All-Idiot Defensive Interview

Mark M · 08-10-2001, 09:16 AM

We continue our interview with Packfan’s All-Idiot Team coach Harry “Hank Stram’s” Hairpiece. This time out reporter, Skippy McScooperson, talks defense with the coach.

[i]Skippy: Coach, your defense last year was not as good as you would’ve hoped. How are things shaping up so far this year?[/i]
Harry: Well, we’re basically the same unit as last year, except that we’ve had a few changes at cornerback. Left corner back [b]DiscoJones[/b] never seemed to recover from his Electric Slide injury, so [b]ExtremeChief[/b] has taken his place.
[i]S: And how do you feel about that? Is it an upgrade?[/i]
H: I’d say it’s a push. Although Extreme doesn’t dance nearly as well. It must be a white thing ...
[i]S: Now, now, coach. Isn’t that racist?[/i]
H: Have you seen Extreme dance?
[i]S: Excellent point ... So, how does the rest of the secondary look?[/i]
H: Well, our safeties, [b]WisChief[/b] and [b]Iowanian[/b] are both very, very solid.
[i]S: So you’re happy with their performance?[/i]
H: Oh, you want to know about how they play? I was talking about their physical builds. Well, they seem to be doing okay. WisChief just imagines every opponent is a Packer’s fan and just runs around knocking everyone down: QBs, RBs, OTs, OGs, Referees ...
[i]S: And Iowanian?[/i]
H: We still have to convince him that the opening whistle is [i]not[/i] the start of hunting season. Although he is an excellent shot.
[i]S: How about the other cornerback spot?[/i]
H: Oh yeah, [b]htismaque[/b]. Well, if he could stop smoking the field we’d be okay.
[i]S: You mean stop smoking [b]on[/b] the field, right?[/i]
H: No ... I mean he [i]smokes the field[/i]. If it’s green and leafy, he’ll inhale it. He wiped out our practice field, half of our main field and the chef’s entire supply of oregano. The guy needs help.
[i]S: You mean he needs to get into rehab?[/i]
H: No ... I mean [i]he needs help[/i]. One person can’t possibly smoke all of that by himself. I’m thinking that [b]Big Daddy[/b] may be the man for the job. We need a backup anyway ... for those days we play on turf instead of grass.
[i]S: Alrighty then ... How about your linebackers?[/i]
H: Great group. Of course, there’s only two, [b]ChiefsRedPants[/b] and [b]ChiefPriority[/b], so how bad could they be?
[i]S: I’ve heard that ChiefsRedPants is still trying to find a way to impeach Dubya, and ChiefPriority spent the offseason working for ... how do I say it? The “adult film industry.”[/i]
H: (laughing) Yeah, ChiefPriority sure does love his porn, doesn’t he? Reminds me of this time I was on Hank’s skull, and these three girls, along with their dog, came over and—
[i]S: Um, coach ... I really don’t think this is the time or the place.[/i]
H: That’s what the dog thought! (laughs hysterically)
[i]S: I’m sure. Back to the topic: How about the defensive line?[/i]
H: You mean the “Hungry Hungry Hippos”?
[i]S: I guess so ... [/i]
H: Well, they’re doing okay. We’ve been pleased with [b]Logical[/b], [b]The Fly[/b] and [b]58forever[/b] on the inside.
[i]S: And the penalties? Are those going to be a problem ... again?[/i]
H: Well, in 16 games last year they combined for 480 penalties and 2,400 yards of total offense ... for the other team, of course. Fly was even named MVP for the PigskinPark Patriots, our main rival. Glad to see one of them get some recognition.
[i]S: And how about the defensive ends?[/i]
H: [b]Gaz[/b] has great range ... he was great in the Cohen brother’s remake of [i]Ishtar[/i].
[i]S: Um ... [/i]
H: Oh, you mean how are they doing in camp? Sorry, that’s twice I’ve done that. (laughs) Well, Gaz is doing well, although he’s recovering from a major carpal tunnel injury.
[i]S: That’s unusual for a football player. How did he get the injury?[/i]
H: You really don’t want to know ... really ... you don’t. But it’s nothing a little Tequila Rose and a bubble bath can’t fix. Although that might be how he got injured in the first place ...
[i]S: And the other end?[/i]
H: Of Gaz?
[i]S: No, the other [b]defensive[/b] end.[/i]
H: Oh, you mean [b]stevieray[/b]? He gives out more hits than htismaque’s bong. Great player, although he hasn’t been around in camp much. Must be some personal issues or something. We’re looking forward to his return.
[i]S: So you’re happy with the defense so far?[/i]
H: So far, so mediocre ...

This weekend (hopefully): All-Idiot Not-So-Special Teams and off-the-field personnel.

MM
~~Wonders where he comes up with this stuff ...

P.S. I don't know if I'll be able to get online from home, so the third and final installment may have to wait until Monday. Hey, I've gotta have something to do at work ... ;)

08-10-2001, 09:16 AM	Topic Starter
Mark M What time is it? Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: You tell me ... Casino cash: $9884900	All-Idiot Defensive Interview We continue our interview with Packfan’s All-Idiot Team coach Harry “Hank Stram’s” Hairpiece. This time out reporter, Skippy McScooperson, talks defense with the coach. [i]Skippy: Coach, your defense last year was not as good as you would’ve hoped. How are things shaping up so far this year?[/i] Harry: Well, we’re basically the same unit as last year, except that we’ve had a few changes at cornerback. Left corner back [b]DiscoJones[/b] never seemed to recover from his Electric Slide injury, so [b]ExtremeChief[/b] has taken his place. [i]S: And how do you feel about that? Is it an upgrade?[/i] H: I’d say it’s a push. Although Extreme doesn’t dance nearly as well. It must be a white thing ... [i]S: Now, now, coach. Isn’t that racist?[/i] H: Have you seen Extreme dance? [i]S: Excellent point ... So, how does the rest of the secondary look?[/i] H: Well, our safeties, [b]WisChief[/b] and [b]Iowanian[/b] are both very, very solid. [i]S: So you’re happy with their performance?[/i] H: Oh, you want to know about how they play? I was talking about their physical builds. Well, they seem to be doing okay. WisChief just imagines every opponent is a Packer’s fan and just runs around knocking everyone down: QBs, RBs, OTs, OGs, Referees ... [i]S: And Iowanian?[/i] H: We still have to convince him that the opening whistle is [i]not[/i] the start of hunting season. Although he is an excellent shot. [i]S: How about the other cornerback spot?[/i] H: Oh yeah, [b]htismaque[/b]. Well, if he could stop smoking the field we’d be okay. [i]S: You mean stop smoking [b]on[/b] the field, right?[/i] H: No ... I mean he [i]smokes the field[/i]. If it’s green and leafy, he’ll inhale it. He wiped out our practice field, half of our main field and the chef’s entire supply of oregano. The guy needs help. [i]S: You mean he needs to get into rehab?[/i] H: No ... I mean [i]he needs help[/i]. One person can’t possibly smoke all of that by himself. I’m thinking that [b]Big Daddy[/b] may be the man for the job. We need a backup anyway ... for those days we play on turf instead of grass. [i]S: Alrighty then ... How about your linebackers?[/i] H: Great group. Of course, there’s only two, [b]ChiefsRedPants[/b] and [b]ChiefPriority[/b], so how bad could they be? [i]S: I’ve heard that ChiefsRedPants is still trying to find a way to impeach Dubya, and ChiefPriority spent the offseason working for ... how do I say it? The “adult film industry.”[/i] H: (laughing) Yeah, ChiefPriority sure does love his porn, doesn’t he? Reminds me of this time I was on Hank’s skull, and these three girls, along with their dog, came over and— [i]S: Um, coach ... I really don’t think this is the time or the place.[/i] H: That’s what the dog thought! (laughs hysterically) [i]S: I’m sure. Back to the topic: How about the defensive line?[/i] H: You mean the “Hungry Hungry Hippos”? [i]S: I guess so ... [/i] H: Well, they’re doing okay. We’ve been pleased with [b]Logical[/b], [b]The Fly[/b] and [b]58forever[/b] on the inside. [i]S: And the penalties? Are those going to be a problem ... again?[/i] H: Well, in 16 games last year they combined for 480 penalties and 2,400 yards of total offense ... for the other team, of course. Fly was even named MVP for the PigskinPark Patriots, our main rival. Glad to see one of them get some recognition. [i]S: And how about the defensive ends?[/i] H: [b]Gaz[/b] has great range ... he was great in the Cohen brother’s remake of [i]Ishtar[/i]. [i]S: Um ... [/i] H: Oh, you mean how are they doing in camp? Sorry, that’s twice I’ve done that. (laughs) Well, Gaz is doing well, although he’s recovering from a major carpal tunnel injury. [i]S: That’s unusual for a football player. How did he get the injury?[/i] H: You really don’t want to know ... really ... you don’t. But it’s nothing a little Tequila Rose and a bubble bath can’t fix. Although that might be how he got injured in the first place ... [i]S: And the other end?[/i] H: Of Gaz? [i]S: No, the other [b]defensive[/b] end.[/i] H: Oh, you mean [b]stevieray[/b]? He gives out more hits than htismaque’s bong. Great player, although he hasn’t been around in camp much. Must be some personal issues or something. We’re looking forward to his return. [i]S: So you’re happy with the defense so far?[/i] H: So far, so mediocre ... This weekend (hopefully): All-Idiot Not-So-Special Teams and off-the-field personnel. MM ~~Wonders where he comes up with this stuff ... P.S. I don't know if I'll be able to get online from home, so the third and final installment may have to wait until Monday. Hey, I've gotta have something to do at work ... ;)
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