Alcoholic Brother Spiralling Out Of Control - Help

[Vegas_Dave]

So my older brother is scaring me now. He has had personal issues that have been weighing him down and the personallity that he is, found alcohol and pot as his escape.

He and I were abused as children by our stepfather. This stepfather fled the country and has been on the run for 20+ years.

Our half sister (her real father) has no memory of him and has always been curious. She knows what he did but part of her cannot help but want to know. Well, about a year ago she found him.

I wasnt informed of this until about 2 months ago. Since then, my brother, sister and I have been getting things lined up to bring him to justice.

However, my brother was never able to deal fully with all of the items from the past. He find out about this about 10 months ago. It caused him to quit his job as he couldnt focus and really, he has not been able to truly function since. While he tries to make it seem like he is OK and simply taking the time off (plenty of money in the bank)... he has been getting worse.

Today, my father received an anonymous call from one of my brothers "friends" stating that just recently, it has been getting much worse and now everyone is worried about him.

My father and I were already concerned and this has now just confirmed our worries.

We just dont know what to do.

Has anyone here had to deal with a situation with a loved one like this and if so, what CAN we do?

[FAX]

I'm really sorry to hear about this, Mr. Vegas_Dave. Is there someone in his life whom he loves and would be fearful to lose? Wife? Girlfriend? You?

I ask because I believe that a first intervention will only work if and when he stands to lose something or someone vitally important to him if he doesn't comply. Everybody has a different bottom, as I'm sure you know ... some are very low and some are actually pretty high. Hopefully, his isn't somewhere near a cardboard house under a bridge. You have to get his attention and get him in a program (AA). For example, if he doesn't embrace recovery, those who love him (and whom he loves) have to be willing to separate themselves from him until he makes some good decisions. It's the only way, unfortunately.

As for the legacy issues with your step-father, it sounds like therapy is in order, to me. That, and shooting the bastard.

FAX

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by Phobia

Not trying to be a party pooper. That's just the way it is. Human beings are incredibly complex individuals - especially those of us with Freudian issues.

Heh. You said "poop" and "Freudian" in the same paragraph.


As for the original post, I can offer no advice as I haven't been in this situation. Good luck to everyone involved, and hopefully he can snap out of it.

[Adept Havelock]

Vegas_Dave, you have my deepest sympathies. That's a very tough place for you to be in. The intervention is a must, but unfortunately, as many others have said it is entirely in your brothers hands. You cannot help those who do not want it. I wish you and you family the best.

[beach tribe]

I got my brother a job, as a tender, and he is now a full blown alcoholic.

He fell through my front window the other night, and had to get 40 stitches in his FACE.

He came in just as drunk 2 nigyts later. I confronted him, and had to choke him out, to keep him from hurting me( he is very strong)

We had a rough life. I lived on the edge for years, and he learned a lot of this shit from me.

I don't know how, but I grew up, and completely turned my life around. I pray that he can do the same.

[Friendo]

if he hasn't been involved in counseling, and based on the history you've described, I would say it's a quite normal evolution at work here. lots of folks never stop to fully deal with a severe childhood trauma, simply because they have to "survive", but eventually the screws start working their way out. treating the drinking without addressing the underlying cause would be like giving someone an aspirin if their head was in a vise. I would hope you've processed this as well. good luck.

also--I think it's important to make a distinction between an addiction, and a cry for help--this sounds like the latter, but that's from here. sometimes peeps simply have an addictive personality--doesn't sound like the case here.

[brodieownsme]

tell him to watch a mel gibson movie

[el borracho]

Originally Posted by FAX

Everybody has a different bottom, as I'm sure you know ... some are very low and some are actually pretty high.
FAX

quite different from mine and probably different than your brother's. See how that works?

[FAX]

I've always found some black girls' bottoms to be quite interesting, Mr. el borracho. I never thought of bottoms as "perky", but quite a few of them actually are.

FAX

[RJ]

I wish I had something to offer but as others have pointed out, there's not much you can do to help someone until they want help. It's actually shocking once you realize how little you can do. The best advice I can give you is to be there for him if he wants to change but to also be prepared to walk away if he doesn't. Best of luck to you, your brother and your family.

[KCUnited]

Originally Posted by Friendo

if he hasn't been involved in counseling, and based on the history you've described, I would say it's a quite normal evolution at work here. lots of folks never stop to fully deal with a severe childhood trauma, simply because they have to "survive", but eventually the screws start working their way out. treating the drinking without addressing the underlying cause would be like giving someone an aspirin if their head was in a vise. I would hope you've processed this as well. good luck.

This is it. The booze is just a symptom of something deeper. Until the childhood issues are addressed he'll always find something to help him escape. Addiction is very real, but this sounds more like medicating for the rising pain.

[FAX]

Problem is, Mr. KCUnited, he likely won't be able to face the old demons unless or until he addresses the addiction. Once in a 12 step program (assuming he embraces the concept, approach, and theory), his life would begin to turn around and he could realistically deal with the childhood stuff.

FAX

[KCUnited]

Originally Posted by FAX

Problem is, Mr. KCUnited, he likely won't be able to face the old demons unless or until he addresses the addiction. Once in a 12 step program (assuming he embraces the concept, approach, and theory), his life would begin to turn around and he could realistically deal with the childhood stuff.

FAX

IMO, they must be simultaneous.

[Demonpenz]

maybe try soberrecovery.com there is a "friends" of an alcoholic on there and tons of different forums and advice most of the people on there are people who have gone through it all, gone through the emotions, lost it all, and have seen it all.

[Fat Elvis]

I hate to say it, but he isn't going to stop until he is ready to stop. There really isn't anything you can do to make him stop. It just doesn't work that way; he has to make the decision...some people never do. Those are the sad facts about alcoholism. It hurts. I don't know if he will ever understand the pain that he is causing the family.

What is important is that you take care of yourself. I might suggest that you attend some Al-Anon meetings; they are kind of a counterpart to AA that is designed for the family and friends of alcoholics. Give it (Al-Anon) some time; most people come in with the expectation that they are going to learn how to "fix" the alcoholic in thier lives, but that isn't what Al-Anon is about.

You can search here for a list of meetings near you. I have to admit, I thought they were a bunch of cultish, jingoistic, slogan slinging nutjobs at first, but it has really helped me. Other people have/are going through the same thing you and your family are going through. Sometimes it just helps to have a different perspective.

[Groves]

too close to home. Good luck.