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Old 08-10-2001, 09:16 AM  
Mark M Mark M is offline
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All-Idiot Defensive Interview

We continue our interview with Packfanís All-Idiot Team coach Harry ďHank StramísĒ Hairpiece. This time out reporter, Skippy McScooperson, talks defense with the coach.


[i]Skippy: Coach, your defense last year was not as good as you wouldíve hoped. How are things shaping up so far this year?[/i]
Harry: Well, weíre basically the same unit as last year, except that weíve had a few changes at cornerback. Left corner back [b]DiscoJones[/b] never seemed to recover from his Electric Slide injury, so [b]ExtremeChief[/b] has taken his place.
[i]S: And how do you feel about that? Is it an upgrade?[/i]
H: Iíd say itís a push. Although Extreme doesnít dance nearly as well. It must be a white thing ...
[i]S: Now, now, coach. Isnít that racist?[/i]
H: Have you seen Extreme dance?
[i]S: Excellent point ... So, how does the rest of the secondary look?[/i]
H: Well, our safeties, [b]WisChief[/b] and [b]Iowanian[/b] are both very, very solid.
[i]S: So youíre happy with their performance?[/i]
H: Oh, you want to know about how they play? I was talking about their physical builds. Well, they seem to be doing okay. WisChief just imagines every opponent is a Packerís fan and just runs around knocking everyone down: QBs, RBs, OTs, OGs, Referees ...
[i]S: And Iowanian?[/i]
H: We still have to convince him that the opening whistle is [i]not[/i] the start of hunting season. Although he is an excellent shot.
[i]S: How about the other cornerback spot?[/i]
H: Oh yeah, [b]htismaque[/b]. Well, if he could stop smoking the field weíd be okay.
[i]S: You mean stop smoking [b]on[/b] the field, right?[/i]
H: No ... I mean he [i]smokes the field[/i]. If itís green and leafy, heíll inhale it. He wiped out our practice field, half of our main field and the chefís entire supply of oregano. The guy needs help.
[i]S: You mean he needs to get into rehab?[/i]
H: No ... I mean [i]he needs help[/i]. One person canít possibly smoke all of that by himself. Iím thinking that [b]Big Daddy[/b] may be the man for the job. We need a backup anyway ... for those days we play on turf instead of grass.
[i]S: Alrighty then ... How about your linebackers?[/i]
H: Great group. Of course, thereís only two, [b]ChiefsRedPants[/b] and [b]ChiefPriority[/b], so how bad could they be?
[i]S: Iíve heard that ChiefsRedPants is still trying to find a way to impeach Dubya, and ChiefPriority spent the offseason working for ... how do I say it? The ďadult film industry.Ē[/i]
H: (laughing) Yeah, ChiefPriority sure does love his porn, doesnít he? Reminds me of this time I was on Hankís skull, and these three girls, along with their dog, came over andó
[i]S: Um, coach ... I really donít think this is the time or the place.[/i]
H: Thatís what the dog thought! (laughs hysterically)
[i]S: Iím sure. Back to the topic: How about the defensive line?[/i]
H: You mean the ďHungry Hungry HipposĒ?
[i]S: I guess so ... [/i]
H: Well, theyíre doing okay. Weíve been pleased with [b]Logical[/b], [b]The Fly[/b] and [b]58forever[/b] on the inside.
[i]S: And the penalties? Are those going to be a problem ... again?[/i]
H: Well, in 16 games last year they combined for 480 penalties and 2,400 yards of total offense ... for the other team, of course. Fly was even named MVP for the PigskinPark Patriots, our main rival. Glad to see one of them get some recognition.
[i]S: And how about the defensive ends?[/i]
H: [b]Gaz[/b] has great range ... he was great in the Cohen brotherís remake of [i]Ishtar[/i].
[i]S: Um ... [/i]
H: Oh, you mean how are they doing in camp? Sorry, thatís twice Iíve done that. (laughs) Well, Gaz is doing well, although heís recovering from a major carpal tunnel injury.
[i]S: Thatís unusual for a football player. How did he get the injury?[/i]
H: You really donít want to know ... really ... you donít. But itís nothing a little Tequila Rose and a bubble bath canít fix. Although that might be how he got injured in the first place ...
[i]S: And the other end?[/i]
H: Of Gaz?
[i]S: No, the other [b]defensive[/b] end.[/i]
H: Oh, you mean [b]stevieray[/b]? He gives out more hits than htismaqueís bong. Great player, although he hasnít been around in camp much. Must be some personal issues or something. Weíre looking forward to his return.
[i]S: So youíre happy with the defense so far?[/i]
H: So far, so mediocre ...

This weekend (hopefully): All-Idiot Not-So-Special Teams and off-the-field personnel.

MM
~~Wonders where he comes up with this stuff ...

P.S. I don't know if I'll be able to get online from home, so the third and final installment may have to wait until Monday. Hey, I've gotta have something to do at work ... ;)
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Old 08-10-2001, 09:22 AM   #2
ExtremeChief ExtremeChief is offline
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[B][SIZE=4]LMMFAO!!!!![/SIZE][/B]



guess I can call of the Macarena lessons...
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Old 08-10-2001, 09:23 AM   #3
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[quote]H: Gaz has great range ... he was great in the Cohen brotherís remake of Ishtar.
S: Um ...
H: Oh, you mean how are they doing in camp? Sorry, thatís twice Iíve done that. (laughs) Well, Gaz is doing well, although heís recovering from a major carpal tunnel injury.
S: Thatís unusual for a football player. How did he get the injury?
H: You really donít want to know ... really ... you donít. But itís nothing a little Tequila Rose and a bubble bath canít fix. Although that might be how he got injured in the first place ...
S: And the other end?
H: Of Gaz?
S: No, the other defensive end. [/quote]

Oh, man, just when I get that image out of my mind you drag it back in again.

D@mn you!

And everyone thinks Gaz wears glasses because he's an engineer (or was that Gaz is an engineer because he wears-- oh, nevermind...).
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Old 08-10-2001, 09:30 AM   #4
ChiTown ChiTown is offline
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Mark

Very funny stuff! You should shack your daytime job and write comedy, dude.


Chi
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Old 08-10-2001, 09:35 AM   #5
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You made my birthday. That was hilarious.

Especially

[b]S: You mean he needs to get into rehab?
H: No ... I mean he needs help. One person canít possibly smoke all of that by himself. [/b]
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Old 08-10-2001, 09:40 AM   #6
Bwana Bwana is offline
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Mark: LOL great stuff again! :D

From the sounds of the "bud issues" I'm glad Hader is out there working so hard to bring in some extra income to cover the the "supply."

~GM Bwana trying to figure out how to feed these damn goldfish in his new pimp like clear shoes~

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Old 08-10-2001, 09:49 AM   #7
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Mark,

Man and I thought you could not top yesterday, hilarious especially the parts on Gaz and htismaqe. Thanks for the cameo, I have not been able to get any major parts recently and that cameo should remind people I am not dead.

Well, maybe I am dead and my typing fingers just do not realize it.

Great job
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Old 08-10-2001, 09:55 AM   #8
Mark M Mark M is offline
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Bwana--
If hader gets the $$, I know this guy from college ... ;)

ChiTown--
Thanks! Actually, I did stand-up for about a year at the Funnybone in Springfield, MO. Haven't done it in a while (bills to pay). :( I've been thinking about doing an ametuer night here in KC but the Glazer (sp?) family who owns the two comedy clubs in town are a bunch of pricks. The saddest thing is I [i]love[/i] to make people laugh ... and other than my wife (who is the easiest audience I've ever encounteredóshe'll laugh at darn near anything I say) I don't get a chance to do it all that often. This place is about as close as I get. I did the roster and these interview because, well, I need the fix. Not necessarily the attention (which I'm sure does have something to do with it) but more to get people to laugh at themselves and forget, however temporarily, the crap we all have to put up with everyday.

Sorry for sharing so much ... just had to get that out.

MM
~~Would love to find another day job.
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Old 08-10-2001, 09:59 AM   #9
Tribal Warfare Tribal Warfare is offline
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LOL, damn right I like my porn. :D
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Old 08-10-2001, 09:59 AM   #10
htismaqe htismaqe is offline
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Dude, I've done some standup...I've been writing comedy songs lately and playing acoustic guitar...I really got into this guy named Stephen Lynch, he's funny as hell...
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Old 08-10-2001, 10:04 AM   #11
Bwana Bwana is offline
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Mark: Hader claims it's a "done deal" but wants a '57 Corvette for his troubles. :mad: I mentioned that I would hit Walmarts Hot wheels section and take care of it, but didn't hear back. Hmmm?

Perhaps I can calm him down by knocking a couple "peep holes" in the wall between the players and the cheerleaders? :D

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Old 08-10-2001, 10:14 AM   #12
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These are really fun reads.

[font=Garamond][size=4]
Another great job, Mark.

As far as the other end of Gaz is concerned:

[quote] You really don't want to know ... really ... you don't.[/quote]

xoxo~
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Old 08-10-2001, 10:28 AM   #13
ChiTown ChiTown is offline
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Mark

I don't know how old you are buddy, but I think you should always try and pursue your dreams, especially when you have the talent. I shacked an excellent paying job that I had for over a decade to pursue a dream I had of going into business for myself. I make less money, have had fewer success's, but have found more happiness in the last 18mos than I ever knew in my previous work life. I spend more time with my family, less time with Corp P R I C K S, and more time on things that interest me and make me happy.

I know comedy is a tough gig, but being happy and following your dreams can overcome a lot of the difficult hurdles. Good Luck in whatever you do.

Chi
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Old 08-10-2001, 10:46 AM   #14
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Mark,
Have you looked into the De Ja Vu here in Columbia? They have comedy night at least every Thursday and often have one or two opening acts for the big act. You should give it a shot. If you need more info, let me know and I'll see what I can find.

Pitt
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Old 08-10-2001, 10:57 AM   #15
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double LMMFAO!!!!!

I'm ready to break that encroachment record this year...
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