Ask Iowanian. Pt II, the Keyboard of Doom

[Iowanian]

Dear Iowanian,
I am graduating from college tomorrow with nothing to show for it but a degree in elementary education. I have no jobs lined up for the up-coming school year. It looks like I'll have to move back in with my parents for lack of money. The only thing in the world that will fill my heart with joy is to be able to go to Chiefs games next season. Alas, I have no job, no money, and no takers on my "deal of a lifetime" to accompany me to the games.
Should I take the job in western Kansas that will leave me miles away from my family and Arrowhead or should I hold out for the other three school districts that are closer to KC and my family but haven't gotten back to me, and probably won't until the last minute if at all?

You have to decide whats more important. I'd remind you that if you sign a contract for the year in Western KS, you're stuck in feedlotville for the duration, even if you get homesick.

Getting a job under your belt and some experience will surely make future job searches easier. If being closer to KC is important to you, I'd hold out, keep pumping out resume's and consider trying to get on somewhere in a district closeby as a fulltime Substitute if nothing else.
The School year is a ways off yet, and I don't think I'd personally be nervous until July.

You can always fall back on that whole Tubgirl website you've been so successful with in the past.

[Iowanian]

It IS the offseason, and pretty slow. In effort to keep me sharp for the arrival of training camp, and the trolls that will challenge for my throne....I challenge you to keep me sharp.

No silly assed questions that gochiefs could handle....Search your mind and if you can come up with something that will challenge the Iowanian's creativity....lay it down. If its worthy...I'll pound it.

[Dinny Bossa Nova]

How long does it take to get to Australia in a row-boat?

P.S. Will there be like, sharks or pirates and stuff?

Dinny

[Dinny Bossa Nova]

How long does it take to get to Australia in a row-boat?

P.S. Will there be like, sharks or pirates and stuff?

Dinny


And one more thing, I don't think I'd have any problem with the pygmies, I'll probably blend right in.

Dinny

[Skip Towne]

That KCChiefsman is really starting to irritate me. What should I do to him?

[Iowanian]

How long does it take to get to Australia in a row-boat?

P.S. Will there be like, sharks or pirates and stuff?

Dinny

Unless you're an Eskimo Whale Spearer who took a really long turn, or a member of Honduras' Navy....Why the Fug would you be trying to take a Row boat to Australia?

[alanm]

Dr. Iowanian, My GF is out of town for the weekend and one of her best friends called up and asked me if I wanted to go with her out to dinner and to a bar afterward to see a band. I think she wants to jump my bones. What should I do?
BTW I'm easy and my GF says all men are sluts. Especially me. ROFL

[Iowanian]

I have 3 questions.
1. How much do you like your girlfiend?
2. Do you really think she's off getting banged like a screen door by some handsome Ethnic dude?
3.Will this chic tell?

You could always take the Clinton Amendment and let her give you a Monica. If you dig your broad...don't....If you think someone is 10" into her lower cavity right now....Time to try your filthy Porno Moves on her.



Speaking of...Do you Know how you KNOW that you're a famous, powerful man in the world?

When someone sucks your dick and it makes THEM famous.

I took an evening stroll and called to the Sky to help me search your Answer..you see, I'm half Indian Shaman.

[WolfDawg]

My brother thinks he is a mule. Should I feel guilty about having him pull a plow every spring?

if you want to make some extra money, there is this farm in washington......

[Mosbonian]

Dr. Iowanian:

I have a couple of questions, so I will break them up to make sure I add to your already excessive consulting fees....

I was driving back from St. Louis today on I-70, stuck in a traffic jam because of the road work being done....while trying to enjoy my 3 MPH trek from the outskirts of STL to when the traffic jam finally broke in Wentzville, I came upon a rather obnoxious driver. Now, normally I would write this off to the driver being from St. Loser and just say "That figures" and drive on. But this culprit-idiot had license plates from Iowa.

First the culprit-idiot sped by me and several other cars using the shoulder as his passing lane....now normally I get pissed off enough with just seeing that, but the buttface slid right in front of me and then hit his brakes!!! Being the understanding type of person I am, I decided to use all my fingers when waving at him the first time, trying to show him a little of the Mizzou hospitality and cutting him a little slack. But once wasn't enough for the corn-fed goofball....next he proceeds to try and slide over to the next lane left, but after realizing that it wasn't going any faster he makes a sharp cut back into my lane and hits his brakes again.....this time I decided that I would show him his intelligent quotient by utilizing only one finger in waving at him. Next, in one of the more brilliant traffic movements that I have witnessed in my long life, he swerved back out to his "shoulder lane" and proceeded to rear-end an automobile that was broken down at the side of the road. Now, after ensuring all of his passengers were fine, I rolled my window down to exlpain to him that he was lucky no one was hurt He, in turn, returned the favor by giving me the 'you're number one" salute back.

So here's the question....knowing that you are all things Iowa, and can spot a pretender in a heartbeat, I wanted to see if this guy was a "true" Iowanian.....here's what i can tell you about him:

1) He was driving a Ford Taurus that had a Kerry-Edwards bumper sticker on the back...

2) There was also a sticker that read "Wander Indiana" (isn't that also on the Indiana license platers)

3) He got out of the car wearing a pair of pants that should only be worn on a secluded golf course....

Now, from what I have given you, is this gentleman truly from your home state?

mmaddog
*******

[Mosbonian]

Now, my second, and more intriguing question....

Last week, on another one of my many business jaunts here in the Midwest, I was staying at an unnamed, but well-known national Hotel chain. When I checked in, I noticed that they were having a convention that seemed to be attracting a great deal of attention. After checking into my room I decided to wander down to the Mini-Convention Center to see what the attraction was.

To my grand surprise the convention was the Midwest Amateur Adult Movie convention!!! Imagine my surprise when I got to the end of the Hall and noticed that most of the outifts that the "ahem, Ladies" were wearing were great attire for the motel room, but not necessarily the convention floor. When I reached the end of the corridor, I was met by a couple of tree trunks with legs and his fellow Sasquatch and advised that unless I had a pass that I would not be able to even mingle at the entrance to the convention room. Seeing that they both could have used my body in a javelin toss event, i decided that I would retreat and watch the crowd coming and going from the safety of my room. (Did I mention that my room overlooked the parking area where I could get a good look at all those who were coming and going?)

Now, for my question....

Seeing how I prescribe to the "Al Bundy theory" that if something this good happens in your life, disaster is sure to follow should you expect to enjoy the simple pleasure, was I smart in retreating to my room to view from a safe vantage point, or should I have risked life and limb to find my way in, just on the small chance that some future porn star would find me irresistable?

mmaddog
*******

[Iowanian]

mmdog,

I don't know what to tell you about your first question. Its quite possible it was some offbreed Ioweegian instead of a purebread Iowanian. I spent my evening at a county fair demolition derby, and I'll be the first to admit if I occasionally wondered if I had accidently stumbled into an Arkansas Family reunion. I'd have considered it a contribution to society had you run the jerkoff into a grader ditch. I assume that in your situation, I'd have at least "mutherfuggered" the clown, as I cut off his route on the shoulder. You were within your right to have stabbed him through the earhole with a tire iron as he passed. I'm guessing someone loaned their car to Slayer again.



As to your second dilema...the obvious answer to gain access, would have been for you to have to drop your trousers, wedge your tighty whities up into a he-thong and strutted into Fat-over 40-please-bang-my-wife-ville.

The real issue is, why you haven't posted the name of the convention and city, so that other posters could search via google to locate the obvious flood of new "documentaries" of the convention.

[Iowanian]

I have a large pile of boring work that needs to be avoided, and a brain in need of creative stimulation.

challenge me fools........make them worthy of the bandwidth.

[Mark M]

Dear Dr. Iowanian --
In my experience, women should not be allowed to drive any vehicle larger than a Honda Civic. I'm tired of going 50 mph in the left lane behind some soccer mom who can't get her Expedition to the speed limit ... and waiting for some dance recital mom to figure out how to park her Suburban without having to pull forward two inches, then back a foot, forward three inces, back 2 centimeters, etc.

Does that make me a sexist?

MM
~~:hmmm:

[Goapics1]

My pecker has been sore lately. Do I have a sports hernia?

[Iowanian]

Dear Dr. Iowanian --
In my experience, women should not be allowed to drive any vehicle larger than a Honda Civic. I'm tired of going 50 mph in the left lane behind some soccer mom who can't get her Expedition to the speed limit ... and waiting for some dance recital mom to figure out how to park her Suburban without having to pull forward two inches, then back a foot, forward three inces, back 2 centimeters, etc.

Does that make me a sexist?

MM
~~:hmmm:

Of course not Mark, If you were actually sexist, you would have suggested the broads should be in the kitchen, making thier man a pie, instead of being so generous as to allow a Honda Civic.

They should consider you a true champion for thier cause given this statement, and the fact that you watched "beaches" on purpose.

[Iowanian]

My pecker has been sore lately. Do I have a sports hernia?

Its highly doubtful, its far more likely it is from the unlubricated reacharound you pats fans have been getting from the Sports media the past 5 years. Unless Madden is eating some fried chicken sunday, Its probable that you'll have a blister worn on your Pickle helmet.

[Bowser]

My pecker has been sore lately. Do I have a sports hernia?

Come on. You know you just have to cut back on the soap in the shower.

[Goapics1]

you pats fans

WTF?

[RealSNR]

Dear Doctorwanian:

What should the Chiefs do with Priest?

SNR

[Iowanian]

That is a difficult question at this particular time. I see posturing by the organization and the player. A wise person would suggest waiting the 30+ days to let Priest have the evaluations, and if the doctors allow it, and he is willing to do it, bring him back for 1 more year with the understanding that he would be in more of a Marshall Faulk-3rd down-Goal line Specialist role with the team, where he would retire in the most cap-assisting way possible, allowing him to keep enough of the signing bonus to thank him for his time.

If He or his doctors determine he can no longer play, I'd ask for half of the signing bonus back for the contract he never began, and thank him kindly for his services.

[Saulbadguy]

Dear DR IOWANAINW (spider spelling)

Does Free Will exist?

[Baby Lee]

If you've got a problem, yo Ahll Solve it, check out my hooks, while DJ revolves it..tss tss ts tss tst
It ain't the same. We put that tss in there. It's different.

[sedated]

Why is Kendrell Bell such a fat-ass loser?

Will he ever make a play or bring anything positive to this organization?

Can we hunt him down and force him to get on a treadmill?

[Iowanian]

Dear DR IOWANAINW (spider spelling)

Does Free Will exist?

since you used the spiduhr spelling, I'll give the answer I'd give that turd.

"haha....Honest mistake little buddy, but I think you meant "GOOD WILL", and that store is on 2nd Ave and has all the vintage 1991 sleeveless teeshirts you can buy for a quarter"

[RedThat]

Dr.Iowanian I have the flu. What is the best thing to do?

[Iowanian]

drink some OJ, rub one out and go to bed.

[Mr. Kotter]

Dear Iowanian,

I've been through drama queen rehab, but I've been fighting major temptations of late. They are becoming increasingly difficult to suppress. Any advice?

Sincerely, SDChiefsfan

[Iowanian]

Don't.

Or do....but wait for a day when the Sharks are board.

[Mosbonian]

Dr. Iowanian:

Recently my friends have told me that they have noticed a distinct change in my personality, like I have become a bit more docile...more tame than I used to be. Some have even threatened to repossess my nickname and give it to someone "more deserving"....

What can I do to show them I am still the same overtly aggressive obnoxious Chief's fan that i have always been?

mmaddog?
*******

[Iowanian]

Kick them in the baows for no reason at all, just because the room gets quiet.

[Iowanian]

Search your souls for a question, worthy of the keyboard of doooooooooooooom.

[RealSNR]

Search your souls for a question, worthy of the keyboard of doooooooooooooom.What measures do you predict Carl/Lamar will take to get the friggin rolling roof in KC?

[Iowanian]

Carl will implement A simple 5 year plan to the superbowl, paid for with the extra revenue brought in from the new roof, which allows Lamar the Cash to finally compete in the FA market. Duh.

[Gonzo]

Will the Royals ever have a winning record???

[Iowanian]

Not in your lifetime.

[Skip Towne]

Will the Royals ever have a winning record???
Maybe. But they'll have a new first name.

[Bowser]

Is "WTF" a worthy question?

[cadmonkey]

iS IT ACCEPTABLE TO CONTINUE WRITING IN ALL CAPS IF YOU NOTICE IT HALF WAY THROUGH YOUR POST? oR SHOULD YOU GO BACK AND FIX IT?

[Bowser]

That looks damned good, Delt.

[Iowanian]

iS IT ACCEPTABLE TO CONTINUE WRITING IN ALL CAPS IF YOU NOTICE IT HALF WAY THROUGH YOUR POST? oR SHOULD YOU GO BACK AND FIX IT?


IF YOU WANT ME TO READ YOUR POSTS IN "GILBERT GODFRIED" YOU SHOULD ACTUALLY CONSIDAAA POSTING IN ALL CAPITAAAL LETTAAHS.

[Saulbadguy]

Dear Pharmacist Ed:

I got a new job, and there really isn't a whole lot to do. I've been told it's "slow", and they are giving me time to get my feet wet, but all i've been doing lately is surfing.

However, I notice that everyone else is pretty much..doing the same thing all day. Should I push the issue to get more stuff to do, or "go with the flow"?

[Baby Lee]

IF YOU WANT ME TO READ YOUR POSTS IN "GILBERT GODFRIED" YOU SHOULD ACTUALLY CONSIDAAA POSTING IN ALL CAPITAAAL LETTAAHS.
['Dice' Gilbert]What are you a HO-MOEEE - DAAOOOOOOO!!!!!
Mary Mary . . . sucked my Schgweegggieee-gigggy GOOOOOO!!!![/'D' G]

[Mr. Kotter]

Dear Pharmacist Ed:

I got a new job, and there really isn't a whole lot to do. I've been told it's "slow", and they are giving me time to get my feet wet, but all i've been doing lately is surfing.

However, I notice that everyone else is pretty much..doing the same thing all day. Should I push the issue to get more stuff to do, or "go with the flow"?


You have to ASK this question??? :spock:

[Iowanian]

Congratulations on the new found employment. I know that when I'm board at work, the days go slow and one can only do so much surfing without becoming board.

A time when there isn't much to do, is the best time to sniff out potential problems in your future tasks and research or work on better ways to do the tasks assigned to you, or develop something to help the organization.

Spend this time working on something to improve your work situation, a task or put together something that will if nothing else, make you look good to your boss. I'd recommend something as simple as adding pretty "forms" and reports to existing DBs. Its also a good time to look into user groups, conferences, seminars, classes in person or online, that will assist in your abilities, skills and professional development.

This may help you do your job more efficiently, impress your employer and give you a boost towards more financial reward and professional advancement. You've got a large cranium, there is room for more knowledge if you drain off some of the water.

Thats how I roll.

that, or just post alot on Chiefsplanet.




Dear Pharmacist Ed:

I got a new job, and there really isn't a whole lot to do. I've been told it's "slow", and they are giving me time to get my feet wet, but all i've been doing lately is surfing.

However, I notice that everyone else is pretty much..doing the same thing all day. Should I push the issue to get more stuff to do, or "go with the flow"?

This thread is yet another example of how Iowanian ruined Chiefsplanet.

[Easy 6]

Cool thread, i dont remember seeing it. I was unaware of the life counselor in our midst......


My question is twofold...

1) My daughter is 16 & now at the dating age...HELP ME!!!

2) My son is 15 and wants to start a band...any helpful hints???

[Iowanian]

I feel for your situation Scott, I really do. As a father of a daughter, I've already accepted the fact that I'm prepared to go to prison if need be when she turns 15.

My plan, is to purchase a blank tombstone and have it engraved "your name here" and an epitaph that reads like "here lies the stinking bones of the first boy to show my daughter his unit".

I think when meeting any young man in pursuit you just have to softly say "if she ever sees your pickle, I'll cut it off".

The trick is making them believe it.

As for your son's band.....send him to band camp. I've got no other advice than to remind him that those panty throwers are someone's daughter.

[Flustrated]

Cool thread, i dont remember seeing it. I was unaware of the life counselor in our midst......


My question is twofold...

1) My daughter is 16 & now at the dating age...HELP ME!!!

2) My son is 15 and wants to start a band...any helpful hints???


Simple solution:

Talk your daughter into liking rock stars by using reverse psychology,"Honey, I really hate musicians" then when she takes the bait, let your son start a band, move to Arkasas, Mississippi, or imbreeding state of your choice.

Just think, when she spends over night at his house, at least you'll know where she is! ROFL

[Easy 6]

I feel for your situation Scott, I really do. As a father of a daughter, I've already accepted the fact that I'm prepared to go to prison if need be when she turns 15.

My plan, is to purchase a blank tombstone and have it engraved "your name here" and an epitaph that reads like "here lies the stinking bones of the first boy to show my daughter his unit".

I think when meeting any young man in pursuit you just have to softly say "if she ever sees your pickle, I'll cut it off".

The trick is making them believe it.

As for your son's band.....send him to band camp. I've got no other advice than to remind him that those panty throwers are someone's daughter.


Thanx Iowanian, i will make arrangements for that tombstone tomorrow and his pickle will be fed to a dog.

[Easy 6]

Simple solution:

Talk your daughter into liking rock stars by using reverse psychology,"Honey, I really hate musicians" then when she takes the bait, let your son start a band, move to Arkasas, Mississippi, or imbreeding state of your choice.

Just think, when she spends over night at his house, at least you'll know where she is! ROFL


Tell ya what f*cker, i would advise you to leave my family out of your jokes.

Go f*ck your mother

[Easy 6]

Simple solution:

Talk your daughter into liking rock stars by using reverse psychology,"Honey, I really hate musicians" then when she takes the bait, let your son start a band, move to Arkasas, Mississippi, or imbreeding state of your choice.

Just think, when she spends over night at his house, at least you'll know where she is! ROFL


Well, here goes...i just wanted to take a moment to "thank" those who repped this twunt for taking a swipe at my kids, i can handle any kind of insult thrown my way...but i expect the dirty jokes involving anyones kids to stay locked away.

I would never take sick shots at ANYONES kids here, no matter how much i cant stand them. If i get gang tackled for posting this then so be it......but i'm not going to sit & say nothing when i find out that some here thought it was funny.

So those that found it funny just put me on iggy & i'll do the same. There is no place IMO for shots like this even on a wild board like the Planet. Maybe i hold myself to a different standard, i dont know.

Bottom line is that the "joke" was pathetic, whether it happens online or in real life, i take insults to my children very seriously.

Its especially weird in light of the fact that i have given this dickhead NO reason to blindside my family like that, was hardly aware of his existence.

If you must, make fun of me not my kids......and speaking of "imbreeding" & "Arkasas", what school did you attend f*ckface???

[milkman]

Well, here goes...i just wanted to take a moment to "thank" those who repped this twunt for taking a swipe at my kids, i can handle any kind of insult thrown my way...but i expect the dirty jokes involving anyones kids to stay locked away.

I would never take sick shots at ANYONES kids here, no matter how much i cant stand them. If i get gang tackled for posting this then so be it......but i'm not going to sit & say nothing when i find out that some here thought it was funny.

So those that found it funny just put me on iggy & i'll do the same. There is no place IMO for shots like this even on a wild board like the Planet. Maybe i hold myself to a different standard, i dont know.

Bottom line is that the "joke" was pathetic, whether it happens online or in real life, i take insults to my children very seriously.

Its especially weird in light of the fact that i have given this dickhead NO reason to blindside my family like that, was hardly aware of his existence.

If you must, make fun of me not my kids......and speaking of "imbreeding" & "Arkasas", what school did you attend f*ckface???

While I don't think his joke is funny, I also don't believe there was any hostility toward you intended.

Your overreaction will likely spark a lot of contentious posts toward you.

[Easy 6]

While I don't think his joke is funny, I also don't believe there was any hostility toward you intended.

Your overreaction will likely spark a lot of contentious posts toward you.


Well the joke included my daughter & son being "together", i dont see how i could have taken it any other way. Iowanian didnt try to turn it into something gross.

As for nastygrams from people, i am prepared for that, if i cant take some shit for defending my kids honor then i dont deserve them.

I guess the moral of this story is do not mention ones kids on a message board, it will only invite people to take unnecessary shots.

[Bwana]

Dear Iowanian: The more I see of Al Davis, the more I am convinced he has been dead for well over two years. I have a theory that after his death, they had him stuffed like a fine elk mount and or a Christmas goose. When they show various angles of Davis in any given sky box there isn't much movement. No more movement than can be explained by a few simple strings. :hmmm:

Please view a recent snap shot of Davis and let me know what you think!

[2112]

Dear Iowanian: The more I see of Al Davis, the more I am convinced he has been dead for well over two years. I have a theory that after his death, they had him stuffed like a fine elk mount and or a Christmas goose. When they show various angles of Davis in any given sky box there isn't much movement. No more movement than can be explained by a few simple strings. :hmmm:

Please view a recent snap shot of Davis and let me know what you think!
Here you go bud.. ;)
http://espndeportes-att.espn.go.com/2003/photos2006/0525/a_davis_vt.jpg

[Bwana]

Here you go bud.. ;)
http://espndeportes-att.espn.go.com/2003/photos2006/0525/a_davis_vt.jpg

As I suspected, he's dead!!

[CHIEF4EVER]

Dear Iowanian:

I have a female fitness trainer (our company has only female trainers) who is so hot the mere sight of her makes me sport more wood than the Redwood Forest. Thus far she hasn't noticed this at an awkward time but this could eventualy become a problem if I try to bench with a flagpole poking up the front of my shorts like Ringling Bros Big Top. She is a great fitness trainer an I don't want to offend her. Advice?

[Iowanian]

c4E.....

You've got a common problem. Its got an easy sollution too. As part of your "pre workout stretches"...rub the butter out of the breadstick.

you'll be relaxed for your workout, and the problem won't be visible.

Doing this particular stretch in the locker room or in the gym might have negative consequences though.

[Iowanian]

Anyone want to pull this rope and see if there is still any gas in it?

[crazycoffey]

I hear there's a problem with uranus....

[2112]

Dear ''Keyboard of doom'',

What can be done to speed up this off-season?

[luv]

Anyone want to pull this rope and see if there is still any gas in it?
I thought I was supposed to pull your finger?

[StcChief]

Keyboard of Doom..... can you reverse the 6 more weeks of winter I'm tired of it.

[Iowanian]

I hear there's a problem with uranus....

Physicians I have surveyed have assured me that the uncomfortable pressure feeling will subside from uranus once your head is sufficiently removed from within its vast cavity.

[Iowanian]

Dear ''Keyboard of doom'',

What can be done to speed up this off-season?

There are many suitable suggestions. Some may recommend purchasing a box of tampons or a tube of valtrex, as allegedly having gential herpes and menstrual cramps lead to high diving, horse riding, mountain biking and any assortment of enjoyable activities that these products, which apparently also make you beautiful can provide.

I'll offer a torrid affair with a freaky deee-vorse-ay, ski trip to colorado or long weekend in a warmer climate to assist in alleviating your problem.

I too suffer from this ailment, and at the *suggestion* of brideowanian am choosing to work extra unbillable hours, and remodeling a bathroom and tiling an entry way in my home

[Iowanian]

I thought I was supposed to pull your finger?


The appendix you find protruding from the bottom of the box of popcorn with the planeteer of the week, is very likely not a philange.

[Iowanian]

Keyboard of Doom..... can you reverse the 6 more weeks of winter I'm tired of it.

As it turns out, being the owner/operator of the keyboard of doom, does not come with a key to Mother nature's workshop, even if I may have have been forced to copulate her and pee in her butt at some point to attain my current status.


Find something in your local community which requires volunteers. Its time now to plan the projects they'll be working on in the spring.

[J Diddy]

Dear Abby wannabe

[Iowanian]

Dear Abby wannabe

Sure thing, Puffy.

[luv]

The appendix you find protruding from the bottom of the box of popcorn with the planeteer of the week, is very likely not a philange.
That was kind of inappropriate.

[2112]

Dear ''Keyboard of doom'',

I have a bad habit of eating raisin bran crunch for breakfast before I fly. unfortunately the raisins give me gawd awful foul gas. that, along with the combination of my intestines being squeezed from the cabin pressurization causes a lethal combination for my fellow passengers. I have a flight scheduled for next month, what am I to do?

[Simplex3]

I have a flight scheduled for next month, what am I to do?
Not sure what The Keyboard of Doom thinks, but you could try just leaving your butt plug in.

NTTAWWT

[Bugeater]

That was kind of inappropriate.
Well what in the hell did you expect?

[Mr. Plow]

My 8 year anniversary is next Tuesday......anything special I should do?

[Iowanian]

That was kind of inappropriate.


Hello,
My name is Iowanian. Have we met? Sometimes, the keyboard has a mind of its own, takes over the words displayed on the bb. Its like I don't even have any control over what I'm mooing.


Some assembly is required for this product, however on a thread in which the first handful of questions are "Does your wife snort during sex" should give you a clue that this isn't a Lane Giant "free pedicure for plus sized models" day.

[Iowanian]

Dear ''Keyboard of doom'',

I have a bad habit of eating raisin bran crunch for breakfast before I fly. unfortunately the raisins give me gawd awful foul gas. that, along with the combination of my intestines being squeezed from the cabin pressurization causes a lethal combination for my fellow passengers. I have a flight scheduled for next month, what am I to do?


Assuming its not a flight I'm using, I hope its Southwest, Eat 2 bowls and when you have your opportunity to use the new seat selection method, sit down next to the fat guy who already smells like Sour Milk or the cab-driver-American and let er rip.

After all, the preflight speech is very clear that should cabin pressure become an issue, oxygen masks with descend from the ceiling for each passenger to place over their face. Although the bag may not appear to inflate, oxygen is getting to you.

Better yet, eat some craisins on the in flight snack.....and walk up and fart by first class. It's the "abercrombie in the sky" and we all know how much dr i owa nian enjoys flatulating by Abercrombie folks.

[Phobia]

My 8 year anniversary is next Tuesday......anything special I should do?

Have you given her the gift of a vasectomy yet?

[Simplex3]

Have you given her the gift of a vasectomy yet?
I believe that would be a gift for the gene pool as well.

[Simply Red]

hmm, I bought a warehouse worker one hundred dollars worth of groceries. He's from Ukraine and doesn't make shit, makes an effort to learn our language and recently he received two traffic violations. I stepped up because I felt it was the right thing to do.

[DBO82]

My 8 year anniversary is next Tuesday......anything special I should do?

Donkey punch.

Something you both can enjoy.

[Phobia]

hmm, I bought a warehouse worker one hundred dollars worth of groceries. He's from Ukraine and doesn't make shit, makes an effort to learn our language and recently he received two traffic violations. I stepped up because I felt it was the right thing to do.
Nice. I try to take care of my workers because only one of them makes anything at all. I do what I can even though it's usually not very much.

[Bob Dole]

That was kind of inappropriate.

,,

[Simply Red]

Nice. I try to take care of my workers because only one of them makes anything at all. I do what I can even though it's usually not very much.
Yeah, it broke my heart when he said he needed help finding out how much his tickets/citations were. He eats ramen-noodles everyday NTTAWWT, I do to SOMETIMES, He has this old jean-jacket on when it's freezing... I couldn't stand it anymore. He was looking at this unframed picture of New York in my office that was still in the film/wrapped. He commented how cool he thought it was and I told him that it's his and to go put it in his car. It was nothing from me and meant the world to him.

[Phobia]

Yeah, it broke my heart when he said he needed help finding out how much his tickets/citations were. He eats ramen-noodles everyday NTTAWWT, I do to SOMETIMES, He has this old jean-jacket on when it's freezing... I couldn't stand it anymore. He was looking at this unframed picture of New York in my office that was still in the film/wrapped. He commented how cool he thought it was and I told him that it's his and to go put it in his car. It was nothing from me and meant the world to him.

That's great. Take your picture back and get him a coat.

[Simply Red]

That's great. Take your picture back and get him a coat.
It's in the car w/ the groceries I'm taking in tomorrow.

[Phobia]

Outstanding. I'd give you some meaningless rep but I'll just shake your hand next time you're in town. You're good people.

[Iowanian]

My 8 year anniversary is next Tuesday......anything special I should do?


I looked at the traditional wedding gift chart for year 8 and its recommended "poetry".

http://www.poetrygift.com/traditional.html


I'm going to recommend that if you choose that route, you allow fax or myself to compose it, with the stipulation that it include the prase "Anniversary Hole"......and you post her reaction for the Review of Chiefsplanet.

[Iowanian]

hmm, I bought a warehouse worker one hundred dollars worth of groceries. He's from Ukraine and doesn't make shit, makes an effort to learn our language and recently he received two traffic violations. I stepped up because I felt it was the right thing to do.

Thats great, but you took a left the turn before the "do the right thing" thread.

This is the thread in which I make improper suggestions to people to be an asshole.


The coat is a great touch.....and appropriate.

[Iowanian]

Luv,

read through the entire thread, and count on your hand the responses that aren't taking a poke at someone. An ice dounut might help with that butthurt. Please apply pressure until the itching subsides.

[luv]

Luv,

read through the entire thread, and count on your hand the responses that aren't taking a poke at someone. An ice dounut might help with that butthurt. Please apply pressure until the itching subsides.
Eh, maybe Im just pms'ing or something. People find creative ways to say the same thing that always gets said. Point is, they're still saying the same thing. Maybe it's time that I do something else stupid, just to catch some different flack. :)

[crazycoffey]

Physicians I have surveyed have assured me that the uncomfortable pressure feeling will subside from uranus once your head is sufficiently removed from within its vast cavity.



well then, how do I pull my head out of my arse....

[Iowanian]

CC,

Its been indicated by your refering physician that yours is indeed a difficult case, as the shoulders have begun to sink.

I'm going to recommend 3-4 Tylenol prior to arrival, and find a couple of your Agrarian-American friends who can operate the following device. If they continue with steady pressure and don't stop, your won't become hiplocked and run out of air.

http://www.gilgray.com.au/vink/images/jack.jpg

[crazycoffey]

that did it!

[Iowanian]

Congratulations. Now zip on up here and help me go outside and dig out these effing snowdrifts.

[crazycoffey]

Congratulations. Now zip on up here and help me go outside and dig out these effing snowdrifts.


I'd love too, but -um, my back hurts, it was all bent out of shape up till a few seconds ago.....

[Bearcat]

That's one of the funniest deleted posts I've ever seen, but on to my question...

Dear Dr. Doom,

I’ll be traveling to Detroit soon for business. Having watched Kentucky Fried Movie a few times, I know it's similar to the 7th layer of hell, minus central heating. What are some tips -- or some do’s and don’ts -- that I should either use to prepare or follow while I’m there, in order to come home without any souvenir gunshot wounds?

Sincerely,

Potential Homicide Case #9249671

[Dinny Bossa Nova]

Dear Dr. Iowanian,

The locals here at the Lake Of The Ozarks really hate the tourists. They wonder why if it is tourist season, we can't shoot 'em?

The locals also say that the tourists from Iowa are the worst of the lot, and believe that IOWA is an acronym for Idiots Out Wondering Around.

I don't really know why, and am hoping you could enlighten me.

I'll hang up now and listen off the air, thanx in advance.

Dinny

[Simply Red]

Dear Dr. Iowanian,

The locals here at the Lake Of The Ozarks really hate the tourists. They wonder why if it is tourist season, we can't shoot 'em?

The locals also say that the tourists from Iowa are the worst of the lot, and believe that IOWA is an acronym for Idiots Out Wondering Around.

I don't really know why, and am hoping you could enlighten me.

I'll hang up now and listen off the air, thanx in advance.

Dinny
he said "tourists"
as if it's Melbourne or something.

[Iowanian]

By "Locals" are you refering to the yokels, or the financially secure arseholes who migrated their with their penile-compensating boats to live on the lake?

Dislike for Iowans likely stems from our high literacy rates and full sets of teeth. I doubt many of them would like the income at local businesses, demand for services and goods, realestate prices, tax rates and lack of infrastructure being paid for by fuel, hotel, sales, Local Option sales taxes, as well as financial contribution to the communities during our visits.

Next time this topic arises, tell them that this Iowanian considers the Ozarks a flyover territory on the way to a real lake, that resides on the Arkansas-Mo boarder. Invite them to fornicate their relative of choice in the location that makes their orthadontist cringe.


Dear Dr. Iowanian,

The locals here at the Lake Of The Ozarks really hate the tourists. They wonder why if it is tourist season, we can't shoot 'em?

The locals also say that the tourists from Iowa are the worst of the lot, and believe that IOWA is an acronym for Idiots Out Wondering Around.

I don't really know why, and am hoping you could enlighten me.

I'll hang up now and listen off the air, thanx in advance.

Dinny

[Iowanian]

Detroit could indeed be the Taint of the United States.

According to recent movies, should you be approached by an unsavory group, they're only there to challenge you to a dance fight, or maybe a rap battle.

Should this situation arise, be sure to include any number of previously posted iowani-lines to dis' dem propa.



Dear Dr. Doom,

I’ll be traveling to Detroit soon for business. Having watched Kentucky Fried Movie a few times, I know it's similar to the 7th layer of hell, minus central heating. What are some tips -- or some do’s and don’ts -- that I should either use to prepare or follow while I’m there, in order to come home without any souvenir gunshot wounds?

Sincerely,

Potential Homicide Case #9249671

[Nzoner]

Dear Dr Doom,

Next month I will once again be traveling to Las Vegas and need your help.You see each time I go I cannot help but be drawn to the sportsbook to bet on the KC Chiefs.Be it a game in season or a futures bet to win it all I can't seem to just say no and am drawn like a moth to light that this will be the one,my ticket that will finally hit.Alas,it never works out and I am left with nothing but the dreams of what good my money could have done elsewhere.

Please help me as I need to overcome this battle and turn and walk away.

[Skip Towne]

By "Locals" are you refering to the yokels, or the financially secure arseholes who migrated their with their penile-compensating boats to live on the lake?

Dislike for Iowans likely stems from our high literacy rates and full sets of teeth. I doubt many of them would like the income at local businesses, demand for services and goods, realestate prices, tax rates and lack of infrastructure being paid for by fuel, hotel, sales, Local Option sales taxes, as well as financial contribution to the communities during our visits.

Next time this topic arises, tell them that this Iowanian considers the Ozarks a flyover territory on the way to a real lake, that resides on the Arkansas-Mo boarder. Invite them to fornicate their relative of choice in the location that makes their orthadontist cringe.
Iowa? We call that Ohio around here.

[Iowanian]

Nzoner.....

When I am rolling the bones, on a come out point, I play a nickle world, betting the horn and 7 to cover myself should boxcards pop up.

This is my advice to you. Should you feel the need to bet on the Chiefs during your trip, bet the "Under" on season total wins, unless its 5 or less. The Nickle world bet for you in this situation is....should the Chiefs have a good season, you'll be happy and not give as thought to your lost money.

[Dinny Bossa Nova]

By "Locals" are you refering to the yokels, or the financially secure arseholes who migrated their with their penile-compensating boats to live on the lake?

Dislike for Iowans likely stems from our high literacy rates and full sets of teeth. I doubt many of them would like the income at local businesses, demand for services and goods, realestate prices, tax rates and lack of infrastructure being paid for by fuel, hotel, sales, Local Option sales taxes, as well as financial contribution to the communities during our visits.

Next time this topic arises, tell them that this Iowanian considers the Ozarks a flyover territory on the way to a real lake, that resides on the Arkansas-Mo boarder. Invite them to fornicate their relative of choice in the location that makes their orthadontist cringe.

Spot on. I think they're aware of the economic impact, but I also think their parents are very close.

Now I need to know why I think it's so funny when Bob Dole calls somebody a dipshit or Donger interviews somebody.

It would be even funnier if there was a way to determine who had been called a dipshit the most number of times and have the winner interviewed by Donger.

Dinny

[2112]

Dear ''Keyboard of doom'',

What is your opinion of Buckinkaeding ''the poster''

[luv]

Dear Keyboard of Doom-

Just suspended the ex's phone line and went down to a smaller plan on my cell phone. Took less than an hour for at&t to call to let me know that he had tried to access my account. He's called me several times from another phone, but I'm at work. I will not answer and get into it with him here. He left a voicemail, so I'll listen to that after work. Any good tidbits on what I should say when he calls tonight?

[tooge]

I hate people and I am not sure what to do about it. I really would rather not go to jail. Thanks.

[FAX]

Dear Dr. Doom:

Serious question here.

We have a neighbor across the street who has recently acquired a small dog who is, apparently, kept out-of-doors and yaps continually, incessantly, relentlessly and without let up both day and night. Did I mention it never stops? I'm certain that someone has already contacted the home owners' association, but the asshole dog continues to bark in its high-pitched, shrill, and extremely aggrevating manner so it's safe to assume that the association is doing nothing about it.

To make matters worse, the dog is in their back yard which is enclosed by a very high, wooden fence that would be difficult, if not impossible, to breach without a ladder. Also, the fence prevents me from getting a good shot at the little bastard. What should I do?

FAX

[triple]

Dear Keyboard of Doom-

Just suspended the ex's phone line and went down to a smaller plan on my cell phone. Took less than an hour for at&t to call to let me know that he had tried to access my account. He's called me several times from another phone, but I'm at work. I will not answer and get into it with him here. He left a voicemail, so I'll listen to that after work. Any good tidbits on what I should say when he calls tonight?

why are you paying for his phone?

tell him he's a big boy and can open a new account and pay for it himself.

[luv]

why are you paying for his phone?

tell him he's a big boy and can open a new account and pay for it himself.

Looong story, but I'm just fed up with being nice. He may be 34, but he acts the same age as his girlfriend, which is 17.

[triple]

what does he do? he is 34 and can't pay a phone bill?

[luv]

what does he do? he is 34 and can't pay a phone bill?

Right now, he's collecting unemployment. He might have an IT job at a hospital in Osage Beach. Yeah. I'll believe it when I see it.

[FAX]

I have a question for you, Mr. Dr. Doom. Why aren't you answering these questions?

FAX

[Bootlegged]

Dear Dr. Doom:

Serious question here.

We have a neighbor across the street who has recently acquired a small dog who is, apparently, kept out-of-doors and yaps continually, incessantly, relentlessly and without let up both day and night. Did I mention it never stops? I'm certain that someone has already contacted the home owners' association, but the asshole dog continues to bark in its high-pitched, shrill, and extremely aggrevating manner so it's safe to assume that the association is doing nothing about it.

To make matters worse, the dog is in their back yard which is enclosed by a very high, wooden fence that would be difficult, if not impossible, to breach without a ladder. Also, the fence prevents me from getting a good shot at the little bastard. What should I do?

FAX

The fence impedes your ability to shoot, but not to lob. Try lobbing.

[FAX]

The fence impedes your ability to shoot, but not to lob. Try lobbing.

I like lobbing. Lobbing's good. What am I lobbing, though, Mr. Bootlegged?

I suppose I could lob a poisoned bone or something in there. But, to be honest, I'm not inclined to do that. Murdering dogs is sort of against what remains of my moral code. Unless it's some kind of rabid, deadly, attack dog that's trying to kill me or somebody else I like. Or one of those devil dogs like in The Omen. I'd probably be okay with murdering one of those. This, however, appears to be some kind of little dog - just a loud, shrill, obnoxious one with tons of stamina.

FAX

[Bootlegged]

I like lobbing. Lobbing's good. What am I lobbing, though, Mr. Bootlegged?

I suppose I could lob a poisoned bone or something in there. But, to be honest, I'm not inclined to do that. Murdering dogs is sort of against what remains of my moral code. Unless it's some kind of rabid, deadly, attack dog that's trying to kill me or somebody else I like. Or one of those devil dogs like in The Omen. I'd probably be okay with murdering one of those. This, however, appears to be some kind of little dog - just a loud, shrill, obnoxious one with tons of stamina.

FAX

The Something About Mary technique has been proven effective in these situations.

[FAX]

The Something About Mary technique has been proven effective in these situations.

Ah! The "Something About Mary" technique! Why didn't I think of that? Of course! The "Something About Mary" technique is bound to work!!

.... uh ... if you don't mind, Mr. Bootlegged ... what exactly is The "Something About Mary" technique?

FAX

[Iowanian]

I've been doing man-stuff. I am now parenting. Your concerns will be adressed with effort after food, bath and books, one of which may include "9 little monkeys" and the 34,000th reading this year of "night before Christmas".

[Bootlegged]

Ah! The "Something About Mary" technique! Why didn't I think of that? Of course! The "Something About Mary" technique is bound to work!!

.... uh ... if you don't mind, Mr. Bootlegged ... what exactly is The "Something About Mary" technique?

FAX

Loading tranquilizers into dog treats and lobbing them in the direction of the K9.

[Bootlegged]

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[FAX]

I've been doing man-stuff. I am now parenting. Your concerns will be adressed with effort after food, bath and books, one of which may include "9 little monkeys" and the 34,000th reading this year of "night before Christmas".

9 Little Monkeys? Please, Mr. Iowanian. Have pity on the children.

FAX

[SAUTO]

By "Locals" are you refering to the yokels, or the financially secure arseholes who migrated their with their penile-compensating boats to live on the lake?

Dislike for Iowans likely stems from our high literacy rates and full sets of teeth. I doubt many of them would like the income at local businesses, demand for services and goods, realestate prices, tax rates and lack of infrastructure being paid for by fuel, hotel, sales, Local Option sales taxes, as well as financial contribution to the communities during our visits.

Next time this topic arises, tell them that this Iowanian considers the Ozarks a flyover territory on the way to a real lake, that resides on the Arkansas-Mo boarder. Invite them to fornicate their relative of choice in the location that makes their orthadontist cringe.

would that lake be table rock?

[FAX]

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LOOROOL

Not bad. Might work. I have some 350 mg Soma and some lortabs. Those would make one hell of a doggie cocktail.

FAX

[triple]

Right now, he's collecting unemployment. He might have an IT job at a hospital in Osage Beach. Yeah. I'll believe it when I see it.

well... good luck

[Iowanian]

Dear Keyboard of Doom-

Just suspended the ex's phone line and went down to a smaller plan on my cell phone. Took less than an hour for at&t to call to let me know that he had tried to access my account. He's called me several times from another phone, but I'm at work. I will not answer and get into it with him here. He left a voicemail, so I'll listen to that after work. Any good tidbits on what I should say when he calls tonight?

This dude is an EX. You have no reason to support him either financially or emotionally. Its time to be a cold hearted bitch.

If you talk to him, tell him to pound his pickle with a rubber mallet until its hidden in his pelvis, invite him to perform a marrital act with his mother and tell him to never call you again. Don't take ANY further crap from this shitbrick.

If this doesn't work, invite him to join the planet, find this thread and discuss this with me further.

[Iowanian]

If you're not willing to engage in the longest term solution, I have a suggestion.

Purchase 2 whistles....1 referee whistle, one Dog whistle. You can also purchase a high frequency device that annoys the hell out of animals.

Option 1. The dog barks....you blow the dog whistle in the back yard like its your job...the dog will whine, moan and stfu.

if that doesn't work....

When the dog barks, go in the back yard and blow your whistle until the neighbors come outside and keep blowing like you're in the desert, its' full of water and your wedding tackle is on fire. When the neighbor comes outside, say something like "kind of like having a dog bark"

If that doesn't work.....spray the dog with a hose over the fence.....or engage the "meatball surprise".



Dear Dr. Doom:

Serious question here.

We have a neighbor across the street who has recently acquired a small dog who is, apparently, kept out-of-doors and yaps continually, incessantly, relentlessly and without let up both day and night. Did I mention it never stops? I'm certain that someone has already contacted the home owners' association, but the asshole dog continues to bark in its high-pitched, shrill, and extremely aggrevating manner so it's safe to assume that the association is doing nothing about it.

To make matters worse, the dog is in their back yard which is enclosed by a very high, wooden fence that would be difficult, if not impossible, to breach without a ladder. Also, the fence prevents me from getting a good shot at the little bastard. What should I do?

FAX

[Iowanian]

I hate people and I am not sure what to do about it. I really would rather not go to jail. Thanks.

There are people on this earth that make it difficult for me to not be in jail.

If you're a full time, cranky bastard, may I suggest a career move to a remote location, like the oil fields on the north slope, or as a researcher on the South Pole. You'll either learn to get along, or you'll be remote enough that you'll be fed to bears by the others, or you can make Eskimo Jerky.

[Iowanian]

would that lake be table rock?

Good guess, but I'm partial to the other lake in that vicinity, which I will not say by name as to reveal it to the masses of assholes I'm fortunate enough to have believe the Ozarks is the lake of utopia.

[Mr. Flopnuts]

Table Rock Lake kicks ass. I'm going to guess that the man is a fan of Lake Taneycomo. Which got me in a lot of fucking trouble shooting bottle rockets into the lake at 2am 1 night. Tim was not a happy copper.

[Mr. Flopnuts]

Plus I think Iowanian is a fan of "The Jolly".

[FAX]

There are people on this earth that make it difficult for me to not be in jail.

If you're a full time, cranky bastard, may I suggest a career move to a remote location, like the oil fields on the north slope, or as a researcher on the South Pole. You'll either learn to get along, or you'll be remote enough that you'll be fed to bears by the others, or you can make Eskimo Jerky.

I have a pair of authentic mukluks that have never been worn. I'll sell them for only $5000.00 in cold, hard casino cash.

FAX

[Mr. Flopnuts]

Sold!!!!! I'll PM my shipping address.

[Mr. Flopnuts]

Oh, do you take CPPal?

[FAX]

I do, indeed. I also accept MasterMukluk.

FAX

[Mr. Flopnuts]

I do, indeed. I also accept MasterMukluk.

FAX

Priceless. Can you ship those via dog sled?

[FAX]

Priceless. Can you ship those via dog sled?

I would, except that the dogs chew the heck out of them. Perhaps UPS would be better. Although it does happen, it's rare that a UPS delivery man bites into another man's mukluk.

FAX

[rockchalkgirl]

Looong story, but I'm just fed up with being nice. He may be 34, but he acts the same age as his girlfriend, which is 17.

Let me get this straight. He's 34, you are no longer in a relationship with him, and you are still paying for his cell phone??? It's time to be done. Now of course, that means he'll characterize you as a bitch. Rest assured, you're not. You are taking care of yourself and protecting yourself financially, which is way more important than whether he can make calls away from his house.

[stumppy]

Looong story, but I'm just fed up with being nice. He may be 34, but he acts the same age as his girlfriend, which is 17.


He has another gf ans you're still paying his phone bill ???
ROFL

I'll let you in on one of his conversations with his buddies " And the dumb bitch is still paying for my cell phone........"

[Brock]

low self esteem

[luv]

low self esteem

Procrastinator.

[burt]

Can we still ask questions of THE KEYBOARD OF DOOM, or has this been hijacked beyond repair?