Hair cuts and probabilities.

[Rain Man]

Okay, I just went to get my hair cut. (Hopefully, you noticed and think it looks good.)

Here's the background information you need for this story. I often get my haircuts at this place that offers a shoulder massage at the end of the cut. While I hope no one thinks poorly of me for saying this, if someone's going to touch my ears and run their fingers through my hair and then give me a shoulder massage, I have a certain hierarchy of preferences for who does so. In my particular case, that preference would be: 1. attractive females 2. average females. 3. unattractive females 4. males, who are by definition universally unattractive. I generally defer on the shoulder massage if I don't get one of my top three choices.

Since I kind of like getting the shoulder massage, that means that I'm interested in who's cutting hair that day. While I will keep in mind the ultimate goal of my visit (getting my hair cut well) and tip according to that sole criterion, I nonetheless have my preferences, and scout out the situation. I will play by the rules, though, and take whatever outcome occurs.

Okay, enough background. Now, tonight I go in, and there is a bit of a wait. I'm scouting out the situation, which falls thusly: 1 very, very attractive haircuttress, 1 attractive haircuttress, 1 average haircuttress, 2 other (i.e. below-average) haircuttresses, and 1 guy. In my observations, the very, very attractive haircuttress also gives out the longest shoulder massage, so there's a lot going in her favor in the pecking order. The shortest massages are given by the guy, but that's because no one is taking the shoulder massage from him since 95 percent of the customers are male. (Incidentally, I wonder if the low massage demand may increase his income since he can cut more hair per hour, but that's a discussion for another time.)

(Oh, and yes, I know I'm bald. But that's beside the point, too.)

So anyway, as I'm watching, it's becoming clear that the haircuts are falling in a distinct pattern: the three average/below average females all tend to finish up about the same time, and the two attractive ones and the guy all tend to finish up at about the same time. After about twenty minutes I know I'm moving up to the top of the list, and the next wave of cuts is falling to the attractive ones and the guy. (I should note too that the guy has a bad location, sitting right in front of the waiting area, which really bugs me. Too many people watching. A haircut should not be a public exhibition.)

The tension is mounting as the three hair people send off their newly shorn customers and sweep up their areas. Will I get the guy and no shoulder massage? The attractive stylist and a baseline shoulder massage? Or the gorgeous stylist and an ultra-shoulder massage? The stakes were high. I could feel my heart beating faster as I tried to discern the slightest hint of who might go next, and of whom remained in front of me in line. I could tell it was going to be touch and go: I was somewhat sure that I was next, and the guy finished his first, but then he took a long time sweeping and went into the back room. The gorgeous stylist finished next and I surreptitiously keep an eye on her, thinking that perhaps destiny and queueing theory are on my side. The guy was still in the back room when she put away her broom, but then, like all women, she betrayed me by suddenly wheeling off to the shampoo area to wash her hands. Or maybe she didn't. Am I next, or is it the stocky unibrow guy down at the end of the waiting area? I have no idea what to think as the attractive haircuttress also puts away her broom. It's going to be close, akin to that Rams/Titans Super Bowl where one yard might make the difference between sweet victory and ignominious defeat.

The guy came out and strode toward the counter. I've got a bad feeling about this, because I think I might be next. The very, very attractive haircuttress is over at the shampoo area, and some dude has walked over there and is chatting her up - what a jerk. The attractive haircuttress is brushing the hair off her hands, and is located only three feet from the check-in desk. It's going to be close....

The guy turns around and faces the waiting area. "Rain Man?" he says. I sigh with defeat. I lay low, on the off chance that there's someone in line ahead of me who is also named Rain Man. He comes over to me. "Rain Man?"

I put down my magazine that is target-marketed toward twenty-something fad followers, and stand up to get my massageless haircut, bowed but unbroken by the angry gods of probability.

But...the story doesn't end here. I'm in my chair at the horrible location, sitting three feet from the guy who may have singlehandedly cost me an ultra-shoulder massage from a very, very attractive haircuttress, and the receptionist comes over to him. "I'm sorry," she tells the guy, "but you're actually the second person who has requested Tara, so it's going to be a longer wait than I first told you."

If I was the Incredible Hulk, I would have split my pants. Not one, but TWO of the waiting people had specifically requested the very, very attractive haircuttess with the long shoulder massages, thereby destroying the probabilities for everyone else. My odds of getting an attractive ultra-massage were zero!

Now, I have no idea how good any of these haircuttresses are, because it does not take a high level of skill to trim up the little fringe of hair that mocks me in the mirror. Maybe the very, very attractive haircuttress was highly skilled and in demand for said skills. Or perhaps, a couple of guys came in and attempted to bypass the time-honored system of random selection, thereby working over the rest of us who honor this system and our fellow man. Is this acceptable? Unacceptable? What is your theory?