Neilbonics are always good for a laugh

[kc rush]

I'm sure this has been posted before, but Greg Hall is posting his Off The Couch column again and every once in a while he will pull out an oldie-but-goody. This past weekend he dusted off his Neilbonics (Neil Smith) column from December 2003.

LINK

OTC Throwback: A Classic Collection of Neilbonics
greg

This compilation of Neilbonics quotes and comments was originally written for The Platte County Landmark in December 2003. That, my friends, seems impossibly long ago. I hope you enjoy this one because it is one of my favorites.

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Neil Smith’s comments made during his appearances on Channel 5 for their pre- and postgame shows this past season resulted in a new phenomenon here in the land of OTC that I dubbed “Neilbonics.” If Neilbonics were a Broadway show, it would be sold out for the next year. That is how popular the former Chiefs’ defensive end’s verbiage was to those who frequently read this column. Here is a heaping helping of some of Neil’s more “perceptional” quotes and my comments as they originally appeared.

•“I think Dick Vermeil said it best. This team is now jilling toward each other.”
Neil Smith, who said “jilling” not “jelling”, Channel 5

GH: The funniest new show this fall isn’t on any of the networks radar screens, it’s Channel 5’s postgame show hosted by Leif Lisec and Neil Smith. Smith has his own brand of Ebonics that is hilarious. Read on for more samples of Neilbonics. You may need to read some of these twice or more to get the true flavor of Smith’s verbal massacre of logic, fact and language.

•“Actually this guy (Troy Brown) had a perceptional year today. … I think he went 10-for-10 or 12-for12. … His completion percentage was great. I love the way he was catching the ball.”
Neil Smith, on the Patriots wide receiver, Channel 5

•“You know why? I think why. This is the reason why. Because I think what New England did today, they axe-ually they just everything you could probably the reverse they tried to do all kind of trick plays.”
Neil Smith, Channel 5

GH: These are not typos. This is how the former Cornhusker speaks. There’s more…

•“We having very, very much problems right up the center of our defense. … That’s a lot of balls that he do underthrow that he shouldn’t. … McGloski (Maslowski) picked off this ball here but McGloski, please, whatever you do, don’t let an offensive lineman catch you! … This is great coming out after halftime what Dante Hall do here. For a little guy, he’s very shifty. … ”
Neil Smith, Channel 5

•“I can’t take too much of this there no more as far as them winning these close games.”
Neil Smith, after the Chiefs lost 41-38 to the Pats, Channel 5

•“I gave the (Chiefs) offense a C.”
Neil Smith, after the offense scored 38 points at the home of the Super Bowl champs, Channel 5

GH: Neil is lucky the profs at Nebraska were much easier graders.

•“There are some changes that have to be made. I think you start on the cornerback position. You actually have to start with (Eric) Warfield. I think Warfield needs to be put down before he can really realize exactly what’s happening to him.”
Neil Smith, Channel 5

GH: Does Neil want Warfield to swim with the fishes? Neilbonics is back and as hilarious as ever. Smith teamed with his perfect straight man, Leif Lisec, on Channel 5’s postgame show to give his own special Chiefs analysis that only ‘Nawlins’ Neil can give. Read on for more.

•“This guy is just tremendously. … He’s got a lot of more football left in this season.”
Neil Smith, on Priest Holmes, Channel 5

•“I’ll tell you, you cannot have Masnowski (Mike Maslowski) run with Shannon Sharpe. You just can’t do that. That’s like an offensive lineman running with a tight end. We just have to do a better job of getting those safeties to (Sharpe) and not leaving Maslowsli to run with Shannon Sharpe for 80 yards.”
Neil Smith, Channel 5

GH: This is at least the second and third pronunciation Smith has used for Maslowski this season. Last month he had him pegged as an Irishman, McGloski.

•“Here’s what I think is going to happen. The coach, Dick Vermeil, is going to overlook everything and there will be some changes here (on the defense). I think what’s going to happen is that they are going to have to putting some players and benching them.”
Neil Smith, Channel 5

GH: Nothing I do in this column is more tedious than transcribing Neilbonics verbatim…or more rewarding.

•“They always come through because they always says what they have to mean.”
Neil Smith, on veteran players like Shannon Sharpe coming through in the clutch, Channel 5

•“Trevor Pryce uses the chop move (past John Tait). … I does that when I was playing and I think he picked it up.”
Neil Smith, while watching video of Pryce blowing past Tait to sacked Green, Channel 5

•“Rod Smith actually did have a great game but what when he did come back and redeemed himself early he dropped the football.”
Neil Smith, Channel 5

GH: If your head isn’t hurting after reading that one, call Channel 5 and ask them if they have an opening for a translator.

•“The Denver defense has been outstanding against players but they haven’t played against (Priest Holmes). This guy is inceptional because he’s got so many things he can do to hurt your defense.”
Neil Smith, Channel 5

GH: Inceptional? Isn’t that what got Marty Schottenheimer in trouble?

•“Only thing he do is he go along the line of scrimmage and no one untouched him.”
Neil Smith, on the Broncos Keith Burns blocking a Chiefs punt in overtime, Channel 5

•“To give up 113 yards you know to the Denver defense but we still lost.”
Neil Smith, Channel 5

GH: What’s great about this show is that Leif Lisec never even blinks while Smith is letting these pearls fly. He pretends that Smith is not only making sense but that he’s somehow being insightful. The heck with Everybody Loves Raymond, this show is the funniest thing on CBS.

•“I don’t know if this is Mixnutchzki or perhaps Glenn Cadrez…”
Neil Smith, attempting to identify Mike Maslowski, Channel 5

GH: Chalk up pronunciation number four for Maslowski’s surname for you Neilbonics fans out there. I think Neil should just go with calling him “the little bald dude.”

•“I think this team is on track to getting to where they want to be at. They having a slight little problem, but they have to work it out within the home of that Chiefs offense. I tell you what, if they can do that then they can get it together they can go out and win it.”
Neil Smith, Channel 5

GH: Good thing Neil’s on Channel 5 and not Kietzman’s radio show or KK would ban his Neilbonics from the air because he’s too difficult to understand.

•“In Denver, they going to use (the scoreboard) to get the Broncos fired up. They going to actually pronounce the scores (of other games) and what quarter it is so they will know today (if the Raiders and Chargers win or lose).”
Neil Smith, Channel 5

GH: Yes, Neil’s back and in late-season form. Read on and feel free to pronounce your Neilbonics out loud.

•“Everything knows that you have to score pernts (points) in order to win the ball game. If the Chiefs can score 30 or more pernts, they can win this ball game.”
Neil Smith, Channel 5

•“I think (Trevor Pryce) was simply saying that we have what it takes in this room to get it done. But then if one thing lead to another, then when the media take something and run away from it, then the coaches have to step up and say, ‘You know, I did it.’”
Neil Smith, referring to Pryce’s controversial quote from earlier this week where he said the Broncos are the most talented team in the NFL, Channel 5

GH: Hey, I just type ‘em up. I don’t translate ‘em too. I don’t think even Neil knew what the hell he was trying to say here.

•“I’ve never known Mike Shanahan to leach out at a player.”
Neil Smith, when asked about Shanahan’s angry response to Price’s above comment, Channel 5

•“I think it does effect you when you there. I was there for two years and it took me about that long to get aptitude to it.”
Neil Smith, when asked if the altitude in Denver bothers the players, Channel 5

GH: I’ve been listening to Neil since his freshman year at Nebraska and I have yet to get aptitude to it.

•“I think both of these teams respectively give each other respect. And that’s why it’s become that real, real crucial of a rivalry. What Chiefs team’s gonna to show up is going to bow down to what’s going to happen today. They have to show up today and play some solid football. If not they will be right back where we was again flat if they don’t get this win.”
Neil Smith, Channel 5

GH: Can you imagine the conversations Neil and Gunther must have had back in the 90s? I’ll bet they had to both wear those United Nations headsets while somebody translated for them.

•“Clearly, no one untouched and you’re not going to out footrace Dante Hall when he’s in first gear…or second gear.”
Neil Smith, Channel 5

GH: I’m guessing Neil drives an automatic.

•“No one haven’t got around (Priest Holmes) yet to stop him.”
Neil Smith, Channel 5

•“Well, what it it did, is the Chiefs actually brought eight in the box. So they actually have more than they need. As you see, McNowski (Mike Maslowski) right here takes the inside charge and beats his guy to the snap.”
Neil Smith, Channel 5

GH: Ahhh, the Irish lad McNowski is back among us wee folk.

•“They moved the (Broncos’) stadium over from the parking lot and that’s kinda like the mystique ground is not there no more.”
Neil Smith, Channel 5

GH: I’m guessing whoever got stuck paying that moving bill is still hurting for cash.

•“They don’t care who you are. If you don’t be on the plane at a certain time when you supposed to, they will leave you on the dot. And you will have to find your way to Seattle to try to get a plane that day to beat us to get to the play on tomorrow.”
Neil Smith, trying to explain how much emphasis Marty Schottenheimer places on his players in regard to promptness, Channel 5

GH: I reread this quote three times and finally came to the conclusion that you best have your ass on that plane on time, because I believe the alternative actions he described may necessitate finding a time machine.

•“I think anytime you have a guy that’s been out for the second time he’s been out and he gets the second-string guy gets a second opportunity, I think this is his time to shine.”
Neil Smith, when asked how he thought Mike Cloud would fair in the San Diego game, Channel 5

GH: Feel free to adjust the punctuation any way you desire. It’s still Neilbonics to me.

•“I think the biggest responsibility is when you lose Tony Richardson. He’s pretty much the focus of the running game. I think that was a big, big hurt.”
Neil Smith, Channel 5

GH: A few teams have actually thought that Priest Holmes was the focus of the Chiefs running game.

•“Rob Smith does a great job of keeping both feet inbounds here after the play was resumed.”
Neil Smith, reviewing video of the Chiefs loss to Denver, Channel 5

GH: When was the play stopped?

•“Derrick Thomas has a little problem being late for the airport…”
Neil Smith, Channel 5

GH: This might be the understatement of the decade.

The day after this Off The Couch column ran on The Landmark’s website, I checked my Yahoo email account about 3 PM and found I had 38 in my inbox. 60 minutes later I had 150. I was at work and did not have time to investigate why I was suddenly being spammed. It turns out it wasn’t spam but an unexpected mass response from all across the country to my Neilbonics column.

The Sports Guy, Bill Simmons, had linked to my OTC in his ESPN.com that day. One of his readers had sent him the link. Simmons wrote in his column that it was one of the funniest things he had read and that everyone needed to follow the link and read it for themselves. Let’s just say Bill has a lot of readers who do what he asks. For weeks I continued to receive loads of emails from almost every state as the link kept appearing on websites and forums across the net. And let me tell you, many of those emails were so funny I was in tears.

One of my favorite things about that time was that when I retired my OTC a few years back, I got a number of emails from out-of-town readers who said they started reading me after hearing of the Neilbonics column and never stopped. A good many of them were even Broncos fans. Enjoy your weekend.

Greghall24@yahoo.com

[mcan]

A few years ago, I did an impression of Neil that got me more rep than anything I ever said on this forum. I now repost it here, for your pleasure.

This was in response to the guy who hustled Neil out of a bunch of money for a dumb investment. I think Neil even lost his superbowl ring in the deal.

Neil: I gives him much investitude on behalf of people like myself and them other guys' abilities as athletes. And then to go and do something like this. It's just, there comes a time when, you know, the guy's a crook and it just don't make the times anymore. It's freakishly. But what do you do, you know? It's times and times again.