My discovery of the world's most annoying human.

[Rain Man]

Okay, I'm not very popular so I never get invited anywhere. However, my wife is popular, so she gets invited lots of places, and the host usually (not always) invites me along as part of a package deal.

So she/we get invited to a Super Bowl party today, and it's the same party we've gone to for about three years now. Nice host, big screen TV, below-average food, but it's free, so I'm not complaining, especially since they had some really big chocolate cookies this year. The other thing that helps is that the host lives about two miles from us, so it's an easy trip.

Well, we showed up today, and the first thing I notice is that the game is on, but no one's watching it, and I find that kind of weird. Everyone is milling about like it's a regular party, and not a party where the entire future of the football world is being determined on 60 inches of television twelve feet away. I start to get some crab dip, but before I can even get any food, some chick starts talking to me and I'm trapped there for fifteen minutes without food and WITH MY BACK TO THE TV! What is wrong with people today?

After a while, she begins to figure out my personality and makes an excuse to leave, and I get my food. I scout out the area, and find a nice quiet spot where I can eat my food and watch the game in peace, even though it's so loud that I can't hear anything and just have to watch it like I'm in a sports bar. I find a nice bar stool set up behind the couch, which is part of a line of bar stools that is completely vacant.

I watch about 20 minutes of the game in peace, and then this dude shows up with his fiance. They're both about 50 to 60, and this guy plants himself on a bar stool next to me and just starts blathering, and it's all this weird stuff that's just flat-out annoying.

Him: (Blather, blather, blather.) Who are you rooting for?

Me: Seattle.

Him: Oh. Yeah. You're one of those. You know what I mean? You're one of those. [Pats me on the leg]

Me: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Him: I don't care about the teams. I just pick one. [Extremely loud screeching noise when Seattle gets a first down. People turn and look at him. He makes the screeching noise again and pats me on the arm.]

Him: I saw a TV show last night. It was about animals. Do you like animals. I like animals. [Yells] THEY'RE F***ING GREAT! [People avoid us even more than they would normally avoid me.]

Me: Yeah. I have pets.

Him: I don't understand you people that don't like animals. I used to have a pet store.

Me: I like animals. I have pets.

Him: This TV show was great. It [blather, blather, blather for longer than the TV show could have lasted.] Hey, am I bothering you?

Me: How about those Seahawks?

Him: [Pats me on the leg. Blather, blather, blather. Screeches at Pittsburgh first down. Startles a nearby child and the mother glares at him.]

Him: [Blather, blather, blather, punctuated by a dozen or more arm punches or leg pats, and many screeches. I'm not even looking at him by this time, just nodding occasionally and watching the game. He asks twice more if he's bothering me, but doesn't take the hint and just keeps talking.]

Him: Hey, it's halftime! The Stones! [Yells way, way, way too loud] HEY, TURN UP THE TV! IT'S THE STONES! THE STONES! [People glare at him, and his fiance comes over and whispers something in his ear.]

Him: Hey, do you like the Rolling Stones?

Me: No.

Him: Ha, ha, ha.

And then it happened. I swear on the soul of my ancestors that it happened. This man, whom I had never before seen in my life, and who has been annoying the marrow out of my very bones for nearly a half-hour, did it. He reached over, and...

he...

tousled...

my....

hair.

This Baby Boomer man reached over, and he did the little squiggle thing with his hand on top of my head.

Who in the name of baby Michael Vick EVER does that to another person, in any circumstance, at any time, for any reason? This man wasn't drunk, he wasn't a mongoloid, and he wasn't a blind man with a hobby of phrenology. He was a man who, for some inexplicable reason that is known only to himself, thought that it would be a friendly bonding moment to reach over, place his hand on my bald head, and muss up the 24 remaining hairs that hunker atop it like the last defenders of Corregidor. What in the name of all that is holy and good was this person thinking about?

If the Nobel committee ever starts up a new prize for annoying, this guy is getting my nomination vote. Unbelievable.

Just to end the story, I got up and left at that point. Game over. I went and stood with another group of people, and this guy finally got up and wandered off.

[CosmicPal]

Guys like that, you just got to freak them out and start asking him weird questions; for instance,

"Say, I was just thinking- today marks my second week straight without having to change this pair of boxers I'm wearing. Isn't that great? But, it's not a record yet. Once in college, I went a whole month without changing them. It was cool."

If that doesn't work, ask him if he's met your friend Charlie.
"No Rain Man, I haven't. Where is he?"
"He's sitting next to you. On your left."
Your annoying new friend looks to his left to see nothing but an empty barstool. "Uhhh, I don't see anyone."
You look over at the empty barstool. "Hey Charlie. Don't be a stranger man. Say 'Hi' to our new friend here."

If that doesn't get him to leave tell him then you're sh*t out of luck.

[jspchief]

If that was the most annoying human in the world, I encountered the second most annoying human in the world.

Sitting at a sports bar, next to a group of about 30 pro hockey players. The smallest guy on the team proceeded to get drunk off his ass an hour before the game even started. By the time halftime arrived, he had managed to piss off about 60% of the 350+ capacity bar. Whether it be spilling his drink on you (I got that one), hitting on your woman right in front of your face, or stumbling into you multiple times, he was clearly out of control. Meanwhile, the rest of the team did nothing to keep him in check, and more often than not goaded him into his antics.

Needless to say, it eventually erupted into an all out melee. Several hockey players learned that bar fights aren't hockey fights, and several bar patrons learned that hockey players know how to throw a punch.

All because 30 guys couldn't keep their one drunk teammate with small dick syndrome from disrupting an entire bar full of people.

[Skip Towne]

I love it when guys like that show up. I can usually have them avoiding me within 5 minutes.

Originally Posted by jspchief

If that was the most annoying human in the world, I encountered the second most annoying human in the world.

Sitting at a sports bar, next to a group of about 30 pro hockey players. The smallest guy on the team proceeded to get drunk off his ass an hour before the game even started. By the time halftime arrived, he had managed to piss off about 60% of the 350+ capacity bar. Whether it be spilling his drink on you (I got that one), hitting on your woman right in front of your face, or stumbling into you multiple times, he was clearly out of control. Meanwhile, the rest of the team did nothing to keep him in check, and more often than not goaded him into his antics.

Needless to say, it eventually erupted into an all out melee. Several hockey players learned that bar fights aren't hockey fights, and several bar patrons learned that hockey players know how to throw a punch.

All because 30 guys couldn't keep their one drunk teammate with small dick syndrome from disrupting an entire bar full of people.

That sounds like a helluva superbowl party. Maybe. Unless I got my ass kicked. Knowing my luck, I'd have probably broken my hand on somebody's face. Which is why I really try to steer clear of stupid drunken fights.

[jspchief]

Originally Posted by Phobia

That sounds like a helluva superbowl party. Maybe. Unless I got my ass kicked. Knowing my luck, I'd have probably broken my hand on somebody's face. Which is why I really try to steer clear of stupid drunken fights.

I had two things that kept me from getting in too much trouble.

1. Promising my wife that I won't fight anymore
2. My buddy owns the bar, and they needed help breaking things up. I took more of a temporary bouncer/peacekeeper role.

Yeah - I'm pretty sure I met that dude.

Wives are pretty smart, it seems. I had a minor altercation that I'm pretty embarrassed about a few months back. It was a road rage style incident in which I was the angry one and an idiot kept slamming on the brakes in hopes I would hit him. He got his wish, several times over. He didn't anticipate having to stop for traffic.

My wife wasn't very happy when told of the story, but this guy really had it coming.

[Skip Towne]

Originally Posted by Phobia

Yeah - I'm pretty sure I met that dude.

Wives are pretty smart, it seems. I had a minor altercation that I'm pretty embarrassed about a few months back. It was a road rage style incident in which I was the angry one and an idiot kept slamming on the brakes in hopes I would hit him. He got his wish, several times over. He didn't anticipate having to stop for traffic.

My wife wasn't very happy when told of the story, but this guy really had it coming.

That was you? You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

[CosmicPal]

Originally Posted by Phobia

Yeah - I'm pretty sure I met that dude.

Wives are pretty smart, it seems. I had a minor altercation that I'm pretty embarrassed about a few months back. It was a road rage style incident in which I was the angry one and an idiot kept slamming on the brakes in hopes I would hit him. He got his wish, several times over. He didn't anticipate having to stop for traffic.

Watch it Phob.

I steer clear of road rage incidents from now on...We have a guy here in Denver who is up for MURDER charges 'cause he slammed on his brakes in a road rage incident which sent the guy behind him careening out of control in his SUV and ended up flying thru the air only to land on another SUV coming the other way. Both drivers died. Apparently, this guy has had a few prior incidents with road rage and the state of Colorado has decided to press murder charges against him.

It's not worth it anymore...just let the pricks drive off and hopefully some day, they'll learn.

[jspchief]

Originally Posted by Phobia

Yeah - I'm pretty sure I met that dude.

Wives are pretty smart, it seems. I had a minor altercation that I'm pretty embarrassed about a few months back. It was a road rage style incident in which I was the angry one and an idiot kept slamming on the brakes in hopes I would hit him. He got his wish, several times over. He didn't anticipate having to stop for traffic.

My wife wasn't very happy when told of the story, but this guy really had it coming.

The last fight I was in, I was hit with a baseball bat. I broke my hand keeping the bat from breaking my head. My wife made it clear that I needed to avoid those types of situations in the future. For the most part, I've kept my word and avoided physical confrontations since then.

Last night could have got ugly. The guy dumped a drink all over me, then about 15 minutes later did something that brought on a comment from a buddy of mine that likes to bounce his fist off people a little too much. If that kid didn't have 29 other hockey players there with him, he would have been taken out back to be "sobered up".

As it were, the dumbass finally stumbled over to a corner of the bar and said the wrong thing to a less patient group of guys didn't know he had back-up.

[Jilly]

here's the deal, just have your own party. Invite everyone over early so all the chatting gets out of the way and poker, if that's your thing, that way by the time the game starts, everyone can focus. And also, if you have your own party, then you're in control of what dumbasses get invited...so you don't end up next to an attention whore.

Originally Posted by TitsMagee

here's the deal, just have your own party. Invite everyone over early so all the chatting gets out of the way and poker, if that's your thing, that way by the time the game starts, everyone can focus. And also, if you have your own party, then you're in control of what dumbasses get invited...so you don't end up next to an attention whore.

What if you host a party and ARE the attention whore? I simply don't trust myself not to turn off the halftime entertainment and put on my own halftime show.

[Jilly]

what does this "in lieu of" halftime show entail?

Originally Posted by jspchief

The last fight I was in, I was hit with a baseball bat. I broke my hand keeping the bat from breaking my head. My wife made it clear that I needed to avoid those types of situations in the future. For the most part, I've kept my word and avoided physical confrontations since then.

Wow. That's just crazy. Hopefully the baseball bat weilding moron served some time. I hadn't scrapped for many, many years prior last fall's "incident". That includes 5 years in the USMC, shockingly. I do a pretty good job of being the peacekeeper in those situations generally because fighting isn't going to solve much. After whooping the same dude 3x as a kid I learned that even the guy who gets his ass kicked doesn't learn anything. This guy kept coming back for more.

Originally Posted by TitsMagee

what does this "in lieu of" halftime show entail?

I don't know for sure, but it's likely to be better than yesterday's show.... at least until I'm the same age as Mick.

[Sully]

I think I actually DID put my dick in the mashed potatoes.