Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6006669)

EDIT: Herm and Hitler video

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showt...hlight=frickin

Originally Posted by Scorp (Post 6005106)

I don't know about post but this thread reigns king shit. You couldn't make this shit up if you tried. I laugh out loud at just about every post. Epic.

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=207737

Originally Posted by Demonpenz (Post 6005107)

whenever iowianian goes off on someone is always a win for everyone.

Originally Posted by CCU2000 (Post 5976347)

He got the legs, arm, and accuracy.

Let's get Thigggy with it!

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 5852874)

OK, so, to recap the fourth date of my tragic ****ing life:

I arrived 30 minutes early in order to survey the scene, to scout out other possible "jump" locations. As in "let's take this party to the martini bar on the other end of this shitty strip mall."

Anyway, upon arriving it was discovered that the Starbucks we were to meet at did NOT EXIST. It had been replaced by a little pizza joint. So I text her this information. 7 pm rolls around and she calls and is like "I'm gonna be late sorry." And I'm like "Uh this place is a pizza joint. Do you want to get a pie?" And she's like "Sure!"

So she shows up and she's very cute. She is wearing a horizontally striped, low-cut top that shows her nice cleavage. Not as hot as my last date, but definitely bangable. 5-6, 125 pounds, brunette, pretty eyes, nice tits. She smiles, I smile, we both think sexual thoughts.

We order a chicken roma spinach medium and two beers. This is the first time I have had beer since college. I had a Miller mother****in' Lite. It actually wasn't too bad.

We share good conversation. She likes horror films and wants to go see Drag Me To Hell. I inform her it is excellent cinema and file away this note for potential future dates.

She laughs at my stupid jokes and we make lots of eye contact. I lie and say she is hotter than my last date in order to indicate I am sexually attracted to her. 8:30 rolls around and she says, in a very sexy voice, "So, what are you doing the rest of the night?"

My pickup artist brain immediately screams "Say YOU! Say YOU you undersexed stud muffin!" I resist my cro-magnon urge and respond, "Nothing, we could go back to your place and hang out, watch a movie or something?" She agrees to this plan of action and our horny bodies exit the pizza place.

At this point I feel like kissing her. We walk around my car and I say, "I might get in a wreck and die on the way to your apartment. You should kiss me now." This is the smoothest line of my 27-year existence and it works. We kiss, and it ain't no peck on the cheek. We sucked face.

I get wood.

I am going to get laid. I am sure of it.

I follow her car from the parking lot, screaming at the assholes who are cutting me off, blocking my view of her car. I have to traverse Highway 249, make a right onto Beltway 8 and tail this hot bitch for 20 minutes. I have gotten lost many, many times and driving in Houston is a nightmare. I drive like a bat out of hell trying to follow the vagina in the white car in front of me.

We turn onto Beltway 8 and trundle along in tandem for about five miles. At this point we are approximately three quarters of the way to her place. Then she turns into a gas station. My first thought is she needs gas, and she parks in front of the pump (pump my cock, bitch). I pull in and park at the store.

She gets out of her car and starts for mine. Oh shit. Either I'm going to lose my virginity in the restroom of a 7 Eleven (I have six condoms in my right jean pocket, at least I don't need those shitty convenience store rubbers) or the shit just hits the fan.

I get out of my car and she explains that she has decided against ****ing me on this particular night. I attempt to haggle with her for a makeout session, but once a bitch's mind is made up, there is no return, as most of you well know, barring threats of violence. We agree that we should have a second date.

I say "are you gonna call me?" She replies, "Are you gonna call ME?" I take this as an indicator of interest. We kiss again, Crom flutters between my legs, and I grab her ass. She walks back to her car and I drive home.

At least I didn't get lost on the way home. I had never been in that part of town before. Oh, I have also never been in a vagina.

Date #4, in the books. Let's see if this one has the common ****ing courtesy to return my phone calls.

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6005113)

This one's good.

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 2699679)

http://img149.imageshack.us/img149/1...ation122sv.gif

http://img149.imageshack.us/img149/9...ation132jn.gif

http://img149.imageshack.us/img149/5...ation141mw.gif

http://img149.imageshack.us/img149/8...ation159zp.gif

http://img149.imageshack.us/img149/8...ation163hm.gif

http://img149.imageshack.us/img149/6...ation173ea.gif

http://img149.imageshack.us/img149/5...ation189wu.gif

http://img149.imageshack.us/img149/7...ation193ka.gif

Originally Posted by ENDelt260 (Post 2697373)

I've got a keg of Miller Lite... I've got a shot glass.... after I finish dinner, I'm gonna start up Century Club and see how far past 100 I can go. I gotta at least make 130 or I owe my neighbor $20.

I'll see you fuckers later... blurrily.

Originally Posted by Bearcat (Post 5518921)

I know the feeling.. and sometimes I'll get rep for stuff I didn't think was that funny, while comedy GOLD gets nothing.


So, based on the amount of rep (there's better out there... much better)...

This one... Brock's quote was in reference to Midnight_Vulture's supposed fandom to USC.

Re: Herm getting fired (there's a second version somewhere)

This one.

Something about Orange Bowl kneepads blah blah blah

Peeing on the Arch... always funny.

Originally Posted by BuckinKaeding (Post 6005266)

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6005341)

Statistically, I have the best chance of winning this competition.

Originally Posted by BuckinKaeding (Post 6005266)

Originally Posted by WilliamTheIrish (Post 6005405)

Clue me in here. This must be a thread I missed.

Originally Posted by Demonpenz (Post 5440202)

If you drive an 88 ford tempo. Just accept it. It is a red piece of shit, it isn't the general lee, you aren't vin diesel. So don't press the break and gas together rev the engine and slam it in drive. You are going to hear a loud bang followed by the sound of you getting fired from long john silvers for being late again

Originally Posted by BuckinKaeding (Post 6005421)

1. n00b creates thread about losing the girl he loved
2. people flamebait him
3. n00b tells everyone they are idiots / claims to be very successful, rich man
4. n00b gives out his name
5. Laz does google search, finds that hes a sexual offender
6. Hilarity ensues.

At least thats how I remember it happening.

Originally Posted by BigRichard (Post 6005469)

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showp...2&postcount=31

I still laugh when I think about this post.LMAO

Originally Posted by BigRichard (Post 6005469)

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showp...2&postcount=31

I still laugh when I think about this post.LMAO

Originally Posted by BigRichard (Post 6005469)

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showp...2&postcount=31

I still laugh when I think about this post.LMAO

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6005569)

Demonpenz knocked one out of the park...something about the 4th of July and tits and cars doing wheelies through flames or something...I vaguely remember it.

Originally Posted by Demonpenz (Post 6005622)

postrockpablo

Demon, you're so fucking American..you're like Brett Favre throwing footballs across a pond in Wranglers jeans...only instead of Brett Favre, you're Patrick Swayze throwing natty light cans into the mouth of a 6 foot long, 150 pound bass driving a 1994 Thunderbird Supercoupe off a flaming ramp made of Miller Lite boxes and pride; wearing an evil kenievel jumpsuit and depending on a parachute made of beef jerky and dream catchers, all bound together by Indian tears.

Because you don't fucking litter. That's why.

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showt...weekend&page=3

Originally Posted by Demonpenz (Post 6005622)

postrockpablo

Demon, you're so fucking American..you're like Brett Favre throwing footballs across a pond in Wranglers jeans...only instead of Brett Favre, you're Patrick Swayze throwing natty light cans into the mouth of a 6 foot long, 150 pound bass driving a 1994 Thunderbird Supercoupe off a flaming ramp made of Miller Lite boxes and pride; wearing an evil kenievel jumpsuit and depending on a parachute made of beef jerky and dream catchers, all bound together by Indian tears.

Because you don't fucking litter. That's why.

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showt...weekend&page=3

Originally Posted by BigRedChief (Post 6005089)

What say you? This one in another thread got me thinking...

Quote:
<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=6 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=alt2 style="BORDER-RIGHT: 1px inset; BORDER-TOP: 1px inset; BORDER-LEFT: 1px inset; BORDER-BOTTOM: 1px inset">Originally Posted by OnTheWarpath58 http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/image...s/viewpost.gif
Son, we live in a world that has idiotic message board posts, and those posts have to be guarded by men with facts and stats. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Hootie? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for htismaqe, and you curse the Chiefs. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That htismaqe's leaving, while tragic, probably saved him from a nervous breakdown. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves you from a nervous breakdown. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that bulletin board, you need me on that bulletin board. We use words like your and idiot, moran, pie. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent talking football. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a n00b who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the incredible knowledge that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a keyboard, and create a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.


</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
Let's have some nominations and feedback. I'll put the most popular ones in a poll in a new thread and we can vote. The winner will get a weeks vacation in a place of their choosing(if someone volunteers the money) or else if that doesn't materialize they will have to settle for the designation of the coolest dude or dudette on the planet.

Originally Posted by Inspector (Post 6005170)

I liked the one where FAX went totally off on someone....I don't remember who now, but it was classic. Some of the best insults I've ever read on the innernet. I think it was in a thread where he was talking about helping kids from Africa or something. I remember he used the term "miscreant" or something like that. Good stuff. And he was really pissed, not joking around.

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6006071)

lol that had to be directed at memyselfbitch

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6005113)

This one's good.

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6006071)

lol that had to be directed at memyselfbitch

Originally Posted by FAX (Post 4037758)

And behold, the great media standeth at the door like unto a plague, and knocketh: and if any man heareth their voice, and openeth the door, they will come in to us, and will sup with us, and us with them, and questions shalt they ask of us.

And after this the media looked, and, behold, a door was opened unto the locker room: and the first voice which they did heareth as it were of a trumpet or as a man of great speech and little wisdom; which sayeth, Come up hither, and write down those things which I sayeth.

And immediately was Herm in the spirit: and, behold, a microphone was set before him, and one microphone did he approacheth. And Herm that sat before the microphone was to look upon like a shark and a terrible sardine: and there was a great tribulation round about the microphone, in sight like unto the most murderous fishes of the sea. And out of the microphone proceeded lightnings and thunderings and voices: and there were seven reasons of fire and the seven reasons why the offense could not scoreth, which are the seven great excuses. And the first excuse was like unto a dropped pass, and the second like unto a bad call, and the third excuse had a face as of a kicker, and the fourth was like unto a stacked defensive line.

FAX

Originally Posted by FAX (Post 4037828)

And the media did cry with a loud voice, saying, How long, O Herm, dost thou not avenge our losses and mighty concussions and embarrassments in post season?

And in the right hand of him that sat before the microphone was a book written within and without and sealed with seven seals. And behold, then did Herm sayeth in a voice like unto famine, This is thy playbook which I shalt destroy that no man may say that our offense shalt be a circus nor shalt one say evermore that our alignments be complex, for deserveth thee not! And the media wept much, because no man was found worthy to open and to read the book, neither to look thereon. And so did the fans cast dust on their heads, and rend their garments of red and gold, and cried, weeping and wailing, saying, Alas, alas, the great offense, wherein were all made rich who had wagereth on the over under by reason of her touchdowns, for in this hour is she made desolate!

FAX

Originally Posted by Stewie (Post 6006337)

FAX has many, but I laughed out loud at the "Herm Edwards Bible" thread.

Originally Posted by ziggysocki (Post 6005102)

Who was first in with Carl Peterson leaving the Chiefs?

Originally Posted by Stewie (Post 6006337)

FAX has many, but I laughed out loud at the "Herm Edwards Bible" thread.

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6005168)

This one is simple yet well executed.



OR:

Originally Posted by Dave Lane (Post 6006277)

Actually the GoChiefs / Dave Lane collaboration of the Herm Can't even Make a Frikken First down wins...

Hands down...

Originally Posted by 'Hamas' Jenkins (Post 5100929)

Greatest post in planet history.

Originally Posted by stevieray (Post 6006271)

There is an old bob dole rant that is priceless.

Originally Posted by ziggysocki (Post 6005102)

Who was first in with Carl Peterson leaving the Chiefs?

Originally Posted by BIG_DADDY (Post 1985260)

Seriously, my main question is about foods from the ME. We have this restaurant that does the Afghanistan thing and I have no idea what that is like but I would like to try it. Is most of the foods eaten in different countries in the ME differ much from one to the other? I have a real good friend from Iran I used to hang with and his family all came over from there but all I can remember them eating was like kabobs and rice with herbs and ground beef with these big tortilla looking things. I have had some food over at a mediterranean place down the street that had humas and flaffels (sp) and I liked that. Any good information you could give me would be appreciated.

Originally Posted by memyselfI (Post 1985277)

what a racist bigoted post header. :shake: :banghead: :cuss: nlm

Originally Posted by BIG_DADDY (Post 1985307)

Hey nobody asked you anything. When I want to know what Iranian sausage tastes like I'll let you know.

Originally Posted by Logical (Post 3243766)

OK kiddies gather round for the lore of ChiefsPlanet is soon to abound.

Once upon a time in the mid 90s many, many of us like the Senator, Logical, Titus and even ole mean DEnise all posted together in an incarnation of the Star BB that was formatted much like todays Planet. We were a hardy group who harbored much anger and venom and we would fight the nights through. As time wore on our numbers grew and a bond did seemingly develop.

Then lo one night the evil witch Becky suddenly set to banning people for political speech in her forum. Many a poster thought it was at the bequest of the Evil DEnise but she doth deny it but defend Becky mightily did she. Soon the regulars were being banned right and left and lo came a savior nigh onto us with an initial parry to Russ (KCWolfman) and a few other. Lo the Planet was born and things were good and a mass exodus did ensue in 2000 August the year AD.

Now the story is told that the wicked DEnise claimed she would never post here, though I have never been able to document its truth, this is a widely held rumor of truth. For many months DEnise only made a token appearance and went back to the Star to lay claim to her now lonely throne, where only the n00Bs and trolls did now roam. All went well until behold technical problems with server volume did raise an ugly head.

Thence Pigskin Park/Pen was doth conceived and rivaled this board for usage and steam. Now the Star BB did shut itself down and an influx of poster at both the Planet and Park did begin and grow and grow did each board rise.

Now it is told that the Park had and Planet had many dual members but for its technical problems was the Planet Noted.

Meanwhile at the Park their arose a clamor by Gaz and DEnise of separation of political matter. As both were mods the owner did listen and split said board into two forums (sound familiar). Well lo and behold traffic in the sports forum began to dwindle while posting was soaring at the Pen we did quibble.

Well DEnise, and Jamie and Thomas and Logical too fought to the degree it killed the Pen too. Away, away, away went all back to the Planet with a better server to boot.

Together we did post in vastness and health while the BB did grow exponentially as well. Then one foggy fall day to what to our wonder cries did appear but that mean ole gal DEnise did appear. Came struggles and bitterness but a community was still built and it seemed nothing could ever be better than the Planet. Then came the evil, evil elections and what even the mean DEnise could not accomplish those elections did and the fabric of the Planet was ripped like a quilt.

A cry came anew from you will never guess who, sayeth Gaz we need to have a separate forum. Now much crying and screaming did ensue, we will ruin the Planet like was done to the Park.

Many votes were held and still no change when suddenly there came a poll with a story like thunder. Big Daddy switched sides and said yeah we need the separation and finally it happened the separation passeth.

Time wore on and survived we did, yet this was not enough to quiet the masses. Take that DC from sight they said and gone wad the DC link forthwith.

Now you have arrived at the time of today and we look forward each day to a new server. Because through it all we have endure the technical problems because in the end we have been a community and that has held us together.


I know this was not great literature but I have told this story so many times I had to do it different just to amuse myself.

Originally Posted by luv (Post 3254781)

Hey! I like scat!

Originally Posted by Molitoth (Post 6005231)

It would have to be something by Rainman or FAX.

Originally Posted by Rain Man (Post 4587662)

I've pondered posting this before, but this seems like a good place for it.

Rules for Selecting A Urinal

If there is...

1 urinal present - Use it

2 urinals present - Use either

3 urinals present - Always select Urinal 1 or Urinal 3 if you're the first person, as this gives the next visitor the option of keeping Urinal 2 between you. If you're the second person, obviously use either Urinal 1 or Urinal 3, whichever is unoccupied.

4 urinals present - Always select Urinal 1 or Urinal 4 if you're the first person, as this gives the second visitor the opportunity to keep two urinals between you. If you're the second person, you should select the farthest urinal, though it is not a major faux pas if you select a urinal that is two away.

5 urinals present - If you're the first person, #1 and #5 are strongly preferred, though in reality you can pick #3 without being completely uncouth. If you're the second person, you must ALWAYS select a urinal that is as far away as possible, e.g., if the first person is at #1, you should go to #5, or it is permissible to be an even number of urinals away, e.g., #3 if the first person is at #1. It is a major faux pas to be an odd number of urinals away, e.g. #4 when the first person is at #1, UNLESS the first person has mistakenly selected an even-numbered urinal, in which case you are required to select the farthest urinal from that person.

6 urinals present - This one gets complicated. The first person arriving should select #1 or #6, though it is not a faux pas to select #3 or #4. If you're the second person arriving, you must go to either urinal #1 or #6, whichever is farthest from the first person. Person #3 must then claim either #1 or #6 if either is unoccupied, OR go to #3 or #4, their choice.

7 urinals - Person #1 must always select an odd-numbered urinal, preferably #1 or #7, but #3 and #5 are permissible. Person #2 should select the farthest urinal from Person #1, regardless of Person #1's choice. Person #3 then has the more complicated task, with a choice matrix as follows:

If the others are both at even-numbered urinals, claim the final remaining even-numbered urinal.

If the others are both at odd-numbered urinals, claim another odd-numbered urinal, preferably #1 or #7 if either is unoccupied.

If the others are at an odd-numbered urinal and an even-numbered urinal, then Person #3 should claim any urinal that is at least five urinals distant from them, and if that is not possible, then any urinal that is at least three distant. If that is not possible, then it means that the first two people have gone with a 1/6 or a 2/7 combination, which represents a major indiscretion on someone's part, in which case Person #3 needs to minimize the damage by going with either #3 or #4 in the first case, or #4 or #5 in the second case, and finish as quickly as possible.

I hope this helps.

Originally Posted by Scorp (Post 6005106)

I don't know about post but this thread reigns king shit. You couldn't make this shit up if you tried. I laugh out loud at just about every post. Epic.

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=207737

Originally Posted by Fire Me Boy! (Post 2506023)

Hello Kotter... hello gobo...
Here I am at... camp No Homo.
Camp is very... excruciating.
And they say we'll hate the butt and stop complaining.

I went diving... with RedNFeisty.
She sure wanted... to do the nasty.
I said, "No thanks... rule book says 'no fookin'.
and Skippy says the hand is better lookin'."

ENDelt and Rausch... hate the booze now.
David. has no, peircings and how
Phobia misses pink... he wants a fling.
But the rules say he can't blow unlurking.

Take me home... oh Wolfman, frazod... take me home. I hate No Homo.
Don't leave me here in this hellish camp where... I can't... even get a rim...
Take me home, I promise I will not do him, or mess my pants with my love juice.
Oh please don't make me stay... I'll say I'm not gay.

Dearest Taco... darling keg in...
Where's my little... @sshole plug-in?
Took them from me... gave me Rain Man.
He won't even take "it" in the can.

Wait a minute... there's Psicosis.
Maybe he will, put on his dresses.
And Laz and Vlad, they'll do Iowanian...
While gochiefs sits at home and chokes the chicken.

Originally Posted by Direckshun (Post 6006927)

I've gotten some rep that could qualify as best posts ever.

This is one I got from Duck Dog earlier today (I'll let you deteremine if it was positive or negative rep):

You white liberals are the biggest problem facing our nation. Race trading, self-deprecating cowards.

Originally Posted by Bill Lundberg (Post 4576264)

We're dog sitting for my mother in law's Maltese. Auggie the Doggie is shown here violating my boxer, I haven't laughed so hard in a long time.

<object height="355" width="425">

<embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/PsfWGoWDrU0&rel=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" height="355" width="425"></object>

Originally Posted by Mr. Plow (Post 4592174)

So... I'm a girl.

I know I've posted lots of wacky shit here over the years. Sometimes out of boredom, sometimes because I'd really like to think I'm funny, and sometimes because I was just in the mood to do so. This isn't one of those wacky moments. This is me, taking a very small step towards doing something I've wanted to do and saying something I've wanted to say to someone, ANYONE, for the longest damn time.

Yep. I'm "coming out." I'm transgendered. "MtF," in popular parlance (figure it out). Gender dysphoric to the max! "Evil, demon-possessed, deluded homo." Whatever you want to call me. And no, not in the Eddie Izzard "executive transvestite" way. I mean the, "I've known and felt I was female, in some way, for as long as I can remember despite being born in a male body" way. The "lots of early suicides and lots of shattered lives due to not being accepted by friends and family" way. Now, why would a girl like me not want to shout about that from the mountaintops?

I have cringed every time I've been referred to as a "he," or a "him," or an "(insert masculine pronoun here)" over the entirety of my 19 years of "existence." Well, minus the first couple of years. I think it was an accomplishment to simply eat and crap my pants at that point (Does that look like I said I ate my pants when I was very young to you? It does to me.). Regardless, from my earliest memories, I can recall almost intuitively knowing, or somehow inferring from responses I got when engaging in "wrong" behavior, that I would be well-advised to drop it and act another way or face some sort of terrible consequences that I couldn't even imagine (and now, looking back, I don't know what punishment is worse than being locked inside a ****ing miserable, hollow shell of a life and sleepwalking through my days while fearing any social interaction and going into some hyper-alert state of panic during said interactions because I might do something to "give myself away," but the logic of a four year old carried over into real-life application for the following fifteen years isn't exactly amazing).

Funny thing is, I would always end up doing things to trip my plans up and make me ripe for identification. For instance, the 6th grade book fair. I was never well-liked by my classmates at the private school I had only just begun attending, and even though I'd been a good baseball player, my skills apparently didn't equate well to kickball. Every day, I thought I'd prove something to them. Every day, I sucked. I dunno, it was a weird time. Anyways, I had just enough change left over to buy a poster -- but not enough for a book -- at this book fair. I'm not sure what there was, but the only thing I could see myself spending my money on was a poster featuring a cute little polar bear cub. So I bought that one. What the hell compelled me to do this, when I knew full well I was already disliked and picked on? Like I said, I dunno. I made up some incredibly brilliant cover story about it being for my cousin, but it still didn't change the fact that I had to carry around that damn polar bear poster all day and be ridiculed by both boys and girls alike for it.

Okay, I'm rambling, and this is going nowhere. Long story short, I got another shot at another private school in the 10th grade. Quit by November, shortly before an awakening of sorts, due to mysterious reasons like, "it's too far from home" and the ever-incredible, "I just didn't like it." Why did I really quit? I was tormented every day, even though the people there were almost all pretty darn nice, even the ones I had gone to school with before (2nd-5th grades, my halcyon days if I ever had them) and hadn't been in the same circles with at the time. All around me were girls of all types, and I was completely out of place every single day. I didn't want to make out with them like my male classmates presumably did, I wanted to BE them. I wanted to be the somewhat geeky girl with the medium-length blonde hair and the thick glasses who loved Slipknot (okay, taste in music aside). I wanted to be the girl with braces and a very nice body and great, rusty blond-ish hair. I didn't want to be the girl with the pig-laugh as much as I wanted to be one of the aforementioned girls, but I'd have gladly accepted that, too.

For God's sake, how the hell could I have broken through that initial wall in the way of the seemingly unattainable goal of not being miserable? I mean, this is the first time I've ever even been able to TYPE it out, much less say it to someone, and I'm doing this in WordPad, and I'm not sure I'll even get up the nerve to C&P this over to the reply box. It is beyond ****ing torture to know who you are and are NOT and be told by society through years and years of conditioning that you MUST pretend to be the one you're not. It is immeasurably horrible to hide who you really are because you're scared you'll get into some sort of trouble or have things become even worse. But then, it's even worse to realize that YOU HAVE NOTHING EVEN WITH THE FACADE and still remain silent because you're so scared of what could happen to ruin an already ruined life.

I have finally decided to take that step because only now do I truly realize what I've lost and what I will continue to lose by lying to others. I've long since given up on lying to myself, but keeping secrets has never been my favorite thing, even if I'm prone to keep secrets in spite of myself; Come on, I kept the fact that my eyesight was terrible from my parents for six years. It's why I quit baseball in the first place (imagine almost hitting a home run but having it be snagged at the wall by an outfielder and being confused because you're trying to interpret signals from your coaches and teammates to tell you whether you need to round the bases or go back to the dugout). SIX YEARS. That's a pretty minor bit of information in the grand scheme of things, and here I am holding it in as if I were afraid of being labeled a freak like those poor transgendered people or som--oh, right. Damn. How the hell will I ever let that one out? :rolleyes:

Why all the boring backstory? Not sure. It isn't all that illuminating, in retrospect. I actually just chopped out a large chunk of it that did nothing but take up even more space. My hands are shaking, my spelling's shit, I've locked the cats out of this room which contains their food and litter box, and I know I've probably left lots of thoughts hanging despite the length... sorry for the generaly incoherency (hey, cool band name).

Okay, one very ironic aside before continuing. My bed sheets are pink. I originally acquired them on a temporary basis while washing my old light blue ones, but they're much more comfortable and, like I said, I love the irony and the in-joke aspect of the blue comforter on the outside and the pink sheets on the inside.

Anyways, I'm sure I'll regret posting this at some point in the very near future (like... hmm... now). But I've made up my mind after literally thrashing about my bed for long periods of time over the past twenty-four to thirty-six hours, yelling at my ceiling, at God or God know's what, or yelling at nothing in particular about "blue balloons" and "pink ballons" and why they make them and why I and so many others were put in the wrong ****ing pile, and HOW ****ING CRUEL CAN YOU BE TO KNOWINGLY DO THAT TO SOMEONE?! I had seriously reached a breaking point, and I wasn't sure if those idle thoughts of suicide would remain so idle anymore. So, I came to the conclusion that today is the big day, and hopefully not just on this forum or the internet in general.

Friday the 13th. As always, my timing is beyond impeccable. And even though Dave Chappelle just took a break from dealing with his own shit right now and called me from South Africa to remind me that you can sometimes keep it too real, I somehow thought the best way to jump into that vast ocean called "OMGWTFBBQ" was to post this somewhat anonymously (but with my intraweb cred at stake -- for a shut-in like me, that's big!) on a very lively SPORTS-driven message board with thousands of members.

I'm sure I'll be treated differently, and probably not in a good way, but oh well. If I never get a rep comment in which I'm referred to as "man" again, it'll be at least a little bit worth it. And I'm sure some people will feel free to tell me I'm evil or sick (and I am sick, in other ways that I suspect are caused by hiding my identity for my entire life -- wanna know why I'm so forgiving with Ricky Williams? Because I am absolutely positive that I've got Social Anxiety Disorder, which has a damn appropriate acronym, and I've been afraid to get it addressed because I was scared of this getting out along with it.) and going to hell or whatever, or if not tell me at least think it. That's fine. I may not ever be able to be a "regular" poster on what I've considered to be a great outlet again, and that's fine, too, even if it'll hurt a little and I'm sure I'll be upset when I feel rejected over this, even if only 1% were doing that and the other 99% said, "I don't profess to know what it's like or even to know much about it, but you go, girl." Yes, the last part was a joke. The "you go, girl," part anyways.

Like I said at the beginning of this novel-length... thing, I AM A GIRL. A nineteen year old girl with a very weird upbringing that she hated nearly every moment of and issues galore, to be sure, but yes, I am a girl. And being able to type that right now, after so long being unable to muster the strength, makes me feel like that misery was worth it.

So, there went nothing. My official entry in the "worst post ever" contest. I'm going to let the cats back in here so they can eat and and I'll go take a shower now. I'll check back in on the mayhem later.

Hoooooooly shit.