If your vet is neutering your females, I think you may have a problem. ROFL

Dearest Endelt.

It pains me to be the bearer of bad news, but if you look back on your childhood, the answer may reveal itself.

What color of reading cards did you get sent to for exercises in early elementary? Brown huh...... Level 3 isn't the best, even though it requires more fingers to reach that number on your hand.

Maybe you're just not that clever?

The difference is, I blame your teachers for not building your esteme to a level to initiate stimulation of creative thought.

I recommend that you file a lawsuit against your local school district, pronto. You're being robbed of your classification, showing your disability. Your inalliable right to collect compensation, for sitting on your free couch is due you ASAP.

Deductive reasoning my dear watson.

You live in an area, habitated mostly by two groups from our census blocks. Retired elderly, and college students. It makes sense that both of those two groups would have abnormal numbers of persons, with nocternal bladder control issues. It therefor makes sense, that one could find multiple oportunities for furniture that may have been "soiled" in one way or another.

By using my deductive reasoning skills, and realizing that you are a man of oportunity, it makes sense that you would take advantage of fine furniture, a couple squirts of Fabreese, and enjoy affordable lazyboy Comfort.

Dr. Iowanian,

What's a good way of getting back at my employer for shutting off the Planet at work. Keep in mind I'd like to keep my job, but they took my crack and they need to pay.

Jonesing in Johnston

Talisman.....Its obvious you work for a bastard.

Its only right that you begin to embezzle money. Until you develop a master plan, I recommend allowing yourself an extra week of paid vacation per year.

How you ask? Simple. Pooping 20 minutes per day on the clock, 5 days per week, 50 weeks per year....

If you can get into the boss' private comode.....This is call for an "upper decker".

No place hops like Sonic.

This guy has to be one of the wittiest people I have ever come across.

Dr. Iowanian- my hometown is Britt, Iowa. So yes, I am a native Iowan. Will the shame and humilation of this fact ever go away? I mean, has it for you?
Thanks so much in advance-
ZS

There are plenty of places to sit at the bar, gotta keep the beer money for beer. I know how your mind works...

...and it scares the hell out of me.

Britt, IA used to be a HS wrestling powerhouse...thats about all I know of your home town.

Iowania is a great place.

This question was a little above my capabilities, so I decided to ask GOD what he had to say to someone that wasn't proud to be an Iowanian.

His reply was simple, and to the point.

Note to self, refrain from sitting on Brian's couches if you ever find yourself at his place.

You come accross guys? Gross.

For the record....No one has ever come accross this guy.


Delt...the springs on those couches are surely poking through..besides you're probably ready to move up to the Full size. In earlier posts, you mentioned you were cutting back on bar visits, thereby saving a potload of mon-ay. In 3 months, You could probably save enough to buy yourself a new set.

I've recently had to give up on my favorite college chair and couch, as they were deemed un-fit for human habitation by new middle management in my organization. giving up that old Pleather man-chair was a difficult thing to do, but the new reclining faux-Lazy boy is fabulous.

I have a feeling the worn and dirty look would give away the truth.

I do not know how to respond, so I will not try.

Rh....I'd think the fact that when you stand up, feeling the velcro let go of your pants, only to look down and recall that there IS NO velcro on your pants....would be the only required clue.

I recommend following the code of Nurses that do home visits. Always put your belongings up on a clear table or chair, and only sit on wooden chairs.

I do have an idea, so I would not be sitting down. Infact, it might be better if I were to simply not set foot in the residence period.

Does not matter, I just talked to my dad and found out I will not be in Pheonix the first week of June. This morning it looked like a possibility. Hell, I was going to come a week earlier and celebrate my birthday out there.

Good policy in most instances. Though I wonder if it would make much difference at Endo's place.........

Probably best for both of us. I do not have to worry about getting sticky substances all over myself and you do not have to worry about me drinking your beer.

Well I am working off the assumption that you do restock.

Jamie.....you need to rethink what you just said.

BYOB.....you'll have to remember that Endelt's best pickup line is probably [butthead laugh]Heeey-a-bebee, got 5 buckth I can bor-row for a 12 pack?"

You are probably right.


This thread really does have all the answers.

Dear Dr Iowanian,


Why is it that most women I go out with will spend a good portion ( or about ALL ) of our first date talking about her ( abusive/neglectful/inconsiderate/alcoholic/workoholic/cheating/etc/etc)
ex-husband or boyfriend?

When I try to steer the conversation to something else, eventually the worst offenders will find a way to drag "him" back to the front page.


How would you handle this situation?


p.s. Unless I score that night the chick does NOT get a second date.

Spare the Rod and spoil the broad.

At this point in the date, its acceptable to ask the lady how many ears she has?2 How many Mouths does she have? 1...thats right....thats so she can listen. Remind her how pretty she looks, and that you don't want to spoil the "chemistry" you're feeling with words.

At this point, you have 2 options. Interupt her every time she strays off topic, ask her questions that pre-date the boy-toy(childhood, family, vacations). Counter with stories about your family relationships, that you're close to your mother, sister et al.

If this fails, your next alternative is simple. Every time she mentions the former boyfriend...Interupt and insert your own story of Conquer and plunder of the Anderson Twins, and any other penthouse story(that wouldn't be told by frequilizer) that you can think of.....she'll either be offended and leave, or get hormonally out of control, and climb the watertower, while carrying a 12 pack out on County Road 2, and let you violate her on the catwalk at 300'.

when a person masturbates they are having same sex, sex. Does this make eveyone who abuses themselves homosexual?

~please anwser soon
thank you

This is not a problem, if you've given su manos female names.

hAndrea and Jill(hold your right hand up, palm away) are good selections.

Iowanian asks you!

Anyone have any experience with a stationary mouse with a thumb roller(for carpel tunnel prevention)? Do you like them? Which brand would you use?

OK Baldy.

Dr I,

Is it normal for a proctologist to put both hands on the back of your shoulders when he is examining you? Are the examination gowns normally this lacy?

Thanks

How many times do I have to tell you not to go to old strip mall doctor offices, that you find through an ad stapled to a phone pole?

I'm sorry Velvet....but I think you were given the ole Denver 3rd thumb.


It doesn't make you ghey, unless you go back for those weekly appointments.

Thats a good question End.....I think there are some standard factory answers, which I'll try to show in a link at the end of my reply.

I feel that the proper answer depends on where you live, the conditions in which you drive among other things. If you drive on the Hwy or in the city, it would last longer than if you spend time on rural Gravel roads.

The Life expectancy of the filter isn't really the same for everyone. Short trips, harsh climates, pulling loads and other environmental factors would warrent replacing of all filters more often.

I try to pull the Air filter out of our vehicles every couple of oil changes,and "blow them out" with an air hose. A clean air filter helps your truck run better, and will improve performance and Gas mileage. I suppose I change mine every 5-6 oil changes.....around 15k miles.

Check the experts at
http://www.fram.com/

Dear I,

The Chiefs need a MLB. They have this kid named Rich Scanlon that looks great against 2nd and 3rd string defense. Is there a cahnce he will see 1st string action next game since Mitchellis possible out ?

Roy
President of the Scanlon for MLb Club !

Or you can take the air filter out altogether. That way you get a free Oklahoma bore job.

Dear Dr. Iowanian:

My mom was recently robbed while she was sleeping. She now wants "revenge" and will do anything she can to prevent furthur break-ins, including buying a firearm to protect herself. She'll be living alone with her husband in the country in a couple years, and she finds this new security very important.

She's kind of weak, and has some shoulder pain. Because of this, I advised against a shotgun, but a smaller handgun might deliver too powerful of a kickback. What would you recommend?

While I'm no expert on the team, I am an avid fan. Considering the Short week before the next game, the injuries to Maslowski and possible injury to Mitchell, I think its highly probable that you'll get your chance to see Scanlon play alot, if not start.

If Mitchell isn't seriously injured, I think he'll play because he really needs the reps if he's going to be a long term sollution at MLB(at least this year). Scanlon will likely see reps with the first Unit........at least he would if I were coaching with 4 days to a game.

Whomever it is, will hear me cheering through the TV, Putting Big Medicine their direction to Knock Kellen Whineslow III out of his shoes.......complete with snot bubbles.

Thanks Dr. I .

BTW, it's going to suck this week not getting to watch it until Monday night ! :banghead:

So, are you trying to say that Enzyte works???

I heard Delt has a bottle for 39.95.

Your mom needs to adopt the basics of Rural security. A Security Light in the driveway, a motion light on her garage or home, and a dog........Blue Heelers are excellent farm dogs....tough, loyal to their owners, and protective of their Turf.

Normally, I'd recommend a firearm...however, if she's not prepared and practiced, that could be a poor decision. A reasonable caliber firearm can be purchased, locked up, until she has been properly trained in safety, handling and using it.......and practiced at a range until she is comfortable enough to load it and be ready to use it in the dark. A 9mm makes a loud BANG! and doesn't kick too hard.

In the mean time....Photoshop a picture of a large Bull Scrotum over a target..........Shoot the center of it a couple of times with a shotgun and write the words

"SNR Mom's Name Security System Activated!".....place one on each entrance and on the garage/shed door....

Dr. I,

I have this obsession to buy some plane tickets to watch a football game at Arrowhead, should I spend the money on myself, or am I being selfish with it and should spend it on Christmas for my wife?

Snot bubbles........YES!!!

Buy a very large suitcase..........Explain to your wife that you are taking her on a "suprise" trip and zip her up.....check her in, and use the saved airfare on her ticket, and your beer, nachos and Braut at the game.

Duh.


OOOOOOOOOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wait until you know a weekend that she has some event(bridal shower, bachelorette part-ah etc.....something she won't miss)..........show "disappointment" that she can't join you(but not TOO much mind you, or she'll come along)...............Come to the game without her, and hit the Juggies Joint the night before the game, lose your shirt so you won't smell like cotton candy and Clove cigarettes......

Yeah.......do that one.

I like the second one better. :p Does it matter what I like Dr. I, Or should I be more SENS i tive to those arround me??

bunny.......Finish this statement..

SPARE ____________________________!


jeesh.

Dear Dr. Iowanian, my friend posts on this message board and he keeps having delusions of grandeur. He continually asserts that this midget is going to win the Heisman Trophy. All his friends have tried to help him by pointing out the fallacy of this notion. Is there anything you can do to help him?

Mr Towne,

There really isn't much of anything that can be done, I'm afraid. I'm sure that fans of the non-Hawkeye Afflicted team mean well, and are good people. Just take comfort in the fact that the same fan also more than likely argued that Michael Bishop was the next McNabb and could read.

ROFL

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?p=2217588

This got me thinking.

I have heard that when you poo, the poo should float in the bowl. If it floats then you are eating a healthy diet and whatnot.

Personally, I have not had a "floater" in months. I can't even recall when the last time was.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is, "Am I going to die?"

YHW

The survival rate for everyone drops to zero on a long enough timeline.

I'll handle this one, Iowanian.

More fiber, man: :thumb:

If not, this will help:

Dear Iowanian:

Where can I get some mother****ing pie?

Sincerely,
Not A Combat Veteran

How about some "Dixie" pie? (Pecan, with chocolate chips, and caramel?) :hmmm:

Dear mr Dungwell,
It should be noted that while I am an accomplished Dumper of Loads, I don't often make note of thier consistency, elasticity, composition*hey look, Corn* firmness, texture and floatablility..........I have an idea.

After consulting your brotherinlaw it has come to my attention that if your head weren't jammed so far up your above the rim of your prostate that you can taste your liver, the compaction rate of your Dung would decrease, and when combined with enough roughage, your movement should return to normal.

As for dieing, I'm guessing your family already thinks it smells like you did.

I'm sorry SIberian,
Due to war rationing, in effort to make sure the figting men have enough Hostess Apple, Cherry, Blueberry, and chocolate cream pies, you don't have enough stamps to attain Pie at this time.

I am told, that if you were to take $50 down to Troost and Admiral, and ask "skinny wanda" for "a game of billiards" you can get a half knappy pie to get you through the Pie Tin shortage.

Dear Eyeohwayneeanne:

Ay'm en kneed uf a goode speil cheker? Annie segestionz?

Sinseerly,

KCNUT

Deaarr Iiowwwanian:

Sumtimezs wheheheen I havvve a "'bevveraaaaage" or two at nighhhtt. I ppppossst stupiddd (Realllly stuuupidd!) ssttuffff onn thhhhe Planet. Whhhatt shoulllddd I doo?

Roob

After Dinner tonight, glue your fingers on your most dexterous hand to your unit. They're there half the night anyway, pudwhacker.

This way, even if impaired, you'll have to type with 1 hand, which is uncoorinated, and posters won't be subjected to abundances of words.

The Keyboard of Doom has a BEEE-A-Uty of a picture to insert here.

See more, after these messages at 5pm.

Dear Iowanian,

Kim Cattrall really does it for me. Ever since
that howling locker room scene in Porkys, its been like a fantasy of mine to get my wife in any locker room. Got any ideas/stories from your old wrestling days to help me out.



Barkin 'n' howlin

Henry,
Unfortunately, I never had an oportunity to have a go at Mrs Henry in a locker room while in HS. Surrounded by neked guys puts anything of a reproductive nature pretty far on the back burner of the Iowani-mind.

I do probably have an old jock, some stale socks and a singlet, and could leave some wet towels and gym clothes in a basket for a month, if you'd like to borrow them to put in your rubber room to set the aura

I need a little more of a visual, what color is the singlet ???

Henry..........Just put Visionquest up on the Bigscreen. If you want her to howl like Catrell.......Maybe try lighting her sock on fire when she's not looking.

Dear Iowanian,

I have a somewhat sensitive problem. It's my name. People are always saying things like " stumppy ??? did your wife name you that ?

How can I let everyone know it's just a nickname, just like Tiny is a nickname for a 6' 6'' , 350 lb. man ?
Should I have my enormous unit measured, weighed, and officially certified as OMG huge ? Then show my Unit Certificate to anyone who makes a demeaning remark about my manhood ? Which brings up another question. Where do I carry the certificate ? Folded up in my wallet ? Or should I have it framed with a chain attached so I can hang it on my unit ?
Or, should I just take a picture of it and use that as my avitar ?


Awaiting your reply with digital camera in hand,

stumppy

ROFL

I'd like to show you all something I'm very proud of. You people in the front row are gonna have to move back.

Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally Posted by stumppy
Or, should I just take a picture of it and use that as my avitar ?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Since guys are always sporting boobies, why not have stumppy, plant his there. :hmmm:

Robin Williams.

One of my favorites.
rbrbrr
ROFL

I have a serious question. I have a Remington Model 700 bolt action 30-06. I want to put a scope on it. But I also want to be able to use open sites. What brand of scope do you recommend the can be mounted so I can site through or under the scope?

First and formost, so as not to Kill the Iowani-column potential...do NOT post a pic. Posters will just continue to have the mental image of a naked Mini-me(not *me*...the dwarf on vh1).

Tell them the Stump refers to the Girth not the length. Iowanian wasn't called "foldiers" in College because he smelled like coffee grounds, but rather resembled the container.

Bogie,

While I don't really know the answer to your question, others on the board Might.

You can find your answer quickly by posting your question on this forum
http://www.thefiringline.com/forums/.../f-3-p-65.html

I guess my first question is why? With a variable-powered scope, you can get some decent brush hunting quickness with low powers and have all of the long-range potential that a 30-06 should deliver.

You can get the see through scope mounts. My grandfather had some of these on his 30-30 and they put the scope up so high that it was really uncomfortable when trying to site with the scope.

That said, Weaver makes a pivot mount that will allow the scope to be hinged to the side allowing the shooter to use the iron sights. My dad bought a .308 one time that had this style on it. I got to carry the gun and the mounts did a decent job of staying true. One draw back though was if you didn't get the scope snapped all the way back into position, it would be off and you'd miss.


Seriously, I'd go for just getting a variable powered scope fitted with the appropriate sized bases so that you are comfortably looking through it when you pull the gun up. Then keep the scope on the low setting unless you need to zoom in on a long-range target. Once I got used to the scope, I don't have any trouble sighting in on a deer/coyote/whatever running through brush.

Dear Dr. I:

I have just started reading my new favorite column, but sadly it has now caused me a small problem....

You see, while reading the said column, I was caught with fits of insane laughter that caused me to spew soda all over my keyboard and monitor. Are there any suggestions as to how I can clean them without damaging them?

Sincerely,

mmaddog
********

I've never used a scope and you're exactly right, I'm concerned about that running shot. I've just always used open sites, but lately the old eyes just aint what they used to be. I will check in to a variable powered scope. Do you recommend a particular brand?

mmdog,

Its very unfortunate that you wasted good soda by spitting it out. The good news is that if the bulk of semen that is surely on that board, between yourself, and your teenage boys isn't sticking the keys down. You'll be alright.

Squirt some windex on a brawney towel and sop that muva up.

You can get a Leupold VX-1 3-9 power for $200 from walmart (or from most other places too). It has a lifetime guarantee. Yes, you can buy a $50-$75 scope, but if you are going to do that, just save yourself the $, keep the iron sights and not have to deal with poor optics. I also have a Burris and a Weaver and would recomend them as well. Both are good scopes comparable (quality and price) to my Leupold, but I prefer my Leupold hands down. If you have the cash for more scope, I'd go for a Leupold VX-2 or even a Vari-X III. Once you've hunted with a quality scope you won't be able to go back. I cringe when I have to look though a friends cheap scope.

I gave you rep and not a thank you??? I take it back Martha...:banghead:

Someone give him rep or take it away so I can TAKE it away....heehee

I heard you can shoot a cow in the FACE and it will live. Is that true?

Depends on where you hit it.

Who'd you give rep to? I don't see a Martha on here tonight. And you can't be talking to me because you haven't given me rep since 2003.:)



BTW, if you give positive rep to a couple other BB members, you should be able to do a neg rep.

ROFL

I think it got bumped up to 25 people.

Were you shooting it with your ManGoo? Gross.




It is true.

My family once had a cow that had a bad hip and was "down"..we fed it, medicated it, watered it, kept it in dry bedding in shelter. It developed an open sore, so it had to be put down. With a .22 revolver, I shot it between the eyes 6 times at Close range. Didn't die. Shot it through the ear with #7.

A family member was once a county sheriff and told a story of a call to a home with a "homicide". Upon arrival found a man, shot in the forehead 3 times. While watching the scene while another deputy searched the house for others, he was startled by a groan.

The man had attempted suicide. Had shot him self in the head with a .22, knocked unconcious, woke up...shot himself in the head..unconsious....woke up...shot himself in the head, knocked himself unconsious.....woke up with Company.

The Moral..........A .22, or small caliber high velocity round, at close range, will flatten on the skull, instead of penetrating. At 10', its deadly, point blank..not always.

Iowanian would not however recommend doing this as a party trick.