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Old 11-17-2009, 07:57 AM  
InChiefsHeaven InChiefsHeaven is offline
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How to sing the blues
http://www.analogman.com/singblues.htm

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HOW TO SING THE BLUES

by Lame Mango Washington
(attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin)

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, " adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:

a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

(Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. I don't care.
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Old 11-17-2009, 08:54 AM   #2
Bugeater Bugeater is offline
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Well I woke up this morning, wonderin' if I could sing the blues. Guess I'll have to break my computer and then catch a southbound train to Memphis to kill a man. I just hope the SOB dies.
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Old 11-17-2009, 09:14 AM   #3
Demonpenz Demonpenz is offline
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Fail where's the pool halls, Kansas city, names like Watermelon, or fatboy, or gums
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Old 11-17-2009, 09:16 AM   #4
InChiefsHeaven InChiefsHeaven is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Demonpenz View Post
Fail where's the pool halls, Kansas city, names like Watermelon, or fatboy, or gums
Item 7:

Quote:

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
as to Watermelon, it mentions naming after a fruit.

Come on man, feel it, don't just sit there...
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Old 11-17-2009, 09:19 AM   #5
Redrum_69 Redrum_69 is offline
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you wanna know how to sing the blues?

Two things...

1) become a Chiefs fan

2) create a username on Chiefsplanet
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Old 11-17-2009, 09:21 AM   #6
Demonpenz Demonpenz is offline
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no chicago or detroit either, jebus lee hooker,
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Old 11-17-2009, 09:23 AM   #7
Demonpenz Demonpenz is offline
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where's Texas, where's songs about hats, this is fail,4,5!
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Old 11-17-2009, 11:18 AM   #8
InChiefsHeaven InChiefsHeaven is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Demonpenz View Post
no chicago or detroit either, jebus lee hooker,
It SAYS Chicago!! No Detroit, I'll give you that...but when I think of Blues, I don't think of Detroit...unless you mean the color of the Lion's uni's...
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Old 11-17-2009, 11:21 AM   #9
Demonpenz Demonpenz is offline
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Originally Posted by InChiefsHell View Post
It SAYS Chicago!! No Detroit, I'll give you that...but when I think of Blues, I don't think of Detroit...unless you mean the color of the Lion's uni's...
pffft where,what the Rhythm and blues...mo town?
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Old 11-17-2009, 11:24 AM   #10
MahiMike MahiMike is offline
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Great blues title -

"I got it bad and that ain't good"
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Old 11-17-2009, 11:25 AM   #11
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Old 11-17-2009, 11:27 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by InChiefsHell View Post
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
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"He had no teeth, and he was slobbering all over himself. I'm thinking, 'You can have your money back, just get me out of here. Let me go be an accountant." I can't tell you how badly I wanted out of there."
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Old 11-17-2009, 12:06 PM   #13
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VARSITY
Six Golden Rules of the Blues:

1. Lose a Leg.
2. Don't Stay White.
3. Remember, Blues is Black.
4. Go Blind.
5. Try to See.
6. A Lot of Misery!

ttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1UtDHH3kSUU
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