The Herm Edwards Bible
 

Here's a boom-or-bust, 400-post or 0-post thread for bored Chiefs fans.

I think we can all agree Herm Edwards is far more straightforward in his football philosophies than most coaches.

Well submit your axioms that you honestly believe that Herm Edwards follows when it comes to building a football team, and hark!, I shalt do mine best to incorporate them into a two- or three-book mini-Bible, written in the holiest of prose, and constantly adapting to incorporate your newly-added Commandments.

The axioms can relate to offense, defense, leadership, game strategies, team chemistry, public speaking, his own personal history ("and Dungy begat Edwards") -- whatever you can reasonably relate to Herm. The more the better, I would ideally like this to be a good-sized Good Book.

A couple serious axioms I can think up off the top of my head (I figure you folks won't have any trouble thinking up punchlines) would be like the following:

• Thou shalt build thy teams through the Draft.
• Thou shalt draft Best Player Available.
• Thou shalt not get things twisted.

Then I'll take your suggestions later and try to write out The New Testament Of Herm or whatever. The following is what I've got so far for this gloriously makeshift Holy Word.

The Book of Herm

Chapter 1

1 In 1978, year of our Lord, the Ancient Giants found themselves ensconced in a comfortable lead in the waning seconds of a 17-12 victory over thine Golden Eagles upon the gridiron of the Meadowlands. 2 All that stood between themselves and victory was a 3rd-and-2 kneel-down to kill off the remaining seconds off the clock. 3 But in those crucial seconds that echo throughout the Heavens and the Earth, there would be no kneel-down. 5 Instead, a Miracle reared itself, as the Lord slipped the ball from the hands of Pisarcik, and from this Immaculate Separation doth borne Herman Edwards. 6 To be known among God’s children as “Herm,” he made good work of the Lord’s blessing, hauling the fumbled treasure 26-yards for a defensive touchdown and a 19-17 shocker. Prodigy was borne this day.

7 Truly infused in the mind of this man of football was a dedication to all that is righteous and outspoken. 8 Herm would grow into a head coach and spiritual learner of this most holiest of sports, enduring trials and tribulations in the strange lands of Tampa Bay and New York, before riding into Arrowhead, the Lord’s Promised Land, on the back of a 4th round pick.

9 His words would ring throughout the press, enlightening and befuddling a city that continued to worship the false idol Dick Vermeil. 10 He implored to his newfound flock that they misunderstood what a successful organization looked like. That they, in fact, knew not what they do.

11 And upon Arrowhead Drive he stood in a snappy sweater vest, and thus began Herman’s Sermon on the Mount. 12 A truer test of character the world had never known.

Thou Shalt Take Solace In Field Goals.

Thou Shalt Pound Thy Johnson

Whenst thou dismantle-est an offense, one must never say, "Begone foul dragon of an offense, I dismantle thee!"....

Can I get the FFDV (Football For Dummies Version)? It's so much easier to read.

Thou shalt simplify the offense.

The shalt feel better when thy Dick is Curl(ed).

Thou shalt never watch the Super Bowl on television.

Thou shalt die Easter Eggs when Thy telleth to.

Thou shall not enjoy the circus.

There is no New American Standard version of the Herm Bible.

It will be written and printed in King Carl Version.

Final verse: It's OK!

Thou shall not lose in Cleveland during the month of December

Thou shalt not out score they brethern on their own land

Niiice. Rep.

Run, Run, Pass,Punt

As it's written shall it be done

And on the 7th day Herm rested and forgot clock management.

Thou shall not bend to the will of spectators and arm-chair quarterbacks who worship backup quarterbacks looking to dethrone said starting quarterback, regardless of illness or desperation.

Thou Shalt Run On Third Down, Occasionally.

You Play To Win The Game

Thou shalt wear snappy sweater vests.

LMAO this is the best by far

A good punter is hard to find, his worth is far above rubies. The heart of his coach trusts in him, and nothing shall he lack.

Thou Shalt Make The Media Thy Bitch.

Thou shalt play to win the game.

*edited for the love of luv...

Thou Shalt Fall Short of a First Down

Thou shalt use double-speak when asked about the QB situation...

Thou shall bring about a covenant with thy Satan known as Carl Peterson

FYP

Just trying to keep the flow.

Thou shalt spend many hours reviewing tape but take only seconds to lose the game

nice

Thou shalt understand that playing thy game of football is a privilege, not a right.

Thou shalt draft accordingly to HIS plan, unless plan overflows with reason such that thou General Manager brings about a spear to thine own crucification.

Thou shall not back into playoffs, Thou shall win games thy was suppost to win.

Thou shalt have many media outlets to portray images, but none shall ever be more fair than thy sexpot known as Carrie Underwood.

WTF?

Thou Shalt Pull One Out Of Thy Ass In The Second Round.

Thou shalt have a offensive line that falls apart and a loyal fanbase that shall scorn your image and strike your heels if you havent won a Super Bowl within 3 years....

Thou shalt draft a player from UCLA every year. During the Year of Jubilee, thou shalt draft two players from UCLA.

For Herm so loved the run, that he gave his one and only QB, and whosoever dinks and dunks shall not perish, but have eternal mediocracy.

L O L

hahaha rep ROFL

Thou salt be lead to the promised land by a Dark Soilder draped in red bearing a burning 27 across thy back!

Thou shalt not runneth thine score up in thy present game, for that which may cause a loss in thy future matchup.

And behold, the great media standeth at the door like unto a plague, and knocketh: and if any man heareth their voice, and openeth the door, they will come in to us, and will sup with us, and us with them, and questions shalt they ask of us.

And after this the media looked, and, behold, a door was opened unto the locker room: and the first voice which they did heareth as it were of a trumpet or as a man of great speech and little wisdom; which sayeth, Come up hither, and write down those things which I sayeth.

And immediately was Herm in the spirit: and, behold, a microphone was set before him, and one microphone did he approacheth. And Herm that sat before the microphone was to look upon like a shark and a terrible sardine: and there was a great tribulation round about the microphone, in sight like unto the most murderous fishes of the sea. And out of the microphone proceeded lightnings and thunderings and voices: and there were seven reasons of fire and the seven reasons why the offense could not scoreth, which are the seven great excuses. And the first excuse was like unto a dropped pass, and the second like unto a bad call, and the third excuse had a face as of a kicker, and the fourth was like unto a stacked defensive line.

FAX

Lamar 25:17. The path of the righteous fan is beset on all sides by the inequities of the Broncos and the tyranny of evil Raiders. Blessed is he who, in the name of Red and Gold, shepherds the weak through the valley of Arrowhead. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost endzones. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Herm when I lay my vengeance upon you

Another Homerun!

ROFL

Yea though I walk through the tunnels at Arrowhead, I will fear no evil: for Thou art with me; Thy running game and Thy defense they comfort me.

Thou preparest a grid iron before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my playbook with runs up the middle; my cup runneth over into the center's buttocks.

In the Beginning, there was Adam, the first quarterback. Adam cavorted on the green field alone, running and cutting and throwing and God saw that it was good. But God knew that Adam was lonely and needed a companion. Thus, God caused Adam to slam his head into the field and rendered him unconscious. While he was knocked out, God took from Adam all his common sense, and shaped it into a new form. This new creature God named "head cheerleader". Eve danced and pranced on the field, admiring all of Adam's exploits while waving her pom-poms. Adam was no longer lonely, and now ran up and down the Field with abaondon. God saw all that he had made and saw that it was Good.

God was not yet finished. To give Adam's running and jumping direction and purpose, he created "Touchdown" and "Field Goal". In the days of their innocence, Adam and his friends ran and played on the field, Eve and her friends cheered, while the stands filled with Students who then became known as Fans. Shouts of joy filled the air and God knew that what he had created was Good.

One dark night after a Game, Eve wandered across the Field and Lo! a serpent spoke to her from the grass. "Why is it that you play the great game of football and only God above can witness your feats? Would it not be better to share the spectacle with the rest of the world through the medium of Television?" The serpent then presented a contract to Eve and said unto her, "Have the quarterback Adam sign this document, and the masses shall worship you on Sundays."

And the media did cry with a loud voice, saying, How long, O Herm, dost thou not avenge our losses and mighty concussions and embarrassments in post season?

And in the right hand of him that sat before the microphone was a book written within and without and sealed with seven seals. And behold, then did Herm sayeth in a voice like unto famine, This is thy playbook which I shalt destroy that no man may say that our offense shalt be a circus nor shalt one say evermore that our alignments be complex, for deserveth thee not! And the media wept much, because no man was found worthy to open and to read the book, neither to look thereon. And so did the fans cast dust on their heads, and rend their garments of red and gold, and cried, weeping and wailing, saying, Alas, alas, the great offense, wherein were all made rich who had wagereth on the over under by reason of her touchdowns, for in this hour is she made desolate!

FAX

Thou shall play to win the game.

Thou shall at the end of the day.

Thou shall that's the great thing about it.

Thou shall go down and kick FG's.

Thou shall run, run, pass, punt.

Thou Shalt let herm play to win thy game so he may blessed thy with that win.

Thou shalt not worship Trent Green for he is a false idol.

FAX's post was awesome and anything I could add is futile.

Are you sure you're talking about a football philosophy?

It's either that, or it's the reason Herm does not watch football on TV.

I can't really remember...

And there appeared before the media a great wonder in heaven; an angel in soiled cloth, and feet of grass, and upon his head a crown of twelve dents: and this was the angel of the run.

And there appeared another wonder in heaven; and behold a great red dragon, having five heads and five horns, and seven great gouges upon his five heads: and this was the angel of the draw.

And behold, did Herm sayeth with a loud voice as it were the sound of hail and fire mingled with blood, These shalt be thy offense for I have created such for thee: for thee hast I created them, and for thy pleasure they are and were created! And woe to the inhabiters of Arrowhead and the unbelieving and the whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters who shalt call for the pass or the play action, for by reason of these voices shalt great torment befall any who so calleth!

And lo, did then the angel and the dragon cast themselves like unto death into a wall of stone and fall mightly into a forsaken pile of smoke and spittle. And then did the fans beat their chests and cry to the heavens themselves, Oh fall upon us and cast us into the sea that we may not lay sight to the end of scoring and may not hear the sound of 3rd and long!

FAX

I wouldst tolerate my man, Dickecurl, who calls himself a a keeper of the vagaries of temporal progress. Lo, though he teaches and seduces me to commit metaphysical boneheadery, and to eat timeouts sacrificed to the abyss
I gave him time to repent, and he assures me of great and mystical improvement since the time of York.
Behold, though you wish to throw him into a pit, and those who commit such disgerence with him into great oppression, I've been assured that he repents of his works.

Thou shalt "see ball", thou shalt "go get ball."

Every Sunday is the
Sermon on the Pound

And the fans did cry out to Herm, O Herm, forsaketh thee thou Dickecurl! For hast he not proven himself defiled and an abomination before thy people, and before the league, and before the third graders?

And behold, Herm replied in a voice like unto the rushing waters in a river of disease, Sayest thou not! For who knows whereof the time is at hand? Are there not four quarters? And are not the length and the breadth and the height of it equal before me? Let no man say that Dickecurl is unjust. For he that is unjust, let him be unjust still: and he which is filthy, let him be filthy still: and he that is righteous, let him be righteous still: and he that is reeruned, let him be reeruned still.

And lo, did Herm then smite the media: and he smote them with a rod of iron and cast them into the winepress of fierceness and so did he dip them also thereunto the lake of blood whereon the media did write the praises of Dickecurl that the people might worship him also.

FAX

Hey!! How'd you know the nickname for mah wang?

It's the Herm Edwards Bible, Mr. Baby Lee.

All things are revealed in the HEB.

FAX

Only LJ shall perform a Hermgasm in public.

Alright.

The Book of Herm is in construction. I'm just going to tack it onto the OP.

Keep all suggestions coming. This is the world's first democratic Bible.

You're very creative. You should do the compilation, print it, and send it to a publisher. The first ever Chiefsplanet Herm Edwards Bible.

The CPV Herm Edwards Bible.

ChiefsPlanet Version.

Don't forget the Johnson pounding Commandment, and you should make a wikipage for the herm bible.

And so it came to pass that Herm sayeth unto the veterans, Because thou hast eaten from the tree of experience, thou art cursed above all mortals, and upon thy belly shalt thou go unto free agency and in sorrow shalt thy incentive bonus be withheld. And unto the rookies he sayeth, Because thou hast hearkened unto my voice and partaken of my noobley stick, thou shalt be blessed and thy career shalt be exalted and thy locker be near the shower and thy shalt have unto thine own the private room on the road.

And thus did the veterans depart from Arrowhead and great was the wailing among fans and the media also was corrupt before Herm, and the executive offices were filled with violence and wickedness and every evil imagination.

FAX

You are showing me up, my friend. Brilliant work.

Just trying to help, Mr. Direckshun.

I am like unto a scribe.

FAX

Hicks + DV = Sodom and Gamorrha (sp?)

And Herm said unto the QB's "one must use the check down first and if that is covered one must back into the line of scrimmage for a sack".

Thou shalt be glorified by ones personality, and not by the carrying out of onests tasks.

And on the day nigh after the opener Herm said kicker Medlock ye shall be cast out to wander the wilderness, and lo unto the squad would come a Rayner to rescuse the heathens.

And if thy kicker offendeth thee, cut his ass.

FAX

ROFL

And then the sky was rent and out came the booteth leggeth. And silence filled the land.

Verily, verily, I say unto thee, For all teams have fallen short of the glory of the endzone.

The wages of offense is touchdowns, but the gift of football is eternal field goals.

Only once in a very long time, I laugh so hard that my bronchial tubes get irritated to the point of coughing my guts out.

Nice.

Yeah, though we walk through the shadow of the Valley Of Rebuilding, we shall fear no losses: for Colquit art with us; his punts comfort us. Thou preparest a field before us in the presence of our enemies, thou anointest thine head with a fro, LJ runneth over and over and over and over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow every abysmal season with no wins in the playoffs: and we will dwell in the house of Mediocrity for ever.

I do not belong in the same BB as FAX. The man is rediculous.

And therefore it came to pass, that while on a soujourn, Herm fell into a vision and it appeared unto him, that it was time to depart from Sodom and go forth to God's country in the midwest where DV, babylon the great of offenses. And Herm proclaimed unto those who committed adultery with her offenses, and drank deeply the wine of her adulterous x-factor returns, that thou shalt repent of such wicked arena ball frivolity and chasten thyself unto Ball control and field goals.