DaWolf
07-22-2005, 01:58 AM
Can’t sit still for Elway in KC (http://www.kansascity.com/mld/kansascity/sports/12192687.htm)
Seeing furniture with former Broncos QB’s name on it in this town is uncomfortable
By Joe Posnanski
After years of vigorous therapy, I thought I had put away my unhealthy fear of John Elway forever. It wasn’t easy. For most of my life, John Elway was lurking around every corner, hiding in every shadow, plotting some new way to torture me. He made the Drive. He was there for the Fumble. He beat the Chiefs in the playoffs. He personally beat my sports teams so many times, that I knew it had to be personal.
On my wedding day, I more or less expected John Elway to sneak out from behind the wedding cake and tackle my best man.
Then John Elway retired. He went to the Hall of Fame. I went through a 12-step program. I came to grips with things.
Then they started selling John Elway furniture in Kansas City.
At first, I was sure this had to be a mistake. When the Sunday paper came, there was the usual array of brochures and flyers and pullouts and whatever. One was from Bassett Furniture. They were advertising an “Elway Home Sale,”
I felt certain that this was a different Elway. This was lovable Fred Elway, a kindly furniture maker from Lenoir, N.C., who specializes in rocking chairs. This was Zebediah Elway, a 19th-century Dutch cabinetmaker who came to America with the grand dream of selling his high-quality furniture at a low price. This was Charlotte Ann Elway, a motherly figure who believes everyone should own a leather sectional.
Nope. It was John Elway, all right. There was a photograph of him sitting on an ottoman, holding a football. He had this odd “I’m going to get you” smile on his face.
“Arrrrgghhh!” I shouted.
“What is it?” my wife, Margo, asked. She thought the Kansas City highway people had decided to close the last road to town from the Northland. Who is doing all this construction in Kansas City, General Grant? Is he trying to cut off all our supply lines?
I pointed to the picture of Elway
“They’re … they’re … they’re selling ….”
I couldn’t even get the words out. They are selling John Elway furniture in Kansas City. Repeat: They are selling John Elway furniture here in this town, where for 16 years Elway would come to town, throw darts, elude sacks, fight off tacklers, where for 16 years he won games, broke hearts, destroyed dreams.
The John Elway Home Collection. Are you kidding? What’s next? The Chris Chambliss chaise lounge? The Tyus Edney end table? The Ben Davidson love seat? How about a whole Al Davis Designer Collection coming in three radiant Raiders colors: Biletnikoff Burgundy, Gannon Green or Just Win Baby Blue?
This is not in any way to downgrade the good folks at Bassett. They make fine furniture. They decided a while ago that Elway, being a great quarterback and a two-time Super Bowl champion and all that, would be the perfect person to have his own furniture line. It makes sense.
But not in Kansas City (or Cleveland). How could this work here? We had to find out more. So I piled the wife and kid into the car, and we went to a Bassett Store disguised as an ordinary family.
There were no customers in the store, but a very nice woman met us and took us over to the Elway collection, highlighted by a brown leather sectional with cup holders. She explained that the great thing about the John Elway collection, in addition to the cup holders, is that all styles can be customized to fit in your exact space. I considered asking whether we could customize some furniture for my driveway so I could drive over it every day (Get it? Drive over it) but I thought that would blow our cover.
She gave us a John Elway furniture brochure, which features six photographs of John. There’s “Business John,” where he wears a shirt and tie, “Casual John,” featuring a blue polo and “Good Old John,” where he is sitting in front of his TV with a remote. There is “Happy John” and “Surprised John,” and finally one best described as “Gigolo John,” where he stands with the top few buttons on his shirt unbuttoned.
“Would you like to see the video?” the woman asked us.
Are you kidding? Of course we want to see the video. So, she put it in, and it is outstanding, 3 1/2 stars, I highly recommend it for you and your family. It begins with John in the factory, where he is getting ready to make some furniture. You can tell he’s serious because he is wearing protective goggles. The goggles come in handy a few minutes later when John, without any guidance from a foreman or furniture expert, is seen signing the shirt of a man making furniture. Talk about danger. Hey, if one of the buttons pops off, it could hit you in the eye.
The video hops to an office where John meets with some of the world’s top furniture designers. They show him plans, fabrics, all sorts of things. He nods. They explain their plans. He nods. And then, John springs into action. It’s hard to tell from the video, but it appears that John either offers some of his personal furniture philosophies or he’s just pretending to talk while the camera is on him. In either case, he is authoritative, and there is excellent footage of him handling some sort of Plexiglas-looking material.
“I think we got a lot of good work done today,” he says. The designer agrees. We all try very hard to keep a straight face.
“Are you John Elway fans?” the woman in the store asks.
I sense she is getting suspicious. We admit that we are not Elway fans. But this does not bother her at all. She says there have been a few Chiefs fans who have complained about John Elway furniture being sold in Kansas City. But as she points out, “John Elway stood for quality on the football field, and now his furniture stands for quality.”
It is hard to argue with this. The furniture is very nice. You have some comfortable couches, a heated, massaging recliner, a cherry-wood Elway entertainment center. It all looks sturdy and comfortable and, frankly, like furniture you would love to have when you’re watching a football game. In fact, at some point, this cocktail table catches our eye. We ask if it is part of the Elway Collection, and the woman says it is. This leads to two opposing thoughts:
1. We obviously cannot possibly buy John Elway furniture.
2. The table is half price until Sunday.
You can guess which one of us has which thought. Margo looks hard at the table. She’s got those visualizing eyes — she’s visualizing exactly where it would fit in the house. I decide this is a good time to leave, and we pile into the car, and we start talking about actually buying that table. We talk about buying a piece of John Elway furniture.
While we’re talking — just when she has me just about convinced that this is the perfect table — we go through a McDonald’s drive-through window. I reach for a Diet Coke. The girl in the window fumbles it, and it spills all over me.
Yes, another fumble.
That son of a gun got me again.
Seeing furniture with former Broncos QB’s name on it in this town is uncomfortable
By Joe Posnanski
After years of vigorous therapy, I thought I had put away my unhealthy fear of John Elway forever. It wasn’t easy. For most of my life, John Elway was lurking around every corner, hiding in every shadow, plotting some new way to torture me. He made the Drive. He was there for the Fumble. He beat the Chiefs in the playoffs. He personally beat my sports teams so many times, that I knew it had to be personal.
On my wedding day, I more or less expected John Elway to sneak out from behind the wedding cake and tackle my best man.
Then John Elway retired. He went to the Hall of Fame. I went through a 12-step program. I came to grips with things.
Then they started selling John Elway furniture in Kansas City.
At first, I was sure this had to be a mistake. When the Sunday paper came, there was the usual array of brochures and flyers and pullouts and whatever. One was from Bassett Furniture. They were advertising an “Elway Home Sale,”
I felt certain that this was a different Elway. This was lovable Fred Elway, a kindly furniture maker from Lenoir, N.C., who specializes in rocking chairs. This was Zebediah Elway, a 19th-century Dutch cabinetmaker who came to America with the grand dream of selling his high-quality furniture at a low price. This was Charlotte Ann Elway, a motherly figure who believes everyone should own a leather sectional.
Nope. It was John Elway, all right. There was a photograph of him sitting on an ottoman, holding a football. He had this odd “I’m going to get you” smile on his face.
“Arrrrgghhh!” I shouted.
“What is it?” my wife, Margo, asked. She thought the Kansas City highway people had decided to close the last road to town from the Northland. Who is doing all this construction in Kansas City, General Grant? Is he trying to cut off all our supply lines?
I pointed to the picture of Elway
“They’re … they’re … they’re selling ….”
I couldn’t even get the words out. They are selling John Elway furniture in Kansas City. Repeat: They are selling John Elway furniture here in this town, where for 16 years Elway would come to town, throw darts, elude sacks, fight off tacklers, where for 16 years he won games, broke hearts, destroyed dreams.
The John Elway Home Collection. Are you kidding? What’s next? The Chris Chambliss chaise lounge? The Tyus Edney end table? The Ben Davidson love seat? How about a whole Al Davis Designer Collection coming in three radiant Raiders colors: Biletnikoff Burgundy, Gannon Green or Just Win Baby Blue?
This is not in any way to downgrade the good folks at Bassett. They make fine furniture. They decided a while ago that Elway, being a great quarterback and a two-time Super Bowl champion and all that, would be the perfect person to have his own furniture line. It makes sense.
But not in Kansas City (or Cleveland). How could this work here? We had to find out more. So I piled the wife and kid into the car, and we went to a Bassett Store disguised as an ordinary family.
There were no customers in the store, but a very nice woman met us and took us over to the Elway collection, highlighted by a brown leather sectional with cup holders. She explained that the great thing about the John Elway collection, in addition to the cup holders, is that all styles can be customized to fit in your exact space. I considered asking whether we could customize some furniture for my driveway so I could drive over it every day (Get it? Drive over it) but I thought that would blow our cover.
She gave us a John Elway furniture brochure, which features six photographs of John. There’s “Business John,” where he wears a shirt and tie, “Casual John,” featuring a blue polo and “Good Old John,” where he is sitting in front of his TV with a remote. There is “Happy John” and “Surprised John,” and finally one best described as “Gigolo John,” where he stands with the top few buttons on his shirt unbuttoned.
“Would you like to see the video?” the woman asked us.
Are you kidding? Of course we want to see the video. So, she put it in, and it is outstanding, 3 1/2 stars, I highly recommend it for you and your family. It begins with John in the factory, where he is getting ready to make some furniture. You can tell he’s serious because he is wearing protective goggles. The goggles come in handy a few minutes later when John, without any guidance from a foreman or furniture expert, is seen signing the shirt of a man making furniture. Talk about danger. Hey, if one of the buttons pops off, it could hit you in the eye.
The video hops to an office where John meets with some of the world’s top furniture designers. They show him plans, fabrics, all sorts of things. He nods. They explain their plans. He nods. And then, John springs into action. It’s hard to tell from the video, but it appears that John either offers some of his personal furniture philosophies or he’s just pretending to talk while the camera is on him. In either case, he is authoritative, and there is excellent footage of him handling some sort of Plexiglas-looking material.
“I think we got a lot of good work done today,” he says. The designer agrees. We all try very hard to keep a straight face.
“Are you John Elway fans?” the woman in the store asks.
I sense she is getting suspicious. We admit that we are not Elway fans. But this does not bother her at all. She says there have been a few Chiefs fans who have complained about John Elway furniture being sold in Kansas City. But as she points out, “John Elway stood for quality on the football field, and now his furniture stands for quality.”
It is hard to argue with this. The furniture is very nice. You have some comfortable couches, a heated, massaging recliner, a cherry-wood Elway entertainment center. It all looks sturdy and comfortable and, frankly, like furniture you would love to have when you’re watching a football game. In fact, at some point, this cocktail table catches our eye. We ask if it is part of the Elway Collection, and the woman says it is. This leads to two opposing thoughts:
1. We obviously cannot possibly buy John Elway furniture.
2. The table is half price until Sunday.
You can guess which one of us has which thought. Margo looks hard at the table. She’s got those visualizing eyes — she’s visualizing exactly where it would fit in the house. I decide this is a good time to leave, and we pile into the car, and we start talking about actually buying that table. We talk about buying a piece of John Elway furniture.
While we’re talking — just when she has me just about convinced that this is the perfect table — we go through a McDonald’s drive-through window. I reach for a Diet Coke. The girl in the window fumbles it, and it spills all over me.
Yes, another fumble.
That son of a gun got me again.