpenz]

without reading it i think it is shitty

[Simplex3]

Originally Posted by Demonpenz

without reading it i think it is shitty

Did you hear John Goodman died?

[RJ]

Agree with Simplex. You're starting off with an interesting character and place but you need to decide where to go with it. I was still looking for a story to get started when it ended.

You write well and pick good subject matter, you should stick with it.

[Jenson71]

Thank you for the comments so far. I'm going to have to think of a better way to end it, tie it all together. I don't want to advertise the place. My initial thought is to provide a long paragraph of what Ishtar had said about psychics stuff.

Personally, I think they're all a bunch of crap, and my feelings haven't changed after going through a session. But I don't think I made a strong enough argument of that in the article, so maybe that would just come out of nowhere...

This is for the college newspaper, btw. I'm usually just a reporter, just give the straight facts with some quotes and decent commentary, but I wanted to try something more creative this time around.

[Simplex3]

Originally Posted by Jenson71

Personally, I think they're all a bunch of crap, and my feelings haven't changed after going through a session. But I don't think I made a strong enough argument of that in the article, so maybe that would just come out of nowhere...

This is one of the three places I thought you might be going and you can certainly amend the article to get that across.

[Jenson71]

Originally Posted by Simplex3

This is one of the three places I thought you might be going and you can certainly amend the article to get that across.

Okay, I can work on it with more of that angle. What were the other two places?

[Simplex3]

Originally Posted by Jenson71

Okay, I can work on it with more of that angle. What were the other two places?

It could POTENTIALLY go a million places, but the two others I started getting the feeling of were:

1. Gullible people
2. Some personal spontaneous evolution moment

[trndobrd]

Originally Posted by Jenson71

Okay, I'm not as good as Dave Barry, but I'd like to be. With him in mind, I wrote this article:

L Jenson

Bob. Not a peculiar or otherwordly name. Indeed, it is so wildly mundane that the owner of a cramped used bookstore off Main Street in Cedar Falls has taken on a second name to match his mystical side business. Instead of a snackbar with overpriced coffee, the book store serves as home to "Ishtar’s Tarot Reading".

The name "Ishtar" evokes visions of a Middle Eastern soothsayer and a horrible Hollywood catastrophe. Bob forgoes both. Instead, he wears sweatpants, a flat cap, and a long, dark scarf.

When I met Ishtar, he was sitting in his office talking about his high dental bills as he sipped coffee and smoked a cigarette.

As we chatted, he stressed to me that some tarot readers and psychics are just full of crap. I was, of course, skeptical of this claim.

Some just want your money, he explained, like the type that say, “Oh! I see something drastic in your future. You need to come back every two weeks.”

Ishtar is not one of those. He performs readings more for his own entertainment than compensation. Most importantly, he is, most definitely, not full of crap.

When he told a psychic friend in the mid 80s that only an earthquake in Iowa would convince him to pay attention to tarot readings. The Fates responded by moving the New Madrid fault line in Iowa enough to cause a small stir (two squirrels died) that very night.

My interest was more in what Ishtar could tell me about my destiny than details of the extortion racket Bob's dentist seemed to be operating. We proceeded with the reading.

The deck of cards he uses was made by the psychic friend. She even made the book that goes along with the cards, which he assured me is a rare and particularly good thing. As he cleared off the wooden table (it had to be wooden) he told me to think of a couple of questions.

“You have to be honest, and the cards have to make sense to you, in order for it to work,” he said. For instance, you can’t ask, “Will I find my long lost brother?” when you don't have a brother. Not even Miss Cleo could truthfully say “YOU LYIN’, BABY!” about that.

He handed me the cards, and told me to shuffle them as much as I would like, all the time concentrating on a question. I decided to throw him a softball. My first question was “Will I get all A’s this semester?” Ishtar put the cards in a line in front of me. Although not a trained psychic, I was required to pick out three and place them face down in front of me.

He flipped over the cards and explained their significance. The first card flipped over was the six cups, which is good. The other two cards also showed some positive elements, such as the hermit (that’s me) on one card seeking truth and the angel (also me, of course) on the other card balancing life in a smooth flow.

By all indications, I am getting a 4.0 this spring. But unfortunately, Ishtar noted that the cards don’t take your exams for you, so it was really still up to me.

My next question was a little harder. Would get at least one of the two jobs I applied for in the past week. Again, we went through the same process as before. When he flipped over the first card revealing a dark background with nine swords ramming through a bent up body, I knew it was time to print up some more copies of my resume.

The other two cards were of women. He explained this indicated a feminist side that most men rarely get to experience. I immediately made a mental note eat a raw steak and watch The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly when I got home.

Ishtar suggested that job outlook was negative because of what he called a “bitchy influence”, although I was not clear if the influence was from within or outside forces.

During our session, Ishtar described himself as a neo-pagan. He suggested that if each person lives according to one’s beliefs, then good things will turn out for them.

I believe that I still need a job, but at least I have those grades going for me. Maybe I'll know more in two weeks.

FYP

[Jenson71]

Originally Posted by trndobrd

FYP

Some good stuff.

I made some edits. They are in bold.

[Simplex3]

Better with the edits. You wrap up and solidify where you were driving to.