Dallas Cowboys Release Jerry Jones

[Hammock Parties]

http://www.onionsportsnetwork.com/ar...ry-jones,2815/

IRVING, TEXAS—In an attempt to cut the franchise's losses and "move forward in a positive direction," the Dallas Cowboys severed ties with controversial owner Jerry Jones Monday, ending their tumultuous 20-year relationship with the divisive figure.

According to sources within the Cowboys organization, the decision to release Jones was influenced by the lack of any playoff victories in more than 12 years, the owner's distracting sideline antics, and his selfish, "me first" attitude, which many said was having a cancerous effect on the clubhouse.

"We value Jerry's contributions to the Cowboys over the past two decades, but it has become painfully clear that we just don't share the same priorities," Cowboys public relations director Richard Dalrymple said. "This wasn't an easy choice to make, but we're confident it is a decision that can only make our team better."

"Losing to our NFC East rivals the Giants in our brand-new stadium was really the last straw," added Dalrymple, who said Jones "insisted" that the $1.2 billion facility would solve all of the team's problems. "The Cowboys need to focus on winning, and we can't do that with Jerry's incessant ego-boosting publicity stunts, or this opulent sports venue that's devoted more to himself than achieving postseason success."

Cowboys officials called Jones Sunday night to inform him he was being cut from the team, ordering the 66-year-old owner to clean out his luxury box and remove his personal belongings from the premises immediately. Jones, who was reportedly stunned to be removed from his ownership duties, issued a statement on his website thanking himself for all his hard work and years of service.

"Well, damn, looks like the 'Boys couldn't handle Double J anymore," the blog post read in part. "I'll never forget my time in the Big D, and how I single-handedly won three Super Bowls. Don't worry, Jerry Jones will land on his feet somewhere, and when he does, Dallas better watch out."

Jones' questionable conduct on and off the field almost certainly played a role in sealing the troubled owner's fate. Although some members of the Cowboys' management have reportedly contemplated Jones' termination for the past several years, sources said his recent association with known criminals as well as a perceived lack of character and poor leadership qualities provided ample reasons for his release.

Ultimately, team officials said that Jones had become an embarrassment to the storied franchise.

"Between the opportunistic condemnations of game plans, the uninformed evaluations of draftees, and the paranoid delusions that players and coordinators were scheming against him, it's no wonder the Cowboys have had enough," NFL Today commentator Boomer Esiason said. "Maybe his absence will finally give the team a chance to start living up to its full potential."

"Just watching the Cowboys practice without Jones leering at them, you can tell that morale has already greatly improved," Esiason continued. "They seem so loose and relaxed and their faces are just lighting up with smiles. This is the first time Tony Romo has had fun since he put on the Cowboys uniform."

Former Cowboys head coach and Fox Sports analyst Jimmy Johnson speculated that the team's real motivation for cutting Jones was that the aging owner, who turns 67 in October, is well past his prime and would have continued to cost the ball club too much money.

"His skills have really diminished the past few years, and he just can't make the moves that he used to," said Johnson, adding that the rest of the NFL was passing Jones by every day. "When you get older you start to slow down, and as you try to compensate, you wind up making poor decisions."

"He had to eat more than $9 million dollars of salary cap just to get rid of Terrell Owens," Johnson added. "In this economy? What was he thinking?"

Though his publicist would not say whether the former Cowboys owner was entertaining offers from any other teams, an anonymous NFL source told reporters that, immediately after Jones cleared waivers Tuesday, Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis offered him a record-setting three-year $120 million deal.

[Simply Red]

Originally Posted by Caseyguyrr

JJ is such a douchebag

God yes, like the biggest douche in sports.

[Baby Lee]

Originally Posted by ClevelandBronco

Anyone who read the last paragraph.

Having read Onion articles for a good while, I can differentiate pretty quickly between those where the headline is the bulk of the joke and those where the funny builds throughout the text. I judged this to be the former and stopped reading after about 4-5 lines.

[Chief Pote]

Originally Posted by splatbass

The Onion is a satire site. They put out satirical newspaper style stories. This is one. Relax and enjoy.

Stop it.

[TimeForWasp]

Originally Posted by GloryDayz

Wow....Asshole or not, he'd be a MAJOR upgrade compared to our piece of F***ING shit owner... The biggest asshole on our team is the owner, so get rid of that family, and we might make some progress as a football city. If they stick around, much like their inability to corner the silver market, they'll continue to fail at football too. Wow, this would be so cool if it were true.

Hey, you Clark lurkers, tell Clark and that whole ownership group that they suck hairy balls and I hope they sell and get replaced by some football people... They are the worst of the worst. And tell them to never come back to KC, we don't need their usless asses here!

Be careful what you wish for. If someone bought the team, the team would most likely not stay in Kansas city.
I have often dreamed of North and South Dakota going together and getting a team.
Dakota Chiefs anyone?



jk

[splatbass]

Originally Posted by GloryDayz

Wow....Asshole or not, he'd be a MAJOR upgrade compared to our piece of F***ING shit owner... The biggest asshole on our team is the owner, so get rid of that family, and we might make some progress as a football city. If they stick around, much like their inability to corner the silver market, they'll continue to fail at football too. Wow, this would be so cool if it were true.

Hey, you Clark lurkers, tell Clark and that whole ownership group that they suck hairy balls and I hope they sell and get replaced by some football people... They are the worst of the worst. And tell them to never come back to KC, we don't need their usless asses here!

How would he be an upgrade? Other than the mid 90s when have they been a good team?

I think you are having a little "grass is greener" moment here.

[GloryDayz]

Originally Posted by ChiefsNow

Be careful what you wish for. If someone bought the team, the team would most likely not stay in Kansas city.
I have often dreamed of North and South Dakota going together and getting a team.
Dakota Chiefs anyone?



jk

I know, I know... But if you want 6-10, 7-9 or 8-8 football, with the occasional 9-7 and 10-6 season, then the Hunts are your family. They'll always steal/pick the pockets of the fine city of KC and the NFL, and keep it for any endeavor other than winning championships. They hate this city...literally... That's why they don't live here! So if they leave, we might lose a team for a few years, but other owners will see the logic in coming back to one of the best NFL venues around. So let Clark take his team to LA or anywhere else. Just leave and never come back! nobody wants him here - he sucks at winning championships.. Horribly! Just leave the name and the colors, we'll find somebody worth owning the name and colors! If we're not going to win championships, then good bye Clark! Most of us are done with the charity thing!

[GloryDayz]

Originally Posted by splatbass

How would he be an upgrade? Other than the mid 90s when have they been a good team?

I think you are having a little "grass is greener" moment here.

He cares... He lives where his team plays, and he cares. Yes, he's a total ass, but right now, I'd take an ass over a total daddies-boy, silver spoon, football failure whore like Clark! Now, give us Cuban and I'd be first in line for season tickets again.

So yes, the grass is greener. Maybe not a putting green, but at least it's not the vast wasteland of mud and pig cesspool that we have now for ownership.

[Mr. Flopnuts]

Originally Posted by evolve27

This has to be a joke. Isn't he the owner of the team?

[splatbass]

Originally Posted by GloryDayz

He cares... He lives where his team plays, and he cares. Yes, he's a total ass, but right now, I'd take an ass over a total daddies-boy, silver spoon, football failure whore like Clark! Now, give us Cuban and I'd be first in line for season tickets again.

So yes, the grass is greener. Maybe not a putting green, but at least it's not the vast wasteland of mud and pig cesspool that we have now for ownership.

So an owner that cares and lives in the city, but delivers mediocrity is better than an owner that doesn't care and lives in another city, but delivers mediocrity? (this is just your opinion about Hunt by the way, I believe he does care)

I live in another city and care about the team as much as anyone. I've been a fan since the late '60s. Where you live has no bearing on how much you care about the team, and shouldn't matter as far as ownership. Dallas is a one hour flight from KC, it isn't like he lives on the other side of the planet. And with video conferencing he can be just as involved while he is in Dallas as he is when he is in KC. A friend of mine lives in Hawaii but manages a software firm in Sacramento.

No offense, but I grew up in KC and even I don't want to live there.

[GloryDayz]

Originally Posted by splatbass

So an owner that cares and lives in the city, but delivers mediocrity is better than an owner that doesn't care and lives in another city, but delivers mediocrity? (this is just your opinion about Hunt by the way, I believe he does care)

I live in another city and care about the team as much as anyone. I've been a fan since the late '60s. Where you live has no bearing on how much you care about the team, and shouldn't matter as far as ownership. Dallas is a one hour flight from KC, it isn't like he lives on the other side of the planet. And with video conferencing he can be just as involved while he is in Dallas as he is when he is in KC. A friend of mine lives in Hawaii but manages a software firm in Sacramento.

No offense, but I grew up in KC and even I don't want to live there.

Love on him all you want, that's your problem. Now I'm sure you'll tell me that you don't love him, you just think he's no better than Clark! Oh, OK!!! Perhaps it will save you money on SB tickets for the rest of your life (unless you like attending SBs for teams that aren't "yours").

[splatbass]

Originally Posted by GloryDayz

Love on him all you want, that's your problem. Now I'm sure you'll tell me that you don't love him, you just think he's no better than Clark! Oh, OK!!! Perhaps it will save you money on SB tickets for the rest of your life (unless you like attending SBs for teams that aren't "yours").

You are really emotional, huh? I prefer to think, but if that works for you, ok.

Now that Al Davis is dead, the only worse owner in the NFL than Jerry Jones is Dan Snyder. You can take JJ.

[Bowser]

More like Jerry Jones releases all over the Dallas Cowboys, amirite?

[Setsuna]

LOL. He'd be the new Hugh Hefner if he ever left the Cowboys.

[Brock]

I hate Clark Hunt! He went out and signed the GM most people were clamoring for, and now he just sits back and expects that GM to do all the work! Angry, angry!!!

[GloryDayz]

Originally Posted by splatbass

You are really emotional, huh? I prefer to think, but if that works for you, ok.

Now that Al Davis is dead, the only worse owner in the NFL than Jerry Jones is Dan Snyder. You can take JJ.

LOL, the worst owner int he NFL is now the one that hates the city where his team plays. It was Al Davis before, he's the biggest ass in the world, but now it's Clark and his family. As far as emotional.. Well, maybe. Perhaps I'm just very clear about how poorly they "own" a sports team, and completely disregard their fan-base and the city where their team plays. As we all did for way too long, we thought the best of them, they simply numbed our asses before they boned us for decade after decade... They suck the root as owners, and as people because they won't sell the franchise. They're literally too stupid among enough of their peers to ever succeed. Even if they let loose of some of the cash they should have always been not-pocketing, they're too stupid to "buy" the right people. And now their epic failness has rendered them a team that no good coach or player really wants to come. You tell me what world-class player in his prime, or just before it, wants to come play for Clark and the clowns he trots in here? Which of those players or people see themselves anywhere past a paycheck (in the SB)? Much like the Royals (at least the recent past Royals), players come here in hopes of being seen and moving on to a contender. To date Clark and Glass have been fine with that and sucking in the cash their leagues give them.